6:42 am -
The rain is falling and the house is quiet. My son is cuddling with me on the couch and he is watching some Lego cartoon. My daughters stayed up last night to see in the new year but my son and I went to sleep. I am thrilled at the news of Claire's health improving. I depended upon my wife to take care of the home life and since her passing I have been buried with details I have not had to worry with much. To say I took her for granted is an understatement. With Claire coming home there are more questions. I just have a lot of details that will need to be worked through. I have a lot of support from family and friends so that is very helpful as I embark on this new chapter. It still doesn't seem real.
9:20 pm -
I went with grandma today to get a bed. Now that is done I will need to start identifying and relocating things out of the library/craft room to make room for her new bed.
I suppose I am going through phases. Today really hit me that Jan is gone. I am very frustrated at that fact. Yes, I love her dearly but I am frustrated that I am here and she is not. There is so much we did together as a team. I'm not talking about yard work vs. laundry. I'm talking about planning our children's lives and their needs. We worked with each one and discussed each one together. I realized today that from now on it is me alone. I'm frustrated because this is unfair to Claire, Ammon, Madilyn, and Emma. It is unfair to me. I know that getting frustrated is like spinning your tires when your vehicle is stuck. It may feel good but it will get you nowhere. Jan and I used to watch Man vs. Wild with Bear Grylls on Netflix from time to time (I know, I know. The comment that is next out of your mouth is " but that is staged..." Yes it is. And so what.) She and I were always impressed with Bear's resourcefulness and planning in the wilderness. Yes he would eat bugs and drink urine but what he did was say "If you want to stay alive, here is something I learned from ...." or "if you need to work out what direction is North do this...". Right now I feel that is the resourcefulness I am missing in my life. I need to stop spinning my tires and get a plan. I plan things at work and don't understand why this plan is so different. Perhaps it is because you never anticipate actually having to execute it. Sure, I have accidental dismemberment insurance at work but I don't actually believe I will ever use it. The issue I am dealing with is accepting reality and moving on. I feel close to Jan by not moving forward. Seriously... by not moving. I found some laundry tonight that was hers that needed to be cleaned and hesitated putting it in the washer because it would be the last time I did. I hesitated. I suppose the good thing is I am acknowledging this is weird. The longer I don't change something the shorter the time feels that she has been gone. I don't know how to say it other than I feel like a part of me died too and I'm trying to determine what the plan is moving forward and how to keep that part of me from dying too even though it already occurred.
I saw Claire tonight. She is moved to a nursery outside of the primary NICU but still in NICU. She is in a crib. She is so precious and cute and her health is much improved. I am so anxious for her to come home.
