Samantha has been listening to a few different widow podcasts. I have found I absolutely relate to them. When your spouse dies you do not "recover" but rather make this change a new normal. I have gone back and forth between writing in this blog and not. I think my distance from it has helped me to figure out more of me. The challenge in this is I feel distant from my past life. It is, in a way, a dream. I know I have probably mentioned this in the past but Jan and I were married for 15 years before she passed. I don't know how that time can feel as a dream but it does to me. I feel that is the struggle I have. I want to move forward so much so I don't have to feel any pain yet there is a cost to progression. At least, for me there is.
Blending families brings challenges and Samantha and I parent our own kids. I have heard other blended families doing the same thing. I get frustrated sometimes because I don't know the best thing to do at times and my kids know this. Samantha keeps her distance because it makes the situation complicated and it is times like this that I wish I could just get Jan to chime in and voice her opinion on a given situation.
My second oldest stepson and my oldest daughter are applying to universities. They are both in their senior year and classes are winding down. It is a big deal and is making them stretch in their preparations. Not only are they striving to do their best on ACT tests and the applications they are submitting but they are also striving to get scholarships to help offset the cost. I know they feel a tremendous burden to do their best and this last week I felt I was able to give them some pointers on ways of communicating in writing. I don't know if I do this perfect on this blog, but writing for me has been healing. So - with some pointers applied they clicked the submit button and now the waiting game begins. Both have been accepted at a handful of schools already but they are both waiting for answers from their first picks. It is hard for me to believe that Emma who was 13 at the time Jan passed is going to college next year. Time really is a respecter of nobody.
I have written and removed entire sections to this posting. Many have updates on me personally and I don't know how much that matters in this blog. Perhaps I will just jot down a few things and not drone on about it. I went to a local thrift store this week and picked up some filing cabinets for my office. I am excited to get my office a bit more organized. While I am not a paper person I do end up dealing with it and until now didn't have a place for it. Samantha has helped me to be less cluttered in my work environment and these cabinets will help a ton. I have also been considering additional formal school. I have considered this for a long time now but it has been on my mind recently. I lucked out and was able to get a mentor to help me in my field of work. I went to a technology conference hosted locally here in SLC and walked away with a potential mentor. After a meeting online discussing challenges and opportunities to improve I was able to get some real guidance on how to do things better. I feel humbled that this person is giving me the time of day.
So - that is it for now, my friends. I wish you all a very happy evening.
