29 January 2019 ( 4 years, 1 month and 9 days after The Day)

Today I relived a bit of sadness from my past.  I have a friend of mine who's husband has terminal cancer and they decided to stop fighting it and put him on hospice care.  They have two kids and during this trial she was expecting her third.  To make things more difficult her baby has died before childbirth leaving her to bury two family members in the near future.  I think we all feel a bit of pain when we know of someone who is going through such hard times.  It is something that we grow from but I think we all wish for a magic wand to help them out.  I think it is only after going through such hard times that we reflect on the positive effects that pain had on our lives.  As much as I hate losing Jan and going through that hell I have to agree that the pain and anguish has made me a different person.  A better person.  It is a steep price to pay for that growth and is a shame if it is not used to help others.  I think we all have something to share.  We all have something we can do to help others.

24 January 2019 (4 years, 1 month, 5 days after The Day)

So - phones.  New phones.  This is the news.  Some kids seem to be prone to breaking things.  There are a couple in our family that will generally break any technology faster than the others.  Anyway - we were planning on moving our mobile phones to consolidate our phone plans but one of the kiddos shut their phone in the door of the car prompting the need to replace a phone.  We just were not planning on the expense.  ug.

I was comforting Madilyn tonight.  She was missing Jan.  Sometimes the grief just shows up when we least expect it.  We talked a bit and we just hugged.  I feel bad when my kids feel pain.  :-(

For whatever reason I feel the last few days in our home have been going more positive with the blending of our kids.  I don't know what caused the change but so far I think my interaction with my step kids the children's interaction with each other just seems to be better.  That is so encouraging.

There were a bunch of break-ins the other day around our neighborhood.  All of it was centered around cars being broken into.  It is unfortunate but it is a reality that sometimes we forget about.

I've spent a few days this week shoveling snow.  It is so tiring ... especially when it is wet snow (i.e. slushy at the bottom).  So - most of the snow melted and that is making things easier outside.  I do have challenges with people using ATVs with a plow though.  A neighborhood kid was helping my neighbor across the street and he was pushing all the snow down their driveway (long driveway) directly in front of my home.  This wasn't a small amount either.  I stopped him when the pile was 3.5 feet high and asked him to move it since it interfered with putting out trash cans and parking vehicles.  I catch myself when I'm talking to people and I sound like a grouchy old man.  I need to learn to smile when I am talking to people so I don't come across that way.  Well - the good news is I seem to have plenty of opportunities to practice this.

Until later -  

18 January 2019 (4 years and 30 days after The Day)

So - yes there has been a bit of a delay from my last entry to today.  I think mainly because I am mentally processing a lot and have struggled on what to include in this blog.  I think I have struggled with how life has turned out.  That phrase is not what you may be thinking.  I was talking to Samantha earlier today and I have just struggled with the realities of how the youth in my home treat adults.  I think I had some idealistic view point that wasn't reality.  I get that kids grow up and seek for independence and want to go and do but I have just really been hit hard with how the lack of gratitude is just so pervasive in their attitudes and demeanors.  I think this is a result of two things -

1.) my tolerance of poor behavior
2.) my children being children

I know I am not a perfect parent and am far from it.  I know it is difficult for everyone to look at their own weaknesses.  Some people gossip, some people are prideful, some boast, etc.  For me I feel I snap at my kids.  My level of tolerance evaporates as I immediately skip to the end and share my thoughts leaving my kids feeling unheard.  "You don't listen" is a common phrase I have heard so I am taking a step back and learning how to parent again.  I feel like I am in parenting 101 now that my children are in their teen years.  I feel like everything I have learned over the past years is not much use when talking to a person who already believes they understand things.

On that note - I have more gray hair coming in.  I feel I have earned every one.

12 January 2019 (4 years and 24 days after The Day)

Today was spent doing chores and going to Costco.  What an entry.

I walked around our block today which took a lot longer than anticipated as I ran into some of my neighbors and started talking.  Seriously - this is a lame entry.

I did get a chance to talk with my sister for a bit on the phone and that was nice.  The older kids (Dylan and Emma) were on Choir trip all day and Alex was gone most of the day.  He had some activities in the morning and then ended up accidentally locking his keys in the car.  I swear - for a day that we didn't do much I am tired.

Samantha and I are still talking about a dog.

11 January 2019 (4 years and 23 days after The Day)

So today I ended up fixing a ton of issues at work.  I mean a ton.  I know sometimes Fridays are like just wishing the weekend would come but for me I ended up getting one thing done after another.  By the time I looked at the clock it was nearly 6pm (7pm central).  I generally start work at 7am (8am central) so suffice it to say I was a bit shocked at the time.

I ended up going to the gym and it was our last day.  (our membership expired).  I am not trying to boast but rather document this.  I am so proud of myself.  In the last year I dropped over 30 lbs.  I have maintained that for a few months now.  Yesterday I told Samantha I wanted to get our moneys worth so I decided to do an arm and leg day (dumb idea).  I did the following:

On the leg press: 10 reps @ 385 then 20 reps @ 445
On the bench press: 20 reps @ 165
On the butterfly press: 30 reps @ 160
On the pulldown: 30 reps of 120
On the pushdown: 30 reps of 140
Then I did the cycle for 20 min.

Yes- my legs are strong but my knees are weak.  I try to do the same exercise I had to do in physical therapy when I tore my meniscus all those months ago.  Going from a leg press of 25 lbs to 445 is pretty good progress in my book.   I used to do more when I was a kid so while it sounds impressive... I'm still working up to what I could do in my 20s.

Ok - enough of the logging of personal stats... this is just for my reference but then again - so is this silly blog.  hahaha.

I ended up playing Minecraft when I got home.  I'm not a "gamer" so this was just an adult trying to figure out video games that my kids play.  I don't know how to do anything but dig so the kids taught me a few things on how to make tools and I ended up digging to an underground cavern with a lava lake.  I was like wow!... that is cool.  I can see how kids want to keep playing this stuff.  So I looked at the clock - 11:35pm.  I'm off to bed.

10 January 2019 (4 years and 22 days after The Day)

Well - I wrote a bit and realized that it is taking this blog in a different direction so I erased what I wrote.  Samantha shared a podcast with me today and I have to admit that I found it very interesting.  It is about real stories of tragic events in people's lives and how they handled them.  It made me realize that while we all have tragic events in our lives we are equally interested in hearing of these events from others.  Well - perhaps that is just me.  I found this podcast very interesting as I listened to the commentary of the person describing what happened and then hearing commentary of a counselor on how to deal with it.  I think for once in my life it was validating that I am not the only one with issues.  Ha!

Well - my neighbor has had computer issues for a while and I have meant to go by and help her so earlier this week I went over and did a phase 1 of fixing her machine.  Tonight I went over for phase 2.  I was shocked that it took as long as it did and I realize I must not judge time well.  I was happy to help her on her machine but at the same time I was sad that I missed out with dinner with the family.  That is my one time to get everyone together so we can chat.  I was hoping tonight would be better than yesterday.

I had a good chat with Emma tonight.  She is reading a book called "A Child Called 'It'" and can I just say it is super hard to listen to.  It is about a boy's life growing up with an alcoholic mother that abused him in horrible ways.  My heart breaks for children who are abused.

I had a good conversation with Samantha today.  Sometimes we go a ways between these conversations but today's was good.

Until tomorrow -  

9 January 2019 (4 years and 21 days after The Day)

Today was one of those days that went well until dinner.  Then everything kind of fell apart and I feel to blame.  So - yay for me.  I went to the gym later on to get rid of some stress and that helped some.  I'm back at home and just tired and frustrated.  Oh well.  Sometimes life is just tough.

8 January 2019 (4 years and 20 days after The Day)

So today at work I feel I have tapped into something that is really interesting.  Today it made my day fly by so quickly.  I was battling nausea a lot of the day for some reason but the stuff I was doing at work was and is so cool.  It deals with robotic process automation (RPA).  In normal terms it allows a computer to use normal human interfaces (i.e. applications and websites) to do commands that are automated.  So - if you have some process in system 1 then have to type in an output of system 1 into system 2 and from 2 to 3 and so on this RPA tool makes this drudgery of work automated.  There are so many ways this can help companies to do more with the employees they have.  I'm excited about it.  The potential is huge.

Claire was really cute today.  She is stringing more words together to make sentences and she will engage you in conversation and is persistent that you understand her.  She is so cute.  We learn new words every day as she stumbles around how to say something.  When she is tired of trying to explain she will put her hand out and say "Come.  I show you."  Her phrases are simple but so sweet.  She makes me smile.  She just is a happy child and I just love her so much.

Well - there is more on the agenda tomorrow.  Good to Great.  That is what I am focused on.  I want to be better tomorrow than I am today.

 

7 January 2019 (4 years and 19 days after The Day)

So before and after a productive day at work I shoveled snow.  Lots and lots of snow.  I put salt on the driveway and used a linoleum scraper to scrape ice off the driveway.  It is extremely effective.  When I moved here from Texas I didn't have much in the order of snow removal tools except for this scraper that was extremely useful in Arlington when the snow and ice came.  I used this in UT and at first people looked at me like I was just weird but after I was scraping the concrete clean I have seen people have envious looks.  The thing that is humorous is the scraper looks homemade.

I am appreciating clean streets.  I am appreciative of kids that try their best and while they make mistakes and can be at times annoying they are good kids.  I love them.  I am appreciative of a wife that helps keep the chaos in order at our home.  The amount of things she juggles is staggering and I am thankful for her.

Well - we got the kids car into the driveway so if the plow comes by he can scrape that section of the road.  I had to dig out places for the trash cans to go.  It was tiring.  I'm off to bed.

 

6 January 2019 (4 years and 18 days after The Day)

Today was a new church schedule.  Generally we would go for three hours which were broken into three parts but today it was two hours broken into two parts.  The snow started really falling at church and I was slipping everywhere getting back to the car after church concluded.  On our way home we lost all traction going up our street and both Samantha and Dylan (the only others in the car besides Claire) helped push the car a bit to get some traction.  That added about 15 min to the drive home.

We grabbed a bite to eat at the house and then Samantha and Dylan had to run an errand.  I watched on my phone how they kept having to try different routes because the snow was so bad.  When they were heading back to the house I saw they were stuck at the bottom of the road again so I headed down the street to help them.  It was pointless.  The tires had no traction.  It was a thick wet snow so Samantha parked the car at the bottom of the hill and we were going to walk up.  Our neighbor at the bottom of the hill volunteered to hook a tow rope to the front of our car and he pulled her up the hill using his 4x4 pickup.  We then had to push like mad to get the car into the driveway.  I tell you - the snow was just horrible.  The plows were not running all day so the snow was thick.  Samantha, Dylan, and I cleared the driveway and then Dylan and I helped the neighbors with their driveways.  About that time the plow came down the road three different times.  Every time he made a bigger dent and spread more rocks/sand on the road.  The third time he came so very close to clipping the kids car that was parked on the road.  I was sweating bullets as he moved the plow blade just in the nick of time.  So - for those that don't know the plow is a dump truck with a huge plow blade on the front.  The one today was filled with sand/rocks and had a spreader on the back.  They look something like this -

If the snow is falling like this tomorrow I think Samantha will take the kids to school.  By the time we were done we headed in and Samantha was making homemade pizza.  I took a moment to discuss a few scriptures from the book of Matthew in the New Testament.  It was a good discussion.  We considered how Joseph acted knowing Mary was pregnant and how Mary must have felt about Joseph given his actions towards her.  It was a good discussion.

Madilyn had to go to choir practice and after the plows ran Samantha had no problem navigating the roads to get her there and back.  After a FaceTime call to my mom with Claire we all had some caramel popcorn and watched a movie together (well... 1/2 of one).  And with that - we are all off to bed.

More tomorrow.

5 January 2019 (4 years and 17 days after The Day)

Well - for a Saturday things seemed pretty relaxed.  Samantha ran a ton of errands and I cleaned the house.  The kids slept until noon and then wandered into the kitchen.  It was a very lazy day.  The washing machine has been running nonstop but outside of that it has been low-key.  I have things happen in life and wonder at times what to write about and what to not write about.  Sometimes my being cautious makes for bland entries.  So - today is a bland entry.

The one thing that I have been pondering is the book by Jim Collins - Good to Great.  In that book he states that good is the enemy of great because when things are good they are generally "good enough" and I have thought on this for many years.  I think this is profound for me because I wonder what in my life is "good enough" that I don't go for great.  I feel so blessed in many aspects of my life but there are areas I think I could improve.  I think I am "good enough" as a husband, father, brother, and uncle but I really think I could be better.  I think I am "good enough" at work but I do think I could be better.  Get my point?  I think oftentimes we don't stretch ourselves and settle for good enough.  When I think what I would have to do to be great it generally highlights things I know I should be doing anyway but I don't because perhaps I lack motivation.  I think this topic has been on my mind more and more as I strive to be my best -

More tomorrow -

4 January 2019 (4 years and 16 days after The Day)

So today went blistering fast for me.  There was a lot of activity at work and I had a bit to juggle at home as well.  I feel bad for my kids and their age differences as there are age appropriate activities that the younger ones want to do (i.e. they want to stay out later like the older kids).  They are all off to bed and I am tired of being the bad guy explaining what age appropriate means.  I am also a bit frustrated that the kids have trouble just saying 'ok' when asked to do something.  Instead of an 'ok' they give rationale of why they are doing what they are doing and all I am interested in hearing is 'ok' when I ask them to do something.

So - I guess I needed to be on a soap box tonight.  My apologies.

Claire is just from God.  I'm telling you she is the sweetest child.  She just comes up to me and says 'Dad, I hold you' at which point she puts her arms up.  I pick her up and she has me wrapped around her finger.  She has the cutest sayings.  I need to write them all down before she stops saying them.

I relived a bit of my feelings about Jan's passing as it related to Ammon today and I feel physically tired.  It is weird how that memory feels like a vacuum to my energy.

More tomorrow -

3 January 2019 (4 years and 15 days after The Day)

So - it is the new year.  My apologies for not writing over the last few days.  Yesterday was the first day for me to go back to work and it was like a punch in the gut.  I never realized how much the time away from work meant.  So - after a full day of playing catch-up I went to the gym.  I don't know if it was the time away from the gym or the difficulty of getting back into the swing of things at work but the workout was good.  Today started like any other.  I got to work and started plugging away where I left off yesterday.  After getting a few things crossed off my list it was lunch time.  Samantha met me in the kitchen and she and I had some leftovers.  We talked about the kids and somehow the topic of Claire came up and how Claire may view Samantha when she is older.  This discussion ended up around Claire's traumatic birth and I ended up sharing some of my most painful internalizations that I have not shared with anyone regarding my feelings at the time everything was transpiring.  Suffice it to say I went from functioning to non functioning very quickly.  After the conversation Samantha headed to pick up Claire from preschool and I picked up my laptop and started writing.  I think this writing for me is therapeutic.  So - thank you blogger.com for allowing me to receive some therapy and for those that read this silly thing - I hope there is something positive you get from it.

More later -  

So - I am just very thankful for Samantha.  She really is Wonder Woman.  She is so kind and loving she juggles a ton and is there for the kids.  I don't know how I lucked out.  I think of how she handled situations and how differently I would have.  She has such kindness.  I am grateful for her.  She really helps me to be a better me.  I am so thankful for that.

Until tomorrow-