7:21 am -
So Claire is doing well with her feedings. Her 11 pm and 6:30 am feeding she did while she was asleep. I heard grandma get up around 3 to do her feeding so I need to ask how that went. Anyway, I received a message on Facebook where someone I went to high school with sent me a link to an article about grief. The article seemed to speak for me in what I was feeling. Here is the link if you wish to read. Anyway, the article spoke of a woman who lost her child under a year of age and how she was trying to cope with it. A lot of self diagnosis and the belief that when people said "you are handling this well" translated to "put your game face on and get back to normal". I have that same belief and in the article when the lady begins to release her pent up feelings she asks what is wrong and the doctor's comment was very healing. He says "The depth of her sadness was simply a measure of the love she had for her daughter." In essence the grief she was burying was an attempt to fit-in and move on but her sadness was completely justified due to the love she had for her child. I feel I have to put on my game face as well. I have such deep sadness that it is difficult to even write about. How do you summarize deep love and friendship. Every time I try to capture this feeling it falls short. It ends up being more of a disservice to the description than just not saying anything. I'm a quirky person and finding someone that could connect with me was a miracle in itself. It wasn't just the connection but it was at the same time. Our first date we just talked straight for about 4 hours. Who does that?? It was like a connection that filled another missing half of the other. A missing half we didn't even know was missing. So, perhaps that is why I feel a part of me died with Jan. This journey of healing is a difficult one. It is difficult because it does not conform with normal "get over it and get back to work" mentality that exists for mainstream America. It has been 38 days since this journey began and all I want to do is get over it and at the same time not move an inch. Not moving seems to keep Jan closer but it doesn't help me heal. I understand why people write stories to capture and share what love is. I envy old people holding hands and sharing their lives together. That is all I ever wanted to do was to grow old with Jan by my side. To go through all the fun, sad, tough, easy, etc... times together. To experience life together. It is sad that I just now seem to get that. I have priorities of growing old together but put it aside.
Before Jan died I was so focused on Corporate America. I was so focused on work and all that it entailed. Don't get me wrong. I think work has great value. I think it can shape you into a better person. I recall how when I worked for the entertainment industry I would often work very long hours. I had an hour commute and I would see my oldest daughter just as she was waking up and get home after they were asleep. I recall how Jan and I would argue about me missing out on their lives and for me it was a great pain to part with what I considered a dream job. It was a job working for a company that had memories of my Grandfather. I left to work for the company I work for now. It was a very good switch for me. I was able to see my family more. The commute was worse but the hours were much less. Over time additional responsibilities came to me and required more of my time. I relocated to Arlington Texas and my commute was cut by 90%. This allowed me to spend more time with my family. I just believed that my family would always be there. I just believed that all I needed to do was focus on work to help prepare for the future with my family. I never would have imagined that my time would be cut short. As weird as it sounds I don't know if I will ever retire or stop working. I will always be doing something but I just have a deeper appreciation for my family. I only wish I could have been there more when Jan was here.
9:14 pm -
I find myself in meetings. I can concentrate for a moment and then I find my mind wandering. I catch myself doing this and snap back into reality. Back and forth. Back and forth. I have found that if I am involved in process improvement work my mind doesn't wonder as much. I've been trying to keep myself involved in that as much as possible.
So what is the price of childhood? What is the price of a good memory? We have them and we could say they are worth millions especially if time has moved on and some in the memory are no longer around. So why then did I put memory making moments behind watching TV or some other mindless activity that only served me? I suppose it is because memory making activities take effort and sacrifice on everyone's part. Being asked to give just a little more when you feel like there is nothing left in the tank to give. I think about what I can do today to make every moment count. After all we only live in today......in the present.
