26 Dec 2015 (1 yr 6 days after The Day)

I have had some rough days this last week.  On Dec 22 2014 Jan died.  One year ago today I buried her.    To say my feelings have been tender is an understatement.  I recall having to do Christmas alone and figure out the presents.  I recall how I was just on autopilot.  This year - Christmas was good.  It was different but good.  I have learned that love heals.  I have been amazed at how my children work through both the pain and change in their lives.  Samantha has been a wonderful mother to my children.  I feel so blessed.  She has been a good wife to me.  There are differences between Jan and Samantha and I cannot compare them as they are different people but they both have one quality - they are genuine, honest, and loving.

So - to someone entering this journey of widow/widowerhood I say - don't give up.  Just press forward.  It is so tempting to just give-up and the feeling of isolation can be overbearing at times.  It can be difficult to be positive; however, being positive is what helps healing to occur.

I have pondered if I will write more or just leave it as is.  I think I will write from time to time.  I hope those that read these words can be filled with some hope should they be struggling in their own lives.  It started with a moment, then a minute, then 10 minutes, then 30 minutes, then an hour, then a day, then a week, then a month, then a year that I have worked through.  Every milestone has been a significant accomplishment for me personally.

I still miss Jan terribly.  I am still brought to tears when I think on the whole situation.  I know I still have healing to go through and I don't anticipate healing to be quick but I am trying to give myself space enough to heal.  The love my children have given me has been very helpful.  Even when I don't feel like I could accept a hug or kiss my kids have been there for me.  This pic was captured today.  I  feel lucky to be Claire's father.  I love this little girl.  She wants me to hug her the same way I would hug Jan.... with my arms encompassing her.