7:00 am -
Well, the Gripe Water works! Halleluiah. Claire takes her sweet time eating but no more gas pains! Yay! Happy day! I was reminded this morning that being tongue-tied runs in the family and I totally forgot that this could be a cause. I have this issue and so does my son. I don't know if Claire has this or not.. I need to look closely. Anyway, poor Ammon has been stuck in his room all day for this entire week. He has been sick and we didn't want to run the risk of getting Claire sick. Today was the first day he asked to play with some of his toys. I'm so glad he is on the mend and he is such a trooper being in his room all day. He has been sleeping a lot so it isn't like he is just staring at the wall.
I was talking to my mom about just getting a different baby bed that would be higher off the ground. My back is better this morning and I hope I don't have to repeat this much!
I will begin the process of going through letters, cards, and PayPal notices. I have put this off because of the pain that comes from this but all of this is piling up and I don't want to be ungrateful for all the kindness that has been poured out on my family. Going through all of this is like opening a wound and I just needed to heal a little before processing all of this. If any have given and wondered why there was no response... that is why.
5:59 pm -
Today has been a tough day. I ended up relating much of what happened in detail with multiple people. You would think that after a while just relating details could be done without much turmoil. That isn't the case. I ended up reliving everything. I didn't share everything but what was shared triggered other memories. Seeing CPR being performed on my wife and realizing her time is up. Realizing I had 3 kids at home in bed that I would have to wake up and share this with. Trying to come to grips with the loneliness that enveloped me. All tough memories. All raw memories. It is like I take 2 steps forward and 1 back.
9:19 pm -
So with everything that has been going on I have neglected to clean up. Yet another thing my wife did. So I have boxes and stuff that is everywhere. None of it is stuff I can just throw out. I have to determine what is ok to go and what isn't. What a mess. Today I was talking with someone about the Kubler-Ross model of coping with grief. You may have heard of this but it goes like this. There are five stages of grief that everyone goes through
1.) Denial
2.) Anger
3.) Bargaining
4.) Depression
5.) Acceptance
This may vary based on the grief that someone goes through but the pattern exists. I feel like I have gone through 1, 2, and 4. I suppose the sooner I go through all of this the sooner I can heal but I cannot imagine my life without my wife and sometimes "acceptance" is difficult because like the clothes in her closet.... when I removed them it was like reliving everything. I haven't touched her shoes yet and they are in the same place where she last kicked them off. It is silly stuff like that that makes #5 difficult. Oh well... one day at a time.
-more later-
