I slept. It wasn't huge but I slept. Perhaps it is exhaustion or my mind finally giving in to the fact that sleep is helpful. Either way I slept. I'm going to do get some work done while the house is quiet. We had a family friend recommend Amazon Prime. Because my time is extremely limited now I am giving it a whirl. I can have my stuff shipped to where I work and just bring it home like I would from the store. It is great. One less errand I have to run. Time management seems to be key these days. I can no longer just do an activity and not worry about what else is going on. Jan and I would trade off on various activities. Sometimes she would be exhausted sleeping in our bedroom and I would do my best to just manage the chaos in the home. I would work late at times and arrive home to the kids already fed. Now every minute matters. Every day is important. I spent the better part the last 17 days thinking of all I would have done differently before all this occurred. The phrase "If Only" is not healing. Hindsight is always 20/20. I have made my fair share of blunders in this life and the decision to live is a pinnacle one.
Another interesting effect of this life event for me is I no longer fear death. I honestly do not. With the departure of my wife and other loved ones over the years I can honestly say I welcome it when it is my time to go. My belief in what happens after you die has been tested many times and this event has made an impression on me. I just know that death is a threshold we must all pass through and any anxiety I had has now departed. I welcome joining my loved ones when it is my time. It is a weird feeling because while I welcome being able to see my wife I do not want to leave my kids. I told them I will be there and I will, Lord willing, to see them through this life. I still don't know how I am going to do this. I was reminded yesterday from a person who went through this exact issue that you take it one day at a time. For me, that is difficult so I am taking it a few hours at a time. I believe this will lead to days to weeks to years and so forth. For now I am just breathing.
10:19 pm -
What a day. I never realized how much talking about what happened can drain you physically. I felt like I was Harry Potter facing a dementor. It is probably because my communications about everything consumed much of the day. When it was over I just collapsed on my bed. I felt physically weak. It was a very weird sensation.
I reviewed a few of the audio files of Jan and found one of her playing the piano. It was good to hear her play. I then found one of her singing the Italian song Se tu m'ami, se sospiri by Giovanni B. Pergolesi. That is always a fun memory of her singing in different languages. I then found one of her tickling Ammon. Sound clips like this just take me back. It is like something triggers the senses and says "here is a vivid memory you buried from way back when." My sense of smell has diminished over the years but I recall how certain smells would remind me of elementary school or perhaps my Grandmother. The experience tonight with music was the same. It was as if I was picked up and placed back in time when the recording happened. So... here we go again. Both good and bad came from this. Good memories followed by sadness.
Grandma went to visit Claire. She snagged this photo when Claire was alert. First time for her to have her eyes open with Grandma and I wasn't there to see it. She is a cute kid though!
We finished the book Hatchet tonight and Ammon and Madilyn are back in my bed. Both are sleeping hard. I'm glad they are able to sleep. Having the TV turned off has been a huge blessing. We stopped watching normal TV in 2009 and got Netflix. We found that was a little addicting when new episodes came out. We would say "oh boy! Another season of Eureka is out!"... so we knew what our weekend was going to entail but this drained our ability to be mentally present for our kids not to mention that once the marathon was finished we went through withdrawals on the show until the next season was released. When we started reading as a family that helped bring us together. We read Around the World in 80 Days, The Hobbit, and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. We read lots of varied books and poems from Shel Silverstein to Beowulf and found that our kids would learn and get excited as we experienced these magical worlds together. I wouldn't trade those days for anything. I can't say the same for our Netflix experience although Netflix can be therapeutic if you need some catatonic time. I suppose I should retire for the evening. Until tomorrow...
