9:30 pm
So we were invited to a family night with another friend's family. We all went to dinner and then bowling. I haven't gone bowling in years and needless to say it was great fun with the family. It was a lot of laughs that we all needed. Ammon did his stereotypical hand/arm gestures to get the ball to move or change direction down the lane. We all had a good laugh. With the bumpers in place he did quite well!
I'm dreading going to sleep. Jan was dealing with a lot prior to her passing and she used TV to make her numb or not think. I don't want to do that and since her passing I have watched very little TV. I just see it as postponing what I need to deal with. I suppose it is like going to the dentist. Postponing doesn't help but does give you the false impression that your issue can wait. So I am not flipping out at work or going into some tirade but I still know when I am not firing on all cylinders. I feel like some days I am working like there is no issue and then a comment or thought changes that to where I feel like a house of cards just trying to avoid a strong breeze. For example, today I was perfectly fine until I mentioned one of the things I cannot yet deal with... Jan's shoes. They are exactly where she last took them off. I feel like I am making headway on some parts and not much on others. Last night as I was mulling over my loneliness trying to go to sleep I glanced over on Jan's side and noticed her stuffed rabbit that has a botched sewing job from when she was a kid and her dog ripped it up. It was one of her most memorable child toys given to her by her sister and she would keep it near her bed even before her passing. So there it was, lying on her pillow. I reached for it and once my hand took hold of it I just wept. Is that not the strangest thing? A stuffed animal for goodness sake. But, there I was in the dark holding this stuffed animal just feeling all the emotions of loneliness and abandonment that I felt at her departure. I suppose it is good to identify all the triggers that make it a struggle for me but yet here I am dreading going to sleep. I am fine when I am awake or asleep but the quiet transition to sleep is almost unbearable. Jan used to give me such a hard time about how quickly I could go to sleep. I believe it was because I was relaxed in her presence. Her mind was going a million miles an hour trying to plan everything. Now that my relaxation is no more I find myself with the same struggle. I need to sleep though at least try to. Claire's feeding is in a little over an hour and last night I didn't get to sleep until after 2. I have much more appreciation for Jan now than I had when she was here with our kids when they were nursing. I do believe I will be a much better person/husband/father/brother/son/friend when this trial is over than before it began. It is just a very difficult journey.
So we were invited to a family night with another friend's family. We all went to dinner and then bowling. I haven't gone bowling in years and needless to say it was great fun with the family. It was a lot of laughs that we all needed. Ammon did his stereotypical hand/arm gestures to get the ball to move or change direction down the lane. We all had a good laugh. With the bumpers in place he did quite well!
I'm dreading going to sleep. Jan was dealing with a lot prior to her passing and she used TV to make her numb or not think. I don't want to do that and since her passing I have watched very little TV. I just see it as postponing what I need to deal with. I suppose it is like going to the dentist. Postponing doesn't help but does give you the false impression that your issue can wait. So I am not flipping out at work or going into some tirade but I still know when I am not firing on all cylinders. I feel like some days I am working like there is no issue and then a comment or thought changes that to where I feel like a house of cards just trying to avoid a strong breeze. For example, today I was perfectly fine until I mentioned one of the things I cannot yet deal with... Jan's shoes. They are exactly where she last took them off. I feel like I am making headway on some parts and not much on others. Last night as I was mulling over my loneliness trying to go to sleep I glanced over on Jan's side and noticed her stuffed rabbit that has a botched sewing job from when she was a kid and her dog ripped it up. It was one of her most memorable child toys given to her by her sister and she would keep it near her bed even before her passing. So there it was, lying on her pillow. I reached for it and once my hand took hold of it I just wept. Is that not the strangest thing? A stuffed animal for goodness sake. But, there I was in the dark holding this stuffed animal just feeling all the emotions of loneliness and abandonment that I felt at her departure. I suppose it is good to identify all the triggers that make it a struggle for me but yet here I am dreading going to sleep. I am fine when I am awake or asleep but the quiet transition to sleep is almost unbearable. Jan used to give me such a hard time about how quickly I could go to sleep. I believe it was because I was relaxed in her presence. Her mind was going a million miles an hour trying to plan everything. Now that my relaxation is no more I find myself with the same struggle. I need to sleep though at least try to. Claire's feeding is in a little over an hour and last night I didn't get to sleep until after 2. I have much more appreciation for Jan now than I had when she was here with our kids when they were nursing. I do believe I will be a much better person/husband/father/brother/son/friend when this trial is over than before it began. It is just a very difficult journey.
