I did something that hasn't been done since Jan left.... I cleaned the house. Not just picking up - I'm talking full bore, take the gloves off... and get down to business. At the end of the day everyone was exhausted but as I walked through the house there was one feeling I had not felt in a while. Peace.
This journey of grief has been so difficult .... mainly because I find that I act like a 5 yr old who is looking at medicine they don't want to take. It is a bitter cup. I stared at this cup and said no. I stared with the desire to somehow avoid partaking of it. I've tasted some nasty flavors of medicine in my life but grief takes the cake. Once I buckled up and partook I felt my life crumble. Like death was swallowing me up. I wished for it to just take me. It is interesting though - this drink did one amazing thing. I was humbled. Through humility I learned much about myself and Jan. I learned what I am capable of and that I am not alone. So many people have gone through this. I also learned that God has been there in my darkest hours. I still weep when tender memories return. I suppose I will do this the rest of my days.
I know Jan wants me to be happy and desires that I am not alone, just as I would desire Jan to have support and not be alone. That Emma, Madilyn, Ammon, and Claire can have a mother-figure to talk with. That I can have support at home and at work. I made the decision to open that door. To not be alone anymore. It was just as difficult to receive support during my grieving as it was to open the door I thought would be shut the rest of my days. So - a strange thing happened. Once that door was opened I found another widow who also was struggling. Here is the weird thing - her family has direct ties to Jan's. It was as if Jan was helping me with something I didn't really want. I suppose I am just stubborn... I realize that Jan is still watching out for me and because she can't be there physically has helped me find someone who could stand in her place ... a steward of sorts. Love is an interesting thing. When Jan gave birth to Emma - I thought - I can never love anyone else more than this little girl... then I had Madilyn and the initial thought was challenged... As our family has grown I have learned that love has no bounds. Love heals. Love sustains and supports. Love endures. With this I welcome this new woman into my life. She has 3 kids... even more love to go around. For the first time in a very long time - the future looks bright.
