29 October 2018 (3 years, 10 months, 10 days after The Day)

So today is getting back into the swing of things for me.  I took off last week and went on vacation.  Samantha and I saved up and went on a cruise.  I have never been on a cruise before so this was new to me.  If you have the opportunity to go I suggest you do.  I thought it was great.  My phone didn't work while I was at sea which meant I couldn't work and was able to relax.  I came back to work and had over 250 emails to wade through.  While it was good to get away it seems that life seems to through the tough life trials at the kids when we are away.  One day after we left our little dachshund named Penny had two discs in her spine go awry which left her paralyzed and unable to control her bladder and bowels.  When Samantha and I touched land and connected our phones we were able to help my mom (who was watching everyone while we were on vacation) coordinate the events of that day.  After much discussion we decided to put her down.  It was so tough on everyone.  I think dogs do a good job at just loving you the way you are.  I think that is why it hurts so bad when they die.  Penny was a very sweet dog.  We all miss her and the reminders of her remind me of Jan's passing.  All the little things make us sad all over again... With Jan it was her purse, clothes, phone, food she liked in the fridge/pantry, etc.  With Penny it is her collar, her food and water bowl, her container of food, and her dog bed.  

     
For me recently I have struggled remembering my life when Jan was alive.  In a way I have forgotten.  I have buried my old self and started anew.  While this has allowed me to function at times I reflect on things I should remember but just have a difficult time doing.

I was talking with Ammon this morning about life trials.  Sometimes life throws lots of curve balls at you and I am a believer that God helps to mold you and make you better.  The process is messy and painful but in the end you can emerge better than before the trial.  During that discussion I reflected on the painful things I have endured in my life and I think each has made me better.  I have learned to love more, to appreciate more, to be a better parent, to be driven, to persevere and be tenacious in accomplishing my goals.  I feel I learned more in talking to Ammon than I did when others talk to me.  I suppose I realized the old saying of "you teach once you learn twice".

So - my mom is flying back to Houston tomorrow.  It will be sad to see her go home since I only got to visit with her for a short time before and after our trip.  I'm so thankful that she was able to spend time with the kiddos.  I know she enjoys visiting with the kids even though it is a bit chaotic with all the kids and their schedules.

Well - I'm hoping my memories of Jan don't fade further... I feel as if I really just don't remember much.  Is that a blessing?  Sometimes I say yes... sometimes I say no.  Today - I say no.  

Until later -