Last night was rough. Slept about 6 hrs... got up and watched a movie. It is amazing how the TV has numbing powers. To feel takes determination. To heal takes facing reality. There is a quote I like which goes like this. "Truth is what it is".... meaning you can make believe the Sun is made of cheese but it won't do much good to you to live in the land of Peter Pan if you cannot accept reality. I suppose I am beginning to realize that the Sun is not made of cheese and it is time for me to accept that fact and all that it entails. This is a hard reality. The inability to accept reality just means I will endure pain longer. To endure has a different meaning. As a believer of Christ I believe one must endure pains of this life and press forward. Don't get me wrong, I think life has both joy and heartache; however, experiencing heartache has a positive side. During this process I believe we will develop the capacity to love greater than before and with that capacity we can begin to serve others fully. I believe that is what the word "charity" means as it is written in the Bible. I just had no idea what depth consists in the word "endure".
It is like a race that has no end with you getting support from your fellow runners when times are tough. You learn to enjoy the time running and with them but then a race official tells those with whom you are running that the race is over for them.... but not you. Where is the finish line? How much longer do I have to go? I suppose that is the reality I have to accept. I just don't know how much longer. I need to relearn how to just enjoy the time. Claire is 14 days old. I hope to be able to hold her children when she is a mother. She may not have a mother in this life but she will have a father. She will have the best I can offer which is my life. All of my children will have all I have to offer and when the good Lord feels fit to bring me home I think he and my wife will be happy at my determination to live.... yet letting go of my wife and choosing to live is the single hardest thing I have done. Period.
I reflect on a quote by Harold B. Lee
There is only one day that you and I have to live and that's today. There is nothing we can do about yesterday except repent, and there may be no tomorrows. The thing for us to do when we arise from our beds as God gives us a new day, is to pray that whatever comes to our hands, we will do it to the best of our ability.
10:14 pm -
We went to see Claire. She is doing well. She needs to eat a certain volume for the hospital to be willing to release her which doesn't make sense because when my kids eat as infants they eat and then fall asleep. Claire is no different. I recall my wife striving to get them to wake up and eat. This corrected itself when they establish normal eating routines but apparently Claire needs to be able to do this prior to leaving. Here is a pic of her just after she ate today. She is such a bundle of joy and doing so much better!! I wish my wife was here to enjoy this.
Tomorrow I will start the process of cleaning out the craft/library room to make room for my mom's bed. I thought I would get to that today but it just didn't happen.
Tonight we started reading a family book "Hatchet" by Gary Paulsen. We have read as a family off and on for the past few years and it brings a good spirit into our home. We are big into spending time together so this was good to start this up again and have the TV off. I have Madilyn and Ammon again in my bed. I think this may be the new normal.
