Madilyn slept in my bed last night. I didn't have to relocate her to her side of the bed or anything. It was very odd. Anyway, amidst all of this our family computer is infected with a virus. I'm sure it was something simple my daughter accidentally did as the machine is used 99% of the time by the kids but nonetheless I am in the process of rebuilding it. It is giving me an opportunity to search for images/movies that may have my wife in them. Chances are she is in videos that my kids recorded while using her phone or something. Nothing like a homemade video 4 feet off the ground. We have pictures of toys (mainly dolls), funny faces, and theatrical performances in our home. We have homemade videos using some software on my wife's iPad singing "It's raining tacos" and "Space Unicorns". For those that have lived through this you understand what I mean. Those songs rival the "Let it Go" song from Disney's Frozen. A catchy tune that you find singing at work. Yes, I've had my moments at the copier humming Space Unicorns. Anyway.... lots of videos and fun memories. My wife may be in the background of these videos.
Today my kids will go back to a school my wife founded. Management has shifted in this school and it will continue forward. We had many homeschooling families register and while it isn't a school they go to daily it does provide homeschooling kids opportunities to meet other children that are taught at home. They build strong relationships and get opportunities to participate in group activities around a myriad of topics (science, math, history, languages, etc..). Since Jan founded this school the new management team will pay tribute to her for a short moment this morning. I hope my kids can handle this. For most it is an opportunity to reflect, cry, and move on. For my kids it is reliving a nightmare that won't end. I told my children that if it is too much to seek out one the new torchbearer or leader/president of the school. I shared my concerns with both this new leader as well my kids. I hope all goes well.
My son asked if we could go visit mom's grave. I said we could. That was yesterday and with all the activities in the eventing we didn't get to go. Today I will take him if he is up to it.
Claire's health is getting better and better. Yesterday she took about 3.3 oz in one feeding. I'm so happy for her continued improvement.
6:01 pm-
Claire had her feeding tube removed. I am interviewing a doctor tomorrow about being her new pediatrician. How do you determine competency? The school? The years of practice? Reviews from customers? I looked at the reviews and many are all over the place. I swear reviews are almost worthless. Think I am kidding? Look up an expensive Rolex on Amazon and read the reviews. Get some popcorn ready. It is entertaining. It is encouraging that Claire is almost ready to come home. I am very ready. It is almost a dream with her being so far away. I cannot wait to hold her in my own home.
Ammon is testing for his blue belt on Saturday. He has been working on his forms and he is improving daily it seems. He is working one on one with his instructor to prepare him for the test. I'm impressed that he is so focused despite all of the hardships he is facing.
Speaking of dealing with hardships I had to pick up the death certificates today from the funeral home. They had errors on some other paperwork which frustrated me. Born in 1928? Died in January? Um... No. So I corrected this and then wanted to review the certificates. They were fine but I felt short changed. I get a piece of paper in place of my wife. The cause of death was there and I just relived it all over again. The Funeral home was playing some sappy love songs which just infuriated me. I would rather it be elevator music. So I picked up the stuff and had a chat with my invisible wife all the way home. Tears and frustration. Those are two words that capture my feelings today.
9:40pm -
We went by my wife's grave. Being that it is winter and is dark early the graveyard was empty of visitors. We used my son's flashlights to light the way. We went directly from Tae Kwon Do so he still had his uniform on plus his little blue jacket. It was a special moment. Just Ammon and me standing there by my wife's grave. The cold night air cut like a knife through our clothing. My son was wanting to stay because of his mom as well as wanting to leave because of the cold. We made a couple of attempts at walking back to the car only to turn around and walk back to the grave. It was a tough time for Ammon. He opened up and mourned his mom. Like I said, it was a special moment.
We started another book called "out of my mind" by Sharon M. Draper. Emma had read it before and said it was good. We read about 25 pages and it established a good stopping point.
I received a message on my wife's phone from the Redwing shoe store. They are not able to resole my shoes. I'm not shocked but I am disappointed because that would have been the last material gift from my wife. I know it is silly but I'm going through a lot of "lasts" and each time I find myself pausing in reflection. I recall when my grandfather died I had to mow his lawn. My grandfather (mother's father) was really like my dad and when I was steering his riding mower around the lawn I could see the previous tire tracks from when he mowed. It is silly stuff like that that makes me pause to reflect. It is the past that nobody wants to let go of.... at least when you love that person. My wife's true last gift she gave to both of us was.... Claire. You see my wife and I balanced each other out. She was the serious one and I was... not. I was the one cracking up when my son made farting sounds on my arm while my wife was straight faced. I don't know which was more funny. The same thing occurred when watching movies. I'd be cracking up and she would be stone faced. I would laugh so hard I would cry and my wife would just look at me and smile.
My wife enjoyed movies that would put me to sleep. British shows with bad endings and with a dark storyline seemed to fill her Netflix queue. She would get irritated with me when after a few moments of watching the show I would call out who the guilty party was. I don't think I'm Chief Inspector Hercule Poirot. I just think most shows are unfortunately predictable. I also poked fun at some of the actors. This brought out a smile with Jan and I always enjoyed that. While I wouldn't have watched these shows on my own I began to enjoy some of them as we watched them together. An example of this is Foyle's War.
Well, reflecting on my wife's smile is where I will close this entry. Until tomorrow. Also - here is the latest with Claire - no feeding tube! :-)
