So today marks Claire's one month birthday. I swear all of this still seems like a dream. I have a bunch of stuff that is Jan's and I feel like I am invading her privacy by going through it but I have to. I need to start cleaning up. I found a book in her bedside table called "A Wife's Little Red Book" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. that gave tips on being a better wife, friend, companion, etc... It has silly suggestions and advice like:
- Get his car washed
- When you are wondering what he does with all those tools, remember he may be wondering what you do with all that makeup.
- Find a compromise when you disagree on parenting techniques
- Ask his advice when you have a problem
- etc...
This morning Claire started talking to me in her sweet baby talk mixed in with a few smiles as she looked me in the eyes. I know it sounds silly but that brought a bit of comfort. I've been thinking on the word comfort and realize that much of it will be received by others desire for your welfare. I think of the things that bring real comfort. I suppose it is friendship and family. I may get joy by going to the batting cages but that doesn't have sustained comfort. Sustained comfort seems to be received when one connects with another. I've read how animals can comfort people and how people can comfort people. Who knows... perhaps this is just the beginning of a larger discovery time for me to understand what that word really means. I know there is the phrase "comfort food" which I can agree does bring a bit of comfort but it is not sustained thus driving you to ingest more. So what is it that never runs out of supply and keeps you filled? So far there is only one word. Love. The one word that can cause both joy and sorrow. The one healing tonic. So, that is something I am seeking more of. More love to not only help me but so I can learn to help others too. Not help them out of obligation or out of personal need but just because it is the right thing to do.
9:22 pm -
So, I am in the rocking chair with this wrap on. Claire has been sleeping in this thing for a few hours now. She has drooled all over my shirt and I'm sure if Jan can see her is getting a good laugh. So, as a family we read more of the book "Out of my mind" and it was good to read more as a family. My kids finally got off to bed and I flipped on the tube to watch the end of the State of the Union address where most presidents promise things and it sounds more like another campaign speech. I tried to remove Claire from the wrap about an hour ago and she started crying. I didn't want to repeat her crying spell so I just covered her back up. My mom asked if she was going to sleep in this thing and I just laughed. I have to remove her to feed her so she will have to adjust to being out of this thing eventually.
I had the opportunity to speak with a counselor this evening and found that my feelings are normal and the actions I'm taking with the blog is good. It was good to talk to someone. Just having validation on my feelings was good. This was yet another thing that I would have discussed with my wife but wasn't able to.
