So - I have taken to writing in this weekly or as needed it seems. I have had a week filled with meetings. I am so very frustrated with Mayflower/United that I am really beyond words. All of my stuff was loaded. It was underestimated on weight by 4K lbs. This meant a driver would take a loss at delivering it if he took the load and that has resulted in our load being split. We received part of our goods and were told the other part would be arriving shortly. Because they delivered a portion the company feels they are no longer bound to any penalty clause on late deliveries. I have had to haggle with them and it is just overwhelming. Moving 1200 miles is just tough.
Claire has been adjusting to the new surroundings and family fine. She tolerates everyone but still just wants me to hold her. It is sweet but I really do want her to be ok with Samantha. Don't get me wrong - she has opened up to her and is completely content in her arms. If I walk into the room - Claire just wants me.
We went to the "festival of trees" today and I had a real wake-up call to the cost of a family outing. Tickets for 6 adults and 2 children, cash for activities for the kids, a few sweet treats for everyone, and putting a burger in everyone's stomach was a couple of hundred dollars. It was a good outing though. Good memories.
Samantha and I went on a date night and caught a movie that started at 9:30 pm. "The Intern". It was ok. It was good to get out of the house. Over the last few days I have dealt with waves of grief over Jan and have shared this with Samantha. The movie brought more out as well. It seems to be at the end of the day when it is quiet and dark... I lay in bed and my mind goes to all that has occurred over the last few days. Our home in Arlington is officially on the market. I spent about 2500 in getting it cleaned and prepped for sale. Because I am still making the adjustment to living here in UT I still feel like my home in Arlington is ... well... home. It was Jan's home. Selling the house has made me feel sad. Being up here in UT has been very healing. I am able to work and be productive; however, when I lay in bed in the quiet of the night thinking of all that has transpired - I begin to feel the pain of Jan's departure. All the questions come again - Why did she have to die? Why was it so abrupt and left to me and the kids like an unfinished chapter? Why am I left to figure it all out? I have feelings of anger at her departure. I also feel empowered because of her departure to figure things out. She is not here. I must figure it out. My decision to remarry was one of the best decisions I have made. Love heals. Samantha has been so patient with me and my kids and I feel honored to be a father-figure to her kids. I feel like she was sent from heaven in many ways. Our marriage is young and yet because we were both married and lost our spouses before we bring a lot of insight and understanding to the table. We jumped into being mom and dad and I suppose the movie we watched reminded me of two major things - 1.) we need to make time for ourselves and our marriage. 2.) Jan and I failed to do this well. It is one part of our marriage I wish I did better.
After another wave of grief I retired for the night desiring to be the best husband and father I can be. Indeed - life gives you lots of good wisdom. I was talking with my boss at work. He was meeting with his boss and he asked if there was anything learned that should be passed up the chain.... I reflected that over the past year I have learned one thing - Wisdom is not pain free. So - as my tears soak my pillow I reflect on my life - It has been filled with joy, pain, love, trials, heartache and adventures and I am only 38. I am thankful and grateful for all I have lived to experience. I am thankful for Samantha and the love we have for each other.
