31 July 2015 (223 days after The Day)

Today I reflected on Jan's journals.  She has many that sit beside her side of the bed.  As I thumbed through them I just realized how much Jan worked on self improvement.  I realized how positive of an example she left for her kids and me.  I just am thankful for the time I had with her.  In a way I feel like she was an advanced class I took only she had all the answers... Now that she is gone I have to do it alone... or at least if feels alone.  I realize how much she had worked through and how many tough questions she had already answered.  She really was being true to herself by living and breathing truth.  I am proud of her.

30 July 2015 (222 days after The Day)

So today I talked with my kids about the role of Jan.  She was mom.  Mom has two roles... 1.)  The person and 2.) the responsibility.  My kids combined these mentally to say "mom".  I got into a conversation with my kids about how when mom left that only represented the person.  The responsibility still fell to me and grandma.  I fully believe that one day I will remarry and while that person will be taking on the responsibility of mom... they won't replace Jan the person.  I don't think I will ever stop missing and loving my sweet Jan.  It is hard for some to understand this and all I can say is imagine you lost a leg or arm... would you ever stop missing it?  I don't think you would.

29 July 2015 (221 days after The Day)

Today I realized with all the day-to-day I have neglected 1 on 1 time with my kids.  My life has been so hectic since Jan died that all the one on one time I had has been replaced with errands.  I will be working on my schedule to ensure I have time with each of them.  After all - they too are going through a change and being close to me is important for both of us.  I love them each so much and am grateful to have them in my life.  I am sad that Jan gave her life for Claire but that should give weight to the decision to ensure she is a priority in my life.

28 July 2015 (220 days after The Day)

So one of my fears was realized today.  I found out that Ammon is forgetting about Jan.  I just feel horrible.

My day was filled with busy work.  Work that helped me stay mentally occupied.  I have so much desire to get my life in order.  To clean up and clean out my home.  To help make a positive reality for my kids.  To help set a good foundation for our future - whatever that future holds.


When I put Claire to sleep tonight she was such a cuddly kid.  She just wanted to snuggle with me for a while before closing her eyes.  I just received so much healing from that.

27 July 2015 (219 days after The Day)

I spent time today thinking about what it means to be ok with the new normal.  Time marches on.  So... if time marches on... when is grieving over?  I don't think it will ever be over.  I will always miss Jan.  I will always feel the void of her departure.  I think the beyond of this life is more than what we know ... I think all relationships matter for the eternities.  So if relationships matter - perhaps moving forward is a way to pay tribute to our loved ones.  I don't think our loved ones want us stuck in the year they left.

26 July 2015 (218 days after The Day)

So I spent time thinking on how I interpret life... through the eyes of grief.. or not.  Grief can be so difficult.  Is it bad to stare at the black abyss of grief and want to process it all - as fast as possible?  I think not.  Jan loves me.  I love Jan.  There is more to life than being paralyzed by pain.  I honestly believe Jan wants me to really smile and be happy again. 

25 July 2015 (217 days after The Day)

I spent some time with a friend today and found my smile.  I never realized how healing smiling would be.  Taking time for oneself I have found to be invaluable.  I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for so long that I never realized I had very little to give back.  A recharge of sorts has occurred.  I feel a great desire to keep the batteries recharged so to speak.  New energy... new life has given me a paradigm shift of sorts.  Smiling can be so healing.      

24 July 2015 (216 days after The Day)

Today I smiled.  I was able to talk to someone who lost their wife.  Someone who later remarried a widow and who has blended their families.  It was a good conversation.  As I have decided to embrace grief and heal as quickly as possible I am striving to learn as much as I can from those who have walked this path.

23 July 2015 (215 days after The Day)

So something weird happened today.  I experienced a lot of peace about Jan's passing.  Not the "here is the plan" type of peace... just a peace that regardless of what life has in the future - all will work out.  I believe she is still around helping me and the kids out... inspiring us in a way to do good.  Sometimes I feel her close by.... other times not at all.  I know Jan wants us all to live joy-filled lives.  As I have said before - often the hardest part is giving yourself permission.   

22 July 2015 (214 days after The Day)

So I enjoy doing some family history.  I enjoy looking at finding and looking at my lineage.  I find it fascinating.  I was doing some research and realized that my wife was still listed as living.  The site I use is controlled by a larger company and updates flow automatically from reported deaths.  Anyway, I figured it would be updated automatically... and it wasn't.  I just got thrown back to before all of this happened.  It was difficult then and still difficult now.  I just recall having the discussion with Jan when she was dressed in the funeral home.  I talked to her about how this isn't the way it is supposed to happen.  I recall it as if I was there yesterday.  Raw feelings.  Raw pain.  Memories are amazing that they can trigger so many different emotions... emotions you may have thought to be managed.

21 July 2015 (213 days after The Day)

So every day there seems to be a single step toward normalcy.  Today Emma worked to purge Ammon's room of toys for me.  Then she relocated Claire's bed there.  This was a huge step for me.  I have my bedroom back.  I am able to start cleaning it up.  Lots of items on Jan's dresser remain as she left them.  I have not had the energy to go through them.  I also still have gobs of cards I received that I still need to go through.  Even though there is a lot to do... I feel today there was a massive step toward healing.  All of my healing is one step at a time.  Much like climbing stairs or a ladder.  You just don't realize how far you have come until you look back.  Looking back is painful.  I am acknowledging I have come a long way... I want to continue to heal.

20 July 2015 (212 days after The Day)

So - today my knee is better but stiff a little.  My calf has been burning today.  By the end of the day I can walk without much of a limp.  This is good progress.

I am so thankful for my children and how good they are to each other and to me.  I just am fortunate to have such loving kids.  I have learned much from their example  I find it interesting how children can teach adults sometimes more profoundly than the other way around. 

I think if Jan were to walk into our home she would scream with how messy things have gotten but you know... cleaning up right now isn't a priority.  My children smiling is a priority.  I am making headway in the home getting it back to normal.  This is 7 months so far.  In seven months I feel I have made significant progress in healing.  Much has come from my desire to heal regardless of the pain involved.  I hope Jan can look at how we have healed and progressed with a smile.

19 July 2015 (211 days after The Day)

So today I hobbled to church.  I have found that I can walk ok but I cannot twist in any way.  This has led to me being very guarded in my walking.  I have found that I can walk but I cannot lock my leg without major pain.  So I walk with my knee always bent a little.  I ordered a brace for my knee.  Getting old sucks.  I was told by a physician once that I would need new knees one day.  I just didn't think I would start experiencing this at my age.

The kids have struggled a bit today with Jan.  It has been a daily reminder at times.  I feel I can now be a help to them. 

18 July 2015 (210 days after The Day)

So this post is a day late.  I am battling an injury sustained while taking Ammon to get his hair cut.  I lost my balance and my knee went "pop" and now I have a hard time walking on it.  So... this is occupying all my thoughts.   Lots of pain.

17 July 2015 (209 days after The Day)

So I learned something.  Claire does not like to travel.  She is OK in a car seat but not for extended periods.  My other kids entertained her and that was very helpful.  She is exhausted and ate and is sleeping.  You can tell  - she is glad to be back home.  I think we all are. 

I had a very good lunch with Tom whom I have not seen since the funeral.  This year has flown by and it was so good to visit with him.  We have a busy weekend ahead and the grief I have felt has entered a new stage.  I have seen lots that wear a cloak of grief as an identity.  Perhaps it is common to think that after a loved one dies their spouse should remain in grief the reminder of their days and by not doing so will be a disservice to their loved one's memory.  I will always miss Jan.  I cherish our time together and while I am extremely pained with her departure - I have thought how I would want her to live if these events were reversed.  I am choosing to live again.  That is the single most difficult decision I think I have ever made.  But who said healing is easy?

16 July 2015 (208 days after The Day)

So Claire is having trouble warming up to people.  She is getting her own little personality.  It is cute.  Below is a pic of my mom holding her.

She is growing like a weed.  I just am amazed how much this little munchkin has changed in 6 months.  I'm amazed at how much I have changed in 6 months.  I just wish Jan could hold this sweet girl.  She is such a joy in my life.

15 July 2015 (207 days after The Day)

Today was filled with meetings.  This was my first full day of meetings since Jan passed.  I interacted with some that I have not seen since Jan passed and they expressed their condolences.  It was both difficult and easy.  In the past I felt completely helpless to my emotions.  A simple question would trigger an avalanche of thoughts and emotions.  Today it was different.  I really miss Jan but I was able to function and talk about it.  I suppose this means I am healing.  Healing to me looks good.  It is hard but I am able to see the benefits.

14 July 2015 (206 days after The Day)

I have found out today just how much comfort Claire has in me.  She was around a bunch of people she didn't know and she really just wanted me to hold her.  I took comfort in that.  I also saw a family picture taken about 2010.  I wept.  Just seeing Jan's smiling face brought back a lot of memories I had forgotten.  So - tonight I am going to sleep a little sad.  I'm sure there are brighter days ahead... just one day at a time.

13 July 2015 (205 days after The Day)

Today I accomplished a milestone at work.  It felt so good to fix what others hadn't.   I came home and just felt angry.  Angry at Jan for leaving.  Angry that I have to live the remainder of my days without her.  Angry that I am angry and spewing venom everywhere.  I just need a quiet place.

12 July 2015 (204 days after The Day)

Well - this sabbath day came and went.  It was quick.  Claire is having trouble sleeping for long periods.  So - tonight we have fed her some food before we gave her milk to help her sleep longer.  She is trying to go to sleep at the moment.  It is times like this that I miss Jan.  I know she and I would tag-team Claire's lack of sleeping.  We would be together as we worked through these challenges.  It is a lonely road.  Don't get me wrong - grandma is helping a ton - it is just different without Jan.

We went by Jan's grave and brought some flowers.  It was good for everyone to go there.  I cannot believe that over 200 days have passed since I last spoke with Jan.  It just seems like a dream at times and at others I feel like I have made progress in my healing and have begun to move forward.  Overall - I think my pain is not as debilitating as it was in the beginning.  It is manageable.

11 July 2015 (203 days after The Day)

So Ammon is really into merpeople.  So - he wanted a merman tail.  It took some research but I got him one and we went swimming.  He loves it.  He can seriously swim with it.  His birthday went well.  He did not have a party but he had a big day.  He earned his purple belt today.  He had to do his form by himself in front of everyone.  There were about 50 people and he did it wonderfully.  He earned best student as well so he went home on cloud nine.

I'm feeling Jan's sweet spirit here and there.  It is nice.  Sometimes it is like she is holding my hand or I feel her hand on my shoulder.  It brings comfort.  Sometimes life is so busy it is hard to feel anything but today I felt like she was around.  I miss her.

10 July 2015 (202 days after The Day)

So today I worked on a problem at work that has plagued me for over a year.  I finally found a solution.  This little breakthrough has given me a bit of happiness....  a bit of relief to some challenges that have been on my back for some time.

Ammon's birthday is tomorrow.  He is also testing for his purple belt.  I have relied on Jan to do these celebrations and I am doing my best in her absence.  My best is so much less than Jan but I am trying.

09 July 2015 (201 days after The Day)

I went bowling with a couple of good friends.  It was the first time I think I have "gone out with the guys" in a few years.  A couple of lessons I learned.  1.)  I suck at bowling.  2.)  Good friends are invaluable. 

I have started a new chapter in my life.  I am still grieving the loss of my best friend and wife and I am trying to start fresh.  This is a tough transition.

08 July 2015 (200 days after The Day)

Well - in a few days it will be Ammon's birthday.  This is the second of the four children's birthdays to come.  I'm not good at birthday celebrations and I am trying to do my best but to say I am stretched out of my comfort zone is an understatement.

In our efforts to declutter the house we have done Madilyn and Emma's room, the living/dining room, and part of the den.  I am planning on getting Ammon's room done next and then to my room.  Once complete I will feel much more relaxed.  I still have mounds of funeral letters I have yet to go through.  I feel I am almost at a place to go through them.

07 July 2015 (199 days after The Day)

Today was a blizzard of activity at work.  I ended up taking my van to the shop and luckily it was fixed the same day.  Lots of activity at work made today's day seem to fly by.  I got home late and didn't really get to spend much time with my kids.  I am so thankful for them and their patience with me.  I know I have been an emotional train wreck and am just now able to start picking up the pieces.  I am amazed at the love children have.  They really are from God.

06 July 2015 (198 days after The Day)

So I have been thinking on how healing and change are inseparable.  I have thought about my wedding ring.  I have thought how I have no desire to remove it because Jan and I were never at odds with each other.  Our marriage was good.  With this being said - I thought about what it means to be left here to figure things out.  What would I want if Jan and I were to switch positions.  So - in a summary statement I took off my ring and pondered how that felt.  In a weird way I felt like that was an end of one chapter.  I still believe Jan and I will be eternally bonded but this life has taken a turn that I need to adjust to.  So, an odd thing happened.  When I left it off, I felt empowered to make decisions.  So I have started to make them. 

05 July 2015 (197 days after The Day)

Today was a tough day.  I think the fact that there are a couple of challenges hitting me.  I love Jan with all my heart.  She died.  I am left to figure things out.  Jan and I had a good marriage and I feel like when I move forward without her I am  being unfaithful to our relationship.  What a struggle.

Claire had a difficult time going to sleep.  I'm glad she finally did.  The house is quiet.  My brain is now starting to process events.  This is a very tough process.

04 July 2015 (196 days after The Day)

It was a quiet day on the 4th.  No real big event.  We did go by Jan's grave and we picked out a design for the headstone.  I was tickled that the cemetary is in earshot of a dragstrip.  I am sure Jan would not be pleased with this but I couldn't have thought of a better place to be buried. 

We heard the fireworks going off in our neighborhood but just really hung out here at the house.  I have thought on how time moves on and how I need to give myself permission to.

03 July 2015 (195 days after The Day)

Well - I took my kids bowling.  It was good to get everyone out.  We all suck.  It was fun.  Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon got multiple balls stuck in the gutter.  The ball was moving that slow.  No joke.  Funny.  Anyway - Arlington, TX did a fireworks show that evening so we stayed up and traveled to a parking lot to watch the show.  I was teary the way back.  It is times like this I just feel so alone.  It was good to get out though.

02 July 2015 (194 days after The Day)

So today there was a moment.  A moment in which I was able to have clear thoughts.  I have thought how Jan would want me to be happy... but I cannot allow that.  I have everything here that reminds me of our 15 years of marriage and 5 previous years of our good friendship.  Today I realized I need to allow myself to let go.  I need to give myself permission.  It is both sad and freeing.  I feel ok with packing up her things.  I feel ok with making the best with whatever the Good Lord has in store.  I feel ok knowing everything will work out.  I will see my Jan again and it is my responsibility to become the best person I can.  It is important for me to not be paralyzed.  I will work on being the best me and who knows how long that will take but I am hopeful that there will be life after such pain.  Life - love - happiness.  To smile and laugh again.  I believe this is what Jan wants for me as it is what I want for Jan.     

01 July 2015 (193 days after The Day)

My mind is swimming in thoughts.  Everyone seems to be over their sicknesses.  My mind is racing.  I am having trouble focusing.  I wonder about the future and what it holds.  I wonder.  How do you plan for the unknown?  How do you focus on the here and now when the future is consuming your thoughts. 

Claire is stirring when I type so I will ring off for the evening.  It is July.  Wow.