2:00 am -
I awoke to Claire whimpering and starting to stir. At 2:30 she was being fed. Grandma woke up and fed her. I did not feed her at 11 so she is starting to go longer between feedings at night. Yay! I told my mom that I needed to go back to bed. I felt no change physically and was just flat exhausted. I told her something was wrong because I feel like I do when you wake up from a Sunday afternoon nap when the sun is still high. I'm groggy and lethargic and you may expect that at 3 am but not at 7:49 am when I'm writing this. Sadness hit me last night and Ammon came into my room probably around 3 because of a nightmare. I haven't had the kids in my bed for about two weeks now and having him sleeping next to me was a bit healing. I just am amazed at the power of the sadness that hits. It really is overwhelming at times and for me debilitating. I have been able to push through it to function but if my kids weren't here or I didn't have other responsibilities I would probably just stay in bed all day. So today starts and my gusto for life is weak. I'm just a robot going through the motions.
8:35 pm -
My sister came up to visit and brought the baby bed that she used with her kids. We set it up and it is ready to go for tonight. This should help my back some. Claire is eating more and more and that is good. My kids are really enjoying being able to spend time with my sister and that is good. I'm exhausted again and can say I don't know of anything I really accomplished today. I did rearrange my bedroom which consisted of moving a dresser and setting up a baby bed but really that is about it. I think Ammon is going to sleep in my bed tonight. That is ok. We will see how it goes. Claire is crying and I feel extremely guilty for going to bed with my mom and sister taking care of Claire. When Claire cries I just feel like joining her. I know that sounds silly but lately that seems to be the trend.
