Another night just as good as the night before. I think it is mixture of kids and the situation. I've started reading the scriptures again. I took a break for about 15 years. I have read them on and off over the years but had trouble making reading a habit when my wife was going through her life challenges. Suffice it to say that God and I have had many heart-to-heart conversations over the last 20 years.
Prior to my wife's departure I would speak with her about challenges at work and outside of work. These challenges I felt stretched me as far as I could go mentally without snapping. I try to be composed at all times and my wife did a very good job listening to me. She would also give good council. I always teased her that if she were in the corporate world she would probably be an executive at some big company. She was a natural leader. This attribute assisted me in getting my head straight on challenges. With her departure came a new level of enlightenment. Insights about her.... about me.... and about life in general. What is really important? I believe these challenges have highlighted that. I work only about 1.5 miles from where I live and I appreciate all the times I was able to eat lunch with my family. Previous to this when I lived in Houston I would commute about 40 miles one way to work which made coming home for lunch impractical. This commute also limited my time with my family. Relocating to Arlington changed all that. This new normal without Jan is going to take some time adjusting to.
I'm having to go through and box all of my wife's clothing. I didn't think that would be difficult but it is heart wrenching. I mean let's get real... women have more clothes than men. I heard a comedian once say that "women's clothes are like a professional sports team... they have to make the cut each year. Men's clothing on the other hand is not that way... when a man gets clothes they sign a lifetime contract." I have to make room for the cleaning of the library/craft room. I have to determine what is going in my closet and what is going in the attic. I have read online about widowers and their inability to move forward. They have left their homes exactly as they were when their wife was there. I totally get that. Keeping it the same keeps the person around longer. From an outsider's point of view it is creepy. I get that too. I've got to heal and if that means removing clothing to make room for stuff then I will use that excuse to further my healing. Nobody said healing was easy and I'm not waiting around for the improbable chance that it will magically become easy. I'm tackling this issue one day at a time. Today it is clothing.
9:44 pm -
Well, 2 boxes and 10 bags later I have the closet and dresser cleaned out of clothes. That brought more memories for the kids and now we are all reliving everything over again. Emma is going to pick out some of the clothes to make a quilt. I'm fine with that. I told her, Madilyn, and Ammon that the remaining clothes are leaving permanently once each has gone through and picked whatever they want. It is just too painful to have her clothing around.
We went to see Claire. She is doing very well. I fed her and she downed 3 oz. I'm so very happy for her recovery. She was awake this morning and the NICU staff put her in a swing. She was looking around. When we got there she was sleeping. Tomorrow we will take the entire family to go see her. It should be really good for Madilyn and Ammon. It will be their first time to see her. I'll get a family pic. Here is the one from today's visit.
