Well - I suppose it is fitting for me to start by saying that since I have started blogging - there is a portion of me that I share... and a portion that I don't. As life changes occur I think on the long-term effect these changes will have and based on that I choose whether or not to share. So - I think it is fitting to share some that I haven't to bring you up to speed. When I was in a very dark time in my life my counselor recommended a Facebook group specifically for widow/widowers. This was just a few months after Jan died. I found comfort there. It was a bit of solace in a life that was absent of it. I began to look forward to just chatting with fellow widowers and widows of their pains and how they were progressing through healing. On May 13th I made a comment to a post of a widow - Samantha. It was in a real way a chapter of my life and the complexity and hardships that come from the loss of our spouses. Through this exposure we found that we both went to the same high school and had many of the same connections yet never met. We continued to communicate and a friendship was formed. While we had separate lives it brought a bit of comfort to me during an otherwise turbulent time in my life. After a while we both realized something may be there between us. There is a funny thing about age and experience. For me - I just had been through the ringer with my emotions and I wanted to know if something was there or not. If so - great. If not - great. I just wanted to get clear. I went on a date. THAT was an experience I thought I would not have again in my life. We connected. We went out on several more dates and I realized that I really enjoyed being around her. She is an awesome mom and very kind to her kids. Over the months we have grown close and today I proposed. She accepted. The comfort that has come from this is really overwhelming. Both of our lives have been filled with dark times. Both of us have struggled with isolation that comes from losing a spouse and being thrust into the life of being a single parent.
My sister-in-law, Michelle, died of cancer in 2006 and her husband, Scott, married a widow (Kim) after Michelle's passing. Their situation was very similar except for one detail. I have 4 kids and Samantha has 3. Scott has 6 kids and Kim has 5. I feel fortunate to have them to inquire and ask questions. Blending families is a serious business and for me I want to ensure it is successful. The future is bright and also has some complexities. I'm sure it will work out... for me the comfort comes in knowing I am no longer going to be alone.
In talking with my kids and family over the past weeks there was always a potential that something could develop between me and Samantha and they knew marriage was a possibility. I felt torn on this event in my life. I never wished for this. I only wished to be with Jan yet Samantha was in a very similar boat. Who chooses the life of a widow/widower? You get thrust into that role and have to figure things out. I had reservations in telling my brother-in-law, Tom. In my life I seem to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. His words to me were so kind that I just wept. I just wasn't expecting so much love and support from the brother of my wife. I wasn't expecting it because in a way I feel like I am betraying Jan. It is hard for me to see what this must look like from another prospective but at the same time I feel Jan has had a direct influence in helping me find someone who can step in in Jan's absence. Kids continue to grow up and I have taken comfort that Samantha will be able to be there physically for the kids since Jan cannot.
So - something for the blog... I am engaged.
