It is almost February. For the better part of January I had the belief that Jan was somehow still alive. Now that time is slowly passing it seems more of a reality to me. It really is the bitter pill.
My family and I are watching Studio C and getting a few laughs. It is healing. It is interesting how humor helps.
Humor helps for a moment... and then the moment passes. I suppose this will get easier with time.
One thing is weird... my wife and my memories of my wife seem to be a dream. It is hard to describe but it is almost like she isn't real but I know she is. My feelings are somewhat numb. I don't know if that is from the lack of sleep or the inability to process things "correctly" or what but that feeling does make it easier to cope with. Maybe I'm just loosing my mind. Who knows. I had someone today mention my wife and a flood of feelings came back. I know I try to bottle this up when I'm in public but sometimes it is a joke. It was mentioned getting a hug from my wife and I lost it. I think that is because if I was standing somewhere and Jan was beside me she would just have her hand on the my back just giving me a slight pat/rub. A silly memory that just had a "Release the river!" effect on me (as they say in Lord of the Rings). It felt like a cleansing. I suppose it will take a while to get to someplace everyone else feels is "stable". I try to use comedy to change the subject or make light of a situation that is intense but sometimes there is no comedic relief and I try to keep some tissues handy.
We switched Claire to a bigger nipple yesterday and she is taking much more milk. This worked for a while but now she is unsettled. I feel there is a fine line between the nipple volume and Claire's endurance/ability to swallow.
My mother's bed was delivered today and it also looks like I am getting a new roof. Nothing like having a new roof put on with a newborn in the home. Yay! It is good to get these things checked off the list. When I was given color choices I found myself paralyzed. I'm picking a color that will be nailed to the top of my home. I'm doing good to match clothes I wear for a day and I thought... I wish Jan were here to look at this. I can barely tell the difference between black and blue and I'm given a choice of asphalt that all looks the same. I'm sure it won't matter once it is up there but my goodness... it seems silly but it is a little daunting. I guess Jan would probably do the same thing for something she normally consults with me on. Oh well. I'm just trying to get the list down to something manageable. Right now it is overwhelming.
So another day is coming to a close. Another day that seems like any day. All days seem to be the same.
