6:51 am -
Claire is finally back to sleep. She decided to wake up at 4:30. She seems to have some tummy problems in the morning. I don't know why but sometimes it is a chore getting her settled. I'm awake and working. It is weird how life moves on. You may see some horrible accident on the way to work and honestly care about their welfare; however, once the traffic begins to flow again it may be out of sight and out of mind. The people in the accident get to deal with the fallout from the event. It doesn't end for them. If we were in the accident then insurance can get involved and we get our cars fixed. We relive the situation on how the accident occurred again and again. Our broken car is a daily reminder of the event. Once the car is fixed we can move on. We don't have something staring us in the face on a daily basis. We may only have reminders come when we have to pay our insurance premium and remember why our rates are higher. With death it is almost a moment by moment reminder. Claire is crying. Jan will tend to her needs... oh wait, that's not going to happen. On my way home I see the van in the driveway. Oh good, Jan is home... oh wait, she isn't. Looking at a pile of her stuff on the dresser... I need to ask her about that... oh wait.. I guess I will just decide. Should Madilyn register for indoor soccer? I need to talk with Jan about that... oh wait I forgot. Every moment I seem to relive. Every moment comes with sadness and pain. It isn't so much pain of missing a mother... it is pain of missing my companion. My best friend. I swear.... feeling takes a lot of energy. It is worse than going to a party for me.
8:39 pm -
I'm experiencing physical pain. I just need to not stand. Sitting is fine. Tending Claire is fine but holding her and walking or bending over is not working. My back is on fire. I recall when we moved to our old home it was our first 2 story home. We were doing our normal routine and both Jan and I mentioned that our legs were hurting after about 2 weeks. We didn't know why. It wasn't until I had to go down the stairs that it registered that the stairs in our home, while insignificant in my mind, played a huge role in our legs being sore. This is the same with Claire. Most things in our home are made for the average height person so when I have to bend over to tend Claire it is just taxing. I never realized how much until tonight when I am doing good to just sit. Both my older sisters played the flute and they mentioned how difficult it was for long periods when first playing to keep their arm up to hold the instrument. I mean, Claire is only about 10 lbs. 10 lbs! How small of a weight is that and yet my back is throwing in the towel. I suppose I had just forgotten... I mean this is kiddo number 4.
Claire is dealing with gas pains and we got some Gripe Water to assist. We will see how that fares.
