5:33 am -
Up for an hour. TV on.... tired but not sleepy. Today is a new day. Starting back to a new old schedule. Here is hoping for composure. -
5:00 pm
Well, I went into work early. I was able to get some stuff done but wow ... what a difficult day. I say difficult because I feel I can do a pretty good job at getting through a tough situation but that was trying. During the day I got a call from one of the doctors there in the NICU calmly describing how they were going to reverse some of the decisions made about Claire.... things that I fought to get in place. The last wishes of Jan. My oldest sister uses a phrase "you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar" to mean I should not chomp off people's head if I disagree (i.e being polite will go further than being rude). I suppose I don't have much politeness left in me. Perhaps this entire situation has drained me of this. It may have been coupled with my perceived attitude of the doctor... My emotional state at the moment didn't respond well with individuals I perceived to lack humility. I don't know which but luckily the decisions were reversed after some discussion. I went from that conversation to one where I work regarding some new locations coming online. For a profession I am in IT. I deal with technology and business. I help companies make money using technology so in a way I am an IT guy that speaks business and also a business guy that speaks IT. Anyways, we have another location that we are assisting with the use of technology and it is one of those meetings that involves all the key players. Luckily it was the first and went quickly. I left feeling my emotional bank account was overdrawn again.
In all that is going on and how sad the situation is there is much to be thankful for. My children are doing alright although I think we could all use some counseling. My mom has shifted her life around to assist me during this time. I have support for some of the kids schooling activities. My work life is manageable. I have prayers being sent our direction all the time. I have a PayPal account that collects donations from complete strangers as well as those I know. The generosity of everyone has been so humbling. I received the first bill for Jan's ICU stay. I almost fainted at the cost but luckily insurance discounted this heavily so I only owe a small fraction. I know that is not including any bill from Claire and there are still other specialists that dealt with Jan but it is comforting knowing that the bulk of Jan's bills were discounted.
9:55 pm -
I finished getting the craft/library room emptied enough for a bed to arrive tomorrow for grandma. I found a silly gift given to me by my wife years ago. It is just a picture of "Mr. Incredible" from the Pixar movie "The Incredibles". My wife took a permanent marker and wrote a message about me being a "super" and "Mr. Incredible". I laughed when I got it and I laughed tonight. I appreciate my wife's faith in me. Perhaps that is what I need more of to get through all of this.
We are nearing the end of the book "Hatchet" that we started a few days ago as a family. For those that don't know the book is about a young man who is in a single prop plane being flown to a remote part of Canada from NY to visit his father and somewhere over the Canadian wilderness the pilot has a heart attack and dies. This young man survives the plane crash and the book documents his learning experiences through the ordeal. A part resonated with me tonight in the book. When a search plane comes near he does what he can to get the pilot's attention but ends up alone once again. He realizes that it is unlikely the plane will ever be back. It was a pivotal point for this young man where he becomes different. He decides to live. He gave up on the hope of being rescued but not life. I am hoping for a magic thing that snaps me out of the quicksand of loneliness where I decide to live. I'm sure it will come with time. After all, that is what the refiner's fire is all about. Softening the metal to make it easier to work with. I believe the Good Lord is helping me be better and I just pray I can stay humble enough so when the licks come they don't hurt so bad. (i.e. I can be molded into a better me).
Tonight is Emma's turn to sleep in my bed. We will see what tomorrow brings.
