31 December 2019 (5 years, 12 days after The Day)

So, a few things have occurred since my last post.  Samantha and Claire both got the flu.  I knew this was inevitable but it still is tough.  With Claire having medical challenges with high fevers we are watching her closely.  The doctors say this is only for the next year or so and she will outgrow it.  That being said with a little one being sick it just is tough on everyone.  Claire is in good spirits though so that is good.  I feel bad for Samantha since 99% of all questions from the kids go to her.  I try to jump in the middle but often times I feel I am ill equipped to answer the question at hand.  Sad. Yes... sad but true.  Since getting over the flu myself it is comforting to know it will only last about a week but that was one long week for me.

Here is a pic of Claire snuggling with me while we watched a show last night.

After feeling a bit better myself after getting over the flu I embarked on a new challenge.  Making sausage.  Yes, this is something that I knew nothing about but Samantha got me a book for Christmas and I took to learn all there was on the subject.  So, after a few solid days of learning I embarked on the task and I learned some things.

1. Following recipes can make the end result really good thus making you appear like you know what you are doing. 
2. Making sausage is very messy.  I mean like meat on the floor, cabinets, smeared on the countertops, etc.  The process turned our kitchen into a slaughterhouse and it was nasty.  
3. I had to purchase some bourbon for this recipe and since I am not a drinker I know nothing about it.  This made for a comical experience in the liquor store as I didn't know what I was looking for.  I still don't know if what I got is junk or not but the end result was good so I guess it was ok.
4. Casings stink.  Seriously.  

So- AFTER the mess of this process - this is the outcome:

I threw them on the smoker yesterday and here is the final product:

They are really good.  I was shocked at how good they taste.  They definitely do not taste like ANY sausage I have ever come across in UT.  So, I will count this as a win and will probably make more after the impact of the cleaning process wears off.

I also smoked some ribs for some people in the neighborhood and played Santa delivering ribs.  It was fun.  I also smoked a turkey and at 12:30 in the morning it was finally done.  I think it is only a matter of time before I end up building a kitchen outside.  Cooking BBQ is messy but I am such a sucker for the taste.  I love it.

I have been on vacation and this week it ends after the new year.  I have enjoyed this vacation even though I spent it with lots of Tylenol as I battled the flu.  It was so good to visit with everyone and not be in the office.

Until later -   

26 December 2019 (5 years, 6 days after The Day)

I am just shocked at how good this Christmas is going.  It really is going well.  There has not been a lot of bad memories and pain.  I feel like Samantha and I are starting to blend our families and it is really good to have her family feel as my own.  

I feel like I am finally over the worst with the flu.  Outside of a bad headache and bad head cold I think I am on the mend.  My family and I got a wooden liberty puzzle for Christmas.  We get serious about puzzles and we did it in one day.  If you have never solved one and you are into puzzles, I highly recommend getting one.  They are not very cheap since they are wood but they are fun to put together.

This is the one we just finished:

If you look underneath it it looks like this

Anyway - get a puzzle and have some fun.  

Samantha and I took a minute to clean up the house.  After getting the boxes broken down from all the gift giving I have taken them to a box recycler and have a bit less clutter in the house.  

It has been snowing for the past few days but luckily it is not sticking on the roads so driving around is much easier. 

I am going to fire up the smoker and get some BBQ for the new year.  I got a book on making sausage for Christmas and I am very excited to give it a shot.  The primary reason I am excited is there is not much sausage selection here in UT.  It is a sad reality.

Well - I'm off to put Claire to bed.  Until later - 

25 December 2019 (5 years, 5 days after The Day)

So today I awoke at 3:30 am feeling awake and horrible.  I picked up my phone and thumbed through email, news, social media, games, etc.  After exhausting that form of entertainment I put my phone down, closed my eyes again, and drifted back to sleep for a few more hours.  I awoke with Samantha telling me to get up that the kids were anxious to get downstairs.  I got myself out of bed, cleaned up, and headed out to see all the kiddos waiting by the stairs.  We all went down and they tore into their stockings.  I love seeing them smile.  We then opened presents and had a good time.  I was feeling like death warmed over so I excused myself to go back to sleep afterwards.  It seemed like only a few minutes after I closed my eyes that Claire came into the room asking if I was hungry for breakfast.  I went into the kitchen to find that everyone had eaten except for Samantha and me.  She cooked french toast, sausage, bacon, and eggs.  It was definitely not healthy but man was it good.  After breakfast, I cleaned up the kitchen and then went back to bed.  Samantha woke me to ask if I was up to going to a family movie.  I got up and went to the movie.  Jumanji: The Next Level.  It was a cute movie.  I started to feel better after the movie.  We then came back home and I crashed again.  Samantha came to tell me it was time to leave for dinner with her parents.  I got myself together again and went to dinner.  This day has been nothing but sleeping and eating.  Perhaps I needed that because after we arrived back home this evening I realized that I am beginning to feel better.  I guess I just needed some sleep.  All in all - I think the kids had a good Christmas.  Samantha took time last night to decorate the tree with ornaments Jan and I had which brought out some memories for the kids.  Ammon noticed this.  I don't know if any of the other kids did.  This Christmas was the first Christmas since Jan died that I actually really enjoyed it and was not pulled down by the memories of Jan's passing.  We all miss Jan.  We miss her terribly; however, I know she is happy to see the kids smiling again.  To see me smiling again.  I realize that life gives us experiences that can help us become a better person.  I am thankful fo my kids.  All of them.  I am thankful for both Jan and Samantha.  Both have helped me be a better me.  Merry Christmas everyone.

24 December 2019 (5 years, 4 days after The Day)

Well - Merry Christmas to all.  We are in the midst of getting Christmas setup.  Ammon and I are battling the flu so this makes for a lot of alone time for us both.  Even though it has been a rough time I noticed that this Christmas was much better than past Christmas experiences since Jan died.  I think this is because I am seeing the time and effort put in by Samantha to make it all work.  Our tree is sparse but it is good.  Silly to say but even though it is a rough Christmas it will be good.  Wish this flu would go away though.

20 December 2019 (5 years after The Day)

Today was like a normal day.  I went to work.  I juggled challenges at the house.  I did just normal things.  Claire was quick to remind me today that she was now five.  I love that little girl.  While I am always filled with happiness when I think of her it is days like today that have me sad.  It seems like ages ago that Jan died yet I can recall much of that day with excruciating detail.  I suppose that is the way it will always be.  A happy and sad day.  It doesn't help that I am fighting a head cold so I am just ready for bed.  I wrote a note to Jan on Facebook and wished her a happy birthday.  Tomorrow we will celebrate Claire's birthday since today's activities after work interfered with everyone being able to join together.  Until tomorrow -

03 November 2019 (4 years, 10 months, and 15 days after The Day)

Samantha has been listening to a few different widow podcasts.  I have found I absolutely relate to them.  When your spouse dies you do not "recover" but rather make this change a new normal.  I have gone back and forth between writing in this blog and not.  I think my distance from it has helped me to figure out more of me.  The challenge in this is I feel distant from my past life.  It is, in a way, a dream.  I know I have probably mentioned this in the past but Jan and I were married for 15 years before she passed.  I don't know how that time can feel as a dream but it does to me.  I feel that is the struggle I have.  I want to move forward so much so I don't have to feel any pain yet there is a cost to progression.  At least, for me there is.

Blending families brings challenges and Samantha and I parent our own kids.  I have heard other blended families doing the same thing.  I get frustrated sometimes because I don't know the best thing to do at times and my kids know this.  Samantha keeps her distance because it makes the situation complicated and it is times like this that I wish I could just get Jan to chime in and voice her opinion on a given situation.

My second oldest stepson and my oldest daughter are applying to universities.  They are both in their senior year and classes are winding down.  It is a big deal and is making them stretch in their preparations.  Not only are they striving to do their best on ACT tests and the applications they are submitting but they are also striving to get scholarships to help offset the cost.  I know they feel a tremendous burden to do their best and this last week I felt I was able to give them some pointers on ways of communicating in writing.  I don't know if I do this perfect on this blog, but writing for me has been healing.  So - with some pointers applied they clicked the submit button and now the waiting game begins.  Both have been accepted at a handful of schools already but they are both waiting for answers from their first picks.  It is hard for me to believe that Emma who was 13 at the time Jan passed is going to college next year.  Time really is a respecter of nobody.

I have written and removed entire sections to this posting.  Many have updates on me personally and I don't know how much that matters in this blog.  Perhaps I will just jot down a few things and not drone on about it.  I went to a local thrift store this week and picked up some filing cabinets for my office.  I am excited to get my office a bit more organized.  While I am not a paper person I do end up dealing with it and until now didn't have a place for it.  Samantha has helped me to be less cluttered in my work environment and these cabinets will help a ton.  I have also been considering additional formal school.  I have considered this for a long time now but it has been on my mind recently.  I lucked out and was able to get a mentor to help me in my field of work.  I went to a technology conference hosted locally here in SLC and walked away with a potential mentor.  After a meeting online discussing challenges and opportunities to improve I was able to get some real guidance on how to do things better.  I feel humbled that this person is giving me the time of day.

So - that is it for now, my friends.  I wish you all a very happy evening.

11 Aug 2019 (4 years, 7 months, and 23 days after The Day)

This weekend I took Claire, Ammon, Madilyn, and Emma and we drove North to Idaho Falls, ID to visit Jan's mom and celebrate her 90th birthday.  It was a quick trip up on Friday and then back on Saturday.  It was good to see her.  We don't get to visit much since she lives in Idaho but it was good to have a quick visit.   We stayed overnight in a hotel that had a pool and the kiddos and I went swimming Saturday morning.  After we saw Jan's mom we headed back home.  We stopped in Pocatello ID at a Jack in the Box and picked up some tacos.  Perhaps it is the memories of college but both Samantha and I like their tacos.  They don't have a Jack in the box in northern UT so I just walked in and said I wanted 20 tacos.  I exited a few minutes later with two bags of tacos determined to get them home without eating them.  Emma needed some driving experience on the highway so I said a prayer and let her drive the entire way home.  I was impressed.  She has come a long way.

Today was somewhat quiet.  We went to church, I took a nap when I got home, we ate dinner as a family, and I wrote a letter to Dylan who is serving as a missionary in Florida.  It was all fairly low key.  This evening I looked out my window to see our neighbors just spending time outside.  We have a lot of neighbors that spend a fair amount of time outside.  The summers here in UT are much cooler in the evening than it is in TX.

Speaking of TX... I am preparing for a BBQ at the end of the month.  It should be good.  I tried my first attempt at making burnt ends and man were they good.  I saw a recipe for Texas Twinkies which is a standard jalapeños wrapped in bacon and stuffed with cream cheese wrapped in bacon but with a BBQ twist... they also have brisket stuffed inside.  I'll give it a shot.

On some sad news - we had to relocate our dog, Maggie.  She was a ball of furry hair and while my attempts at keeping the hair under control it didn't help much that she was peeing every time we caught her some place that she shouldn't be.  Our neighbors down the road took her and I feel like their fenced yard is much more conducive to a dog than our new home that doesn't have a fence.  It has been a very rough time for me to acclimate to her being gone.  I miss her still.  I do get to see her on occasion and that is good.

Until later -  

29 Jul 2019 (4 years, 7 months, 10 days after The Day)

Today was the beginning of another trouble-shooting day as this year-long project comes to an end.  This project has entered the post go-live support and so far is behaving like other projects.  (i.e. There are lots of odd things that disrupt business all coming from different angles.)  We are getting things addressed but it is busy.

Last night I played charades with the kids.  It was seriously fun.  I laughed to tears during so many parts.  The kids got me up there and I did my best to get them to guess what one had suggested.  It had everyone laughing.  From Ferris Bueller's Day Off to Rocky - I had lots of attempts at getting people to guess.  I love my family.

Last night Samantha and I sat on the porch and talked.  It was good to connect again.  This new house is in a neighborhood filled with kids riding bikes and yelling up and down the street.  While I am excited to have neighbor's kids who can play with my kids I miss the serene feeling we had in our backyard of our old home.  I now feel like I'm turning into the crotchety old man screaming "GET OFF MY LAWN!"  With my IT resources I have contemplated using this to ward off screaming children outside my home.  Motion sensor sprinklers are oh so tempting.

My sister called me over the weekend with an issue with a new trimmer she is using on her lawn.  She was having difficulty loading twine.  I talked her through it but I was so besides myself with the way the new Echo trimmers load string.  I've had my trimmer since 1992 and that trimmer just works.  I can load a huge amount of twine but apparently on these new ones you cannot.  It is really really odd.  

Until later -

27 Jul 2019 (4 years, 7 months, 8 days after The Day)

Today I my team at work is completing a year-long project.  It is good to see it come to an end.  My family and I decided to move to a different home.  It has been a long time coming but we finally got into a home that works for us.  Blending a family has its challenges but sleeping arrangements complicate what would be simple otherwise.  So - in summary this last 12 months has been very very busy both at work and at home.  Is it just me but after I go through a massive change I just feel absolutely mentally exhausted.  I have felt at the edge of tears as I have juggled these various things and I am sure Samantha has as well.

We have a dog now - this dog likes to get dirty in the mud.  She really enjoys it.  She also eats everything.  Since we moved into this new home we don't have a fence yet and have had to resort to a very long wire mounted to a stake in the yard to keep her tethered and not wandering off.  She has lots of room to move and unfortunately I cannot prevent her from jumping into mud puddles.  I had to bathe her yesterday and I swear I got about a few pounds of dirt off of her.  And... Why it the heck to wet dogs stink so bad?  Man... I had to just tell everyone ahead of time that she was just given a bath.

I also saved up and purchased a no-name robot vacuum to help with the dog hair.  Holy cow this dog sheds.  We have to vacuum multiple times a day.  We purchased this thing to help out.  The first time it ran it ran for an hour and plugged the bag.  So - there we have it.  Too bad dog fur doesn't have much of a use other than making people's allergies go nuts.

I am tired.  I feel like every entry of this blog could have started with that as the first line.

Until later -    

15 Jul 2019 (4 years, 6 months, 26 days after The Day)

So - today was a lot of juggling at work with a rather big project.  My team and I were able to make some headway in a project that seems to be never-ending.  After work ended I found myself sifting through cabinets in the kitchen determining what pans we don't use.  It is one of those "spring cleaning" moments I suppose.  I found it interesting that pans or utensils in the kitchen could bring back memories.  Jan and I got some salad serving stuff I think by accident for our wedding and it is the kind of stuff you never really use because it is too nice.  Anyway I found myself just looking at these silly serving spoons.

After dinner I decided to pack my chainsaw in the pickup I borrowed from my father-in-law and head over to one of their friends homes to take down 4 fruit trees.  After felling and limbing the first dry apricot tree I turned off the saw to adjust the tension on the chain and guess what??  I couldn't get the darn thing started again.  It is a bit frustrating because it is a newer saw and I have not even put a full gallon of gas through it.  I will take it back to the store tomorrow to get insights on what I need to do. Madilyn and Ammon helped take all the wood I cut back to the truck.  We drove back to the house and unloaded the wood and called it a day.

I find that outdoor activities like mowing grass, cutting wood, working on vehicles, etc. seem to help me detox a bit from the monotony of the daily routine.  Here by the Rocky Mountains I find it is just peaceful to sit outside and look at the mountains.  Growing up in Houston never afforded anyone there to have any mountainous view; however, it was thunderstorms that brought me peace.  I think I have heard thunder maybe 3 times in the few years I have moved away from Texas.  Weird eh?

Tonight is a quiet(ish) night with two of the teens working and Madilyn at a friends home.  We tried to FaceTime Grandma and caught her in the store.  It has been some time since we talked with her.  She will call when she gets back home.  Tonight's entry is a little dry -

14 Jul 2019 (4 years, 6 months, 25 days after The Day)

I watched the movie The Other Side of Heaven.  It is good.  It reminded me of my time serving people in California.  Service of others is how one changes inside.  I learned that then and I was reminded of that when Jan died.  Tonight, Claire wanted a story after Samantha put her in bed.  Samantha asked that I pop in and give her a kiss goodnight.  I walked into her dark room and leaned down to give her a hug and a kiss.  I pulled the covers up tight and tucked her in like a burrito.  She was laughing.  She wiggled free and threw her arms around me and said "I love you, Daddy.  Can you  read me story of the monkey?"  I got the Curious George book that has a collection of tales and she picked a story.  I read her the story and then gave her a kiss.  She asked "Daddy, can you nuggle me?"  (snuggle).  I just hugged her and wept.  I don't know why.  I just felt like this little kid is just so sweet and innocent.  I felt so privileged to be her father.   She was concerned that I was crying and wanted to comfort me.  I felt silly for being weepy but for some reason I was.

A few days ago Samantha and I talked about how it would be a good idea to talk to the kids about finances.  Many are working for extra cash and we wanted them to ensure they were all on the same page with what is expected financially of them after high school.  Today at dinner, Samantha and I spoke to the kids about the importance of financial independence and how it was important to save and discipline yourself today for unexpected bad weather in the future.  We tried to paint the picture of how life gets tougher when you get in college, then get married, then have kids, all the while working to make ends meet.  It is helpful when you have the opportunity to learn the hard lesson of financial discipline when you are young and still living at home.  We encouraged them to save 50%, pay 10% in a tithe, and keep 40% for spendable cash.  Disciplining yourself now is always easier than having to make a decision later on what you really believe when times get tough.

I'm struggling when talking with our youth that are teens.  They have partially progressed from dependence to independence.  They want to be independent but still have some growing to do.  I find correcting these youth has to be done with care.  At times I feel I approach these problems as tactfully as a brain surgeon and at other times I feel like a bull in a china shop.  I just want my children to grow empowered to be their very best - to be good people who serve others.  I may suck as a dad but I am trying.  Sometimes I feel that just isn't good enough.  I suppose every parent feels this way at times.

      

12 May 2019 ( 4 years, 4 months, 23 days after The Day)

Happy Mother's Day

I have had a lot of influence of females in my life.  Outside of the biggest influence of my own mother I have had wives, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, mother-in-laws, step-mothers, and sister-in-laws that all drive home the point of how important the female influence is.

I am constantly amazed at the grace that Samantha has when dealing with challenges introduced by our kids.  Regardless if the issue is with her kids or my own - she handles things with patience that is awe inspiring.  I have seen many mothers do this and I am always amazed at their level of composure during times of stress.  Times like this have me reflect upon my own childhood and I wonder how much stress I brought my mom.  I'm sure I introduced my fair share.  My older sister Marie and I would fight all the time growing up.  I think we genuinely enjoyed each others company but on top of that we really really enjoyed annoying each other.  I am sure I gave my mom a few grey hairs.  I appreciate her patience as I always knew she cared for me.

Jan was no different.  She was there for the kids.  She played with them.  She comforted them.  She taught them.  She loved them and they loved her.  I think on discussions I recall having with both Jan and Samantha.  Both being so hard on themselves.  Both feeling they could and should be better.  I think this must be normal as I also have a hard time receiving compliments.  I wrote a note to Samantha for Mother's day.  I decided when Jan died to write more.  I have very little written by Jan to me so I just wanted to write something heartfelt to Samantha.  I hope all the Mothers out in the world realize they are more than a human napkin and under-appreciated CEO of the family.  They have influence beyond what they realize.

Happy Mother's Day

14 February 2019 ( 4 years, 1 month and 25 days after The Day)

Happy Valentines Day!  So - I do now what I vowed to do after Jan died.  I write something heartfelt. Is it bad to skip the flowers and card and just have a card that is really heartfelt?  I hope not because that is what I did!

The dog is funny.  Maggie slept a lot when we first got her.  Now she explores some and we find her walking around with stuff in her mouth.  It may be my Bigfoot fuzzy slipper, Claire's PJs, or perhaps a toy.  She eats everything and loves being outside.  She has a cute personality.  She is really chewing on anything she can get her teeth on and that scares Claire so she and the dog have an interesting relationship.  The dog follows her everywhere and she runs to get away from the dog which causes the dog to run too.  I am working with Claire to overcome her fear of the dog and to help enforce positive behavior and correct negative behavior.  Today I snapped a photo of her just sleeping under my chair.  I think she was cuddling with the chair.  In this pic she was really asleep.

The kids are all home except for Dylan who is at a track meet in Idaho.  Today has been a good day.  I reflected on my life when I was writing the card to Samantha today and even though my life has had some trials I do believe things are good now and I am thankful for Samantha and all she brings into my life. 

We have some friends and their son has a lot of medical problems.  They have juggled the "right' choice as the medical problems require some seriously skilled and knowledgeable doctors.  The two hospitals in the nation are either in Houston or a doctor in SLC that has been with them from the beginning.  I think they are going to split time between both.  I share this because as they strive to make the best decision I am reminded that sometimes the decision you make may not matter in the grand scheme.  The mother shared a recent family photo of all smiles.  She later shared how she felt like she was barely hanging on and the photo wasn't really reflective of the feelings she was processing.  I suppose we all relate to real life.  Sometimes it just sucks and we put on a smile anyway.  I admire those who persevere through life's challenges.  I believe they all have the potential to help us be better than we believe we could be.

Until later - 

03 February 2019 ( 4 years, 1 month and 14 days after The Day)

So there are two things -

1.) I was made aware that Google may be getting rid of any content I have posted with my google plus account (i.e. this blog) so I am trying to back it up as needed and determine if that is truly the case.

2.) We got a dog.  It is a golden retriever and is an English cream color.  She is so sweet.  Her name is Maggie

She is like Claire - she has the magic touch of bringing the entire family together.  She is asleep in our room.  We will see how long she sleeps.  :-)  

I am tired.  Tomorrow is a busy day at work.  I think Maggie will keep me company for years to come.  

 

29 January 2019 ( 4 years, 1 month and 9 days after The Day)

Today I relived a bit of sadness from my past.  I have a friend of mine who's husband has terminal cancer and they decided to stop fighting it and put him on hospice care.  They have two kids and during this trial she was expecting her third.  To make things more difficult her baby has died before childbirth leaving her to bury two family members in the near future.  I think we all feel a bit of pain when we know of someone who is going through such hard times.  It is something that we grow from but I think we all wish for a magic wand to help them out.  I think it is only after going through such hard times that we reflect on the positive effects that pain had on our lives.  As much as I hate losing Jan and going through that hell I have to agree that the pain and anguish has made me a different person.  A better person.  It is a steep price to pay for that growth and is a shame if it is not used to help others.  I think we all have something to share.  We all have something we can do to help others.

24 January 2019 (4 years, 1 month, 5 days after The Day)

So - phones.  New phones.  This is the news.  Some kids seem to be prone to breaking things.  There are a couple in our family that will generally break any technology faster than the others.  Anyway - we were planning on moving our mobile phones to consolidate our phone plans but one of the kiddos shut their phone in the door of the car prompting the need to replace a phone.  We just were not planning on the expense.  ug.

I was comforting Madilyn tonight.  She was missing Jan.  Sometimes the grief just shows up when we least expect it.  We talked a bit and we just hugged.  I feel bad when my kids feel pain.  :-(

For whatever reason I feel the last few days in our home have been going more positive with the blending of our kids.  I don't know what caused the change but so far I think my interaction with my step kids the children's interaction with each other just seems to be better.  That is so encouraging.

There were a bunch of break-ins the other day around our neighborhood.  All of it was centered around cars being broken into.  It is unfortunate but it is a reality that sometimes we forget about.

I've spent a few days this week shoveling snow.  It is so tiring ... especially when it is wet snow (i.e. slushy at the bottom).  So - most of the snow melted and that is making things easier outside.  I do have challenges with people using ATVs with a plow though.  A neighborhood kid was helping my neighbor across the street and he was pushing all the snow down their driveway (long driveway) directly in front of my home.  This wasn't a small amount either.  I stopped him when the pile was 3.5 feet high and asked him to move it since it interfered with putting out trash cans and parking vehicles.  I catch myself when I'm talking to people and I sound like a grouchy old man.  I need to learn to smile when I am talking to people so I don't come across that way.  Well - the good news is I seem to have plenty of opportunities to practice this.

Until later -  

18 January 2019 (4 years and 30 days after The Day)

So - yes there has been a bit of a delay from my last entry to today.  I think mainly because I am mentally processing a lot and have struggled on what to include in this blog.  I think I have struggled with how life has turned out.  That phrase is not what you may be thinking.  I was talking to Samantha earlier today and I have just struggled with the realities of how the youth in my home treat adults.  I think I had some idealistic view point that wasn't reality.  I get that kids grow up and seek for independence and want to go and do but I have just really been hit hard with how the lack of gratitude is just so pervasive in their attitudes and demeanors.  I think this is a result of two things -

1.) my tolerance of poor behavior
2.) my children being children

I know I am not a perfect parent and am far from it.  I know it is difficult for everyone to look at their own weaknesses.  Some people gossip, some people are prideful, some boast, etc.  For me I feel I snap at my kids.  My level of tolerance evaporates as I immediately skip to the end and share my thoughts leaving my kids feeling unheard.  "You don't listen" is a common phrase I have heard so I am taking a step back and learning how to parent again.  I feel like I am in parenting 101 now that my children are in their teen years.  I feel like everything I have learned over the past years is not much use when talking to a person who already believes they understand things.

On that note - I have more gray hair coming in.  I feel I have earned every one.

12 January 2019 (4 years and 24 days after The Day)

Today was spent doing chores and going to Costco.  What an entry.

I walked around our block today which took a lot longer than anticipated as I ran into some of my neighbors and started talking.  Seriously - this is a lame entry.

I did get a chance to talk with my sister for a bit on the phone and that was nice.  The older kids (Dylan and Emma) were on Choir trip all day and Alex was gone most of the day.  He had some activities in the morning and then ended up accidentally locking his keys in the car.  I swear - for a day that we didn't do much I am tired.

Samantha and I are still talking about a dog.

11 January 2019 (4 years and 23 days after The Day)

So today I ended up fixing a ton of issues at work.  I mean a ton.  I know sometimes Fridays are like just wishing the weekend would come but for me I ended up getting one thing done after another.  By the time I looked at the clock it was nearly 6pm (7pm central).  I generally start work at 7am (8am central) so suffice it to say I was a bit shocked at the time.

I ended up going to the gym and it was our last day.  (our membership expired).  I am not trying to boast but rather document this.  I am so proud of myself.  In the last year I dropped over 30 lbs.  I have maintained that for a few months now.  Yesterday I told Samantha I wanted to get our moneys worth so I decided to do an arm and leg day (dumb idea).  I did the following:

On the leg press: 10 reps @ 385 then 20 reps @ 445
On the bench press: 20 reps @ 165
On the butterfly press: 30 reps @ 160
On the pulldown: 30 reps of 120
On the pushdown: 30 reps of 140
Then I did the cycle for 20 min.

Yes- my legs are strong but my knees are weak.  I try to do the same exercise I had to do in physical therapy when I tore my meniscus all those months ago.  Going from a leg press of 25 lbs to 445 is pretty good progress in my book.   I used to do more when I was a kid so while it sounds impressive... I'm still working up to what I could do in my 20s.

Ok - enough of the logging of personal stats... this is just for my reference but then again - so is this silly blog.  hahaha.

I ended up playing Minecraft when I got home.  I'm not a "gamer" so this was just an adult trying to figure out video games that my kids play.  I don't know how to do anything but dig so the kids taught me a few things on how to make tools and I ended up digging to an underground cavern with a lava lake.  I was like wow!... that is cool.  I can see how kids want to keep playing this stuff.  So I looked at the clock - 11:35pm.  I'm off to bed.

10 January 2019 (4 years and 22 days after The Day)

Well - I wrote a bit and realized that it is taking this blog in a different direction so I erased what I wrote.  Samantha shared a podcast with me today and I have to admit that I found it very interesting.  It is about real stories of tragic events in people's lives and how they handled them.  It made me realize that while we all have tragic events in our lives we are equally interested in hearing of these events from others.  Well - perhaps that is just me.  I found this podcast very interesting as I listened to the commentary of the person describing what happened and then hearing commentary of a counselor on how to deal with it.  I think for once in my life it was validating that I am not the only one with issues.  Ha!

Well - my neighbor has had computer issues for a while and I have meant to go by and help her so earlier this week I went over and did a phase 1 of fixing her machine.  Tonight I went over for phase 2.  I was shocked that it took as long as it did and I realize I must not judge time well.  I was happy to help her on her machine but at the same time I was sad that I missed out with dinner with the family.  That is my one time to get everyone together so we can chat.  I was hoping tonight would be better than yesterday.

I had a good chat with Emma tonight.  She is reading a book called "A Child Called 'It'" and can I just say it is super hard to listen to.  It is about a boy's life growing up with an alcoholic mother that abused him in horrible ways.  My heart breaks for children who are abused.

I had a good conversation with Samantha today.  Sometimes we go a ways between these conversations but today's was good.

Until tomorrow -  

9 January 2019 (4 years and 21 days after The Day)

Today was one of those days that went well until dinner.  Then everything kind of fell apart and I feel to blame.  So - yay for me.  I went to the gym later on to get rid of some stress and that helped some.  I'm back at home and just tired and frustrated.  Oh well.  Sometimes life is just tough.

8 January 2019 (4 years and 20 days after The Day)

So today at work I feel I have tapped into something that is really interesting.  Today it made my day fly by so quickly.  I was battling nausea a lot of the day for some reason but the stuff I was doing at work was and is so cool.  It deals with robotic process automation (RPA).  In normal terms it allows a computer to use normal human interfaces (i.e. applications and websites) to do commands that are automated.  So - if you have some process in system 1 then have to type in an output of system 1 into system 2 and from 2 to 3 and so on this RPA tool makes this drudgery of work automated.  There are so many ways this can help companies to do more with the employees they have.  I'm excited about it.  The potential is huge.

Claire was really cute today.  She is stringing more words together to make sentences and she will engage you in conversation and is persistent that you understand her.  She is so cute.  We learn new words every day as she stumbles around how to say something.  When she is tired of trying to explain she will put her hand out and say "Come.  I show you."  Her phrases are simple but so sweet.  She makes me smile.  She just is a happy child and I just love her so much.

Well - there is more on the agenda tomorrow.  Good to Great.  That is what I am focused on.  I want to be better tomorrow than I am today.

 

7 January 2019 (4 years and 19 days after The Day)

So before and after a productive day at work I shoveled snow.  Lots and lots of snow.  I put salt on the driveway and used a linoleum scraper to scrape ice off the driveway.  It is extremely effective.  When I moved here from Texas I didn't have much in the order of snow removal tools except for this scraper that was extremely useful in Arlington when the snow and ice came.  I used this in UT and at first people looked at me like I was just weird but after I was scraping the concrete clean I have seen people have envious looks.  The thing that is humorous is the scraper looks homemade.

I am appreciating clean streets.  I am appreciative of kids that try their best and while they make mistakes and can be at times annoying they are good kids.  I love them.  I am appreciative of a wife that helps keep the chaos in order at our home.  The amount of things she juggles is staggering and I am thankful for her.

Well - we got the kids car into the driveway so if the plow comes by he can scrape that section of the road.  I had to dig out places for the trash cans to go.  It was tiring.  I'm off to bed.

 

6 January 2019 (4 years and 18 days after The Day)

Today was a new church schedule.  Generally we would go for three hours which were broken into three parts but today it was two hours broken into two parts.  The snow started really falling at church and I was slipping everywhere getting back to the car after church concluded.  On our way home we lost all traction going up our street and both Samantha and Dylan (the only others in the car besides Claire) helped push the car a bit to get some traction.  That added about 15 min to the drive home.

We grabbed a bite to eat at the house and then Samantha and Dylan had to run an errand.  I watched on my phone how they kept having to try different routes because the snow was so bad.  When they were heading back to the house I saw they were stuck at the bottom of the road again so I headed down the street to help them.  It was pointless.  The tires had no traction.  It was a thick wet snow so Samantha parked the car at the bottom of the hill and we were going to walk up.  Our neighbor at the bottom of the hill volunteered to hook a tow rope to the front of our car and he pulled her up the hill using his 4x4 pickup.  We then had to push like mad to get the car into the driveway.  I tell you - the snow was just horrible.  The plows were not running all day so the snow was thick.  Samantha, Dylan, and I cleared the driveway and then Dylan and I helped the neighbors with their driveways.  About that time the plow came down the road three different times.  Every time he made a bigger dent and spread more rocks/sand on the road.  The third time he came so very close to clipping the kids car that was parked on the road.  I was sweating bullets as he moved the plow blade just in the nick of time.  So - for those that don't know the plow is a dump truck with a huge plow blade on the front.  The one today was filled with sand/rocks and had a spreader on the back.  They look something like this -

If the snow is falling like this tomorrow I think Samantha will take the kids to school.  By the time we were done we headed in and Samantha was making homemade pizza.  I took a moment to discuss a few scriptures from the book of Matthew in the New Testament.  It was a good discussion.  We considered how Joseph acted knowing Mary was pregnant and how Mary must have felt about Joseph given his actions towards her.  It was a good discussion.

Madilyn had to go to choir practice and after the plows ran Samantha had no problem navigating the roads to get her there and back.  After a FaceTime call to my mom with Claire we all had some caramel popcorn and watched a movie together (well... 1/2 of one).  And with that - we are all off to bed.

More tomorrow.

5 January 2019 (4 years and 17 days after The Day)

Well - for a Saturday things seemed pretty relaxed.  Samantha ran a ton of errands and I cleaned the house.  The kids slept until noon and then wandered into the kitchen.  It was a very lazy day.  The washing machine has been running nonstop but outside of that it has been low-key.  I have things happen in life and wonder at times what to write about and what to not write about.  Sometimes my being cautious makes for bland entries.  So - today is a bland entry.

The one thing that I have been pondering is the book by Jim Collins - Good to Great.  In that book he states that good is the enemy of great because when things are good they are generally "good enough" and I have thought on this for many years.  I think this is profound for me because I wonder what in my life is "good enough" that I don't go for great.  I feel so blessed in many aspects of my life but there are areas I think I could improve.  I think I am "good enough" as a husband, father, brother, and uncle but I really think I could be better.  I think I am "good enough" at work but I do think I could be better.  Get my point?  I think oftentimes we don't stretch ourselves and settle for good enough.  When I think what I would have to do to be great it generally highlights things I know I should be doing anyway but I don't because perhaps I lack motivation.  I think this topic has been on my mind more and more as I strive to be my best -

More tomorrow -

4 January 2019 (4 years and 16 days after The Day)

So today went blistering fast for me.  There was a lot of activity at work and I had a bit to juggle at home as well.  I feel bad for my kids and their age differences as there are age appropriate activities that the younger ones want to do (i.e. they want to stay out later like the older kids).  They are all off to bed and I am tired of being the bad guy explaining what age appropriate means.  I am also a bit frustrated that the kids have trouble just saying 'ok' when asked to do something.  Instead of an 'ok' they give rationale of why they are doing what they are doing and all I am interested in hearing is 'ok' when I ask them to do something.

So - I guess I needed to be on a soap box tonight.  My apologies.

Claire is just from God.  I'm telling you she is the sweetest child.  She just comes up to me and says 'Dad, I hold you' at which point she puts her arms up.  I pick her up and she has me wrapped around her finger.  She has the cutest sayings.  I need to write them all down before she stops saying them.

I relived a bit of my feelings about Jan's passing as it related to Ammon today and I feel physically tired.  It is weird how that memory feels like a vacuum to my energy.

More tomorrow -

3 January 2019 (4 years and 15 days after The Day)

So - it is the new year.  My apologies for not writing over the last few days.  Yesterday was the first day for me to go back to work and it was like a punch in the gut.  I never realized how much the time away from work meant.  So - after a full day of playing catch-up I went to the gym.  I don't know if it was the time away from the gym or the difficulty of getting back into the swing of things at work but the workout was good.  Today started like any other.  I got to work and started plugging away where I left off yesterday.  After getting a few things crossed off my list it was lunch time.  Samantha met me in the kitchen and she and I had some leftovers.  We talked about the kids and somehow the topic of Claire came up and how Claire may view Samantha when she is older.  This discussion ended up around Claire's traumatic birth and I ended up sharing some of my most painful internalizations that I have not shared with anyone regarding my feelings at the time everything was transpiring.  Suffice it to say I went from functioning to non functioning very quickly.  After the conversation Samantha headed to pick up Claire from preschool and I picked up my laptop and started writing.  I think this writing for me is therapeutic.  So - thank you blogger.com for allowing me to receive some therapy and for those that read this silly thing - I hope there is something positive you get from it.

More later -  

So - I am just very thankful for Samantha.  She really is Wonder Woman.  She is so kind and loving she juggles a ton and is there for the kids.  I don't know how I lucked out.  I think of how she handled situations and how differently I would have.  She has such kindness.  I am grateful for her.  She really helps me to be a better me.  I am so thankful for that.

Until tomorrow-