So I'm sleep, but it is not effective. I don't know how to explain it more than that. I do actually sleep but I awake as if I have not slept much at all. The wrap seems to be from God as it helps Claire settle down immediately. Right now I am typing this sitting on the couch and she is snuggled up against me in the wrap. It is a win/win.
I'm been thinking over all the well wishers and concerned people who have spoken with me or my family over the last few weeks. I know everyone is without words or what they do say comes out wrong. For example, there was one person who expressed sympathies and then said "but you are ok now, right?" I know they didn't realize how that came across but it summarizes how I feel personally. Like, alright, my wife died, I have kids to raise, now onto the next chapter. I should be "ok" now. I don't know what the normal grieving process looks like for anyone much less for losing a spouse. I have stuff to do at work and with the kids. It is difficult being "normal" in public. Everyone seems to catch themselves mid-sentence when they say "Hi Rob, How are you....doing?" Because to answer that really is not something I would really do in public and to not ask is a bit rude. So, on to how I heal quickly. This is a process I realize I must go through and like any process I am a bit reluctant to dive right in on some parts.
I've been pondering the same instruction I gave the Sunday school kids I would teach and say "You never know what life is going to throw your direction so start by packing your spiritual toolbox so when life throws a curve ball at you and you feel you are without resources you can open up this toolbox and have some" Sometimes I hear the lesson of
"if you do what is right nothing bad will ever happen to you".
I have heard this over and over. Believing this lesson is an unfortunate disservice to anyone who accepts this as truth. It is true, for example, if you don't drink it is not likely that you will suffer the pains of someone who is an alcoholic or if you don't do drugs you won't face the repercussions of dealing with the consequences of that lifestyle; however, it is not true that if you don't drink or do drugs that your wife won't die in childbirth or that you won't be struck by a drunk driver and have a family member killed. I believe the thought of "if you do what is right nothing bad will ever happen to you" can be changed to say "if you do what is right your personal belief in God or in righteousness will increase thus giving you faith that you can put in your spiritual toolbox for later use". The truth is life is as it has always been called "the school of hard knocks" and like any school you can learn from it or become bitter blaming others that you had a bad hand dealt. I learned early on that there is a lot of things I don't have control over and there is no use spending energy on that since I can't do anything about it; however, there is a small amount I do have control over - mainly my own actions and thoughts. If I alter this I can begin to change how I see the world and thus improve my relationship with others as well as with myself.
8:54 pm -
My kids and I watched a portion of "Rio" the cartoon movie. I enjoyed cuddling with them on the couch. Claire needs her meds and I will try to grab some sleep before the 11:00 pm feeding.
