So I neglected to write yesterday. I went to a high school choir concert in the evening with Samantha and Madilyn and it was really good. There were like 4 different choirs and each one sang like 5 songs so suffice it to say we were there a while. It was good seeing Dylan, Emma, and Alex sing. Emma looks so natural on stage. I think she is a natural performer. Dylan also looked very comfortable on stage. I couldn't see Alex because they had him standing in the back corner because of the large size of the choir and I couldn't see his face but only a few times the entire performance but I could hear him. Isn't it weird when you can single out voices in a crowd of people? I guess that explains how penguins can hear a squawk from another bird and say "nope... that's not my wife".
This evening Samantha was listening to a podcast of a woman who suffered a brain injury and who could only recall a few things and every day was a new day. It was like the movie "50 first dates" but in real life. We talked about how challenging it is for the woman but how much more challenging it is for the husband who has to be so extraordinarily patient with his wife who can't figure out how to park in another parking spot if someone is parking in hers. (yes... this lady does drive sometimes). Anyway - I was walking past the mirror in our bathroom while we were talking and I noticed Samantha's hair brush. I picked it up and changed the subject. I asked her if it was weird that I wanted to clean her brush. I looked at it as "something that needs to be done" in my mind. She said that I might be suffering from PTSD. I didn't know how to respond to that. I took a moment and jumped into the shower and thought on that the entire time. WebMD and other online sites are good at leading you down the mortality timeline with self-diagnosis where a headache surely means some sort of terminal illness. I strive to not go onto sites like that but when Samantha mentioned PTSD I'm thinking there are a lot of things I do now that I didn't do so much before Jan died. For example - I make the bed often. I clean a lot. I strive to be always helping around the house. Samantha says I "hover" at times when she is cooking. I will put things away (spices, condiments, bread, etc.) when she is cooking to be help clean up only I do this while she is cooking. I know this sounds completely moronic but in my mind I am helping. Even writing this makes me laugh at my own actions. Just acknowledging that I am different than I was before is helpful. So - it only took 3yrs, 11 months, and 23 days for me to figure this out; however, when I looked up PTSD it is different from some of my actions. So - perhaps I am a little OCD and PTSD. Self diagnosis can be a little interesting since I don't have a medical background and I am only looking at things from my own perspective. I think it is safe to say that all diagnosis aside my actions after Jan's death have helped me to understand that I am a little different than I was previously and help me to laugh at myself which I think can be helpful. (don't touch the brush)
On a positive note - my bed looks good. hahahaha
