So Emma went to the second part of this church activity. She had a really fun time. She came back saying that one girl her age who said the opening prayer looked exactly like Jan. Then she saw another person in the crowd that looked like Jan. Then when she was talking with her friends she glanced over her shoulder and actually saw Jan. Like a glow around her and everything. Someone walked in front of where she was and then she was gone. It was one of those... did I really just see that?? She came back feeling very happy and excited about those experiences. I was happy for her. I also had something stirring inside I could not identify. We ate dinner. My mom asked if something was wrong... that I looked like I was going down hill. I just said I was tired. We ate dinner and I felt worse and worse. I got the kids doing their dinner-chores and told my mom that I needed to run an errand.
I realized what I was feeling. Grief and mourning. I was happy that Emma had those experiences. I believe she saw what she saw. I was comforted that Jan is still playing an active part in her life.... and I miss her terribly. I went by Jan's grave and just wept. I had not done that in some time. It was a good moment. I suppose these experiences Emma had just brought up the same feelings of loneliness and abandonment I felt when she left. I know Jan is still with our family. And while I know this I am still pained at her departure.
