Well, the night started off with Emma and Madilyn in my bed... Emma left in the middle of the night and Madilyn had to be relocated. She was absolutely sideways on the bed. She asked "Where did Emma go?" I wonder. Once Madilyn was straightened out all seemed to go well. The hospital wants me to do a sleep study or stay over with Claire. They want to make sure I know how to handle a new born. Um... did I mention Claire is my fourth child? Well, apparently they have issues with this and wonder if I know how to change a diaper. I wonder if they would do this if Jan was still here. Anyway, I will do this whenever they want me to. I used to see how quickly I could change a diaper when the kids were about 2. It was a race because.... well... the smell mandated that it needed to be fast. My sense of smell has diminished over the years but I knew if I could smell it - it was bad. So, I found myself as a rodeo cowboy changing diapers. I always kept it entertaining for my kids. We always used the plastic bags from Wal-Mart, Target, Kroger, etc... for the diaper disposal. We tried the diaper pail bit but when both Jan and I almost passed out because of the smell when changing it we both thought the same thing.... marketing did a good job at selling this. Now that these bags are selling in Dallas for 5 cents I am getting cheap again. 5 cents to throw away a diaper? Maybe that is a good investment!
I was reading in the scriptures about the flood. How Noah lived for hundreds of years. I often think of the grief I am going through and how I would like it to end quickly. Back in those days it is written that people normally lived hundreds of years. I would imagine that death in childbirth was not that uncommon. I think about how the husbands felt afterward having to live for another 400 years. When I think of living another 50 years I just get depressed and I cannot imagine living another 400. I never realized how much of a friend Jan was. I have very few close friends. Sure, I'm as social as the next guy.... well... maybe not. Ok, so I'm not that social. I am an introvert and would gladly choose a night watching TV over a party. Going to a party for me is like connecting a vacuum to my energy. (All together now.... ) "Let it go.. let it go... " I'm a private person (this blog is the only thing that says otherwise) and don't have a lot of close friends. I just don't. I never have. Jan's loss is very impactful to me because she really was my best friend. She was just as introverted and when the door closed to our home we were like "Phew.... now we can relax". We would share daily experiences and we grew closer. We always ate dinner together except on the occasion that I had to work late. We talked and discussed things. Building that level of trust with someone is not easy for me and I feel myself turning into Tom Hanks from Cast Away when he started talking to Wilson (the volleyball). I suppose time will heal these wounds. And while I joke about developing schizophrenic traits during my grieving period it is really just the painful realization that Jan is gone and my way of working through the pain. I have always found humor to be healing. I strive to help my kids laugh and smile again. I think it helps everyone.
8:27 pm -
Kids are hyper tonight. Generally that normally ends with tears. My kids have chores for morning, afternoon, and evening and I'm attempting to ensure we get these done before everyone is ready for bed. My wife and I read the book "A House United" by Nicholeen Peck which was a long read but we really tested the contents and it works. It helped get our kids from being wild animals to being contributing members of our family. Some people looked at us as crazy when we deal with our kids a certain way but all I know is it works. Anyway, our kids doing chores helps our home be more manageable. Jan and I were working to implement Nicholeen's system fully and we haven't yet; however, what we have implemented has worked. It is just hard. Anyway... Kids are doing chores. I'm thankful that they are learning life skills early. Luckily our system in our home wasn't like normal society so with my wife's departure there isn't a panic of how to run the house as some might expect. The kids all take turns with laundry, dishes, trash, cleaning the bathrooms, etc... so the trick I have is snapping out of this funk to actually follow-up with them to ensure this stuff is getting done.
Tonight my daughter expressed concern about Ammon and his grieving process with Jan's death. I have been so bombarded with all of the to-dos surrounding Jan's death that counseling for my kids was shelved. How absolutely asinine. I mean... I'm more worried to ensure bills get paid then real issues staring me in the face. Sometimes it is difficult to see the forest from the trees. I'm setting up an appointment for all of us.
I've been battling complete exhaustion during the day. Not the "Oh, I'm tired because I just ate Mexican food"... it is the "Holy cow I think I've been drugged or something and I'm going ..... (snore)" When I finished work today I slept like I hadn't in a long time. I awoke lethargic and getting moving again was a chore. I don't know what this is all about but it is new. I don't think I will have a problem sleeping tonight.
I have a sleep study moment with Claire starting tomorrow morning. I am supposed to be there for 3 feedings. Once that is done I believe she will be released on Sunday. I have a Doctor's appointment scheduled for Tuesday so these are absolute blessings lining up that will allow Claire to come home.
With that being said, I'm off to bed. Here is hoping that Ammon and I test well tomorrow. He's going for his blue belt (with grandma taking pictures) and I will be doing the sleep study. One day at a time.
