So I'm holding Claire while she is going to sleep. I'm staying in a sleeping room with her today here at the Plano NICU and she has been awake most of my visit. I believe we are on schedule to bring her home tomorrow! What a blessing!!
12:43 pm -
She is officially asleep. I've held her since about 7:45 this morning and that was some very good bonding time. I went through the Plano NICU CPR training and now it is just Claire and me in this room. She is sleeping and I am typing. I got up early this morning for the 40 mile drive up here. I just couldn't sleep much. I awoke with anticipation that I will be able to spend the day here. I both value and dislike alone time. I had more conversations with Jan on the way up to see Claire. I know communication is a two-way street but suffice it to say I felt like I was not alone.... but yet I was. It is difficult to describe. Anyway, it was a teary 40 mile trip. I arrived and the day began. I feel so much better to have her coming home and at the same time a bit of panic has set in as I question if everything is in order. My wife was so good at looking at the entire picture. She was getting everything in order prior to Claire's birth. Here I am about to bring her home and I'm asking... "do we have all we need for her crib?". I'm sure Jan is shaking her head as she pats my back to say.... "You will get there eventually dear". So I have four kids and yet every time we have an infant in our home my mind goes blank with some of the duties and it takes a moment to get back up to speed. It is good that as infants they just eat, sleep, poop and pee. It is like God's natural plan to help kids and parents get up to speed together.
I've been thinking of all that Jan did as a parent to our kids. I just took for granted all that she did. I can recall Jan asking me to watch our oldest daughter when she was about a year old so Jan could go take a nap. I said, "Sure, no problem". It started out going well. Then I fell asleep. Jan said afterwards that Emma was screaming not 6 inches from my face and I was completely out. Those days are gone. I was just selfish. I thought of me alone and while my wife and I differed on what was an acceptable amount of time to allow Emma to cry I could have taken Emma out of the house so Jan could sleep. I would like to say that was an isolated incident. It isn't. Over the years I have improved at being less selfish. I just wish I could have been a better husband while she was here. I did implement some good habits on my own. I mean, I would wash the dishes, take out the trash, do laundry, clean up, etc... without being asked. This was the new normal for some time. This was really done by me asking myself "What would I want someone to do for me?" I would tell Jan I loved her on a daily basis. She often looked at me and asked "Why do you keep saying that?". My response has not changed. "I just want you to know it". Jan's "love language" was not by expressing love through words but by deeds. I found that when I picked up around the house, went shopping for food, did laundry and the dishes, etc... it was a way for her to receive that I cared for her. I still told her though. That was important for me. She had a difficult time accepting love from others. She had some major trust violations in her life and while she worked through all of those I felt she was on the road to recovery prior to her passing. As I said earlier - I hope she has healing now. So, what would I have done differently? I suppose I would have taken more ownership with the kids in all they do. I left so much up to her. I would have taken more ownership during activity planning or holiday trips. I know people say you have the equivalent of beer goggles on when someone passes and you look at them as a saint. I know Jan had normal issues as most people do. I'm not trying to act like she was perfect. I only wish I could share another moment with her and just hold her hand and express how much I care for her. It is silly but a reality when I think of where I am mentally with all of this. I don't even think it has really clicked yet. I mean really really clicked. I think it will come with time.
10:06 pm -
I had to leave my car seat with the NICU to do a study of Claire in it. Our car seat was special ordered for Ammon since he was big and outgrew the normal one we had when we was about 2. Anyways, the lady in the NICU thought I was nuts bringing in this huge seat but it can accommodate an infant so I think we are good to go.
I had a couple of discussions with the NICU staff today. They are heartbroken about the situation and feel bad that all has occurred. One of them purchased some gifts for my family since Claire is leaving tomorrow. They want us to stay in touch and that is heartwarming.
After the drive there, spending all day there, and then driving home - I am exhausted. More tomorrow. One parting thought... below is a pic of Claire smiling at me before I left. I absolutely needed it.
