This last week I found myself traveling. I had to go from SLC to DFW to Houston and back. It was a very strange feeling being back in Arlington. I felt like I knew the area and was comfortable going wherever but I just didn't feel like it was home. I suppose that is a blessing. I stopped by my old home and found the Realtor has done a good job at getting it put back together and cleaned up. I was impressed. As I walked through my home I could close my eyes and hear my kids and see them in my mind's eye running around with all our stuff still there. I could see Jan and for a moment it was like all of this chaos never happened. Then - opening my eyes I found an empty home void of laughter and music. Indeed there have been good memories there and I feel grateful that I am taking them with me. I attempted to do things different while I was in town so I wouldn't be overwhelmed with sadness. I stayed at a hotel that was new for me. I ate at restaurants that were new to me. Being back in my office though was tough. I accomplished a lot but the memories are thick.
I drove my rental car to Houston for my management meetings there and by the time Wednesday ended I was ready to be back home. I muscled through the rest of my trip. I was able to visit both with my family and Jan's. It was healing.
I also learned a lot about myself. As I went through all of the past year's events I had to come to grips with some aspects of how I dealt with those emotional parts. I really felt the spectrum from sadness to abandonment to anger to frustration to feeling numb to hope, happiness, laughter, and joy. All of these changes in emotion were triggered by my reflecting on a certain aspect of how things transpired. For example - when I came home from the hospital after Jan died - my kids were all sleeping in my bed. I knew I was going to have to wake them. I knew there lives would forever be changed. As I looked on them I felt like I was abandoned... I felt like I had to somehow get strength to be a rock for my kids. While I knew I needed to pull it together I was like sand.... just in a million pieces. I made the decision to be as strong as I could. As the saying goes... you "fake it till you make it"... in a way that is what happened. I found that I was strong. I found that while my world was crumbling around me I found that Matthew 24:35 helped me to know that God will be there forever. That we are his children and that as such are eternal as well. It may be a silly scripture to think of but for me it helped. It was like God himself put his hand on my shoulder and said - "Rob - I'm here... everything will be ok". That confidence I took to let me move forward day after day. I had to make decisions to not be angry. I had to process that part that was so angry. I decided to let go of that anger. When I was in Houston I had to get clear on my decision to let go of that anger. I found myself reprocessing what I vowed to be done with. It was painful but good. I suppose as an alcoholic despises alcohol so I dealt with anger. Anger I found could fuel your energy... it can give you added strength but poison you along the way. Anger can be contagious too. I didn't want to spread this poison... I decided to let go of the anger. It was tough to relive the justification in my mind for being angry... to relive and hold that pain. In the end I decided again to let go of it and that clarity helped me to release a burden I was carrying.
On Saturday I traveled back to SLC and got the second half of our stuff from Mayflower/United. Finally. Afterwards we piled into the van and went and picked out a tree. A real Christmas tree. I have never had a real tree in my home before so this is a new tradition. At the end of the day I crashed feeling exhausted from the day and week's events. I am glad to be home.
