Last night I slept. I don't know what changed but I slept. I never heard Claire stir and when my mom awoke I asked if she fed Claire during the night. She said she had twice. I think I just didn't feel like I had the weight of everything on my back. I suppose that may be why my back has been hurting. Anyway, my sister organized my kitchen and it is much more functional. I started going through some papers and came across a note Jan wrote to me in 1995. Just a note to say she loved me. It made me smile. After all the activity of late I have found many pictures and many things I value. I found that I really value things written to me by Jan. I think of all the things I wrote to Jan. I just didn't. I would write little things on cards on holidays but not really many letters or notes. I found that she saved them. Jan wrote the occasional note to me and those I cherish. I suppose our love for each other was built before we came into being all of who we are today. We lived through each others challenges and helped each other through them. I think back to when I was in High School and I think I was just a big dork. I can't imagine why someone would want to hang out with me. I suppose we are our own worst critics and I'm glad Jan was able to look past some of the weirdness. As I start to go through all of the mountains of documents and gifts I am reminded again and again of all that my family has lived through over the past month. I am happy to see our home look more like a normal home but I am saddened with the emptiness that exists now especially as I relieve the moments. I'm sure I will look back on this time and wonder how I made it. I know one thing for sure. I have learned what the word Charity means from my mom. I know we all have a fond place in our hearts for our mothers but I really think God prepared her to be my mom with all that I have gone through. She has been a great support and I only hope I can be that for my kids one day. I am humbled by her love for me and my family. We all love her dearly and I guess that is what this life is all about. To have life experiences that help teach you how to love.
8:53pm -
Tonight my kids and I had a lot of reflection on Jan. Lots of tears and lots of discussion. This bitter pill is just difficult to swallow for everyone. I find it difficult to be their rock when I myself feel like a sandy shore. Perhaps that is when I will find my own testimony on this subject. I recall Stephen Covey (Author of 7 Habits of Highly Successful People) has said those who teach once learn twice. Perhaps that is what I am doing. Quick learning. I hope it leads to quick healing. At times I feel like I am speeding down a dark unknown street at night with my low-beams on. I'm on the edge of my seat trying to prepare for everything.
I think if Jan were here I would do many things differently. I have found the value in the written word and I believe I would just write her notes to tell her how much I care for her. Just small ones. I think I would put them in places she would frequent. I also think I would randomly take her out on a date to breakfast or something and arrange child care. I think I would be much more involved in our kids lives as far as planning. I think I would write in my journal specifically about activities we did together and how I felt. It is hard when someone you love passes because if all you have is the spoken word and it isn't recorded that person's voice and memories begin to fade. I don't want that to occur to me or my kids. I'm trying to gather all we have so our memories of her can always be close.
