02 July 2015 (194 days after The Day)

So today there was a moment.  A moment in which I was able to have clear thoughts.  I have thought how Jan would want me to be happy... but I cannot allow that.  I have everything here that reminds me of our 15 years of marriage and 5 previous years of our good friendship.  Today I realized I need to allow myself to let go.  I need to give myself permission.  It is both sad and freeing.  I feel ok with packing up her things.  I feel ok with making the best with whatever the Good Lord has in store.  I feel ok knowing everything will work out.  I will see my Jan again and it is my responsibility to become the best person I can.  It is important for me to not be paralyzed.  I will work on being the best me and who knows how long that will take but I am hopeful that there will be life after such pain.  Life - love - happiness.  To smile and laugh again.  I believe this is what Jan wants for me as it is what I want for Jan.