I spoke with a good friend of mine yesterday about the feeling I have of being marooned on an island. For those that feel alone through a situation I don't know a better way of describing it. It is a forced loneliness. A loneliness forced by some event or action of another. Back in the day when a pirate was marooned on an island they gave him a gun with a single bullet to commit suicide. I always read about those that were stranded or isolated and felt bad for them but then this was just a story and didn't relate to my life so I didn't think much on it and I moved on. Going through this situation is not making it easy to move on. During a phase in my life I felt like I was on this island and very alone. When Jan and I married there was a feeling of leaving this isolated mental environment. There was great relief when I left that place 15 years ago and it was mainly because Jan and I clicked on so many levels. It was as if a new chapter in my life was started and that isolated island was in the past. When Jan passed I felt like I was thrust back on the island but this time with kids. I realize I am the one who decides how I am going to feel and I have control over this. I suppose I am just trying to make sense of it all. I still catch myself saying "if I can just get this one question answered by Jan I will know what I need to do". At the time I say it I actually believe I can get the answer. That moment is followed by feelings of sadness and isolation when reality kicks in. Perhaps this inward struggle is why I am so absolutely exhausted. I have never in my life had to purposely keep myself awake. It is somewhat like driving after long periods when all you want to do is pull over and take a nap only on this trip I have been driving for 33 days straight. Each day is a struggle and each day there are mental gymnastics to keep my game face on to get work done. But... getting these thoughts out is good and has been giving me a bit of healing. I'll take what I can get.
9:16 pm -
Today were a few tears from my kiddos. As the waves come in I'm glad I can be there for them. Claire's feeding schedule is all over the place. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow so we will see how things go. I think she is doing much better. She is losing hair around her head as she looks around. That is always a good sign! In the process I found that she has a birthmark on her head. We never could see because her hair is so dark and fine that it completely covers her scalp. She is getting accustomed to the wrap. She fights it at first but then calms down and goes to sleep. My mom put it on but could not get her to calm down. I put it on and she calmed down. Perhaps she is getting to know me a bit.
I asked yesterday to be released from a calling I had in church. In my church everyone volunteers and my Bishop had asked that I teach the 12-13 yr old Sunday school. It has been one of my most favorite activities. Perhaps that is because I am mentally right there with them. Anyways, with everything going on with Claire I thought it wise to ask to be released for the time being. I had a sub filling in for me since all of this happened and I didn't think it was fair to have a permanent sub so I'm being released and the Bishop will call someone else to be the teacher. This is both happy and sad. Once the dust settles I'll pick back up with something else I am sure.
My kids are all asleep so I am going to do the same while I can. Oh how I miss this time of the night with Jan. I would get to talk with Jan and review all that is going on. I may just turn on one of those shows she would watch just to feel a bit closer..... that also makes me feel worse afterward so perhaps I'll just skip that and go straight to sleep.
