26 Dec 2015 (1 yr 6 days after The Day)

I have had some rough days this last week.  On Dec 22 2014 Jan died.  One year ago today I buried her.    To say my feelings have been tender is an understatement.  I recall having to do Christmas alone and figure out the presents.  I recall how I was just on autopilot.  This year - Christmas was good.  It was different but good.  I have learned that love heals.  I have been amazed at how my children work through both the pain and change in their lives.  Samantha has been a wonderful mother to my children.  I feel so blessed.  She has been a good wife to me.  There are differences between Jan and Samantha and I cannot compare them as they are different people but they both have one quality - they are genuine, honest, and loving.

So - to someone entering this journey of widow/widowerhood I say - don't give up.  Just press forward.  It is so tempting to just give-up and the feeling of isolation can be overbearing at times.  It can be difficult to be positive; however, being positive is what helps healing to occur.

I have pondered if I will write more or just leave it as is.  I think I will write from time to time.  I hope those that read these words can be filled with some hope should they be struggling in their own lives.  It started with a moment, then a minute, then 10 minutes, then 30 minutes, then an hour, then a day, then a week, then a month, then a year that I have worked through.  Every milestone has been a significant accomplishment for me personally.

I still miss Jan terribly.  I am still brought to tears when I think on the whole situation.  I know I still have healing to go through and I don't anticipate healing to be quick but I am trying to give myself space enough to heal.  The love my children have given me has been very helpful.  Even when I don't feel like I could accept a hug or kiss my kids have been there for me.  This pic was captured today.  I  feel lucky to be Claire's father.  I love this little girl.  She wants me to hug her the same way I would hug Jan.... with my arms encompassing her.

   

20 Dec 2015 (365 days after The Day)

So today is the anniversary of The Day.  It started with friends posting on Jan's wall on Facebook.  It is Jan's birthday as well as Claire's.  One year has been filled with so much pain... so much love and healing.  I have learned about myself.  I have learned about the compassion of others.  Complete strangers have been loving and kind to me and my family.  I have learned how many other people around us struggle with pain and it goes unnoticed.  So many attempt to bury their feelings to function.  I have learned about the healing power of tears.  I reflect upon Jan's life... the wonderful lessons I learned from her struggles.  I learned how to let go of pain.  I learned how to love like it is your last day here.  I learned not to take things for granted.  I learned to hug your kids and let them know you love them.  I learned that it is OK to cry.    Since Jan's death I played my saxophone 2 times.  The second time was yesterday.  It felt good.  I have learned how we grow through life experiences that we may not like.

A few of Jan's friends went to visit her at the cemetery today.  It was difficult not to be able to go there.  I still haven't gotten a head stone yet.  I miss Jan still today.  The pain isn't any less but the strength I have is more.  It is funny how that has proven true from the advice I got at the very beginning.

Today will be a celebration for both Jan and Claire.  It will be a positive day in the end.... built on tough memories but a positive day nonetheless.  I am thankful for Samantha and the love and support she has given me through all of this.  I really didn't realize how much I needed it until we were married. 

Overall - I am thankful and tired.  This life event has helped me to value my family.  I thought I did before.  I really did.  I suppose I just look at things differently now.  Love heals and family time is key.

19 Dec 2015 (364 days after The Day)

So today is the day before the anniversary of "The Day".  This last week has been somewhat of a get back in the swing of things week.  I believe this time has been tough for me, Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon.  Everyone has been a little emotionally charged.  I purchased a cake mix today for Claire's birthday.  I decided to get Jan's favorite... Yellow cake with chocolate frosting.... somewhat of a tribute to Jan.

It hasn't really hit me yet...

12 Dec 2015 (357 days after The Day)

This last week I found myself traveling.  I had to go from SLC to DFW to Houston and back.  It was a very strange feeling being back in Arlington.  I felt like I knew the area and was comfortable going wherever but I just didn't feel like it was home.  I suppose that is a blessing.  I stopped by my old home and found the Realtor has done a good job at getting it put back together and cleaned up.  I was impressed.  As I walked through my home I could close my eyes and hear my kids and see them in my mind's eye running around with all our stuff still there.  I could see Jan and for a moment it was like all of this chaos never happened.  Then - opening my eyes I found an empty home void of laughter and music.  Indeed there have been good memories there and I feel grateful that I am taking them with me.  I attempted to do things different while I was in town so I wouldn't be overwhelmed with sadness.  I stayed at a hotel that was new for me.  I ate at restaurants that were new to me.  Being back in my office though was tough.  I accomplished a lot but the memories are thick.

I drove my rental car to Houston for my management meetings there and by the time Wednesday ended I was ready to be back home.  I muscled through the rest of my trip.  I was able to visit both with my family and Jan's.  It was healing.

I also learned a lot about myself.  As I went through all of the past year's events I had to come to grips with some aspects of how I dealt with those emotional parts.  I really felt the spectrum from sadness to abandonment to anger to frustration to feeling numb to hope, happiness, laughter, and joy.  All of these changes in emotion were triggered by my reflecting on a certain aspect of how things transpired.  For example - when I came home from the hospital after Jan died - my kids were all sleeping in my bed.  I knew I was going to have to wake them.  I knew there lives would forever be changed.  As I looked on them I felt like I was abandoned... I felt like I had to somehow get strength to be a rock for my kids.  While I knew I needed to pull it together I was like sand.... just in a million pieces.  I made the decision to be as strong as I could.  As the saying goes... you "fake it till you make it"... in a way that is what happened.  I found that I was strong.  I found that while my world was crumbling around me I found that Matthew 24:35 helped me to know that God will be there forever.  That we are his children and that as such are eternal as well.  It may be a silly scripture to think of but for me it helped.  It was like God himself put his hand on my shoulder and said - "Rob - I'm here... everything will be ok".  That confidence I took to let me move forward day after day.  I had to make decisions to not be angry.  I had to process that part that was so angry.  I decided to let go of that anger.  When I was in Houston I had to get clear on my decision to let go of that anger.  I found myself reprocessing what I vowed to be done with.  It was painful but good.  I suppose as an alcoholic despises alcohol so I dealt with anger.  Anger I found could fuel your energy... it can give you added strength but poison you along the way.  Anger can be contagious too.  I didn't want to spread this poison... I decided to let go of the anger.  It was tough to relive the justification in my mind for being angry... to relive and hold that pain.  In the end I decided again to let go of it and that clarity helped me to release a burden I was carrying.

On Saturday I traveled back to SLC and got the second half of our stuff from Mayflower/United.  Finally.  Afterwards we piled into the van and went and picked out a tree.  A real Christmas tree.  I have never had a real tree in my home before so this is a new tradition.  At the end of the day I crashed feeling exhausted from the day and week's events.  I am glad to be home.      
 

5 Dec 2015 (350 days after The Day)

So - I have taken to writing in this weekly or as needed it seems.  I have had a week filled with meetings.  I am so very frustrated with Mayflower/United that I am really beyond words.  All of my stuff was loaded.  It was underestimated on weight by 4K lbs.  This meant a driver would take a loss at delivering it if he took the load and that has resulted in our load being split.  We received part of our goods and were told the other part would be arriving shortly.  Because they delivered a portion the company feels they are no longer bound to any penalty clause on late deliveries.  I have had to haggle with them and it is just overwhelming.  Moving 1200 miles is just tough.

Claire has been adjusting to the new surroundings and family fine.  She tolerates everyone but still just wants me to hold her.  It is sweet but I really do want her to be ok with Samantha.  Don't get me wrong - she has opened up to her and is completely content in her arms.  If I walk into the room - Claire just wants me.

We went to the  "festival of trees" today and I had a real wake-up call to the cost of a family outing.  Tickets for 6 adults and 2 children, cash for activities for the kids, a few sweet treats for everyone, and putting a burger in everyone's stomach was a couple of hundred dollars.  It was a good outing though.  Good memories.

Samantha and I went on a date night and caught a movie that started at 9:30 pm.  "The Intern".  It was ok.  It was good to get out of the house.  Over the last few days I have dealt with waves of grief over Jan and have shared this with Samantha.  The movie brought more out as well.  It seems to be at the end of the day when it is quiet and dark... I lay in bed and my mind goes to all that has occurred over the last few days.  Our home in Arlington is officially on the market.  I spent about 2500 in getting it cleaned and prepped for sale.  Because I am still making the adjustment to living here in UT I still feel like my home in Arlington is ... well... home.  It was Jan's home.  Selling the house has made me feel sad.  Being up here in UT has been very healing.  I am able to work and be productive; however, when I lay in bed in the quiet of the night thinking of all that has transpired - I begin to feel the pain of Jan's departure.  All the questions come again - Why did she have to die?  Why was it so abrupt and left to me and the kids like an unfinished chapter?  Why am I left to figure it all out?  I have feelings of anger at her departure.  I also feel empowered because of her departure to figure things out.  She is not here.  I must figure it out.  My decision to remarry was one of the best decisions I have made.  Love heals.  Samantha has been so patient with me and my kids and I feel honored to be a father-figure to her kids.  I feel like she was sent from heaven in many ways.  Our marriage is young and yet because we were both married and lost our spouses before we bring a lot of insight and understanding to the table.  We jumped into being mom and dad and I suppose the movie we watched reminded me of two major things - 1.) we need to make time for ourselves and our marriage.  2.)  Jan and I failed to do this well.  It is one part of our marriage I wish I did better.

After another wave of grief I retired for the night desiring to be the best husband and father I can be.  Indeed - life gives you lots of good wisdom.  I was talking with my boss at work.  He was meeting with his boss and he asked if there was anything learned that should be passed up the chain.... I reflected that over the past year I have learned one thing - Wisdom is not pain free.  So - as my tears soak my pillow I reflect on my life - It has been filled with joy, pain, love, trials, heartache and adventures and I am only 38.  I am thankful and grateful for all I have lived to experience.  I am thankful for Samantha and the love we have for each other. 

28 Nov 2015 (343 days after The Day)

Today was another relaxing day except for the fact that I was sick.  We looked at some neighborhoods where homes were for sale and then the kids all went with Samantha's mom to see a movie.  They all enjoyed that.  My kids all have come to me at different times sad about Jan.  The changes are big.  The changes are real.  They are all dealing with things in their own way.  On a fun side they all went sledding in the backyard today.  That was a fun experience for them all.  They all were smiling and having a blast.  Claire cheered them on from the window inside.  We all were laughing both inside and out.  Today was a pizza day for dinner.  I had chicken noodle soup.  I just don't feel well.

Oh... and another note - Samantha is an amazing cook.  Seriously.  Like she cooks stuff you would eat in a restaurant.  I feel very blessed.  She is not only a good cook but an amazing mom.  There is nothing she cannot do it seems.  I'm sure Jan is smiling at how good of a mom she is to the kids.  Like I said - I feel very blessed.

27 Nov 2015 (342 days after The Day)

The day after Thanksgiving - My illness is getting worse I think.  I just feel sick to my stomach and have a fever.  I am ready to be back to myself.  I just feel like sleeping.  Samantha's father picked up the kids and took them sight seeing and then to lunch.  It was a nice break for them and us.  My kids are missing Jan.  It is true.  A new home... new town... new friends... Getting acclimated is going to take a moment but we are making progress.

26 Nov 2015 (341 days after The Day)

Thanksgiving Day.  It is the first Thanksgiving without Jan and in a weird way I feel like she is still around.  I made pancakes for the kids and afterwards Samantha was busy cooking.  We went to her sister's home that afternoon and had a good time meeting the family.  Good food and activities.  We all played the pie in the face game.  It was seriously funny.  Everyone had a good time. 

25 Nov 2015 (340 days after The Day)

The day before Thanksgiving.  You could say this was a slow day at work.  That was a blessing because it enabled me to catch up on things.  Because our things will be delivered so late I am without a shirt, tie, and shoes for church.  Samantha took me to some stores shopping as we both tried to avoid the black Friday crowds.  After a few stops I emerged with what I needed. 

I've been battling a cold since I got here and that doesn't help me get acclimated.  It is supposed to snow later in the week.  The kids are excited.  We have a busy day tomorrow and a welcomed break from work.

24 Nov 2015 (339 days after The Day)

The days at work seem to fly by as I find myself in one meeting after another.  After a day filled with meetings I had another meeting with a Montessori school local to the town which I now live.  It is different.  I suppose I am trying to find what Jan had in our home and I don't think I will.  I will find parts of what we had but not everything.  I will need to learn to let go.  The last Montessori school Ammon was in was a school that Jan and I both investigated when she focused on healing and turned schooling over to someone else.  It was easy to have Ammon go there because in a way I felt Jan approved.  Now - I am blending my children with my spouses children and striving to align our beliefs on education.  It is a different approach and one that I believe we are both striving to support each other on.  It is difficult.

23 Nov 2015 (338 days after The Day)

Well - today was the first day back to work.  Telecommuting.  That was a weird concept but I was amazed at all I was able to get done.  I think that was because it was just uninterrupted time and my plate was overflowing with tasks.  Dinner was great.  We need a bigger table to fit all 9 of us.  Samantha really does have to cook for an army.  It is good being in a family again.  We are all trying to figure things out but the spirit in the home is positive.  Very positive.

22 Nov 2015 (337 days after The Day)

After a hearty breakfast we hit the road again.  A short day today - only four hours.  The scenery was beautiful.  Snow on the ground in the shaded parts and snow on the mountain tops.  We arrived exhausted.  Our minivan I think was relieved that the trip was over.  Our kids greeted us at the door and helped us get unloaded.  The dry ice kept the milk frozen the entire way.  That was the best $27 I have ever spent.  With a need to go to the store looming Samantha put together a lunch for all 9 of us.  It was the best home-cooked meal.  Perhaps because it was the first.  We ate dinner at Samantha's parents home and later retired to bed - exhausted.

21 Nov 2015 (336 days after The Day)

Another day on the road.  We made it through New Mexico and up through Colorado.  We landed in Moab, UT and ate dinner.  We stayed at a hotel and were packed.  One king bed.  One sleeper sofa.  One roll away bed.  One crib.  Claire had trouble getting to sleep... but she finally did.  All the kids travel so well.  It is such a blessing.

20 Nov 2015 (335 days after The Day)

We stayed the night in a hotel in Mansfield.  We left that morning and went by Jan's grave.  I know I am leaving Jan's body but I really feel like she is traveling with us.  A silent companion of sorts.  We stopped by Kroger to get some dry ice and was told they were out.  We stopped back by the house for the last time and packed an entire cooler of donated breast milk from the freezer.  We located a dealer of dry ice and drove out of our neighborhood for the last time.  We ended up having to purchase another cooler and splitting the dry ice amongst the two coolers.  We finally got on the road.  About 4 hours into the trip Mayflower called to say our shipment would be delayed until probably December.  It was frustrating news but really nothing I can do about it at the moment so we traveled on.  We hit Amarillo by dinner time and ate at "The Big Texan" which is famous for their challenge to eat a 5lb steak and all the side dishes within 1 hour.  There was evidence of failed attempts in the parking lot.  I kinda thought someone would be on vomit patrol in the parking lot.  Not something you really want to see when you go out to eat.  It was different from what I recall but a memory builder nonetheless.  We decided to drive on... and landed in Santa Rosa NM.  What a day.

19 Nov 2015 (334 days after The Day)

The movers arrived around 8:30.  After a tour of what went the blizzard of movement began.  I had phone conferences intermixing the coordination of the move.  I found boxes going out of the house without stickers... I got all the chaos in somewhat of an order and found myself looking at my home with less and less.  What started as a home was ending as just a house.  I was worried that leaving the house would be like leaving Jan.  In a way it was but really when the house was empty and the movers left... the house was just a house.  That was comforting.

18 Nov 2015 (333 days after The Day)

Wednesday - the day before the move.  Frantic is the word of the day.  We flew through getting everything we could think of boxed and labeled.  What a chore.  It is amazing how much stuff we have.  I took loads and loads to donate to the needy.  I believe we gave away at least 1/3 of all of our possessions.  I am not exaggerating.  I retired to sleep not wanting to sleep knowing there was a bit more to do.  Samantha's sister came and helped as well which was so very helpful.  Everyone knows the day is approaching.  It will be sad to see my mom leave.  I am so thankful for all of her help and love.

17 Nov 2015 (332 days after The Day)

We are almost packed.  Almost.  I spent the day getting things on order with my staff and packing my office.  There is a lot to do.  I am challenged to determine what needs to be done in person and what doesn't.  I took my staff to lunch today.  It was good to spend time together.  We went to the last day of group counseling and Samantha went with us.  It was really good to go.  There were a lot of people I didn't really know so I was a little disappointed that I said goodbye to a bunch of people I didn't really know.

I nearly finished packing the garage today.  That was a huge accomplishment.  I have a big day ahead tomorrow as it represents the last day available to do what needs to be done.  I still want to mow the lawn for the last time.  I know that is weird but for me it is healing.

I look back on my life with Jan and just wonder about the whole thing.  I was married 15 years but it seems like a dream.  It really does. 

16 Nov 2015 (331 days after The Day)

My activities seem to flow as slow as molasses.  I will officially relocate about 1200 miles north and am working like a mad man to get things in order at work.  My home is almost packed.  I have to spend some time today in the garage to get things completely packed.  I find I am just exhausted.  I talked with Samantha today about feeling like I was forgetting Jan.  I spent 15 years working to be the best husband I could be.  I want to improve as a person.  That is just who I am.  So I spend 15 years focusing on areas I know were weak when I was with Jan.  Now that I am with Samantha I feel like I am starting over working on completely different areas.  In a way I feel a little tired.  I think we all feel like we know the future to some extent.  We will do our normal routine and another day will pass.  My life was turned upside down in one day and a year ago I wouldn't have dreamed that I would be where I am today.

I found a dream list that Jan wrote.  One of the top entries was live where there were mountains.  I think it is ironic that I had no desire to leave Texas and yet I am going where there are mountains and she is staying here.  I know she is with me in spirit and that is comforting.

My girls have to finish their room today.  They have put it off for some time.  I worry that the truck will arrive and their room will still not be packed.  There are just so many moving pieces.  So very many.

I retired to bed exhausted.  The girls will work on their room tomorrow and I will work on the garage tomorrow.  Another day has come to an end.

15 Nov 2015 (330 days after The Day)

Sunday came with my body realizing I am no longer 18.  I ached in places I forgot existed.  I limped to the kitchen and made myself breakfast and got the kids going for the day.  We got dressed and went to church for the last time.  Ammon has been sick so he stayed home with Grandma and Claire.  It was good.  I was asked to share my thoughts while I was there to the congregation and it was difficult to do that.  As I sat in the pew with Samantha I realized how blessed I have been.  I really have been and I am grateful for it.

The Realtor came in the evening for us to sign paperwork on the house.  During that time there was small-talk about Claire and how she got her name.  I related the background on the clarity that Jan received and also shared about the song Debussy wrote - Clair De Lune.  Most have heard of it but don't know the name.  I played a portion for the Realtor and just wept.  It is hard not to.

https://youtu.be/CvFH_6DNRCY

By the time night came the trash pile was reduced to very little.  It was good to see it go.  Tomorrow brings another day of packing.

14 Nov 2015 (329 days after The Day)

Saturday - the busiest day yet for me.  I woke early and got the area around the piano cleared out.    I took pictures and recorded as best I could of the piano and the current scratches.  The piano movers arrived, took inventory of the piano, recorded scratches and marks, and began wrapping the piano.  By the time the piano was out of the house I was left with a feeling of emptiness.  The piano really is for me an important part of the home.

Jake arrived early and started helping me with the garage.  We began to empty out the garage and made piles.  Trash and donate.  Jake was able to take a large amount of Christmas decorations which was a huge blessing for me.  We don't need double the decorations so I kept the important ones and sent the rest with Jake.  I spent the entire day in the garage.  Jake left a few hours in and by the time nighttime came my garage was looking better.  I was able to get things in order but tired is an understatement.  I really feel I am starting over with my own stuff.  I gave Jake my tool chest.  It was my first.  It worked but had trouble handling the weight of all my tools and would work better in an environment where the tools were not so heavy.  I was happy to see him take it.

I loaded up the van with the donate pile and arrived at Goodwill to find out they were closed.  I returned home, ate some dinner, and waited for Jake to arrive to pick up his pile of stuff.  When he arrived we got everything packed up and loaded.

I retired exhausted.  The pile of trash slowly disappeared as people drove by and took what they wanted.

13 Nov 2015 (328 days after The Day)

So Friday was a crazy day.  I spent a large chunk of the day getting things ready at work for my move.  At home I prepared for Saturday.  We have a lot planned for Saturday so we spent a lot of time in the home getting the piano room prepped.  I worry about seeing the piano move tomorrow. 

12 Nov 2015 (327 days after The Day)

Tom's daughter, Heather came up with her husband and kids.  They ended up taking all of our homeschooling curriculum.  I personally could not pack it.  Samantha did.  It was extremely difficult for me to see it all go into boxes.  Heather took it all.  I am so thankful that she did.  It sounds weird but keeping stuff like that in the family or seeing it go to people who you know will use it makes the whole process easier.  We loaded them up with gobs of stuff and now the house really really looks empty.  No TV... limited seating...

Claire just smiled and cuddled with me today.  I needed that. 

11 Nov 2015 (326 days after The Day)

The week is flying by.  Samantha's sister is coming to help us pack.  That is such a relief.  I had meetings that were solid from 8-5 and not a single break.  Having that assistance has been huge.  The house is slowly being put in boxes and I won't lie... it is difficult.  My mind has been fixed on moving and work... When I walk in the door in the evenings more of our belongings are in a box... it is weird in a way.

10 Nov 2015 (325 days after The Day)

My day started at 5:00 when my alarm went off.  I checked my email as usual and found that we had an application outage at work.  It affected our overseas locations.  After some discussion I found that the services were restored but there was a communication gap in the procedure.  I marked this as a to-do on my agenda and the day began.  I had meeting after meeting that consumed 100% of the day.  There was very little room for breathing and was a mixture of both work meetings and meetings with movers.  I received quotes from all three movers by the end of the day.  Their prices were relatively similar but their weight estimates varied by as much as 3K pounds.  I don't know if that is normal but it seemed a bit odd for me.  As the evening moved on we packed the kitchen and grandma's room where we have our books.  I found a lot of Jan's journals.  I was so happy to find them and a little sad reading some passages where you could see the challenges she dealt with as her memories returned of such horrific events in her childhood.  I just wish I could give her a hug and let her know I love her.  It is a silly thing I suppose.  I mean, she is in a place now that is filled with love. 

Our home is filled with stuff that is going to other people's homes... it will feel much better I think once we get this stuff out of our home.  The move date is fast approaching and everything still feels like a dream.

09 Nov 2015 (324 days after The Day)

Monday has come.  A blizzard of a day working and then coming home and packing.  We met with a moving company.  Not having a clue what the cost would be I was preparing for the worst.  At the end of the meeting he said thank you and that he would send us a quote.  I was left wondering what the cost would be.  We were a bit discouraged but sat down for dinner.  About 10 min into dinner the doorbell rang and our Realtor came over.  We discussed the house and what it would take to sell... what improvements would need to be made and the schedule.  Jan's name is still on the house so having to get a death certificate and deal with that brought memories up for me.  It was difficult.  After discussing everything she left with a game-plan and that was one major item checked off my list.  After packing some more I retired to bed exhausted.

08 Nov 2015 (323 days after The Day)

So today started out with a bit of humor.  We went to church only to realize that we were early.  Two hours early.  There was a special conference so we packed up the family and went back home.  We returned later to the service and it was completely packed.  It was good to go.  There is something about being in the right place at the right time and feeling the spirit.  So - that was a plus for the day.

We came home and focused on more packing and purging.  We went through the kitchen.. well... at least we started going through the kitchen.  As we went through our stuff every item seemed to have a memory attached to it - from the wooden spoon that was burnt... to a pampered chef chopping device.  All items that I held brought back memories of using that item.  Like I said in the previous post - it is good to go through it all and purge.

By the time evening came around I felt completely drained.  It was an odd feeling.  But... drained was how I felt.  I slept a bit on the couch while everyone watched Studio C.  Claire was determined to play with me while I was on the couch.  She is so cute.  She walks around the furniture as she hold on and you can see her eyes get inspired when she looks at something with interest.  It is so cute.  I love that little girl.

07 Nov 2015 (322 days after The Day)

Today I started the hard part - packing and purging the big items.  It started in the back yard.  I disassembled the trampoline.  Some friends of ours picked it up but the process of taking it down reminded me of the time I put it together.  Lots of memories and I suppose that will be the story of moving.  Lots of memories and deciding what is worth packing up ... and what is not.

I have come to understand that purging is almost as nice as repenting.  Getting rid of stuff that you have held onto for so long has a bit of freedom with it.  No longer do I feel bogged down with items that have value... just not for me.  I felt like a steward of a warehouse of stuff that I would not use.  I am glad we are able to purge and be free of the stuff that was accumulated over the years.

06 Nov 2015 (321 days after The Day)

Friday has come.  It is amazing how quickly time flies.  I had my "last" physical therapy visit today.  For those that have had this before it is somewhat standard.  The same activities every time make for a somewhat automated time.  As I went from activity to activity I realized that over the past few months my body had really healed or perhaps repaired itself enough to heal.  I found myself feeling better about my ability to walk and get around.  My knee is still torn up but my muscles are much better at supporting my injury.  I left physical therapy feeling absolutely exhausted.  I strive to push myself beyond my comfort zone.  I do this at work and at all things I am engaged in... at least - I try to. 

As I went through the day I felt like I was checking things off my list.  That is very comforting.  I look on my daily things I do with PT or with work and realize that this very same pattern I have used when healing my grief.  One small step at a time.  Some have questioned why I have decided to remarry at the time that I did.  My answer is simple.  I am unwilling to live in grief.  Love heals.  The grieving process seems to go on and on at times.  Sometimes it is silent... and at other times it seems to scream at you from all directions.  As I go through my home and pack, for example, it screams... from one item to another.  It is just draining.

05 Nov 2015 (320 days after The Day)

On my way out the door I realized my tire on my van was flat.  I borrowed my neighbor's air compressor and inflated my tire... took it to the tire shop and got two new tires.  That was just another thing on my list that seemed to linger because the tread was low.  So in a way it was an issue I didn't feel like I had time to deal with and it was good to get it off my plate.  So at work I have been neck-deep into some work for a few weeks now.  I was able to finally get some off my desk and wow what a relief it was to do so.  I rushed home for a game that Madilyn had and she played her heart out.  They won 1:0.  By the time we got back it was time for everyone to do their nighttime chores and much of interacting with the kids was done.  Claire was already in bed.  Samantha and I have plans to hang out this weekend as we continue to pack and get things in order.  It is such an ordeal to plan combining households for 9 people.  It keeps me busy though so I am grateful for that.

04 Nov 2015 (319 days after The Day)

Both Samantha and I have been married before.  Both of us have kids and have done the normal family routine.  Both of us have confidence in this role and time in our lives.  I dated Jan for about 5 years before we married.  We were married for 15.  During that time she and I grew to really understand each other.  When Samantha and I met and dated it was very short; however, we both felt good about everything.  So we made the decision and moved forward.  Both of us had confidence in the future.  What we are still working out is the quirks between us.  It is a funny adjustment to feel completely confident in your abilities as a parent but all of a sudden questioning your abilities as a spouse.  Don't get me wrong - there is no worry about if I made the right decision - it is about how Samantha and I react to various scenarios.  It is entertaining.  I don't know another word to use.  Both of us are confident parents yet we are working to ensure our relationship is solid as well.  We are both concerned that our communications through our actions may be misinterpreted and we are both taking additional action to ensure what we did reflects what we mean.  So - juggling that with normal parenting has been interesting.    So - something for the memory banks.

I have decided to write in this blog daily for a year.  This is just my decision at this point - it may change in the future.  My hope is that this silly thing can be of some benefit to someone who has lost a spouse.  I feel I have captured a lot of my feelings here.  The loss of your spouse is really like being cut in half and then asked to go about your day like nothing happened.  It is an odd feeling both as a spouse and as a parent who needs to be there for your kids.  I still have tough days.  My love for Jan has not diminished and yet I have remarried.  It is a very odd feeling to love two women.  Anyway - there you have it... another day.  

03 Nov 2015 (318 days after The Day)

This morning I overslept again but promised Emma I would take her to see Jan in the morning.  As we were there memories came back of burying Jan.  I told Emma where I was to be buried and then said "This isn't too bad..." to which I said - when I am dead and gone you can say this is what I said about this place.  We laughed a bit.  It is a quiet cemetery but come Saturday night it is next to a race track... I didn't know this at the time I got the plot but I consider it a free gift with purchase... Jan probably doesn't.  HA! 


We went to group therapy in the evening.  It is so good to get around others who have experienced loss.  We talked about preparing for the holidays and what that means for everyone.  It was really good to get everyone's perspective.  For me this move will be both good and bad.  It will be good to have a change to what we knew since I personally am not as festive as Jan was with the holidays.  I generally don't decorate much but we have 1/4 of our garage that seems to be something related to Christmas, Easter, or some other holiday.  It will be very tough to leave my home.  My home is really Jan's home.  She picked it out.  It will forever be hers in my mind.  That will be a tough thing to process.  Overall the group therapy went well for everyone.

I promised Emma that I would help her get some supplies tomorrow morning for her school.  So - tomorrow we will swing by Lowes or Home Depot and get some materials for physics experiments.  Since Samantha and I are still in separate homes in a way I still feel like a single dad.  I take comfort that I am able to get things done and am so very thankful for my mom who selflessly sacrifices to help me with Claire, the kids, and the house.  She really is sent from God.  When Samantha and I combine our families under one roof it will be very much like the Brady Bunch.  Fun times for sure.

We got our wedding pictures in... here we are... all 9 of us.

02 Nov 2015 (317 days after The Day)

Monday has come as a complete unbelief that it is now November.  Emma and I overslept and I missed taking her to seminary.  I met with my Dr. today and he said that he confirmed that I had some kind of bacterial poisoning like salmonella, e coli, or some other kind.  It is comforting to know that is all it was and holy cow do I have a new appreciation for anyone who says they dealt with this.

My cold is kicking my tail.  I got home, helped my mom with dinner, and then we watched the Disney Pixar movie "The Incredibles" (or the beginning).  We then retired for the evening.  I had difficulty sleeping because of my inability to breathe.... thus the start of another day.  

01 Nov 2015 (316 days after The Day)

I awoke tired and feeling like I was having hot flashes.  I decided to take a shower to help me get going and by the time breakfast hit I realized I wasn't going anywhere.  I crawled back into bed and slept the day away.  I am ready to be well so I can get some stuff done.  What a mess.  I cannot believe it is already November.

31 Oct 2015 (315 days after The Day)

Halloween has come.  I feel drained of energy.  I slept.  I tried to save up enough energy to make it  trick or treating in the evening.  Emma and Madilyn had activities they attended during the day and I slept.  My sickness has gotten worse but I want to be there for my kids.  By the time evening came around I was able to take Emma and Ammon around the block while Madilyn, Claire, and Grandma stayed at home to answer the door.  Someone dressed up as the Leatherface from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and brought a real chainsaw.  He was revving it up and holding this chainsaw above his head as he walked down the sidewalk.  He was scaring the crap out of the young children.  About 10 parents gathered around this fool and told him to knock it off.  The kids that arrived at my home were crying.  It was horrible.  I informed my mom and Madilyn of what was going on and then went trick or treating keeping Leatherface in my view.  Some neighbor thought it would be funny to take some candy from Ammon's bag.  Ammon reached in and got a piece and handed it to her.  She said she was just joking.  Ammon said "I want you to have it.  Everyone deserves to have a happy Halloween".  This lady's heart melted and she just hugged Ammon.  I swear.. I can't make this stuff up.  I arrived back at my home after making a couple of blocks and took Madilyn.  She was terrified of this chainsaw guy that we couldn't see.  He made another appearance about a block away and I kept my eye on him.  By the time the trick or treating was done I was spent.  Daylight savings hit tonight... We gain an hour.  I need it.  I need to sleep. 

30 Oct 2015 (314 days after The Day)

Friday - A day to end the week.  The cold I have been battling seems to come and go.  At times I have strength and at other times I don't.  At work it was good.  I accomplished much.  I looked into the future of different technologies and how we can embrace them to meet future demand.  These are days I enjoy. 

I came home weary and tired.  I piled up the kids and went to a church sponsored "Trunk or Treat" activity.  Ammon was supposed to be a bat but his costume was not coming together so he looked more like a crow.  His wings were really cool... but fragile.  They broke (again) on the way there and I had to go back inside to glue them back together.  The rain brought the activity inside and amidst 200-300 people I found myself talking with a few that I knew.  At times I find myself turning into a "me monster"... the one thing I despise... I have good stories to add when in a group setting but it seems those stories get vocalized with a me me me theme.  I realized this and just stopped talking.  Bryan Regan has a good skit on this in his show "I walked on the moon".  After the activity we piled back into the van and drove home.  By the time everyone was showered and in bed I was completely drained.

One thing has come out from all the to-do list that is going on.  I miss my kids.  I seem so preoccupied with the thick of thin things that I lose sight of what is really important.  I suppose that is one of the great lessons of life.  Learn to put first things first.   

29 Oct 2015 (313 days after The Day)

Thursday - trash day.  So - since I am moving I am going through the garage and gathering all things that I have neglected to remove.  It is a slow process.  If I see something that has value (perhaps not for me) I hang onto it regardless if there is a use.  I have been working to clean up, throw out, and donate all that needs to be done.  We filled an 18 wheeler when we moved here.  I would like to reduce that by half at least.  What a chore.

Claire just wanted me to hold her tonight.  She just snuggled close, drank half a bottle, and was completely content to sleep away in my arms.  I recall how every child has done this and eventually gets too big to hold.  I admit that these are the best and worst memories.  I smile when Claire smiles at me.  I think it has been such a blessing that she is so joyful and happy.  In my darkest of moments when I just wanted to crawl into a hole Claire would reach for me and smile.  Love is an amazing healing thing.  I would cling to Claire and she to me.  We would just hold each other and heal. 

I am grateful for the loving care Samantha has shown as we have blended our families.  She is a wonderful mom.  I am thankful we have each other.  It is strange that if it were not for Jan's death I wouldn't have met Samantha yet what a blessing the Good Lord has poured out on both of our families who have seen such tragedy.  In a way I feel I have known Samantha all my life.  Love really does heal all wounds. 

28 Oct 2015 (312 days after The Day)

I found myself doing the daily routine.  The mundane day-to-day activities have the days blurred.  I am like a stereotypical IT guy and have a ton of flash drives.  I'm trying to clean things up and was going through them.  I found a very sweet video that is one of the sweetest moments we captured.  This was before hi resolution video recording but it is sweet nonetheless.  Ammon was about 2 and had sweet jabberings.  Jan was asking him and all the kids questions.  Their responses were so sweet.  Sometimes I look back on my life with Jan and wonder if it was a dream.    

I took the the girls to Party City to look for costumes.  Is it just me or do the costumes these days look like they are designed for a stripper?  I mean - holy cow!  The choices are extremely limited so we did the best we could.  I can't believe I spent a gob of $$ on a single night event.  Oh well... My kids will enjoy their time. 

I am looking forward to getting Samantha's and my family under one roof.  This presents challenges for sure but it will be good to eventually be done.

27 Oct 2015 (311 days after The Day)

So I am sick.  How wonderful.  I barricaded myself in my office today and just worked.  I was able to get caught up on a lot of items that sat while I was in the hospital.  I came home and crashed.  I was completely exhausted and just felt like I was without any ability to function.  I spoke with Emma for a while and then just felt myself drifting away.  I needed to sleep.  I did.  What a day.  On a good note - Claire is making a positive turn getting over her cold.  Yay!  There is hope for me.

26 Oct 2015 (310 days after The Day)

Today Claire did something.  Samantha held her in a standing position and then let go.  She stayed that way for about 15 seconds.  She got excited and started to try to jump and well... fell over. 

She is growing fast.  I'm glad Samantha is here to be apart of Claire's life when all these 1st's are happening.  They have bonded too... which is great.  Samantha can put Claire down for a nap and Claire will go to sleep.  If I try to put her down she just starts crying.  Samantha has the magic touch!

25 Oct 2015 (309 days after The Day)

I got up early and made waffles today.  That seems to be a tradition for us on Sundays.  We went to church today too.  It was a special session where an area authority came in and spoke to the congregation.  My kids did all they could to sit there.  Once it was over we came home and ate lunch my mom had made.  Samantha and I spent another day working in my room.  Today was more difficult.  I came across a letter Jan wrote to Emma and Madilyn back in 2010.  It was the ONLY one so far that I have found.  It was sweet and filled with good motherly advice.  I need to write these too... I need to write notes to outlive my life.  Needless to say I was beyond touched.  We finished the closet, night stands, bathroom, and my room.  We have a small bathroom closet to pack that is connected to the master bath and then my room is completely done. 

On Saturday Samantha took the kids to get pumpkins.  We have never carved them before but she came back with pumpkins galore.  Sunday evening after dinner and cleaning was done we spent time carving pumpkins.  It was fun.  A real fun family moment for everyone. 

Claire is becoming more animated when making noise.  She is just a cute little girl. 

Seems like time is flying by.  I am so thankful for Samantha for becoming part of this family.

24 Oct 2015 (308 days after The Day)

Well - Saturday was action packed.  I took Ammon to his Tae Kwon Do but also it started to rain a lot.  It rained a ton on Friday and Ammon came into bed with us but still... rain rain rain.  Samantha and I focused on the closet.  She had already moved since her husband passed and gone through a purge session... I had not.  Going through everything was difficult but it felt good to get everything in order.  We packed gobs of stuff.  We ended the night watching Back to the Future (the first one) or at least part of it.  We retired for the day exhausted.

23 Oct 2015 (307 days after The Day)

Well - today is Friday.  Another day that flew by getting caught up.  Most people I needed to meet with were out of the office so this next week will be busy for sure.

Tonight was a lazy day.  We watched a movie together and just enjoyed each others company.  Tomorrow Samantha and I start to purge and clean out my master bedroom closet.  I am looking forward to this and also dreading it.  Lots of memories.

22 Oct 2015 (306 days after The Day)

Today was my first day back at work.  I was fortunate to have a day-long meeting but I was also exhausted.  Around 4:00 I was spent.  Madilyn had a game at 6 and we got there in time to find out it was cancelled because of the rain.  We came back, ate dinner, and just spent time as a family.  Samantha helped me start going through some of the piles in my room.  It was good to start that process and I am grateful for her patience. 

In an odd way it feels just like it did when Jan was here.  I have a help-mate to help me through all of life's challenges or rather - just knowing you are not alone helps a ton.  I never realized how much I missed that. 

The thunder and storm had Ammon sleeping with us.  Well - when I awoke I found Ammon sleeping sideways and Samantha was sleeping on the couch.  I forgot that he turns as he sleeps.  It has been a while I guess.

21 Oct 2015 (305 days after The Day)

We packed up our stuff took out the trash and started driving North by 9:30 am.  We met some of Samantha's friends in Austin for lunch and made it back home by 6:30 pm.  It was really good to see everyone again.  The blizzard of the day-to-day starts tomorrow, but the first night to sleep in my own bed.  It is funny how much comfort that brings. 

20 Oct 2015 (304 days after The Day)

On Tuesday the wind had stopped blowing crazy hard... we decided to go walk in the water some.  The water was cold.  70's.  POC has shallow water by the shore so you can walk for a great distance and the water will begin to go over your knees.  We picked up some sea shells and before too long we lost our footing and both were soaked.  It was fun just to sit there and talk.  Another lazy day but so very nice.  We came home fired up the BBQ grill.  Shrimp, fish, and steak.  Yeah... that is not a normal meal but mmmm it was good.  Samantha is a good cook too.  I baked some cookies and it rounded off the day. 

19 Oct 2015 (303 days after The Day)

On Monday I awoke feeling significantly better.  My sister stocked the fridge as a wedding gift and we enjoyed another lazy day.  Since I was eating meat like a bear I had much more energy.  Samantha and I just watched some movies and talked.  Really.... it was a low-key day.  We drove to a neighboring town for lunch which was really good and picked up some supplies for dinner.  

18 Oct 2015 (302 days after The Day)

The first day in Port O'Connor (POC) was such a break from the day-to-day.  POC is a fishing village and doesn't see a lot of tourism.  I slept.  I really slept.  I think just being in a place to relax was what my body needed.  We cooked up some leftover BBQ just enjoyed a lazy day.  We walked to a pier that extended about 200 yards over the water.  The wind was blowing hard but it was nice to be alone.

17 Oct 2015 (301 days after The Day)

Well - I got married today.  It was a blizzard of a day and I felt physically weak.  Like really really weak.  I slept in the morning and afternoon and just walking down the hallway had me holding the sides of the walls.  I neglected to pack a belt and needed to go to a mall to pick one up.  I had to ask for help.  I thought - how in the world am I going to get married when I can barely walk.  This entire time I had been eating clear liquids.  My mom wanted me to eat some cheese but after the discussion with my Dr. on how bad cheese was for my condition I said no.  She gave me a slice of lunch meat.  One slice.  I thought... I can do this.  I nibbled on it and an amazing thing happened.  I immediately felt better.  My sister drove me to my future in-laws home where the marriage was to be performed and I sat in a chair there completely exhausted.  I had to put my game face on and that was difficult since I didn't feel so well.  It was so very healing to see everyone that came.  Tom's family, kids, grandkids.... Even Michelle's kids and some I had not seen since they were 8 and now 17.  I was so so so happy to see them all I just wept.  There was so much support and love for me and my family and soon to be future family.  We got a pic during the wedding.  The first one with everyone there.

The wedding went well.  Emma (Samantha's first) sang the song LOVE.  Her voice reminds me of Jan's early on.  It was very healing.  Samantha looked amazing.  Since I felt better having eaten some lunch meat I went ahead and ate a plate of BBQ sitting with the entire family there.  Apparently that is what my body needed.  Protein.  Samantha drove me (how pathetic... hahahaha) to Port O'Connor.  It was a busy day but overall I just felt overwhelmed with love and support from family and friends.  A day of healing for sure.

16 Oct 2015 (300 days after The Day)

I awoke refreshed.  I'm still eating soup and taking meds all the time but I feel so much better.  I went to get a haircut and took Ammon with me.  Afterwards we packed the car and drove to Houston.  Samantha's kids and mine were able to hang out and play together at my sister's home while I talked with her parents and my mom.  To say I was exhausted was an understatement.  It was good to visit with everyone and prepare for tomorrow but wow... what an ordeal.  I went to sleep early.  The kids are excited about tomorrow.  It is weird to think of how our lives have so drastically changed in just 300 days.  I am thankful for Samantha and the love she has for me and my kids and am looking forward to blending our families.

15 Oct 2015 (299 days after The Day)

I finally go in for the procedure at 11:30.  I'm trying to have good humor about the situation.  So... when the doctor said "what brings you in today" my response of "I felt like paying a lot of money to get violated" was met with laughter.  It helped me relax and prepare for the procedure.  So after signing my life away on forms I was wheeled to the back where the procedure was to occur.  The doctor was asking me about my family and small talk type discussion when I overheard the anesthesiologist say "I have started the anesthesia".  I was able to respond somewhat to his last question before I felt a cool flow in my veins and the next thing I remember was a nurse telling me that it was time to wake up.  After recovering a bit and being taken back to my room I immediately wanted to get back into the swing of things.  I found myself with my mobile phone in hand responding to questions at work.  So perhaps that wasn't the wisest decision but it will illustrate that I really did feel ok at the moment.  I blew through a number of emails and TXT messages and got "caught up" enough.  By that time Samantha walked into the room and I was able to get caught up on how things were going at the house.  I spoke to my kids when I was in the ER the day before and they had worried.  I told Emma that I went to "the doctor" which was true but I intentionally omitted that I was at the hospital because I didn't want to worry them.  They found out that I was in the emergency room and panicked.  This was the same hospital where Jan was.  They were reliving a lot of the same emotion when Jan was here but this time with me and their fear that I would die was probably staring them in the face.  Samantha was able to comfort them and help them when she left me the night before but seeing her now gave me an opportunity to get caught up on how things went at the house.  All of the kids had a lot of activities going on Thursday and that would help keep them occupied while I worked to get released.

So - you are probably wondering like me... "How did I get this??"  The doctor said it was either

• Infectious
• Chronic

So to give an overview - infectious means I ate something and was poisoned... e. coli, salmonella, or some other bacteria has gotten in me and they treat it with antibiotics and then I go home.  No big deal.  Chronic means this was self inflicted.  I may have some kind of disorder where things trigger this type of reaction. The doc took some samples of stuff during the procedure and said he would know by Tuesday which it was.  So - with his blessing I was released to go home.  I arrived home tired and my kids were excited to see me.  After talking with them and getting caught up, I slept for the first time in a while.  It was nice.

14 Oct 2015 (298 days after The Day)

ok... so I awoke feeling not much better and my energy level got worse through the day.  Combine that with the fact that it appeared like bad food poisoning that I figured I should go to the ER.  I juggled getting people to help with the kiddos and then Samantha took me in.  I nearly fainted when I was getting admitted.  I was sweating and just overall in poor condition.  They took me to do a CT scan and the results were immediately in... pan colitis.  With my dad's history of crohn's disease the ER doc said he scheduled me for a endoscopy and colonoscopy in the morning.  To spare you the details let me summarize.. The procedure itself is.. well... unknown.  They knock you out so there is no telling; however, the preparation for them just downright sucks.  They gave me a jug of some cocktail to drink that was to clean me out.  Well, my friends, that is an understatement.  It took me about 4 hours to down the jug.  Yes... 4 hours.  After 4 hours I struggled with every gulp.   blah.. but there I sat empty and full of antibiotics and saline solution dripping into my veins.  I mentioned to the doctors, nurses, and everyone involved that I was to be married on Saturday.  Um.. I don't have time for the ER. 

13 Oct 2015 (297 days after The Day)

Today I had physical therapy.  I didn't feel 100%.  Perhaps something I ate.  I don't know.  By the time that was over I put a call into work.  I was not going in.  I normally don't have a lot of sick days but with a wedding just around the corner I didn't want to take any chances.  So - I stayed home and attempted to get better.  Fever, shakes, nasal congestion, and then an upset stomach... great.  Combine that with a physical therapy session that made me sore and to say I felt bad was an understatement.  So - off to get some sleep and hopefully things will be better tomorrow.

12 Oct 2015 (296 days after The Day)

Monday has come with grandma out of town... juggling the kiddos again makes me appreciate all that Jan did.  I have pondered the silence that comes after all the commotion... all of the emotion and tears and heartache... I am left with silence.  As my life takes a new turn I think on how Jan would feel... what she would say... life has moved forward without her and all I have is my memories to take with me.  I have some recordings of her speaking... it is amazing how your senses can take you back like you were there.  I have come to understand that all the pain and anguish that me and my family have endured is a blessing in disguise.  We have learned to value what we have... prioritize what is important.  We have grown closer as a family - and what a high cost for that lesson.  As part of the widow/widower group I am a part of I reflect on new members that arrive.  They arrive like I did... broken and shattered... trying to come to grips with reality.  Unsure of the future and their role without their loved one.  My heart pains for them.  I understand why Christ wrote for us to help our neighbors... to comfort those that mourn.  To walk in their shoes will bring a deeper love and appreciation for those that struggle.  Love heals.  That is what I have learned through this life experience.  Love heals.

11 Oct 2015 (295 days after The Day)

So this Sabbath brought much needed relaxation with the kids.  Even Samantha joined in and it was a fun moment.  Claire; however, did not rest well and has caught a cold.  She has been cranky and I hate this age when they don't know how to blow their nose. 

I find it interesting that the picture frames over my mantle are half-filled.  Seems fitting to fill in the rest with pictures from Samantha's side.  I am approaching this change (getting married) like I do with all of my life actions - do my very best so I will have no regrets.  I am thankful that Samantha has lived through this pain too... she understands the pain that comes from moving.

Well- tomorrow is going to be busy... Samantha and I have to get what we overlooked - a marriage license.  HA!  I forgot!  Tomorrow is Columbus day.  I think that is a federal holiday... well... we will get it on Tuesday then. 

10 Oct 2015 (294 days after The Day)

So Saturday has brought a gob of chores... Both grandma and I ran all around and got stuff done.  Madilyn had a soccer game and played a team where the opposing coach was screaming and cursing.  I mean... this is 11 yr old soccer.  I suppose it is a sad reality these days when parents become coaches and live their childhood dreams through kids.

When the day was done I felt like we got a lot accomplished.  It was good to tick some things off the list.  I know the day is looming when we will have to move and when that happens I know it will be a challenge to pack up this home.  As much as I look forward to starting my life again with Samantha I am pained with having to "wrap up" this one.

09 Oct 2015 (293 days after The Day)

Today seemed to be a normal day.  Lots of meetings and projects at work.  I came home and my kids did Facetime with Samantha and her family.  It was good.  We will hang out some this weekend which will be good.  My kids have grown to love her and her kids.  That is encouraging amidst all the change.

Tomorrow is soccer and tae kwon do.  Until then...

08 Oct 2015 (292 days after The Day)

Thursday has come and I met with one of Madilyn's teachers at school.  It was a good meeting.  I feel I am beginning to get a handle on all of this as a single parent.  I also took Madilyn to soccer practice... all in all... it was a busy day.  A busy day but I feel like I am beginning to be involved to the point that if Jan were here she would be smiling.  I feel bad that I wasn't that involved previously.

07 Oct 2015 (291 days after The Day)

So today I am mega-booked.  I have work in the morning, a parent student conference at lunch, a meeting at work directly afterwards, therapy for Emma directly after work, then take her to a church activity directly afterwards... then come home and eat dinner.  By the time it was all over I didn't need anyone to rock me to sleep.  It was 10 pm by the time I put my head on the pillow and I was out.  I am grateful that Claire slept through the night.

06 Oct 2015 (290 days after The Day)

So - Tuesday was filled with a lot of discussion at work.  I was able to potentially solve a real challenge of a problem.  I say potentially because the error I fixed needs to be tested the type of test will only show with time.  I am hopeful that it has.

I went to physical therapy this morning and about collapsed with exhaustion at the end.  I guess that means I did well.  I don't know... I do know I will feel this in the morning.  Sore muscles is a feeling I was hopeful to leave back in high school and college... but alas... here it is again.

We got the rest of the handy-man work done in my home so now I have functioning sinks.  I wish I would have humbled myself when Jan was here to allow her to call on a handy-man to get stuff fixed... I was just so prideful and things were left half-completed all the time.

I got my new glasses in too... that is exciting to finally be able to see again.  My old frames had broken and they were limping along... these new ones came in just in time.

I took the kids to group counseling tonight.  It was very tough for me.  Extremely tough.  We discussed how children grieve... I was just taken back to the day I had to tell my kids... it was so difficult.  My kids have been so amazing as they work through their own challenges along with dealing me a dad who is a mess.  I look up to them.  They are awesome.

05 Oct 2015 (289 days after The Day)

Monday was a struggle to get back into the swing of things.  I found myself thinking of Jan and Samantha during the day.  One moment it was Jan... another Samantha.  It is weird to love two women and have them both love you back.  Samantha and I are getting wedding details ironed out.  That seems to be taking a moment to work through.  I also realize that we will be combining homes... two sets of dishes... two sets of flatware... two sets of pots and pans... This is only the kitchen.. there are other items that will need to be set aside.  I am also going through all of our personal stuff.  Trying to figure out what is a keep and what isn't.  This is proving extremely difficult.  My heart is very tender on this subject.  I think this exercise will have be stretching and growing again.  I am not looking forward to this.

I took Claire to the doctor this morning and all was well.  That is very encouraging.  

04 Oct 2015 (288 days after The Day)

Sunday was a normal day.  We watched a bit of conference of our church on TV and then the kids took a moment to play outside.  I had mentor meetings with them as we walked individually around the block.  I must have walked the block about 8 times.  I was tired.  It was really good to have one-on-one time with each of the kiddos.  We pushed Claire in the stroller and she just kicked her legs and laughed.  It was a good family bonding moment for everyone.  I got everyone's feedback on how they were feeling about the upcoming change.  I got both support and concerns.  I know change will have everyone trying to figure things out but it is a good thing... hard, yes... but good.

03 Oct 2015 (287 days after The Day)

The day started with normal weekend chores.  Mow the lawn... clean the house.  Every six months there is a general conference of the church we attend that is broadcast online.  I was watching this when the doorbell rang.  It was Tom and Colette.  Their visit was so healing.  Tom plays the piano extremely well.  When he played the piano in my home it makes Jan come alive again... To hear the piano playing is so very healing.  In a way I can close my eyes and see Jan playing.  As he played I wept.

We spent the day talking and catching up.  It was so good to see them and spend time with them.  My kids thoroughly enjoyed their visit too.  They left that evening to drive back to Houston.  I wish we were closer.  I miss them.   

02 Oct 2015 (286 days after The Day)

Friday has come with a sigh of relief.  With a blizzard of work and home activities filling every moment I look forward to a moment of rest... well... perhaps not what most would call 'rest' but rest nonetheless.

As the days tick by until I am married I find myself working to get things in order with my family.  I look forward to being a father to three wonderful kids who had their father taken from them far too early in life.  It humbles me.


I received a call in the morning from Tom's wife, Colette.  It touched my heart.  I am so thankful for their family.  They will be out to visit tomorrow.  I am looking forward to it.  :-)

01 Oct 2015 (285 days after The Day)

Today I had a moment where I felt like Jan was close.  It is an odd feeling... like when you are with someone you know is in the room and you close your eyes... you don't see them but you know they are there... it is similar to that.  I have had feelings like Jan is close before.  I cherish them.  I have learned a lot about Jan and my relationship over these last months and I have seen how memories fade.  I think about what I can do to help Jan's memory stay fresh in my kids's minds.  I think.... if I had died would they forget about me?  I think- no way... I do all these things .... but alas that is the truth.  Time marches on and our minds forget the details of our relationships.  So - I am focusing on what I can do to help keep Jan alive in the minds of my children. 

30 Sept 2015 (284 days after The Day)

So today was one of the craziest days I have had.  I really don't know how single parents do this.

• Seminary
• Chiropractor
• Work
• Car repair
• Home repair
• Kids activities
• Homework
• Dinner

Today I just felt like I was pulled in a ton of different directions.  It is a day I am glad is over.

29 Sept 2015 (283 days after The Day)

It seems crazy that September is almost over.  Time is moving on and my kids are excited (and a bit nervous) about the upcoming change.  For me the change will bring a bit of comfort and normalcy; however, I have told Samantha and myself that while it will be comforting to be married again - I will not expect Samantha to be Jan nor will I want to be Samantha's late husband.  We are each our own selves and with that I have peace that we can comfort each other through the rest of our lives.  She is such a good woman and mother.  I feel blessed to join our families together.

28 Sept 2015 (282 days after The Day)

Well - Monday has come and the weekend has ended.  282 days ago every day was a Monday.  Every day was draining.  Today brings a new day... a new decision.  My morning was filled catching up on projects, establishing new directives for my staff, and helping move forward some challenges that seem never-ending.  I had a moment to speak with my supervisor and that is always positive.  Life is funny... we spend a lot of time at work ... but strive to focus on the family.  So, I have decided to ask myself a simple question.. if my family is really important... what have I done today to strengthen it?  When Samantha and I get married we will have 7 kids.  7 kids will want to spend one-on-one time with me and Samantha.... to build the family bonds.  On Sundays I used to meet with my kids for about 30 min each... I will start doing that again.  I called them "mentor meetings".  They were a safe and private meetings where we had real discussions about life and struggles.  This included things that were good and bad.  I think I will need to to ensure I have time with every child.  I also need to make time to spend with Samantha.  One of the lessons I learned about Jan and my marriage was that we stopped being husband and wife and started being mom and dad.  That was extremely taxing on our marriage.  I realize now that while we felt like we were doing what was right for the kids... it really was a disservice to everyone.

27 Sept 2015 (281 days after The Day)

Well - Sunday was a good day.  I was able to spend it with my kids, my mom, and Samantha.  While in one of our church meetings I introduced Samantha as a visitor and as my fiance.  People clapped and cheered.  I was a little taken off-guard by that.  Sometimes I just forget that many people just remember the horrific story... so having a positive one to add to my life story is worthy of cheers. 

At night my kids had some homework to do and I have struggled with how to help Madilyn.  Samantha worked with her and that helped a ton.  With experiences like this I am glad that Samantha can see the real me... the person who struggles as a parent to be all for their kids... a person who just is trying to do their best.  We had a long discussion on the schooling in our home and the challenges that exist for my kids.... what the future holds and how we can best prepare for it.  That discussion was very draining.  I think it was draining because I am trying to further schooling my kids like Jan did and I am realizing that I cannot do it alone.  I just am failing.  That is a hard lesson for me.  Change is coming and I am trying to ease the burden that change has on my kids.  In a way I feel like Jan is slipping away again.  It just pains me.

26 Sept 2015 (280 days after The Day)

So - Ammon and Madilyn are in a primary program tomorrow.  We dropped them off at church and ran some errands with Emma.  After we picked them up Samantha and Emma went to lunch and Madilyn and Ammon both played with their friends.  Claire was really needy so I spent a long portion of time just holding her.  Claire and Samantha are both warming up to each other and Samantha can now hold her without Claire crying.  The "stranger danger" has passed a little.  I just look on this and think that Jan has had a direct influence on how this is all turning out.  It is a little amazing to me.

25 Sept 2015 (279 days after The Day)

Well - Friday has come.  It is a welcome break from the day-to-day.  Samantha's schedule this weekend is lightened which will give us an opportunity to visit some.  I'm looking forward to that.  I also had a wonderful moment where my eyeglasses almost snapped in half.  I made a run to the optometrist and was able to get a new pair on order.  In the meantime I am attempting to be extra vigilant that I don't further damage them to the point where I cannot wear them.

I watched the move Real Steel tonight with Samantha and my kids.  It was a cute show.  We all piled on the couch.  And... while Samantha's kids weren't able to come over tonight it was still nice to spend time together.

24 Sept 2015 (278 days after The Day)

Today Ammon said something that was hard to hear yet sweet..  We were all crowded around the computer doing FaceTime with Samantha and her family.  Ammon asked Samantha "Can I start calling you mom?  While I am comforted that Samantha is filling this role and I know Jan is happy that the void of "mom" is being filled... I still find myself being put back to the time when Jan was at the funeral home... just looking at her body dressed and ready for the casket.  I remember telling her... "This is not how it was supposed to be!"... Yet... with that raw memory... I am comforted that Samantha has come into our lives and opened her heart and loved me and my kids.  She has treated my kids as her own and I cannot adequately share how much that means to me.  Indeed blessings do come from tragedy.  I have learned how two broken people who have figured out how to move forward can help support each other.  I have learned the power of love heals even the most horrific events.  I am indeed grateful for Samantha.  I look forward to when we are married.  I look forward to being a dad to her kids who had theirs taken from them.

23 Sept 2015 (277 days after The Day)

It is weird for me to think that Claire is 9 months old.  Time really is no respecter of persons.  Work proved to be helpful in it was so busy.  New projects help to move time along.  Claire makes me laugh when I see her.  She really is a daddy's girl.  I love the fact that she can be in a very bad mood or very tired but when she sees me she wants me to hold her and she smiles.  That brings a lot of comfort.  She also enjoys her baths.  She just loves to splash.  My mom sent me this video below of Claire just playing.  She is such a sweet little girl.

22 Sept 2015 (276 days after The Day)

Today was filled with the normalcy of the day... dropping off Ammon at school... going to work... coming home for lunch... going back to work... There was nothing earth-shattering that occurred at work.  I left work and went home and got the kids in the car.  We went to the soccer game.  It was an evenly matched game.  There was one key difference.  We passed the ball and they did not.  The score was 3:0 and Madilyn scored her very first goal ever.  I was so very pleased with her drive and determination as she played.  She was tired... she was huffing and puffing... and she pressed forward.  We didn't have a practice between the games either so that was very interesting to see how it all worked out.

My kids did more FaceTime with Samantha's kids last night.  With our schedules being so crazy technology has enabled us to interact regardless of our running around.  They enjoyed that time.  I also had a good chat with Emma.  She is maturing into a young woman and it is tough for me to see my little girl who I still see as a 2 yrs old.... running around and so busy with life.  Time moves fast and it is moments like this I wish Jan were here to experience.    

21 Sept 2015 (275 days after The Day)

Monday came with anticipation of a chiropractor visit as well as an eye exam.  The chiropractor visit was full of cracking and popping and the doc said "that was great" while I was saying "ouch".  At work there was more of the same type of work stuff.... meetings.... projects.... all good stuff and all somewhat busy.  There was a server change at one location that took down about 14 smaller machines.  It was difficult to identify at the time what the change was but we finally got all 14 up and running. 

I took Madilyn to the eye exam and she does not need glasses...For me... I do.  I got the new perscription and started looking at their frames... I was disappointed.  I just took the perscription and will go to another store for frames.  Kinda a bummer that the selection was so poor.

I received a notice that group therapy would be Tuesday night... I also got a message that Madilyn had a soccer game at the same time.  After talking with the kids everyone wanted to go to the soccer game.  That makes me wonder where we are in healing for our little family.

20 Sept 2015 (274 days after The Day)

So Sunday was a typical day.  We went to church and came home.  My mom had cooked a nice dinner and it was good to sit as a family.   As we ate I reflected on the fact that one of Jan's friends who left before she died moved back into the area.  I realized that she probably doesn't know.... maybe she does.  Who knows... anyway... it was a moment of ... "Oh no... I have to relive this again??" as I thought that she may come up and strike up a conversation.  She did not but it is still a hard subject to dive into when Jan's phone rings and there is some long-lost person Jan knew trying to reconnect.  It just is like a face slap back to 20 December 2014. 

All of my kids did more FaceTime with Samantha's kids.  It is good they have a good relationship since we will all be together in the future.  In a real way - now that the decision has been made ... both Samantha and I just want to hurry up and get married.  Yes there is a lot to do... blending families is not for the faint of heart.  There will be future trials and things to prepare for.  We will need a home that we can all fit into.  Seven kids.... wow.  There will be a lot of adjustment on both sides but it is a challenge Samantha and I are looking forward to.

19 Sept 2015 (273 days after The Day)

So Emma went to the second part of this church activity.  She had a really fun time.  She came back saying that one girl her age who said the opening prayer looked exactly like Jan.  Then she saw another person in the crowd that looked like Jan.  Then when she was talking with her friends she glanced over her shoulder and actually saw Jan.  Like a glow around her and everything.  Someone walked in front of where she was and then she was gone.  It was one of those... did I really just see that??  She came back feeling very happy and excited about those experiences.  I was happy for her.  I also had something stirring inside I could not identify.  We ate dinner.  My mom asked if something was wrong... that I looked like I was going down hill.  I just said I was tired.  We ate dinner and I felt worse and worse.  I got the kids doing their dinner-chores and told my mom that I needed to run an errand. 

I realized what I was feeling.  Grief and mourning.  I was happy that Emma had those experiences.  I believe she saw what she saw.  I was comforted that Jan is still playing an active part in her life.... and I miss her terribly.  I went by Jan's grave and just wept.  I had not done that in some time.  It was a good moment.  I suppose these experiences Emma had just brought up the same feelings of loneliness and abandonment I felt when she left.  I know Jan is still with our family.  And while I know this I am still pained at her departure.

18 Sept 2015 (272 days after The Day)

Well - it is Friday.  Everyday seems to be a blizzard of activity.  I suppose it is better to be extremely busy than idle.  I did something at work I have not done in a long while.  I developed a prototype website for our local controllers.  If it proves helpful I will turn it over to development to re-write to production.  It is a silly thing but I don't do a gob of development these days so when I do I find lots of enjoyment.  The day flew by.

This evening I spent with the Madilyn, Ammon, and Claire on FaceTime with Samantha.  Everyone had a blast... their kids talking to mine and good relationships being built.  Emma was at a church activity until late.

17 Sept 2015 (271 days after The Day)

Today is another busy day.  Emma to seminary at 5:30, physical therapy at 7:30, a day-long meeting at work, and then off to a soccer game with Madilyn at 6.  I do enjoy being busy and sometimes I just forget about everything that is going on.  I forget about Jan, Samantha, and my own needs.  I just get busy and forget.

The day was as busy as I expected.  I came home to say hi and then Madilyn and I left to go to the soccer game.  She is getting better and better and I was pleased to see her ownership of the ball.  Jan would be proud too... she would scream and yell and cheer on the team.  I miss that.  Madilyn's team tied last night.  It was a very good game.

16 Sept 2015 (270 days after The Day)

Well - I awoke refreshed at 5am.  That was a first in a long time.  I also slept.  As I sit in the car waiting for Emma I am looking at my schedule.  7:15 is my chiropractor appointment.  I was disappointed that my neck is still in pain and my arm is still experiencing issues.  I'm interested to see what happens today.
I went to the chiropractor and got another dose of moving my body in ways that are not natural resulting in a slew of breaking bones sounds.  I still have issues but they really do seem to be growing less and less.

I have an action-packed day today.  Lots of work at work and then I flew home - ate some dinner and then off to do missionary work at church.  It was good to visit with some of the members of church.  I had not seen them in a long while.  I returned exhausted from the day.  A friend of mine is having issues with his spare tire so he came by about 10pm to pick up mine.  Once that was done I cleaned up for bed and I was out.

I find that daily I think on Jan.  At times I swear she is right next to me.  I miss our conversations.

15 Sept 2015 (269 days after The Day)

Well - I slept once again with a heat pack on my neck.  Morning is early these days with Emma in seminary so my alarm went off at 5am and I apparently turned it off and didn't realize it.  Emma came in at 5:25 and woke me up.  I rolled out of bed nauseated with a lack of sleep.  After seminary I came back home and slept for another hour.  When I took Ammon to school he was sad.  This transition to a new school has been very tough on him.  He was close to tears when I dropped him off.  It just breaks my heart.  I headed to work which started with a meeting at 9 and another at 10 which didn't end until 12.  I came home for lunch and realized Madilyn has soccer practice at 6 and I would not be able to take her.  I texted a friend to see if she could pick up and drop her off to practice.  She responded that she could.  Phew.  I headed back to work for a few hours before taking Emma to therapy.  Then I flew to the chiropractor for my "first adjustment".  I don't know if it is this chiropractor or all chiropractors but my exposure seems that they are battling an uphill battle trying to convince others of the need for chiropractic care.  They wanted me to watch a couple of videos before the treatment.  Having a business degree I am always analyzing why someone is saying or doing something in any promotional video.  I enjoyed the analysis in my marketing classes in college where we would pick apart a commercial to see what messages were sent to the audience and what audience was intended for the ad.  With that as a background my mind was spinning on why I was asked to watch a video on chiropractic care when all I wanted was relief from the pain in my back.  I was finally taken to a back room where I was shown my x-rays and explained how stuff was a little off.  I really could care less... I just wanted some kind of relief.  They had me on a table and cracked my back like it was being run over by a car.  I seriously felt a gob of pain.  Then he cracked my neck.  I felt relief after a while on my back and then when my neck was done I felt a wave of nausea.  Like the moment before you lose it when you are sick... yes - it took me to that spot.  The pain I had previously had dissipated.  I was encouraged.  He said he wanted to see me three more times this week.  Well - my schedule doesn't allow for much impromptu meetings outside of work so I have one set for tomorrow morning and the rest for next week.  I finally got home still nauseated from the adjustment.  Madilyn was just being dropped off.  After walking in and setting down my bag Madilyn said "OH NO!  Dad!  I need to go back to the practice field.  I left my bag and ball!"  Wonderful.  So I got back in the car and drove her to get her stuff.  By the time I got back I really was just flat exhausted.  It was after 8pm.  Grandma had cooked dinner and after we ate everyone did the nighttime routine and went to bed.  I read Ammon a book and got everyone settled.  I crashed with a hope of sleeping pain-free.

14 Sept 2015 (268 days after The Day)

Monday morning brings a blah feeling as I go back to work.  I have been out on vacation for about a week so being back I have a mountain of work to do.  Like most times coming back from vacation is filled with impromptu meetings with key personnel and getting up to speed. 

I have been fighting a crick in my upper-back/lower neck that has my right forearm burning.  This has been going on for a few days so I set an appointment with a chiropractor.  This is my first time ever going.  I arrived and he spent time taking x-rays of my spine and then said - "Let's schedule a time for you to come back for your first adjustment".  I was irritated because the pain I am dealing with is constant.  I set an appointment for tomorrow and we will see what happens.

13 Sept 2015 (267 days after The Day)

So today I took Samantha to my church.  For some that may not be a big deal but now that we are engaged it dealt with a portion of me that is private.  A portion that was shared and really felt natural.  The day was filled with church and kids working on home work.  Really - a lazy day but it was good to share it with Samantha.  As the kids struggle with various challenges with school work I find myself wishing Jan was around to assist in all this.  She was much better than I am when working with the kids.  She had so much patience.  I can teach principles but learning can be challenging when your main purpose is to find something that helps inspire the child to be self driven.  Today it wasn't happening and we trudged through what was small and it took hours.

12 Sept 2015 (266 days after The Day)

Today Ammon had a Tae Kwon Do test for his 1st deg purple belt.  He tested ok but I think it is safe to say he prefers to not be in front of a gob of people.  Madilyn missed a time at the skating rink a few weeks back when I had to take a trip to Houston so I took her, a friend, Ammon and Emma to the skating rink with Samantha.  This was Ammon's first time.  He really struggled but by the time we were leaving he was starting to get it down.  Madilyn had a game that evening and they played on a field that looked the same size as a football field.  Madilyn's team was winded with all the running but they won.  I was so happy for them.  The kids were excited for Samantha to join us on all of these events.

11 Sept 2015 (265 days after The Day)

We made the Facebook post today.  It is a new way of communicating when a single post on Facebook can drive communication so quickly to so many.  We took the kids bowling after school.  Ammon was wearing a necklace my sister got him that has a lock of Jan's hair sealed in it.  The locket came loose and came off during the game and we didn't realize it until about an hour after we left.  We drove back hoping and praying that it was there.  After a frantic search I found it on a neighboring lane.  I breathed a sigh of relief and took this necklace and will put it in a safe place for him.  Prior to Jan's burial I also captured locks of hair for each of the kids that are not sealed up.  I will give this to them when they are grown.  Even though my life is moving forward I am striving to keep Jan's memory close with us all.  After all - we are the product of our life experiences and Jan is one that has shaped us all.  With Samantha it is the same for her late husband, Justin.  I'm sure Justin and Jan are helping us all.   That brings a bit of comfort as we give ourselves permission to move forward.

10 Sept 2015 (264 days after The Day)

Well - since Samantha and I are engaged things are starting to settle in a bit.  In a weird way it is a bit of normal.  We took the kids to see Shaun the Sheep the movie and because we watched it at a 4:40 pm we almost had the entire theater to ourselves.  It was nice.  We started looking at dates and the complexities of joining our families. 

09 Sept 2015 (263 days after The Day)

Well - I suppose it is fitting for me to start by saying that since I have started blogging - there is a portion of me that I share... and a portion that I don't.  As life changes occur I think on the long-term effect these changes will have and based on that I choose whether or not to share.  So - I think it is fitting to share some that I haven't to bring you up to speed.  When I was in a very dark time in my life my counselor recommended a Facebook group specifically for widow/widowers.  This was just a few months after Jan died.  I found comfort there.  It was a bit of solace in a life that was absent of it.  I began to look forward to just chatting with fellow widowers and widows of their pains and how they were progressing through healing.  On May 13th I made a comment to a post of a widow - Samantha. It was in a real way a chapter of my life and the complexity and hardships that come from the loss of our spouses.  Through this exposure we found that we both went to the same high school and had many of the same connections yet never met.  We continued to communicate and a friendship was formed.  While we had separate lives it brought a bit of comfort to me during an otherwise turbulent time in my life.  After a while we both realized something may be there between us.  There is a funny thing about age and experience.  For me - I just had been through the ringer with my emotions and I wanted to know if something was there or not.  If so - great.  If not - great.  I just wanted to get clear.  I went on a date.  THAT was an experience I thought I would not have again in my life.  We connected.  We went out on several more dates and I realized that I really enjoyed being around her.  She is an awesome mom and very kind to her kids.  Over the months we have grown close and today I proposed.  She accepted.  The comfort that has come from this is really overwhelming.  Both of our lives have been filled with dark times.  Both of us have struggled with isolation that comes from losing a spouse and being thrust into the life of being a single parent.

My sister-in-law, Michelle, died of cancer in 2006 and her husband, Scott, married a widow (Kim) after Michelle's passing.  Their situation was very similar except for one detail.  I have 4 kids and Samantha has 3.  Scott has 6 kids and Kim has 5.  I feel fortunate to have them to inquire and ask questions.  Blending families is a serious business and for me I want to ensure it is successful.  The future is bright and also has some complexities.  I'm sure it will work out... for me the comfort comes in knowing I am no longer going to be alone.

In talking with my kids and family over the past weeks there was always a potential that something could develop between me and Samantha and they knew marriage was a possibility.  I felt torn on this event in my life.  I never wished for this.  I only wished to be with Jan yet Samantha was in a very similar boat.  Who chooses the life of a widow/widower?  You get thrust into that role and have to figure things out.  I had reservations in telling my brother-in-law, Tom.  In my life I seem to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  His words to me were so kind that I just wept.  I just wasn't expecting so much love and support from the brother of my wife.  I wasn't expecting it because in a way I feel like I am betraying Jan.  It is hard for me to see what this must look like from another prospective but at the same time I feel Jan has had a direct influence in helping me find someone who can step in in Jan's absence.  Kids continue to grow up and I have taken comfort that Samantha will be able to be there physically for the kids since Jan cannot. 

So - something for the blog... I am engaged.