Here we are - New Years Eve... The older kids are out and Ammon is determined to stay up until the new year comes in. Claire went to bed and I am emotionally drained. Samantha is watching a show and I am typing away. I know this may sound odd but at times the monotony of life is such that it will put me to sleep. Sometimes I get busy with work or cleaning or random things to take my mind off of reality. I think that is because life is hard sometimes. Life is tough and requires active participation and sometimes I think we all just want a break. I was talking to Samantha the other day on this subject and it just has been on my mind. Anyway - changing subjects- Madilyn's Christmas gift of some wireless earphones have died. I guess that is what you get for not purchasing genuine Apple products. So - the returns have begun.
I'm enjoying my time off for the holidays and will return to work on Wednesday. It has been good to have a break. I think everyone needs a break from time to time.
That is it for today.
Monday, December 31, 2018
Sunday, December 30, 2018
30 December 2018 (4 years and 10 days after The Day)
It is Sunday. Sunday seems to be a draining day for me. It is snowing outside. Our house is just cold. I hate that feeling. The kids are hyper and I am just ready for bed. We had a chicken and dumplings meal that is soooo appropriate for the weather. It helped to heat me to the core.
The kids are busy doing chores after eating and I have a moment to sit down and type. I went for a walk last night and this morning I awoke not so sore. I would like to go for a walk tonight but not when it is snowing. Our street is sloped and my luck would have me sliding down the street so I am trying to think of ways of exercising when it is cold outside. My desire to work out just supersedes my desire to eat something sweet.
Claire came up to me while I was typing so we took a picture.
The kids are busy doing chores after eating and I have a moment to sit down and type. I went for a walk last night and this morning I awoke not so sore. I would like to go for a walk tonight but not when it is snowing. Our street is sloped and my luck would have me sliding down the street so I am trying to think of ways of exercising when it is cold outside. My desire to work out just supersedes my desire to eat something sweet.
Claire came up to me while I was typing so we took a picture.
Claire is asking me to put on a cartoon on Youtube so she can watch it. So - this is a short entry.
Saturday, December 29, 2018
29 December 2018 (4 years and 9 days after The Day)
So today I went to see Spider-Man into the Spider-Verse with the older kids. It was a cute movie. I went for a walk tonight. A long hour-long walk. I'm tired. How lame is this for an entry. Well - at least it is an entry.
Here is the deep-thought of the day. Do you ever wish you had the exact right thing to say at a time that what you say matters but instead you screw it up? Well - that is me today. I think we all have trigger words. For me it is the phrase "you do realize" Can I just be the person to say THAT is not how a question is started. Please start with the basic Who, What, When, Where, and Why for a question. When someone phrases a "question" by starting off saying "you do realize" in my opinion they are NOT trying to ask a question but rather trying to establish their superiority and your inferiority in such a way that it embarrasses you. I am thrust back to my childhood when my dad would phrase questions like this to me. So - fast forward to today and I snapped at one of my children when they used that phrase and things just went south. I apologized for snapping to the child that said this but I still felt the same feelings I did 30+ years ago when my dad would use that phrase on me. I hate it. I hate the feeling of someone being domineering. So - suffice it to say my dad and I were not very close. I guess at some point in time we all have things that trigger us from our life experiences. For me I strive to be able to handle myself in every situation. I guess I failed today.
On that note I will start tomorrow anew.
Here is the deep-thought of the day. Do you ever wish you had the exact right thing to say at a time that what you say matters but instead you screw it up? Well - that is me today. I think we all have trigger words. For me it is the phrase "you do realize" Can I just be the person to say THAT is not how a question is started. Please start with the basic Who, What, When, Where, and Why for a question. When someone phrases a "question" by starting off saying "you do realize" in my opinion they are NOT trying to ask a question but rather trying to establish their superiority and your inferiority in such a way that it embarrasses you. I am thrust back to my childhood when my dad would phrase questions like this to me. So - fast forward to today and I snapped at one of my children when they used that phrase and things just went south. I apologized for snapping to the child that said this but I still felt the same feelings I did 30+ years ago when my dad would use that phrase on me. I hate it. I hate the feeling of someone being domineering. So - suffice it to say my dad and I were not very close. I guess at some point in time we all have things that trigger us from our life experiences. For me I strive to be able to handle myself in every situation. I guess I failed today.
On that note I will start tomorrow anew.
Friday, December 28, 2018
28 December 2018 (4 years and 8 days after The Day)
Today I ended up just doing a lot of cleaning. I woke up and we had about 2-3 inches of snow. I shoveled the driveway and cleaned up a bit outside. Then I ended up cleaning the house for the rest of the day. I'm sure that is not very exciting to read but it is what happened. Samantha and I ran some errands and then this evening we took a moment and went to grab a shake from a burger joint here called JCW's. It was really good. I haven't had a shake in forever so it was a real treat. We got a chance to talk and have a moment without the kids. It was nice. Earlier today I replaced the bulb in the lava lamp that Ammon got for Christmas. The bulb had broken so it took some searching to find the right kind. Anyway- we let it run and he was all smiles to see the bubbling magic of a lava lamp. That made me smile.
So - this is odd seeing that the new year is so close. It seems like I am just getting accustomed to writing 2018 and now that year is over. The one thing I am looking forward to is watching the fireworks here. People in Utah are crazy about fireworks and there are some good places to watch them but who am I kidding - I'm not staying up to midnight. Nope. I will go to sleep at a normal hour. Oh well... the thought was nice.
I've been thinking of why people in general are dishonest to each other. They may pretend to be a certain way or tell falsehoods to give the appearance of something else. I often wonder how things would be if there was no possible way of lying. I imagine what life would be like in a world where you could immediately tell what the truth was before a person could say anything. I would imagine that life would be very different. How many times are people dishonest with each other in a single day? I would imagine it is more than we think. Even the most simple - "How are you today?" question that one responds "Fine" when in reality "Fine" is the last thing you really feel. When someone says "Fine" and you know it isn't how many times do we just keep on walking without skipping a beat even when we know that "Fine" is not really how they feel. Perhaps it is because we don't want to dive into the details with them or perhaps as the person who says "fine" we say it because we don't want to share everything. I suppose the point of this rambling is we say "fine" but I think we may be shocked to know just how many other people feel the same as you when you say "fine". I think we could really comfort each other if we were completely honest. Anyway - as Jan would say "deep thoughts by Rob".
I'm off to bed.
So - this is odd seeing that the new year is so close. It seems like I am just getting accustomed to writing 2018 and now that year is over. The one thing I am looking forward to is watching the fireworks here. People in Utah are crazy about fireworks and there are some good places to watch them but who am I kidding - I'm not staying up to midnight. Nope. I will go to sleep at a normal hour. Oh well... the thought was nice.
I've been thinking of why people in general are dishonest to each other. They may pretend to be a certain way or tell falsehoods to give the appearance of something else. I often wonder how things would be if there was no possible way of lying. I imagine what life would be like in a world where you could immediately tell what the truth was before a person could say anything. I would imagine that life would be very different. How many times are people dishonest with each other in a single day? I would imagine it is more than we think. Even the most simple - "How are you today?" question that one responds "Fine" when in reality "Fine" is the last thing you really feel. When someone says "Fine" and you know it isn't how many times do we just keep on walking without skipping a beat even when we know that "Fine" is not really how they feel. Perhaps it is because we don't want to dive into the details with them or perhaps as the person who says "fine" we say it because we don't want to share everything. I suppose the point of this rambling is we say "fine" but I think we may be shocked to know just how many other people feel the same as you when you say "fine". I think we could really comfort each other if we were completely honest. Anyway - as Jan would say "deep thoughts by Rob".
I'm off to bed.
Thursday, December 27, 2018
27 December 2018 (4 years and 7 days after The Day)
Last night I decided to go to the gym. I was so tired of not working out and eating because of the holidays that I knew I needed to get to the gym. I got dressed and drove to the gym and then realized the gym was closed. I came back home determined to do something. I went for a walk. I decided to just walk and walk and walk. I wanted to walk until I actually got tired. I think when I was done I was nearly at 10K steps. I came home and collapsed on the sofa watching the end of Julie and Julia and then the documentary on Stephen Hawking. After that I had difficulty walking. I knew when I woke up today it would be bad. I put on some icy/hot type of stuff and went to bed.
Today began with me not being able to walk well when I got up. Luckily that wore off after an hour. Mid-morning I went with my father-in-law to use a tow-rope to get Dylan's car to the shop. When we got to the car and pushed it out I realized that there was no place under the car to hook a tow-rope so we ended up calling a tow truck. When I got back home the internet was acting up. I find it frustrating when I am unable to fix a technology issue. I diagnosed it to a DNS issue and long-story short after going through 2 different routers and contacting the provider I am left with an issue that I cannot fix but I have diagnosed it as a vendor issue. So until they fix the portion on their side I am left with internet circuit that is temperamental. I spent the remainder of the day cleaning the house.
All the kids ended up going in different directions. Samantha and I took Emma and Claire to have a hamburger and came back to the house. I'm tired and feel like I didn't get much done today.
Perhaps tomorrow will be more productive.
Today began with me not being able to walk well when I got up. Luckily that wore off after an hour. Mid-morning I went with my father-in-law to use a tow-rope to get Dylan's car to the shop. When we got to the car and pushed it out I realized that there was no place under the car to hook a tow-rope so we ended up calling a tow truck. When I got back home the internet was acting up. I find it frustrating when I am unable to fix a technology issue. I diagnosed it to a DNS issue and long-story short after going through 2 different routers and contacting the provider I am left with an issue that I cannot fix but I have diagnosed it as a vendor issue. So until they fix the portion on their side I am left with internet circuit that is temperamental. I spent the remainder of the day cleaning the house.
All the kids ended up going in different directions. Samantha and I took Emma and Claire to have a hamburger and came back to the house. I'm tired and feel like I didn't get much done today.
Perhaps tomorrow will be more productive.
Wednesday, December 26, 2018
26 December 2018 (4 years and 6 days after The Day)
So four years ago I was burying my wife. I have vivid memories of that time. It seems like a different life since then. I know things moved swiftly after her death and I am glad they did. I feel my kids and I am in a better place. I still hate that memory. I still have anger when I think on everything.
My sister got me an Amazon Echo. After some serious frustrations in getting it setup it has become a point of amusement to all. Since then it seems everyone (including myself) are asking the most mundane questions "Alexa - what is the weather?, Alexa - what do you think of Siri?, Alexa - Do you send your data to the government?, etc." The best so far is when I asked her how she can tell between right and wrong... her response... "Hmm. I don't know about that." This reminds me of the homeschooling Jan and I were involved in with our kids. We used a "Thomas Jefferson Education" or TJEd for short. In this curriculum it is essentially broken into three phases - Core, Love of Learning, and Scholar. The point of the Core phase is to instill ethics into the student before they learn anything. The Love of Learning phase is to instill a love of learning that will enable the learner to enjoy learning and make it a life-long endeavor. Scholar phase is for deep diving into some curriculum. I'm not talking about studying for a research paper but rather a deeper dive into everything and anything about the subject matter.
Anyway - ethics seems to be a missing important key to lots of political and social media discussions. Alexa reminds me of what you get with technology without any ethics learning. So - from someone who deals with artificial intelligence (AI) at work I am intrigued at what the Amazon Echo can help with as well as what it could hurt. I'm also interested in learning how to train AI technology with ethics since AI technology will likely replace much of what is repeatable. I mean - you know the phrase "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime" right? The point of why this is important is what AI I believe has to yet learn. It can repeat tasks and tell how to tell what step to do next but I don't think it is yet at the point of being able to tell if it should do a certain task because of an ethical conflict. Anyway - that being said - Amazon Echo is something that is fascinating to me.
Emma and Spencer are heading up North this afternoon. I am going to run some errands with Samantha and life is getting back to normal.
Perhaps more later -
My sister got me an Amazon Echo. After some serious frustrations in getting it setup it has become a point of amusement to all. Since then it seems everyone (including myself) are asking the most mundane questions "Alexa - what is the weather?, Alexa - what do you think of Siri?, Alexa - Do you send your data to the government?, etc." The best so far is when I asked her how she can tell between right and wrong... her response... "Hmm. I don't know about that." This reminds me of the homeschooling Jan and I were involved in with our kids. We used a "Thomas Jefferson Education" or TJEd for short. In this curriculum it is essentially broken into three phases - Core, Love of Learning, and Scholar. The point of the Core phase is to instill ethics into the student before they learn anything. The Love of Learning phase is to instill a love of learning that will enable the learner to enjoy learning and make it a life-long endeavor. Scholar phase is for deep diving into some curriculum. I'm not talking about studying for a research paper but rather a deeper dive into everything and anything about the subject matter.
Anyway - ethics seems to be a missing important key to lots of political and social media discussions. Alexa reminds me of what you get with technology without any ethics learning. So - from someone who deals with artificial intelligence (AI) at work I am intrigued at what the Amazon Echo can help with as well as what it could hurt. I'm also interested in learning how to train AI technology with ethics since AI technology will likely replace much of what is repeatable. I mean - you know the phrase "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime" right? The point of why this is important is what AI I believe has to yet learn. It can repeat tasks and tell how to tell what step to do next but I don't think it is yet at the point of being able to tell if it should do a certain task because of an ethical conflict. Anyway - that being said - Amazon Echo is something that is fascinating to me.
Emma and Spencer are heading up North this afternoon. I am going to run some errands with Samantha and life is getting back to normal.
Perhaps more later -
Tuesday, December 25, 2018
25 December 2018 (4 years and 5 days after The Day)
Christmas day - after a fun time getting everyone up presents opened the mood has settled back down to normal and I think Samantha and I are pooped. We are both in bed at the moment. Nap time comes early on Christmas day!
One of the gifts Samantha worked on throughout the year were memory quilts for both Justin and Jan. Here are the pics with the kids.
On the back of each of these quilts were pictures of the kids with their mom/dad. For Claire's it is pictures of me and Jan.
One of the gifts Samantha worked on throughout the year were memory quilts for both Justin and Jan. Here are the pics with the kids.
On the back of each of these quilts were pictures of the kids with their mom/dad. For Claire's it is pictures of me and Jan.
Needless to day there were tears of happiness. I felt as if both Jan and Justin were here in the house with us. It was a sweet spirit as they all opened their quilts.
Well - there will be more later -
Monday, December 24, 2018
24 December 2018 (4 years and 4 days after The Day)
Today was a blizzard of getting things ready for tomorrow. We had family over for dinner and it was really good to get everyone together. While our immediate family is blending including others can at times be challenging since they are not always around; however, that being said - I think the extended families are blending with my kids ok. I feel very blessed for Samantha's parents. They are so very Christlike. They really do love and care for all of the kiddos. I feel the same for my mom. She loves all of the kids. Perhaps that is a grandparent trait. I don't know but I do know the kids love the grandparents.
A lot was put into this Christmas so I am excited to see how things go. Emma Jane and Spencer came in from Logan today and it was good visiting with them again. They have a tight schedule at work so we will get to visit with them tomorrow as well and then I think they are heading back to school.
I took a few minutes today to try to get Dylan's 94' Saturn SL2 running but I had no luck. We will get it towed it to the shop and see what they can do.
Anyway - I'm thankful for Samantha making this Christmas all it is. I am often in awe at what she can accomplish. So -with that - I'm off to bed.
A lot was put into this Christmas so I am excited to see how things go. Emma Jane and Spencer came in from Logan today and it was good visiting with them again. They have a tight schedule at work so we will get to visit with them tomorrow as well and then I think they are heading back to school.
I took a few minutes today to try to get Dylan's 94' Saturn SL2 running but I had no luck. We will get it towed it to the shop and see what they can do.
Anyway - I'm thankful for Samantha making this Christmas all it is. I am often in awe at what she can accomplish. So -with that - I'm off to bed.
Sunday, December 23, 2018
23 December 2018 (4 years and 3 days after The Day)
It seems now that I am writing in this blog on a more regular basis I am having difficulty thinking of things that I should write about because I forget about what I wrote the previous day. So - today was church. It was a quick church day... there was a lot of caroling and then that was about it. We came home. Dylan got into a fender-bender in the church parking lot and then his car would not start after he turned off the engine. We are still working through that. We ate the pork chops for dinner that I smoked the other day. I thought they were good although most everyone else didn't care for the smoke flavor on the chops. Oh well. I suppose I will stick to brisket, pulled pork, ribs, etc.. On a good note I have two pork chops left over for me!
Ammon is sick. He has slept most of the day and went to bed early. He didn't eat much and didn't go to church. He was fighting a fever today. I feel bad for my kids when they are sick.
Claire has been just a hoot. She sure can make me laugh as she runs around the house. Her vocabulary is big enough that she says the funniest of phrases. After church she put on a t-shirt and kept her tights on. She then preceded to put on some make believe butterfly wings and fly around the house. She is so precious.
It is supposed to start snowing tonight. We have family coming over tomorrow. I think it will be a bit chaotic since everyone will be inside. Generally when family comes over they spill outside into the backyard and the house isn't too crazy but I think tomorrow will be a little crazy.
That is it for today. I'm watching another hallmark movie. :-)
Ammon is sick. He has slept most of the day and went to bed early. He didn't eat much and didn't go to church. He was fighting a fever today. I feel bad for my kids when they are sick.
Claire has been just a hoot. She sure can make me laugh as she runs around the house. Her vocabulary is big enough that she says the funniest of phrases. After church she put on a t-shirt and kept her tights on. She then preceded to put on some make believe butterfly wings and fly around the house. She is so precious.
It is supposed to start snowing tonight. We have family coming over tomorrow. I think it will be a bit chaotic since everyone will be inside. Generally when family comes over they spill outside into the backyard and the house isn't too crazy but I think tomorrow will be a little crazy.
That is it for today. I'm watching another hallmark movie. :-)
Saturday, December 22, 2018
22 December 2018 (4 years and 2 days after The Day)
Today started out rough. Memories returned of being called to the hospital. I recall leaving my kids knowing that the probability of me coming back with bad news that would forever change our lives was becoming more of a reality every day. As I shared these memories Samantha was so patient with me. She really just allowed me to be in a safe place as I fell apart. I love her so much.
She asked me what I wanted today... to be busy or do my own thing... I told her I wanted to be busy. I stayed busy and today was a good day. I cut up the briskets and man were they good! I know it is a silly thing but wow did they look and taste so good! I finally got the smoke ring to turn out right. I'm happy about that. Samantha and I ate some for lunch and wow was it good! After a few errands here and there we ended the day watching a Hallmark movie. I am happy that it is ending on a positive note.
Until later -
She asked me what I wanted today... to be busy or do my own thing... I told her I wanted to be busy. I stayed busy and today was a good day. I cut up the briskets and man were they good! I know it is a silly thing but wow did they look and taste so good! I finally got the smoke ring to turn out right. I'm happy about that. Samantha and I ate some for lunch and wow was it good! After a few errands here and there we ended the day watching a Hallmark movie. I am happy that it is ending on a positive note.
Until later -
Friday, December 21, 2018
21 December 2018 (4 years and 1 day after The Day)
So today was an action-packed day. I kept myself busy. I got up at 4 and started my smoker. I put the two briskets and one bone-in pork loin on and went back inside. After I got the fire settled in I sat down at work. The pork loin finished cooking a little after 8. It seemed that the day went by quickly. I was only working a 1/2 day today but still... I assumed the briskets would be cooking all day but that wasn't the case. I took them off about 1:30 pm. The briskets cooked at about 34 min/lb which is really weird as they normally cook at about 60 min/lb. The temp was the same. Everything was normal. It just cooked fast. It was really really weird. I thought my thermometer was acting up but I have two different kinds and it read the same temp on both so I took them off the smoker and put them in the cooler for a few hours and then cleaned up and took a nap.
When I woke up Emma, Madilyn, Claire, and a few of their friends were watching some Christmas show in the living room. I decided to start the clean-up process of using my smoker and got the dishes done. Claire was acting a little cranky so I brought her into the kitchen with me and I fed her some of her remaining birthday cake. I pulled out the briskets from the cooler and cut a small piece to test. I asked Claire if she wanted a piece and she nodded. I brought it over to her with some home made BBQ sauce and she gobbled it up. They both tasted just fine. I went ahead and got the briskets in the fridge and finished cleaning up.
I went on a date with Samantha tonight. We just went to eat Indian food and we just enjoyed it. I found that I tend to like spicy food more and more. I think that is odd as when I was growing up I wasn't a fan. Today is a bit different. Both Samantha and I order "medium" when we eat Indian food but tonight it wasn't very spicy. She said it was probably because I put so much red pepper flakes on my food. It is true. I do. I think my taste buds are checking out because things just are not that spicy to me these days.
We ran some errands and stopped off at Baskin Robins (haven't been there since I was a kid) and got a couple of scoops of ice cream. It was good. We ended up back at the house and watched Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. And after the movie I am in bed about to turn off the lights.
I'm so thankful for my kids. They are all so different. I never thought I would be a step parent in a million years but here I am. I am so thankful to play a part in my step-children's lives. I'm thankful that Samantha and I are on this journey together. It is good. Life sometimes is filled with manure but it seems for me that the manure helps eventually for good things to take root and grow. I miss Jan. Every day I miss her but I also feel so very blessed to have my family now. I find myself in an odd situation loving two women. I am grateful that they both help me to be a better me. I love them both.
Until later -
When I woke up Emma, Madilyn, Claire, and a few of their friends were watching some Christmas show in the living room. I decided to start the clean-up process of using my smoker and got the dishes done. Claire was acting a little cranky so I brought her into the kitchen with me and I fed her some of her remaining birthday cake. I pulled out the briskets from the cooler and cut a small piece to test. I asked Claire if she wanted a piece and she nodded. I brought it over to her with some home made BBQ sauce and she gobbled it up. They both tasted just fine. I went ahead and got the briskets in the fridge and finished cleaning up.
I went on a date with Samantha tonight. We just went to eat Indian food and we just enjoyed it. I found that I tend to like spicy food more and more. I think that is odd as when I was growing up I wasn't a fan. Today is a bit different. Both Samantha and I order "medium" when we eat Indian food but tonight it wasn't very spicy. She said it was probably because I put so much red pepper flakes on my food. It is true. I do. I think my taste buds are checking out because things just are not that spicy to me these days.
We ran some errands and stopped off at Baskin Robins (haven't been there since I was a kid) and got a couple of scoops of ice cream. It was good. We ended up back at the house and watched Groundhog Day with Bill Murray. And after the movie I am in bed about to turn off the lights.
I'm so thankful for my kids. They are all so different. I never thought I would be a step parent in a million years but here I am. I am so thankful to play a part in my step-children's lives. I'm thankful that Samantha and I are on this journey together. It is good. Life sometimes is filled with manure but it seems for me that the manure helps eventually for good things to take root and grow. I miss Jan. Every day I miss her but I also feel so very blessed to have my family now. I find myself in an odd situation loving two women. I am grateful that they both help me to be a better me. I love them both.
Until later -
Thursday, December 20, 2018
20 December 2018 (4 years after The Day)
So Happy Birthday to Claire! She is 4 today. She is full of funny phrases. I love her so much.
Jan had this "Think happy be happy" phrase hanging from the van rearview mirror. I feel so blessed. I had my moments today. I relived a little. I had a request come in at work for some very very old data and I had to look over some old backups. In the midst of doing this I came across a backup that had personal info on it and in it was photos around the funeral. I just sat there and stared at the photo of the burial vault. It is blue... her favorite color. It seems like a dream. One life ends and another begins. Claire is so precious. Combining both her and Samantha I have really healed a lot but in all honesty, the pain doesn't ever leave. It seems as potent as the day everything occurred.
On a different note - I have my smoker prepped for tomorrow morning. I'm working a 1/2 day tomorrow and I figured I would get the briskets in early so I could pull them out early and perhaps go on a date with Samantha. I learned the hard way through Jan not to put off tomorrow what you can do today. Dates with your spouse are so important.
So - thanks for your thoughts and prayers - I felt today was tough but doable.
Until tomorrow-
Wednesday, December 19, 2018
19 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 30 days after The Day)
So today started off with a migraine. I woke up about 4:30 and stumbled into the bathroom. Afterwards I wandered back to bed and looked at my phone to see the time and noticed that the phone was blurry. I knew for me that is the beginning of a headache like an ice pick in my eye that generally hits about 30 min after my vision gets weird. I took some migraine meds and tried to go back to sleep. After tossing and turning I decided to try to work assuming I could see. I was able to see enough to get one project done and out of the way and with that I went back to bed for about 30 min which was enough to allow the headache to pass. I walked around the house with a squint like a pirate and while I'm sure I looked foolish it worked.
The rest of the day went without incident until I was putting Claire down for bed. Samantha reminded Claire that she needed to get lost of rest because tomorrow was her birthday. No sooner than those words entered my ears I was thrust back four years. In a matter of moments I relived the hellish first few days and I crumbled. I'm trying to be composed for my kids but at times like that it is so difficult. Samantha is so very loving, caring, compassionate, and kind. I told her I needed to go to the gym.
While I was at the gym I hit the weights hard. I had my earbuds in and it seemed all the music reminded me of that day and all the emotion I had poured out of me and into the weights. This helped me set a personal record for the leg press. Go me. After the weights I hit the cycle and ended up texting my sister who has also seen a few struggles in her life. We laughed together as we shared text messages about how we struggle through pain. For me lifting weights allowed me to both sweat and cry and for the most part it goes unnoticed. I'm sure the only thing that could complete the picture would be if I started screaming while I was lifting. (queue the weird looks from others) In a funny twist I believe this trip to the gym really helped me to process some of this grief. I try to be positive or at least put a funny twist on things so I can process the emotion.
Well - I'm back at the house and preparing for tomorrow. Fingers crossed!
The rest of the day went without incident until I was putting Claire down for bed. Samantha reminded Claire that she needed to get lost of rest because tomorrow was her birthday. No sooner than those words entered my ears I was thrust back four years. In a matter of moments I relived the hellish first few days and I crumbled. I'm trying to be composed for my kids but at times like that it is so difficult. Samantha is so very loving, caring, compassionate, and kind. I told her I needed to go to the gym.
While I was at the gym I hit the weights hard. I had my earbuds in and it seemed all the music reminded me of that day and all the emotion I had poured out of me and into the weights. This helped me set a personal record for the leg press. Go me. After the weights I hit the cycle and ended up texting my sister who has also seen a few struggles in her life. We laughed together as we shared text messages about how we struggle through pain. For me lifting weights allowed me to both sweat and cry and for the most part it goes unnoticed. I'm sure the only thing that could complete the picture would be if I started screaming while I was lifting. (queue the weird looks from others) In a funny twist I believe this trip to the gym really helped me to process some of this grief. I try to be positive or at least put a funny twist on things so I can process the emotion.
Well - I'm back at the house and preparing for tomorrow. Fingers crossed!
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
18 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 29 days after The Day)
Today was another good day. It was busy. That is the trick during the holidays for me. Stay busy. I'm off to Home Depot to get a faucet. I talked with my oldest sister on the phone today. It was so very good to catch up with her. It is funny how my sisters and I are so very different from each other.
It is 9:30 pm and I have not gone to the gym yet. :-|. I'm slipping a bit on the gym thing. I think the holidays make it a challenge. I also am just absolutely tired. I do not have trouble falling asleep and that is a good thing for me. There were times that I struggled to sleep. I don't think today will be one of those days.
I finished writing a 2018 year in review to mail out with our Christmas cards. I used the 2017 review to build off of as a template and it is amazing all that has transpired in 12 months. Samantha has a good habit of the entire family getting our picture taken every couple of years. I'm glad we have that. The kids seem so different yet since I live with them I don't see it like I do when I look in at a picture.
Emma picked up a job and is working again and I think that is good. Alex is getting off of work late tonight so I'm sure he will arrive home exhausted. We use Disney's Circle device to help manage our device usage here in the house and I just love how we set a bedtime for the TV and it just stops working. So - on the dot the kids all wander to their rooms and go to bed without us having to tell them to turn off the TV.
And with that in mind - I'm off to bed.
It is 9:30 pm and I have not gone to the gym yet. :-|. I'm slipping a bit on the gym thing. I think the holidays make it a challenge. I also am just absolutely tired. I do not have trouble falling asleep and that is a good thing for me. There were times that I struggled to sleep. I don't think today will be one of those days.
I finished writing a 2018 year in review to mail out with our Christmas cards. I used the 2017 review to build off of as a template and it is amazing all that has transpired in 12 months. Samantha has a good habit of the entire family getting our picture taken every couple of years. I'm glad we have that. The kids seem so different yet since I live with them I don't see it like I do when I look in at a picture.
Emma picked up a job and is working again and I think that is good. Alex is getting off of work late tonight so I'm sure he will arrive home exhausted. We use Disney's Circle device to help manage our device usage here in the house and I just love how we set a bedtime for the TV and it just stops working. So - on the dot the kids all wander to their rooms and go to bed without us having to tell them to turn off the TV.
And with that in mind - I'm off to bed.
Monday, December 17, 2018
17 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 28 days after The Day)
Today was a good day. I think it was good because there was a lot to do at work and it kept me busy. I also spent time listening for the door as the Christmas packages were delivered by Amazon. It seems UPS will knock on the door but other delivery companies (USPS) will not. They will just put the packages on your doorstep and walk away. I don't understand why they don't just knock or ring the doorbell. That is so odd to me.
Claire has a fascination with my wallet. It is now a prized possession that she seeks to lift from my back pocket. She is not very subtle and I cannot help but laughing as she jams her entire hand/arm into my pocket to get my wallet. Once she has it she laughs and shows it to me. If I try to get it from her immediately she runs off with it as a "catch me" type of moment. She giggles the entire time. It makes me smile.
I wrote a Christmas letter about our family this evening and I felt it was really healing. It gave me a moment to count my blessings and I think we should all do more of that. As I wrote about everything that has gone on during the year I was left feeling grateful for everything. I love my family. I am so very thankful for each of them. I know we all drive each other nuts but I think that is what families do best and I feel closer to them today than I did a year ago.
Well - I'm off to bed.
Claire has a fascination with my wallet. It is now a prized possession that she seeks to lift from my back pocket. She is not very subtle and I cannot help but laughing as she jams her entire hand/arm into my pocket to get my wallet. Once she has it she laughs and shows it to me. If I try to get it from her immediately she runs off with it as a "catch me" type of moment. She giggles the entire time. It makes me smile.
I wrote a Christmas letter about our family this evening and I felt it was really healing. It gave me a moment to count my blessings and I think we should all do more of that. As I wrote about everything that has gone on during the year I was left feeling grateful for everything. I love my family. I am so very thankful for each of them. I know we all drive each other nuts but I think that is what families do best and I feel closer to them today than I did a year ago.
Well - I'm off to bed.
Sunday, December 16, 2018
16 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 27 days after The Day)
So I feel like this is a crescendo in music. I feel that way because today was a joke. I was sitting in sacrament meeting at church and Stephen Beus (look him up on YouTube) was playing a Christmas piano piece. It was beautiful music. You could feel the Holy Spirit. It was very nice. All of a sudden the tears started flowing and I couldn't cut them off. I seemed to be on a fulcrum before Church that went either to anger or absolute sadness. I was a mess. Samantha recommended I go home after that meeting and they would stay for the remaining portion of Church. I took her up on the offer. I came home, cleaned up a bit, and went to sleep. It seemed like only a few minutes passed before someone knocked on the door and was dropping something off for one of the kids. I crawled back into my bed. It felt like a comfortable cocoon. I dozed on and off and then the troop arrived. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. The girls made lunch and then settled in the living room watching some teeny-bopper show and Ammon was wanting to join them but they (girls vs. Ammon) were arguing so I had to intervene.
I ended up taking Ammon for a drive and then a hike up the mountain. I feel bad because he doesn't have anyone his age group in the home and ends up kinda being isolated in that regard. It was good for he and I to get out and about. My knee held up and I was very encouraged. Perhaps all those days at the gym are paying off! My pedometer on my phone said we hiked 16 flights of stairs. All I know is we were very high and could see a ton. The air was clean and crisp and being in nature was very healing. I think it was healing for us both. We didn't say much but just being away and up and into the wilderness was nice. We found a granite outcropping by the trail and just took a seat. We were both panting as we climbed. We were going to continue going up but there was mud on the trail that made it very unsafe for us both to get across and not fall down the hillside so we turned around.
I got back home and after dinner we visited with the kids. We picked up a Christmas tree the other day so we strung lights on it tonight. I have been filling up the water portion of the tree stand as the tree is gulping water. The tree was a bit dry at the top and it is slowly getting a drink.
I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow. I think that is because I have a lot of projects but so many moving pieces are out of my hands so I end up just following up with tons of people. I like to always have a lot of iron in the fire so I can be effective in getting things done but this time of year is a challenge when people are on vacation. I think if I was on vacation what would I do? I don't know. I enjoy work regardless of what it is. I enjoy making a difference.
Until tomorrow -
I ended up taking Ammon for a drive and then a hike up the mountain. I feel bad because he doesn't have anyone his age group in the home and ends up kinda being isolated in that regard. It was good for he and I to get out and about. My knee held up and I was very encouraged. Perhaps all those days at the gym are paying off! My pedometer on my phone said we hiked 16 flights of stairs. All I know is we were very high and could see a ton. The air was clean and crisp and being in nature was very healing. I think it was healing for us both. We didn't say much but just being away and up and into the wilderness was nice. We found a granite outcropping by the trail and just took a seat. We were both panting as we climbed. We were going to continue going up but there was mud on the trail that made it very unsafe for us both to get across and not fall down the hillside so we turned around.
I got back home and after dinner we visited with the kids. We picked up a Christmas tree the other day so we strung lights on it tonight. I have been filling up the water portion of the tree stand as the tree is gulping water. The tree was a bit dry at the top and it is slowly getting a drink.
I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow. I think that is because I have a lot of projects but so many moving pieces are out of my hands so I end up just following up with tons of people. I like to always have a lot of iron in the fire so I can be effective in getting things done but this time of year is a challenge when people are on vacation. I think if I was on vacation what would I do? I don't know. I enjoy work regardless of what it is. I enjoy making a difference.
Until tomorrow -
Saturday, December 15, 2018
15 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 26 days after The Day)
Today was just another day I suppose. I find that I snap at the kids. I don't mean to but I do. I feel ever since Jan died that my patience is just gone. My dad snapped at us kids a lot and I feel I am acting a lot like him which I abhor. I know he had difficulty talking with kids and if I were looking for an excuse I suppose there is a billion. The fact is I shouldn't be snapping at them and I am aware that I do. I feel bad immediately as I do too so I suppose that is good that I am aware.
We took the kids and got a tree today. I am happy for them as they are building fun memories but I just dislike Christmas. This season is filled with very tough memories for me.
Friday, December 14, 2018
14 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 25 days after The Day)
Have you ever had a day at work where you felt let down by those you work with? Today was that day for me. Ammon went to a birthday party at a trampoline park and Emma Jean is filling out paperwork to start her new job. I have been having a discussion on Christmas gifts with Samantha. This year we are cutting back on the amount of gifts we give the kids which is making us prioritize everything even more.
I went to a wedding shower tonight with Samantha, Emma Jane, and Spencer. The wedding shower was for one of Emma Jane's high school friends. It was good to see Emma and Spencer again. I so enjoy when they visit. The house feels complete. We stopped for a quick bite to eat afterwards and then to some Christmas shopping and then headed home. While the kids talked in the kitchen I turned on the TV and went through the channels until I found something I thought would be a non-thinking show. I ended on "Fearless" with Jet Li. So... yeah... I got through 1/2 of it and am now triggered beyond belief. Yay for me. Going to bed now. Ug.
I went to a wedding shower tonight with Samantha, Emma Jane, and Spencer. The wedding shower was for one of Emma Jane's high school friends. It was good to see Emma and Spencer again. I so enjoy when they visit. The house feels complete. We stopped for a quick bite to eat afterwards and then to some Christmas shopping and then headed home. While the kids talked in the kitchen I turned on the TV and went through the channels until I found something I thought would be a non-thinking show. I ended on "Fearless" with Jet Li. So... yeah... I got through 1/2 of it and am now triggered beyond belief. Yay for me. Going to bed now. Ug.
Thursday, December 13, 2018
13 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 24 days after The Day)
So today I was hyper aware of my need to do things like clean and get things in order. I did a self test to see if I could just ignore it. Well - I found out that I could. So I count that as good news.
I watched a Mark Weins video this evening and he is in Pakistan. With all the wars in the middle east I have always thought of Pakistan as a place I wouldn't want to visit but to be completely honest this video series of Mark and his family there has changed my perspective. I think food brings people together. There are things that can bring joy into our lives regardless of our differences. There was an older gentleman who was preparing a meal by grinding peppers mortar and pestle and he was smiling ear to ear at seeing himself do that in the camera. He hugged Mark and I realized that I was smiling too. I find that children laughing together makes me smile. Seeing a complete stranger smile a genuine smile makes me happy. I believe that laughter and yawning are contagious and if I can make someone laugh or smile I have done something good.
The days are ticking by until Claire's 4th birthday. I think this will be the year that she gets it that it is her birthday. She will say things like "happy birthday for me?" when we say we have to celebrate a birthday (no matter what time of year). She makes me laugh. Today she just climbed in my lap a number of times determined for me to work while holding her making me maneuver a number of times to see over or around her head.
Well - I went to the gym tonight with Emma. It was good to spend time with her and visit with her. Sometimes I feel stretched thin to be there for everyone.
Until tomorrow -
I watched a Mark Weins video this evening and he is in Pakistan. With all the wars in the middle east I have always thought of Pakistan as a place I wouldn't want to visit but to be completely honest this video series of Mark and his family there has changed my perspective. I think food brings people together. There are things that can bring joy into our lives regardless of our differences. There was an older gentleman who was preparing a meal by grinding peppers mortar and pestle and he was smiling ear to ear at seeing himself do that in the camera. He hugged Mark and I realized that I was smiling too. I find that children laughing together makes me smile. Seeing a complete stranger smile a genuine smile makes me happy. I believe that laughter and yawning are contagious and if I can make someone laugh or smile I have done something good.
The days are ticking by until Claire's 4th birthday. I think this will be the year that she gets it that it is her birthday. She will say things like "happy birthday for me?" when we say we have to celebrate a birthday (no matter what time of year). She makes me laugh. Today she just climbed in my lap a number of times determined for me to work while holding her making me maneuver a number of times to see over or around her head.
Well - I went to the gym tonight with Emma. It was good to spend time with her and visit with her. Sometimes I feel stretched thin to be there for everyone.
Until tomorrow -
Wednesday, December 12, 2018
12 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 23 days after The Day)
So I neglected to write yesterday. I went to a high school choir concert in the evening with Samantha and Madilyn and it was really good. There were like 4 different choirs and each one sang like 5 songs so suffice it to say we were there a while. It was good seeing Dylan, Emma, and Alex sing. Emma looks so natural on stage. I think she is a natural performer. Dylan also looked very comfortable on stage. I couldn't see Alex because they had him standing in the back corner because of the large size of the choir and I couldn't see his face but only a few times the entire performance but I could hear him. Isn't it weird when you can single out voices in a crowd of people? I guess that explains how penguins can hear a squawk from another bird and say "nope... that's not my wife".
This evening Samantha was listening to a podcast of a woman who suffered a brain injury and who could only recall a few things and every day was a new day. It was like the movie "50 first dates" but in real life. We talked about how challenging it is for the woman but how much more challenging it is for the husband who has to be so extraordinarily patient with his wife who can't figure out how to park in another parking spot if someone is parking in hers. (yes... this lady does drive sometimes). Anyway - I was walking past the mirror in our bathroom while we were talking and I noticed Samantha's hair brush. I picked it up and changed the subject. I asked her if it was weird that I wanted to clean her brush. I looked at it as "something that needs to be done" in my mind. She said that I might be suffering from PTSD. I didn't know how to respond to that. I took a moment and jumped into the shower and thought on that the entire time. WebMD and other online sites are good at leading you down the mortality timeline with self-diagnosis where a headache surely means some sort of terminal illness. I strive to not go onto sites like that but when Samantha mentioned PTSD I'm thinking there are a lot of things I do now that I didn't do so much before Jan died. For example - I make the bed often. I clean a lot. I strive to be always helping around the house. Samantha says I "hover" at times when she is cooking. I will put things away (spices, condiments, bread, etc.) when she is cooking to be help clean up only I do this while she is cooking. I know this sounds completely moronic but in my mind I am helping. Even writing this makes me laugh at my own actions. Just acknowledging that I am different than I was before is helpful. So - it only took 3yrs, 11 months, and 23 days for me to figure this out; however, when I looked up PTSD it is different from some of my actions. So - perhaps I am a little OCD and PTSD. Self diagnosis can be a little interesting since I don't have a medical background and I am only looking at things from my own perspective. I think it is safe to say that all diagnosis aside my actions after Jan's death have helped me to understand that I am a little different than I was previously and help me to laugh at myself which I think can be helpful. (don't touch the brush)
On a positive note - my bed looks good. hahahaha
This evening Samantha was listening to a podcast of a woman who suffered a brain injury and who could only recall a few things and every day was a new day. It was like the movie "50 first dates" but in real life. We talked about how challenging it is for the woman but how much more challenging it is for the husband who has to be so extraordinarily patient with his wife who can't figure out how to park in another parking spot if someone is parking in hers. (yes... this lady does drive sometimes). Anyway - I was walking past the mirror in our bathroom while we were talking and I noticed Samantha's hair brush. I picked it up and changed the subject. I asked her if it was weird that I wanted to clean her brush. I looked at it as "something that needs to be done" in my mind. She said that I might be suffering from PTSD. I didn't know how to respond to that. I took a moment and jumped into the shower and thought on that the entire time. WebMD and other online sites are good at leading you down the mortality timeline with self-diagnosis where a headache surely means some sort of terminal illness. I strive to not go onto sites like that but when Samantha mentioned PTSD I'm thinking there are a lot of things I do now that I didn't do so much before Jan died. For example - I make the bed often. I clean a lot. I strive to be always helping around the house. Samantha says I "hover" at times when she is cooking. I will put things away (spices, condiments, bread, etc.) when she is cooking to be help clean up only I do this while she is cooking. I know this sounds completely moronic but in my mind I am helping. Even writing this makes me laugh at my own actions. Just acknowledging that I am different than I was before is helpful. So - it only took 3yrs, 11 months, and 23 days for me to figure this out; however, when I looked up PTSD it is different from some of my actions. So - perhaps I am a little OCD and PTSD. Self diagnosis can be a little interesting since I don't have a medical background and I am only looking at things from my own perspective. I think it is safe to say that all diagnosis aside my actions after Jan's death have helped me to understand that I am a little different than I was previously and help me to laugh at myself which I think can be helpful. (don't touch the brush)
On a positive note - my bed looks good. hahahaha
Monday, December 10, 2018
10 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 21 days after The Day)
The day was as I expected. Completely filled with busy work (i.e. emails, phone calls, weekly tasks, etc.). Tonight was spent talking with Emma about colleges. I think she has a lot of options because she is like Jan. She is just an 'A' student. She is planning her senior year. I swear... I feel old with Emma becoming a senior.
In the evening we generally have two kids that love to start having conversations late at night. It is 11:04 PM and Emma is laying on my bed talking about college. I'm such an early bird... I just have difficulty staying awake.
I went to the gym tonight. I'm sore (again). I'm trying to get back into it. I've slacked off over the last few weeks. My thoughts are so disjointed tonight. I think I am just tired.
I realized that I need to have more engaging conversations with the kids. I think I find myself so unfocused in life.
until tomorrow -
In the evening we generally have two kids that love to start having conversations late at night. It is 11:04 PM and Emma is laying on my bed talking about college. I'm such an early bird... I just have difficulty staying awake.
I went to the gym tonight. I'm sore (again). I'm trying to get back into it. I've slacked off over the last few weeks. My thoughts are so disjointed tonight. I think I am just tired.
I realized that I need to have more engaging conversations with the kids. I think I find myself so unfocused in life.
until tomorrow -
Sunday, December 9, 2018
09 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 20 days after The Day)
So today was Sunday. We went to church as normal. Samantha and I have been working through some of the challenges of blending our family and instead of going to Sunday School we spent time talking through some of our thoughts and feelings. It is good to know we are partnering through this. Blending families is not very easy. We then went to our men/women meetings and I stepped out early from mine. The leader invited a guy who was a medic to give an overview of some of the safety gear he has to use when called to save people (i.e. either mountainous or water rescues) and in the process I drifted off to reliving seeing Jan be given CPR and I had to step out to clear my head. Claire was given a balloon in her Sunday school class and she was in very good spirits. We gathered back at the house and I opted to make myself some chicken noodle soup. I was cold. You know the cold that you have internally that you just can't shake? Well - that was me today. I changed out of my suit and into some comfy clothes and wore a hooded jacket. So - I thought chicken noodle soup with some red pepper flakes, carrots, and onions sounded good. It was good. Afterwards I took a nap. Claire was being entertained by Emma and Madilyn and I just crashed. I awoke feeling much better. I think reliving the grief just makes me tired. Anyway - later this evening Samantha got the recipe to make cinnamon tree ornaments and we all made some. I helped Claire make some and she was so cute. We ended the day watching the Chevy Chase film Christmas Vacation (one of my favorites) with the older kids and all had a few laughs.
I recorded her earlier in the day hopping on one of the couch cushions. She just makes me laugh. She is getting big. 4yrs is only a few days away.
After my week in the office I am having to catch up on the day-to-day activities that have been slacking so I would imagine that tomorrow will be filled with a lot of to-do's that have been put off for over a week.
Well - until tomorrow.
I recorded her earlier in the day hopping on one of the couch cushions. She just makes me laugh. She is getting big. 4yrs is only a few days away.
After my week in the office I am having to catch up on the day-to-day activities that have been slacking so I would imagine that tomorrow will be filled with a lot of to-do's that have been put off for over a week.
Well - until tomorrow.
Saturday, December 8, 2018
08 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 19 days after The Day)
So - I have taken a moment this last week. I had to travel to Arlington. It is always a tough time for me to be back in Arlington in December. The weather was rainy and my days were filled with meetings at work. After my first day there I retired to the hotel and was about to head down to the gym when I had a knock on my hotel door. I looked through the peephole and saw Samantha hiding off to the side of the door. I opened the door and was just beside myself. I was speechless. I was so very thankful and shocked that she followed me to Arlington. She arranged for childcare and purchased a ticket a month prior. It was a complete secret and I have no idea how I didn't get a hint of it or anything. Anyway, we were able to spend a few days there after my work as a "vacation". It was nice.
One of Jan and my friends from long ago posted on my Facebook a video about grief. For those that have never lost someone all I can say is it was very touching. It was very real. I both love and hate December. I relive that hellish moment every year and I strive to put on my happy face but for me it has just been a few tears.
So - I'm back and will write again tomorrow.
One of Jan and my friends from long ago posted on my Facebook a video about grief. For those that have never lost someone all I can say is it was very touching. It was very real. I both love and hate December. I relive that hellish moment every year and I strive to put on my happy face but for me it has just been a few tears.
So - I'm back and will write again tomorrow.
Monday, December 3, 2018
03 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 14 days after The Day)
It is humid and cold.... Houston cold here in Utah. It is so darn cold that I can't be outside very long before it is hard to blink. The cold seems to cut through your clothing. I'm ready for summer!
Ammon stayed home from school today. He was coughing up a storm. He also decided to pull a tooth that was loose so I suppose the tooth fairy is going to be busy tonight. We kept him downstairs most of the day to prevent him spreading his germs but after more than a day downstairs the poor kid was just itching to join me upstairs. I have tried to keep the Lysol spray handy and keep reminding him to cover his mouth. Claire is coughing too so that makes for cranky kids. The humidifiers are running full blast so hopefully both Claire and Ammon can get some sleep. Currently Claire is sound asleep but I hear Ammon coughing and coughing. I'm going to get him some medicine to help him cough less.
Emma and Madilyn have taken to a teeny-bopper type of show on TV that is filmed in China. All the language is in Mandarin Chinese with subtitles in English. Is that odd? I think so. I suppose it helps them learn how to read quickly! They look forward to watching it.
Samantha went Christmas shopping tonight. She was trying to get away while the kids were here so she could get some things done. Well - I'm going to take care of Ammon - the poor kid is still coughing.
Until later -
Ammon stayed home from school today. He was coughing up a storm. He also decided to pull a tooth that was loose so I suppose the tooth fairy is going to be busy tonight. We kept him downstairs most of the day to prevent him spreading his germs but after more than a day downstairs the poor kid was just itching to join me upstairs. I have tried to keep the Lysol spray handy and keep reminding him to cover his mouth. Claire is coughing too so that makes for cranky kids. The humidifiers are running full blast so hopefully both Claire and Ammon can get some sleep. Currently Claire is sound asleep but I hear Ammon coughing and coughing. I'm going to get him some medicine to help him cough less.
Emma and Madilyn have taken to a teeny-bopper type of show on TV that is filmed in China. All the language is in Mandarin Chinese with subtitles in English. Is that odd? I think so. I suppose it helps them learn how to read quickly! They look forward to watching it.
Samantha went Christmas shopping tonight. She was trying to get away while the kids were here so she could get some things done. Well - I'm going to take care of Ammon - the poor kid is still coughing.
Until later -
Sunday, December 2, 2018
02 December 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 13 days after The Day)
Well - the holidays are taking a toll on me. I had such a struggle today at church. I suppose I just feel the holidays approaching. For the past few days I have gone to sleep with a migraine and I think I am just stressed out over what the holidays represent. I really want them to be happy and joy-filled but I just get thrown back to 2014 and the hell I lived through.
It snowed today. It snowed enough to cover the everything. This made a bit of effort to get the snow off the vehicle so it could be driven to church. I used the snow as a teaching moment for Emma since she hasn't driven in it yet. She drove both to and from church. I snapped at her on the way home because I felt she wasn't paying attention to the instructions I was giving her. I'm sure she was just acting like a typical 16 year old but I just got frustrated that Jan isn't here to help her. She and Jan have so many similarities so perhaps it wouldn't be good but today I just felt alone in trying to help Emma.
It snowed today. It snowed enough to cover the everything. This made a bit of effort to get the snow off the vehicle so it could be driven to church. I used the snow as a teaching moment for Emma since she hasn't driven in it yet. She drove both to and from church. I snapped at her on the way home because I felt she wasn't paying attention to the instructions I was giving her. I'm sure she was just acting like a typical 16 year old but I just got frustrated that Jan isn't here to help her. She and Jan have so many similarities so perhaps it wouldn't be good but today I just felt alone in trying to help Emma.
Both Ammon and Claire have colds. Bummer. They are coughing a ton. I know it is the season but I hope they both get to feeling better.
Work is winding down or up for the year (depending on how you look at it) and I am working on a presentation I have to give. I find myself getting so into the details for what to present that my presentation ends up being twice as long as it needs to be before I scale it back. This is normal. So - coupling the juggling of stuff I have with work this week with my frustration at Jan has left me feeling deflated. I apologized to Samantha today as I know I have been distant and visibly frustrated. I haven't fully communicated all of this and I think it has just taken me most of the day to identify what has been frustrating me. I think the key to a happy marriage is a whole lot of patience and long suffering! Samantha sure has patience with me. I can only hope I am as patient with her.
On a funny note - Claire can now get into her bed by herself. She is still sleeping in the crib. She is not a climber and is completely content just playing in bed with her stuffed animals. Anyway - she showed me and Samantha the other day that she can get in by climbing up the side leaning 1/2 way in and somersaulting into the bed. It was both scary and funny. She is so good at getting in this way that it just makes Samantha and I laugh every time.
I got a chance to see old friends from church in Arlington, TX that came up to put his work on display as a part of an artist gallery. It was so good to see him and his wife.
Well - I am winding down for the evening. I find myself telling stories to the kids when they are young. Tonight I started one with Ammon and afterwords I thought it was pretty good. I think I will write them down and build on them.
Until next time -
Tuesday, November 27, 2018
27 November 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 8 days after The Day)
So today I came across a tool to find duplicate files. This has to do with the hard drive crashing moment that I dealt with earlier. Anyway - I went ahead and searched a removable hard drive for duplicates. This process takes a while since the program looks at the file structure and not just the name. This enables it to find 100% matches regardless of the name of the file. Anyway - I kicked it off in the beginning of the day and ignored it. By the time the day ended I recalled that I did this and took a look at the findings. I took a trip down memory lane with the pictures it found. I had forgotten about many of them. It seems like it was from another life.
Claire has been very loving to me. Perhaps I am just realizing this but she gives hugs willingly and is so very kind. Don't get me wrong... there are times she is a handful but lately I have just realized how loving and kind she is. I appreciate that.
Samantha's mom and dad found a set of markers that Ammon left in their pickup truck that he had been searching for. I went by and picked them up. He is going to be so happy. I know it sounds silly but I love having a surprise for the kids that they genuinely like. So - he will see them in the morning when he wakes up.
I went to the gym tonight with Madilyn. It seems the holidays has packed a few pounds back on and I am discouraged. I hit the cycle and weights and perhaps that will make up for the pizza tonight. Bahahahahaha.
Until tomorrow -
Claire has been very loving to me. Perhaps I am just realizing this but she gives hugs willingly and is so very kind. Don't get me wrong... there are times she is a handful but lately I have just realized how loving and kind she is. I appreciate that.
Samantha's mom and dad found a set of markers that Ammon left in their pickup truck that he had been searching for. I went by and picked them up. He is going to be so happy. I know it sounds silly but I love having a surprise for the kids that they genuinely like. So - he will see them in the morning when he wakes up.
I went to the gym tonight with Madilyn. It seems the holidays has packed a few pounds back on and I am discouraged. I hit the cycle and weights and perhaps that will make up for the pizza tonight. Bahahahahaha.
Until tomorrow -
Monday, November 26, 2018
26 November 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 7 days after The Day)
So I have really struggled these last few days. I haven't written on this blog mainly because I have been dealing with anger. I am frustrated that Jan died and the kids are having to figure things out. I realize that is something I can't do anything about so I am striving to turn my focus to what I can do. I want to be a positive influence in their lives but it is a challenge when I have grown to dislike the holidays. Both Samantha and I are rooting for January 1st.
The break from work was much needed. I got a chance to just hangout at the house. From time to time I write in another journal (not online) and after a failed hard drive I was moving and organizing files as needed. I came across one entry where I was venting of some of the challenges I was juggling. I still find I juggle the same challenges but as time has gone on I have learned how to work with those challenges. Life is not always lollypops and rainbows... sometimes you just have to accept life is what it is and move forward.
Samantha gave Claire a haircut today. She cut 4 inches and Claire's hair is still super long. I think she was just blessed with hair that grows fast.
The break from work was much needed. I got a chance to just hangout at the house. From time to time I write in another journal (not online) and after a failed hard drive I was moving and organizing files as needed. I came across one entry where I was venting of some of the challenges I was juggling. I still find I juggle the same challenges but as time has gone on I have learned how to work with those challenges. Life is not always lollypops and rainbows... sometimes you just have to accept life is what it is and move forward.
Samantha gave Claire a haircut today. She cut 4 inches and Claire's hair is still super long. I think she was just blessed with hair that grows fast.
Tuesday, November 20, 2018
20 November 2018 (3 years, 11 months, 1 day after The Day)
I took the day off of work. It was good to get things done in the house. I finished preparing the food for the smoker. So far it is three turkeys and two small pork shoulders. I spent some time with Claire today taking her to school and picking her up. It was so cute. She was wearing a little pilgrim's hat made of construction paper when school let out. She loved that thing and was so cute wearing it. I was able to spend some time with the kids when they got home from school as well. That was good.
So - every day I prepare to do a brain dump of all I did for the day. I will do and go and experience things and say "oh yeah.. I need to write about that" but then I get here in the evening and forget. :-(
Samantha and I were in Provo today and there is a Czech bakery called Hruskas. It is a taste of home. When I walk in there it smells like my grandmother's kitchen. We picked up a couple of kolaches. I think I'm eating more carbs than I should but I hardly ever get to Hruskas so I gave myself a break and allowed me to savor the moment. It was so good.
Tomorrow I am hanging out with Ammon and Claire as the older kids take a trip up to Bountiful UT. I am looking forward to just some time with them. They are good kids.
So - every day I prepare to do a brain dump of all I did for the day. I will do and go and experience things and say "oh yeah.. I need to write about that" but then I get here in the evening and forget. :-(
Samantha and I were in Provo today and there is a Czech bakery called Hruskas. It is a taste of home. When I walk in there it smells like my grandmother's kitchen. We picked up a couple of kolaches. I think I'm eating more carbs than I should but I hardly ever get to Hruskas so I gave myself a break and allowed me to savor the moment. It was so good.
Tomorrow I am hanging out with Ammon and Claire as the older kids take a trip up to Bountiful UT. I am looking forward to just some time with them. They are good kids.
Monday, November 19, 2018
19 November 2018 (3 years, 11 months after The Day)
I find myself being selective on what I write about with this blog. It is so easy to vent about certain things but I feel that would take this blog in a very different direction. So - instead I am choosing to find noteworthy things to write about.
I feel stretched thin at times. I suppose that is because life isn't just a breeze but requires grit and determination. All the kids have a gob of different challenges and as a parent I just want to solve them all. I know that isn't possible or recommended since they all learn through their problems but as a parent I want their pains to be lessened.
I am going to start preparing the food for the smoker tomorrow. Thanksgiving is going to be a bit of cooking on my part. I enjoy it.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
18 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 30 days after The Day)
So my neighbor brought over a pork butt late Friday night so I ended up throwing that on the smoker as well. Everyone said their food was good so I was happy about that. The turkey I ended up removing the backbone and cooking it flat. It decreased the cooking time from 30 min/lb to 11 min/lb. I was very surprised. So - round two starting on Thursday morning.
Today was a regular church day. I think it went alright. We talked about how God wants us to make good choices and that if we screw up he is there to help us get back on our feet. This is a pathetic summary statement but suffice it to say there was a lot of good discussion. I think sometimes it is easy to believe you are on your own.
As a family we played charades after dinner. It was fun. This was Claire's first time playing and she just told people what she was acting like or doing. It was really cute. It is amazing how kids just make you genuinely smile. I got her ready for bed, put her in bed, tucked her in, said prayers, and then she looked at me and said "I wuv you daddy" and then rolled over and closed her eyes. She melts my heart.
I'm off most of next week but I do work tomorrow so It will be good to get things wrapped up for the holidays for me. It will be a busy day but it will be good to be done.
I'm off to bed - until later.
Today was a regular church day. I think it went alright. We talked about how God wants us to make good choices and that if we screw up he is there to help us get back on our feet. This is a pathetic summary statement but suffice it to say there was a lot of good discussion. I think sometimes it is easy to believe you are on your own.
As a family we played charades after dinner. It was fun. This was Claire's first time playing and she just told people what she was acting like or doing. It was really cute. It is amazing how kids just make you genuinely smile. I got her ready for bed, put her in bed, tucked her in, said prayers, and then she looked at me and said "I wuv you daddy" and then rolled over and closed her eyes. She melts my heart.
I'm off most of next week but I do work tomorrow so It will be good to get things wrapped up for the holidays for me. It will be a busy day but it will be good to be done.
I'm off to bed - until later.
Friday, November 16, 2018
16 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 28 days after The Day)
During the day I kept hearing the sound of a chainsaw. This was on and off all day long. Towards the evening Claire came into my office and pulled me outside to show how a limb had fallen into our yard. I spoke with our neighbor and understood he was cleaning up a lot of trees on his property. Through this discussion I found out that my neighbor (Layne Atwood) passed away. This apparently happened last Tuesday when I was out of town. I feel horrible that I wasn't here to support his wife. I wanted to go by to offer my condolences but it was getting dark and the lights were out on their home. I am just shocked since I saw him the Sunday before I left for Arlington. Death really shakes me up since I can appreciate being the one left trying to figure things out.
I'm cooking for a number of my neighbors tonight/tomorrow and again on Wed/Thurs. It will be interesting as it is supposed to snow tonight. yay. Last time I cooked the temps outside were cool enough that the gap on my smoker allowed a breeze to flow in making the temps lower. I need a welding blanket or something to drape over my smoker so the temp will be constant.
Well - I'm off to prepare the meat.
Round 1: 25 lb turkey, 6 lb brisket, and 1 turkey roast.
Round 2: 3 or 4 smaller turkeys and some pulled pork (maybe a brisket if I can get one)
I'm cooking for a number of my neighbors tonight/tomorrow and again on Wed/Thurs. It will be interesting as it is supposed to snow tonight. yay. Last time I cooked the temps outside were cool enough that the gap on my smoker allowed a breeze to flow in making the temps lower. I need a welding blanket or something to drape over my smoker so the temp will be constant.
Well - I'm off to prepare the meat.
Round 1: 25 lb turkey, 6 lb brisket, and 1 turkey roast.
Round 2: 3 or 4 smaller turkeys and some pulled pork (maybe a brisket if I can get one)
Thursday, November 15, 2018
15 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 27 days after The Day)
Today Samantha drove North to visit her mother-in-law and I was at home alone since the kids were at school. It is always odd when I am home alone. Since Penny (the dog) is gone is is really quiet. Penny would always visit me in my office and sleep there while I worked. Now it is just quiet.
Speaking of Penny - we picked up her ashes from the vet today. I am always frustrated with vets and funeral homes that take advantage of those who have lost a loved one. They make you feel cheap if you don't get buy the expensive thing... So - we brought home a cedar box with her ashes and the cedar box is cheap. It is frustrating since we spent a chunk of $ on it.
I laugh at Claire at night. We put her in bed and either she is a little upset or she will be ready to go. When she is ready to go she will lie down and say "goodnight daddy" and that is that. I swear she is a gift from heaven. She is finally (fingers crossed) potty trained. So happy day. Now we are working on getting her through the night without a diaper. One day at a time. But - on a positive note she is not a climber so she is not trying to get out of her bed.
Well - until tomorrow -
Speaking of Penny - we picked up her ashes from the vet today. I am always frustrated with vets and funeral homes that take advantage of those who have lost a loved one. They make you feel cheap if you don't get buy the expensive thing... So - we brought home a cedar box with her ashes and the cedar box is cheap. It is frustrating since we spent a chunk of $ on it.
I laugh at Claire at night. We put her in bed and either she is a little upset or she will be ready to go. When she is ready to go she will lie down and say "goodnight daddy" and that is that. I swear she is a gift from heaven. She is finally (fingers crossed) potty trained. So happy day. Now we are working on getting her through the night without a diaper. One day at a time. But - on a positive note she is not a climber so she is not trying to get out of her bed.
Well - until tomorrow -
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
14 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 26 days after The Day)
So far we have 4 kids driving and one is married. Keeping up with the kids in the house and their schedules is nuts. Seriously. They are all going and coming at different times. I strive to have dinner together but lately it has been very difficult since they are all going different directions and at different times. Today after work Samantha was making dinner for the kids since they were eating early to go to various activities. After they went every which way she and I ate and I got Claire in the shower. After she got cleaned up and ready for bed I found myself listening to David Attenborough as we watched a nature documentary on Netflix.
I vented a bit today at the frustration of the passing of both Jan and Justin. I still have frustration and anger. I feel it makes me look like I don't love and appreciate Samantha.
I both love and detest electronic screens. It seems we are always looking at them.
I vented a bit today at the frustration of the passing of both Jan and Justin. I still have frustration and anger. I feel it makes me look like I don't love and appreciate Samantha.
I both love and detest electronic screens. It seems we are always looking at them.
Monday, November 12, 2018
12 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 24 days after The Day)
So I think I realized why I was feeling angry yesterday. It had to do with today. Today was my 18th wedding anniversary with Jan. So - Happy Anniversary Jan! It is weird to be moving forward in a completely different life. I think my anger had to do with the fact that I think the kids have been robbed of not having their Mom. Justin (Samantha's late husband) also left early in life robbing his kids of a father. Both Samantha and I are stand-ins for each other's kids. We do our best but this is a tough road at times. I never thought I would be step-parent. Oh well. I'm glad I can be there for them.
Well - I went to the gym tonight and can barely move my arms. It seems the best reminder these days is age. It helps remind us that we are no longer 20 even though we think we can still do the same things!
Being honest - I could use a piece of cake but I am too sore to get to the kitchen.
Well - I went to the gym tonight and can barely move my arms. It seems the best reminder these days is age. It helps remind us that we are no longer 20 even though we think we can still do the same things!
Being honest - I could use a piece of cake but I am too sore to get to the kitchen.
Sunday, November 11, 2018
11 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 23 days after The Day)
Today was a normal church day. I got a chance to sing a bit with all the men in a impromptu song which was actually nice. We came home after church and I got a chance to spend some one-on-one time driving around with Samantha. It was good. I then came back to the house and slept for a while. Claire has been super cranky lately. It seems the "terrible 2s" has moved to 3s for her. She is so incredibly headstrong. She wants to do things her way ALL THE TIME. It is funny and extremely frustrating at times. She is also fighting a cold so I wonder how much of the crankiness is from this phase in her life vs. her being sick. We took her to the doctor and have her on some meds but man... she is one bear when she doesn't get her way.
I am battling anger tonight. No idea what triggered it. I just have a lot of frustration and nothing really to point at as a source. :-|
Well - perhaps I can sleep it off. Until tomorrow.
I am battling anger tonight. No idea what triggered it. I just have a lot of frustration and nothing really to point at as a source. :-|
Well - perhaps I can sleep it off. Until tomorrow.
Saturday, November 10, 2018
10 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 22 days after The Day)
Today I helped clean the church. Sometimes there are others that help and today was one of those days. The cleaning went quick. When I came home I watched a movie with Samantha - Deepwater Horizon. That is the story of the explosion that occurred due to cost-cutting measures. I thought it was a good movie and did a fair job at showing the importance of doing what is right when the acquisition of money is driving many decisions.
This evening I took Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon to see Stephen Beus perform. He is a neighbor and friend of ours and is one of the best pianists I have ever heard. If you ever get the chance to hear him - it will be worth your time. Feel free to youtube his name and listen to some of his work. It is amazing.
Tonight I am struggling with helping my kids to overcome challenges they don't even realize they have. Samantha suggested I say things directly to them but it is difficult for me since they remind me so much of Jan. I wouldn't use that method to talk to Jan and yet - I believe it may be the only way with my kids. :-|
Well - I'm tired and mentally drained. Until tomorrow.
This evening I took Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon to see Stephen Beus perform. He is a neighbor and friend of ours and is one of the best pianists I have ever heard. If you ever get the chance to hear him - it will be worth your time. Feel free to youtube his name and listen to some of his work. It is amazing.
Tonight I am struggling with helping my kids to overcome challenges they don't even realize they have. Samantha suggested I say things directly to them but it is difficult for me since they remind me so much of Jan. I wouldn't use that method to talk to Jan and yet - I believe it may be the only way with my kids. :-|
Well - I'm tired and mentally drained. Until tomorrow.
Friday, November 9, 2018
9 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 21 days after The Day)
I traveled back to Utah today. It was busy at the airport (duh ... it is Friday) and the train was absolutely packed. There were tons of people who were standing. I felt bad because my luggage was taking up room for people to stand.
I went to a play that Alex was in and then picked up Madilyn from a friends home. By the time I got home I was super tired. I was able to visit with all the kids except Claire. I'm running on fumes at this point so I am going to bed. It is good to be home even though it is not in Texas... it is home.
Tomorrow will be busy!
I went to a play that Alex was in and then picked up Madilyn from a friends home. By the time I got home I was super tired. I was able to visit with all the kids except Claire. I'm running on fumes at this point so I am going to bed. It is good to be home even though it is not in Texas... it is home.
Tomorrow will be busy!
8 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 20 days after The Day)
So today was a super productive day. We met with a vendor and accomplished a lot. I seem to be juggling a ton at work so anytime I feel like I tackle a few subjects it brings me joy.
I stopped by and visited with Jan yesterday evening. With daylight savings and winter upon us it was super dark at 6:30. I had to use the light from my phone to be able to walk. Before Jan died I thought cemeteries were spooky but now I think they are very peaceful. The night was cool and crisp. So - I had a chat and after the visit I went back to the hotel to eat. I thought I would eat there while I visited Jan but it was so dark I really couldn't see anything. So - I went back to the hotel. When I visit Jan I feel bad leaving but I remind myself that she is with me at times and that helps me not have bad feelings for leaving the cemetery.
I stopped by and visited with Jan yesterday evening. With daylight savings and winter upon us it was super dark at 6:30. I had to use the light from my phone to be able to walk. Before Jan died I thought cemeteries were spooky but now I think they are very peaceful. The night was cool and crisp. So - I had a chat and after the visit I went back to the hotel to eat. I thought I would eat there while I visited Jan but it was so dark I really couldn't see anything. So - I went back to the hotel. When I visit Jan I feel bad leaving but I remind myself that she is with me at times and that helps me not have bad feelings for leaving the cemetery.
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
7 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 19 days after The Day)
So, today I got to eat lunch with a good friend. It was good catching up. I have often thought of how friends help to share burdens so you don't feel overwhelmed. Both Jan and Samantha do this as well but it is nice to have friends that understand where you come from.
I sometimes think about things so deeply that my chain of thought takes me to entirely different problems. Maybe that is normal. I enjoy pondering things. I wonder if Jan sees me now and what she thinks of things. I wonder if there are things that happen in life that are a result of her. I wonder if it will feel "normal" to see Jan again after years of separation.
Is it only me or do you find yourself watching a movie and being so distracted at the actor because they look familiar but you cannot place where you have seen them? For me I am so distracted that I cannot really focus on the movie until I place where I have seen the actor. That happens to me a lot.
Tonight I am rambling on about nothing- so - I am going to bed. Until later.
.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
6 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 18 days after The Day)
Meetings meetings meetings. That is a summary of the day. Claire has been cranky and Samantha has injured her foot. On the positive side - the garage is fixed. :-)
After taking that test I wrote about yesterday, I am looking at others determining what their talents are. I know we all have some so it is fun to look at people to see what they do naturally well.
Voting is today. There is a lot of TV coverage. I hope and pray we can get the divided nation to come back together.
I'm tired - I'm off to bed.
After taking that test I wrote about yesterday, I am looking at others determining what their talents are. I know we all have some so it is fun to look at people to see what they do naturally well.
Voting is today. There is a lot of TV coverage. I hope and pray we can get the divided nation to come back together.
I'm tired - I'm off to bed.
5 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 17 days after The Day)
Today was a long day. I took the train into town and it was a day that the police were there checking tickets. The SLC police are so very kind. When I rode the train in Houston the police would rush the train and it was very intimidating.
I read a book that stated that if you could focus on what your natural talents are that you will be very effective in your job/life. The reference was regarding Rudy Ruettiger vs. Joe Montana. Rudy (the star of the movie "Rudy") didn't have athletic talent but he had a tenacious (never-say-die) drive to play for Notre Dame. He worked tirelessly. He applied to Notre Dame multiple times and finally got accepted. He tried out for the football team and was too small to play but he helped the team practice. After 4 years he was able to play on the last play of the game of his senior year. While the movie highlighted his severe determination and drive to accomplish his dream despite the fact that everyone was against him - the author of this book highlighted the fact that Joe Montana also played for Notre Dame and how different the outcome is when you partner Rudy's drive with natural talent. That being said they have an online test to help identify your talents so you know where to focus your energies. I took the test. No surprises for me for what it said are my talents. Now - on to focus on them to be my best. I think this approach makes sense. I'm excited to see the results.
I read a book that stated that if you could focus on what your natural talents are that you will be very effective in your job/life. The reference was regarding Rudy Ruettiger vs. Joe Montana. Rudy (the star of the movie "Rudy") didn't have athletic talent but he had a tenacious (never-say-die) drive to play for Notre Dame. He worked tirelessly. He applied to Notre Dame multiple times and finally got accepted. He tried out for the football team and was too small to play but he helped the team practice. After 4 years he was able to play on the last play of the game of his senior year. While the movie highlighted his severe determination and drive to accomplish his dream despite the fact that everyone was against him - the author of this book highlighted the fact that Joe Montana also played for Notre Dame and how different the outcome is when you partner Rudy's drive with natural talent. That being said they have an online test to help identify your talents so you know where to focus your energies. I took the test. No surprises for me for what it said are my talents. Now - on to focus on them to be my best. I think this approach makes sense. I'm excited to see the results.
Sunday, November 4, 2018
4 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 16 days after The Day)
Today was a church day. It was the normal routine of getting everyone to church early to claim a bench big enough for everyone. Church overall was good. We talked a bit about holding grudges and I reflected on my dad. I suppose everyone later in life reflects on things about their parents. For me and my dad we had a splintered relationship. He said and did things early in my life that for me really broke our relationship. I wanted him to be different than he was and it took me a long time to realize that the only change I would ever see was going to be myself changing by not expecting him to be different. He died a few months before Jan and we never really reconciled. I learned a lot from my dad and I count him as a core contributor to me being who I am today. My dad's negative traits I recognized as something I didn't want in my life and that really helped me be a different person. I realized that forgiveness is something that is important for the person offended because holding onto that pain can be debilitating as the years go by. I also realized that I probably have offended many over the years and am completely oblivious to it. I know it is a pointless effort to live your life in a way where you are constantly afraid of offending people. In this day and age it seems that everyone is offended about everything. I'm sure people reading this blog have been offended by something I have said. If so - I am sorry. I may be ignorant of the offense but I am not ignorant of the fact that I am human and make mistakes. Anyway - the point is the lesson today helped me with a lot of self-reflection time to think on ways I have held grudges and what I can do to be free of them.
So - I played a "would you rather" game with Ammon and Alex this afternoon. It was really hilarious to see their thoughts on different weird scenarios.
Saturday, November 3, 2018
3 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 15 days after The Day)
10,800 steps by 3:20pm today. I'm tired. I struggle getting the kids to work and own their work. I find it easier to just do the task myself than to go through the painful process of getting them to help. It is a disservice to me and them. I know.
Claire has very cute phrases. She crawled up on the bed after I collapsed from my 1st round of cleaning and said "Dad - you play me" she then put her stuffed animal dog in my hand. By the time she did this I was already in bed covered up. She then persisted in me playing with the dog while she responded to me moving the dog around. She can be a bit bossy. It is funny (now). She is very determined and headstrong. I'm sure it is a bit of both Jan and me so it will be interesting to see how she grows up. She and Emma are a lot alike.
Emma Jane drove down from Logan and is spending the day with Samantha. It is good that she is here. I enjoy her company. Her husband, Spencer, is still up in Logan.
Samantha and I are trying different types of food from time to time. We have tried a number of Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Indian, and Vietnamese restaurants. So far they are all good. I am trying to branch out. When I was a kid Jan introduced me to Chinese food. I refused to really eat anything that was different. I'm a big chicken. Anyway - over the years I have gotten a bit more adventurous when it comes to trying new foods. It may be #MarkWeins rubbing off on me. hahahaha
Yesterday I heard the most horrific sound come from the garage. A huge bang accompanying by a repetitive banging. Any guesses? The spring for the garage. It is done - snapped in half. It nearly broke the garage door opener as the motor was pulling the belt over each tooth on the gear making a repetitive banging as it tried to lift the garage door. I called the service company and they will be out on Tuesday.
-until later
Claire has very cute phrases. She crawled up on the bed after I collapsed from my 1st round of cleaning and said "Dad - you play me" she then put her stuffed animal dog in my hand. By the time she did this I was already in bed covered up. She then persisted in me playing with the dog while she responded to me moving the dog around. She can be a bit bossy. It is funny (now). She is very determined and headstrong. I'm sure it is a bit of both Jan and me so it will be interesting to see how she grows up. She and Emma are a lot alike.
Emma Jane drove down from Logan and is spending the day with Samantha. It is good that she is here. I enjoy her company. Her husband, Spencer, is still up in Logan.
Samantha and I are trying different types of food from time to time. We have tried a number of Chinese, Thai, Mexican, Indian, and Vietnamese restaurants. So far they are all good. I am trying to branch out. When I was a kid Jan introduced me to Chinese food. I refused to really eat anything that was different. I'm a big chicken. Anyway - over the years I have gotten a bit more adventurous when it comes to trying new foods. It may be #MarkWeins rubbing off on me. hahahaha
Yesterday I heard the most horrific sound come from the garage. A huge bang accompanying by a repetitive banging. Any guesses? The spring for the garage. It is done - snapped in half. It nearly broke the garage door opener as the motor was pulling the belt over each tooth on the gear making a repetitive banging as it tried to lift the garage door. I called the service company and they will be out on Tuesday.
-until later
Friday, November 2, 2018
2 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 14 days after The Day)
Well- it is now the countdown to Christmas. Right? Well - at least it feels this way to me. Oh ... and also voting. I know there are various political stances out there and this isn't meant to be poking at any party but holy crap! I mean - let's just all focus on things we disagree on! wow! I have learned one thing in having a conversation with someone I don't get along with is it is much easier if you talk about things you do have in common. Having each party vilify each other is getting old. It is on ALL news channels. The sad thing is there seems to be so much polarization on the subject that taking a stand on something you believe in will likely result in a public flogging. I have told my children to stand for what is right. I know that is open to interpretation just like political slogans are open to interpretation as well (i.e. "change we can believe in" or "make America great again"). I suppose the point of the rambling is that voting is upon us. I count that as a sacred duty for us all to do.
I went to the gym tonight with Madilyn. We walked the track for a little over a mile and then hit the weights a bit. It was good talking with her. I feel that many of the kids just get lost in the shuffle of activity and I was thankful to have a moment to talk with her. She has such goodness in her. She reminds me of my mom. My mom and Madilyn both serve people. That is just a God given talent.
Claire is (fingers crossed) officially potty trained. She gave into bribery of candy and I think we have enough progress on that point that we are good without the candy which is exciting. She really is the sweetest little girl. "I yuv you dad" is a common phrase. She really has my heart.
Samantha and I have been watching Mark Weins on YouTube. I don't know if you have ever heard of him but he travels the globe eating local food and giving commentary. We really enjoy watching him. I think it is because of his kind heart and the fact that he really enjoys a lot of weird food and he is fun to watch.
Well- on that note - I'm stepping away to watch Mark Weins.
I went to the gym tonight with Madilyn. We walked the track for a little over a mile and then hit the weights a bit. It was good talking with her. I feel that many of the kids just get lost in the shuffle of activity and I was thankful to have a moment to talk with her. She has such goodness in her. She reminds me of my mom. My mom and Madilyn both serve people. That is just a God given talent.
Claire is (fingers crossed) officially potty trained. She gave into bribery of candy and I think we have enough progress on that point that we are good without the candy which is exciting. She really is the sweetest little girl. "I yuv you dad" is a common phrase. She really has my heart.
Samantha and I have been watching Mark Weins on YouTube. I don't know if you have ever heard of him but he travels the globe eating local food and giving commentary. We really enjoy watching him. I think it is because of his kind heart and the fact that he really enjoys a lot of weird food and he is fun to watch.
Well- on that note - I'm stepping away to watch Mark Weins.
Thursday, November 1, 2018
1 November 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 13 days after The Day)
Candy.
Anyone want candy? My kids brought home candy that should be measured by weight... not amount. It is nuts. This reminds me of this silly answer to a math question -
I was absolutely exhausted last night. I think it is just the holidays. I am not a fan. The kids have a thousand things to do towards the end of the year and at times I feel like a dementor from the Harry Potter series is just sucking the energy from my soul.
I awoke today feeling tired. I have a gob of things to do at work and as I contemplate everything that needs to be done I become a bit tired. I generally have a plan for getting everything accomplished but lately I have had so much on my plate that I realize I need help or rather - I cannot accomplish all that I need to the same way I always have. Therein lies the challenge. Change is challenging by itself but add a mountain of work and responsibility and it becomes a crushing weight. But - it is doable. Not easy... but it is doable.
I have wondered why I have started writing in this blog again. As you know - there has been a large gap from daily to weekly to monthly to whenever. I realized that typing things out for me has been helpful if nothing more than just getting a moment to do a brain dump. Perhaps it is because of everything I have going on. Who knows.
Here is a random thought - Since January, Samantha and I have been faithfully going to the gym and eating better. I'm not a fan of "diets" because change from these diets are rarely permanent and people are only temporarily successful in their goal setting. I honestly don't think people really have goals. I think most people say "I want to be as thin as I was in high school" but don't put a date to when they want this accomplished. For me I didn't want any drastic change because I wanted it to be long-term. I wanted results in a year's time. I thought I didn't stack on the weight in a month so why am I trying to lose it in a month. So I opted to just change the way I eat and to begin to be more active. I called my sister in December and she told me some simple things to do which helped me get on this path. Since that time I dropped 35lbs and gained a fair amount of muscle. This has been good but I realized that when I went on the cruise and then later came home- my gym habits evaporated. I did go to the gym on the ship but for me going to the gym before the cruise was a daily decompression which was helpful. I would go grudgingly but afterward feel much better. I think that is where my blogging went - it allowed me self-reflection time while working out. Anyway - the point is the cruise added some weight back on and that is always discouraging. I'm going to the gym tonight and while I am not a fan of cardio - it will be my date. :-|
Until later -
Anyone want candy? My kids brought home candy that should be measured by weight... not amount. It is nuts. This reminds me of this silly answer to a math question -
I was absolutely exhausted last night. I think it is just the holidays. I am not a fan. The kids have a thousand things to do towards the end of the year and at times I feel like a dementor from the Harry Potter series is just sucking the energy from my soul.
I have wondered why I have started writing in this blog again. As you know - there has been a large gap from daily to weekly to monthly to whenever. I realized that typing things out for me has been helpful if nothing more than just getting a moment to do a brain dump. Perhaps it is because of everything I have going on. Who knows.
Here is a random thought - Since January, Samantha and I have been faithfully going to the gym and eating better. I'm not a fan of "diets" because change from these diets are rarely permanent and people are only temporarily successful in their goal setting. I honestly don't think people really have goals. I think most people say "I want to be as thin as I was in high school" but don't put a date to when they want this accomplished. For me I didn't want any drastic change because I wanted it to be long-term. I wanted results in a year's time. I thought I didn't stack on the weight in a month so why am I trying to lose it in a month. So I opted to just change the way I eat and to begin to be more active. I called my sister in December and she told me some simple things to do which helped me get on this path. Since that time I dropped 35lbs and gained a fair amount of muscle. This has been good but I realized that when I went on the cruise and then later came home- my gym habits evaporated. I did go to the gym on the ship but for me going to the gym before the cruise was a daily decompression which was helpful. I would go grudgingly but afterward feel much better. I think that is where my blogging went - it allowed me self-reflection time while working out. Anyway - the point is the cruise added some weight back on and that is always discouraging. I'm going to the gym tonight and while I am not a fan of cardio - it will be my date. :-|
Until later -
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
31 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 12 days after The Day)
Happy Halloween.
I went to bed thinking of my last post about my pets and realized it may be worth sharing an experience I had a few months back. The house was crazy busy. People were coming and going. Kids banging stuff in the kitchen. I was in my office and saw my wife walk by. I was at a stopping point so I followed her into the bedroom. She turned a corner into our bathroom and I followed her there only to find myself alone. I thought she was maybe in the closet digging for something but she wasn't. I looked in the the shower and she was not there either. She up and vanished before me. There is no way back to the house except by passing me so it was really odd. I walked into the kitchen befuddled and found her sitting at the island in the kitchen using her laptop. I was thoroughly confused. I asked her if she was just in the bedroom and she said no. I related this story to her and asked her "who did I just follow into the bedroom??" she said "well- I guess you followed Jan". I know this may give you a "spooky" feeling but for me I just smiled. I smiled because I have moved 1200 miles away from the home Jan and I had together and to know she has been in our home here brings me comfort. Samantha then related that at times she will walk past the front room where the piano is. She has said on multiple occasions she has seen a woman standing or sitting by the piano. Again - you may think this is spooky but for me I just smiled. I am a firm believer that our family stays close by and stories like this bring me comfort.
My grandmother related a story when she was in her 70's. She lived in an older part of Houston where crime was prevalent. She said she was sound asleep when her husband sat by her bed, put his hand on her hip gently woke her and said "Oneda - you need to get up". She woke up - her husband who passed away over 30 years before was not there and the apartment was quiet. It was just a dream. She got up and went into the living room to see her front door ajar. She shut and locked the door. The next day she went outside to see boot impressions in the flowerbed under the living room window. I think on this and again - just smile that my grandfather was watching out for his wife and never really left her - 30 years later after many moves he was still there for her. When my grandmother told the story she just smiled when she reflected on her husband being there for her. I get it.
Well- tonight my kids are going trick-or-treating. Shouldn't there be an age limit to this?? Some kids just show up with a pillowcase and no costume. I open the door and am like... er... what are you? When Jan and I lived in Houston there was a guy with a chainsaw (no chain) and the full makeup and outfit to boot that would strike fear in adults (not to mention kids). He would slowly walk around and randomly start up the chainsaw and raise it above his head. This led to many kids just going to a different neighborhood. Many parents had to talk to this guy and he eventually got the message. So far in my new neighborhood I rarely get kids that stop by at all which means I am left with a bucket of candy. That is the last thing my kids need... More sugar. I wonder if my house is just "creepy" or something. I recall as a kid there were houses we avoided. One guy on our block in Houston was "re-roofing" his house the entire time we lived there (over 30 yrs). His house was two steps away from looking abandoned and needless to say not many kids stopped by. We lived across the street from Bellaire High School and walking home every day I would pass his house and wondered who lived there. It reminded me of the house that Boo Radley from the book To Kill a Mockingbird lived in.
Until later -
I went to bed thinking of my last post about my pets and realized it may be worth sharing an experience I had a few months back. The house was crazy busy. People were coming and going. Kids banging stuff in the kitchen. I was in my office and saw my wife walk by. I was at a stopping point so I followed her into the bedroom. She turned a corner into our bathroom and I followed her there only to find myself alone. I thought she was maybe in the closet digging for something but she wasn't. I looked in the the shower and she was not there either. She up and vanished before me. There is no way back to the house except by passing me so it was really odd. I walked into the kitchen befuddled and found her sitting at the island in the kitchen using her laptop. I was thoroughly confused. I asked her if she was just in the bedroom and she said no. I related this story to her and asked her "who did I just follow into the bedroom??" she said "well- I guess you followed Jan". I know this may give you a "spooky" feeling but for me I just smiled. I smiled because I have moved 1200 miles away from the home Jan and I had together and to know she has been in our home here brings me comfort. Samantha then related that at times she will walk past the front room where the piano is. She has said on multiple occasions she has seen a woman standing or sitting by the piano. Again - you may think this is spooky but for me I just smiled. I am a firm believer that our family stays close by and stories like this bring me comfort.
My grandmother related a story when she was in her 70's. She lived in an older part of Houston where crime was prevalent. She said she was sound asleep when her husband sat by her bed, put his hand on her hip gently woke her and said "Oneda - you need to get up". She woke up - her husband who passed away over 30 years before was not there and the apartment was quiet. It was just a dream. She got up and went into the living room to see her front door ajar. She shut and locked the door. The next day she went outside to see boot impressions in the flowerbed under the living room window. I think on this and again - just smile that my grandfather was watching out for his wife and never really left her - 30 years later after many moves he was still there for her. When my grandmother told the story she just smiled when she reflected on her husband being there for her. I get it.
Well- tonight my kids are going trick-or-treating. Shouldn't there be an age limit to this?? Some kids just show up with a pillowcase and no costume. I open the door and am like... er... what are you? When Jan and I lived in Houston there was a guy with a chainsaw (no chain) and the full makeup and outfit to boot that would strike fear in adults (not to mention kids). He would slowly walk around and randomly start up the chainsaw and raise it above his head. This led to many kids just going to a different neighborhood. Many parents had to talk to this guy and he eventually got the message. So far in my new neighborhood I rarely get kids that stop by at all which means I am left with a bucket of candy. That is the last thing my kids need... More sugar. I wonder if my house is just "creepy" or something. I recall as a kid there were houses we avoided. One guy on our block in Houston was "re-roofing" his house the entire time we lived there (over 30 yrs). His house was two steps away from looking abandoned and needless to say not many kids stopped by. We lived across the street from Bellaire High School and walking home every day I would pass his house and wondered who lived there. It reminded me of the house that Boo Radley from the book To Kill a Mockingbird lived in.
Until later -
Tuesday, October 30, 2018
30 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 11 days after The Day)
So today was "just another day". I had an interesting experience earlier today. I walked into my bedroom and could have sworn that I saw my black cat sleeping on some freshly laundered and folded clothes (typical). The challenge with this is my cat passed away shortly after Jan died. With Penny's death so recent I am thinking about all the pets I have had over the years. I grew up with Great Danes at my dad's home and a mutt (small dog) at my mom's home. I wonder if our pets hang out with us after they die. When my little black cat died I was in the house but not by her. I knew she was not well and it was a matter of time (hours or days) before she passed. I was writing in this blog (I believe) and I swore I saw my cat walk toward me from the other side of the house in my peripheral vision. The cat was walking without any issue so I knew something was off. I blinked and the cat was gone. I jumped up and went to where I saw my cat walk from and found her dead. (The post from that time was 27 June 2015 (189 days after The Day)) From that moment I have thought our pets perhaps hang out for a while. Seeing my cat today made me laugh that even in the after-life my cat is laying on clothes that are clean. In a way I felt like our pets still stay around. I have felt that way about Jan from time to time and that brings me comfort that she is experiencing our kids growing up. I still get frustrated that I have to teach my kids to drive. :-|
Anyway - So while it is on the eve of Halloween and I didn't intend to share a "ghost story", I felt this one was sweet and made me smile.
Anyway - So while it is on the eve of Halloween and I didn't intend to share a "ghost story", I felt this one was sweet and made me smile.
Monday, October 29, 2018
29 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 10 days after The Day)
So today is getting back into the swing of things for me. I took off last week and went on vacation. Samantha and I saved up and went on a cruise. I have never been on a cruise before so this was new to me. If you have the opportunity to go I suggest you do. I thought it was great. My phone didn't work while I was at sea which meant I couldn't work and was able to relax. I came back to work and had over 250 emails to wade through. While it was good to get away it seems that life seems to through the tough life trials at the kids when we are away. One day after we left our little dachshund named Penny had two discs in her spine go awry which left her paralyzed and unable to control her bladder and bowels. When Samantha and I touched land and connected our phones we were able to help my mom (who was watching everyone while we were on vacation) coordinate the events of that day. After much discussion we decided to put her down. It was so tough on everyone. I think dogs do a good job at just loving you the way you are. I think that is why it hurts so bad when they die. Penny was a very sweet dog. We all miss her and the reminders of her remind me of Jan's passing. All the little things make us sad all over again... With Jan it was her purse, clothes, phone, food she liked in the fridge/pantry, etc. With Penny it is her collar, her food and water bowl, her container of food, and her dog bed.
For me recently I have struggled remembering my life when Jan was alive. In a way I have forgotten. I have buried my old self and started anew. While this has allowed me to function at times I reflect on things I should remember but just have a difficult time doing.
I was talking with Ammon this morning about life trials. Sometimes life throws lots of curve balls at you and I am a believer that God helps to mold you and make you better. The process is messy and painful but in the end you can emerge better than before the trial. During that discussion I reflected on the painful things I have endured in my life and I think each has made me better. I have learned to love more, to appreciate more, to be a better parent, to be driven, to persevere and be tenacious in accomplishing my goals. I feel I learned more in talking to Ammon than I did when others talk to me. I suppose I realized the old saying of "you teach once you learn twice".
So - my mom is flying back to Houston tomorrow. It will be sad to see her go home since I only got to visit with her for a short time before and after our trip. I'm so thankful that she was able to spend time with the kiddos. I know she enjoys visiting with the kids even though it is a bit chaotic with all the kids and their schedules.
Well - I'm hoping my memories of Jan don't fade further... I feel as if I really just don't remember much. Is that a blessing? Sometimes I say yes... sometimes I say no. Today - I say no.
Until later -
For me recently I have struggled remembering my life when Jan was alive. In a way I have forgotten. I have buried my old self and started anew. While this has allowed me to function at times I reflect on things I should remember but just have a difficult time doing.
I was talking with Ammon this morning about life trials. Sometimes life throws lots of curve balls at you and I am a believer that God helps to mold you and make you better. The process is messy and painful but in the end you can emerge better than before the trial. During that discussion I reflected on the painful things I have endured in my life and I think each has made me better. I have learned to love more, to appreciate more, to be a better parent, to be driven, to persevere and be tenacious in accomplishing my goals. I feel I learned more in talking to Ammon than I did when others talk to me. I suppose I realized the old saying of "you teach once you learn twice".
So - my mom is flying back to Houston tomorrow. It will be sad to see her go home since I only got to visit with her for a short time before and after our trip. I'm so thankful that she was able to spend time with the kiddos. I know she enjoys visiting with the kids even though it is a bit chaotic with all the kids and their schedules.
Well - I'm hoping my memories of Jan don't fade further... I feel as if I really just don't remember much. Is that a blessing? Sometimes I say yes... sometimes I say no. Today - I say no.
Until later -
Sunday, July 29, 2018
29 July 2018 (3 years, 7 months, 10 days after The Day)
Today was just a normal day in many ways. There was nothing out of the normal. We woke up, ate breakfast, went to church, came home, and spent time together as a family. I have noticed and even written in past blog entries that I am invigorated by writing and have committed to do this more often. I suppose as I reflect on this I think my "brain dump" moments do have quite a healing effect upon me. I was reflecting on Jan the other day. As I reflected I realized that I had forgotten a lot. I don't know why and I was severely troubled by this. I have worked with my kiddos as they struggle to remember even the little things but for me to forget is really troublesome. I knew Jan for many years before we were married and we were married for 15. I wonder how someone can forget things. I had a couple of take-aways from this mental exercise.
- There was a comment made by someone (I can't remember who- and the irony of that statement in relation to the others below is sad but a little comical) that when someone dies the stories they tell die with them. The stories that they would share about you or about them or about situations in life - die.
- I realize that I am forgetting things. There are sad stories with someone who's parent suffers from Alzheimer's disease where they forget their own children and are quite content living in a state of regressed memories. I know that I have forgotten things and I think that is what is so unsettling. I am not content. I just can't remember certain things about Jan and it worried me to the point where I spoke with my mom and wife about it. Alzheimer's disease is not common in my family but this event sure had me researching if it was and helping me to self-diagnose what I could be experiencing!
So - what does this mean? Who knows. I know that I know. That is all I know. On one hand I can recall like yesterday interacting with Jan and doing normal life routines. On the other hand it seems like a dream. I suppose that is what has me sad.
I reluctantly went to the gym the other day when I was feeling blue. I was impressed with how quickly I rebounded from these sad feelings. I don't enjoy the gym. I have lost weight and am living healthier but I don't look at the gym as a "happy place". So, for me to experience the immediate change in my mood after going there was quite profound. I learned I have a resource when I feel this way.
Well - that is it for now.
Saturday, April 7, 2018
07 April 2018 (3 years, 3 months, 19 days after The Day)
Today started like any other day. Claire was awake and calling for someone to get her. I got up and got her fed and settled. My phone buzzed with a text from a fellow who owns an orchard nearby. I had corresponded with him about getting some wood in exchange for some BBQ. I spent the last weekend smoking about 80 lbs of meat.
That BBQ run ended up being the following:
brisket (1)
pork shoulder (4)
chickens (2)
pork ribs (5)
pork rib roast (1)
It turned out nicely but I had also used nearly all my wood to do this. I was on the lookout for any fruit wood I could get my hands on. The week before I left a note on this fellow's home and he called me back. Anyway, he said he was available both today and next Saturday for me to stop by and get some wood so I called up my father-in-law to schedule a time to borrow his pickup and chainsaw. By the time all this transpired Samantha was up and moving. I took Madilyn and Ammon with me to get this wood. We spent a few hours cutting the wood and loading it into the truck (long bed F150 Ford). The cherry tree we took was substantial in size. We only took a single limb but it filled the entire bed of the truck. It started to rain towards the end of our time and by the time we got back to the house we were soaked to the bone. I got cleaned up and took a minute to eat some lunch.
I noticed a txt from one of Jan's friends about her commonwealth school she founded. Jan's friend created a separate domain name. It was bitter-sweet. It enables her to move forward with the school and for me to do something with the website that won't hinder the progress the school is making.
I feel like time has moved on. I feel at times that Jan is near. It is comforting to believe that she is aware of how the kids are and our current living environment. Things seem to be so different from our lives back in Arlington. In December I decided to change my health. This has been a long-time brewing so it finally took shape in me making changes in my life directly after Christmas. I altered my diet (permanently) and introduced activity into my life. I have dropped about 25 lbs. That sounds like a lot but I have a lot to lose so this is just a step in the right direction for me.
We took some family photos as well and I am just shocked at how the kids have grown. It seems as if it is overnight.
I realize that me writing in this blog is healing. It is healing for me to just get it down somewhere. Sometimes life moves at such a pace that we forget the little things.
The older boys and Emma Jean are on a high school choir tour that visited Disney Land. They will come back tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure they all will be super tired by the time they return. Samantha and I have spent some time with the younger kids while the older ones are out. It has been good. I feel at times there isn't enough of us to go around to all the kids. They have a lot of patience with us!
Well - I'll write more later - for now - off to the gym. :-|
That BBQ run ended up being the following:
brisket (1)
pork shoulder (4)
chickens (2)
pork ribs (5)
pork rib roast (1)
It turned out nicely but I had also used nearly all my wood to do this. I was on the lookout for any fruit wood I could get my hands on. The week before I left a note on this fellow's home and he called me back. Anyway, he said he was available both today and next Saturday for me to stop by and get some wood so I called up my father-in-law to schedule a time to borrow his pickup and chainsaw. By the time all this transpired Samantha was up and moving. I took Madilyn and Ammon with me to get this wood. We spent a few hours cutting the wood and loading it into the truck (long bed F150 Ford). The cherry tree we took was substantial in size. We only took a single limb but it filled the entire bed of the truck. It started to rain towards the end of our time and by the time we got back to the house we were soaked to the bone. I got cleaned up and took a minute to eat some lunch.
I noticed a txt from one of Jan's friends about her commonwealth school she founded. Jan's friend created a separate domain name. It was bitter-sweet. It enables her to move forward with the school and for me to do something with the website that won't hinder the progress the school is making.
I feel like time has moved on. I feel at times that Jan is near. It is comforting to believe that she is aware of how the kids are and our current living environment. Things seem to be so different from our lives back in Arlington. In December I decided to change my health. This has been a long-time brewing so it finally took shape in me making changes in my life directly after Christmas. I altered my diet (permanently) and introduced activity into my life. I have dropped about 25 lbs. That sounds like a lot but I have a lot to lose so this is just a step in the right direction for me.
We took some family photos as well and I am just shocked at how the kids have grown. It seems as if it is overnight.
Here is one of the entire family
I realize that me writing in this blog is healing. It is healing for me to just get it down somewhere. Sometimes life moves at such a pace that we forget the little things.
The older boys and Emma Jean are on a high school choir tour that visited Disney Land. They will come back tomorrow afternoon. I'm sure they all will be super tired by the time they return. Samantha and I have spent some time with the younger kids while the older ones are out. It has been good. I feel at times there isn't enough of us to go around to all the kids. They have a lot of patience with us!
Well - I'll write more later - for now - off to the gym. :-|
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