12:57 pm -
After juggling some things at work I took Claire to her first Dr. appointment. All went well. We will see a neurologist in the near future (2 weeks). We have another appointment with the doctor in about 10 days. He said she looks good and there are no apparent issues. That is good news.
I then had a call from my medical insurance company asking if I wanted to have a case worker for my claims. Um... yes. She asked if I have any financial difficulties. I asked if she was referring to before or after this incident. She asked if I was feeling depressed. hmm... I wonder. I never thought bringing Claire home would result in another wave of depression. She asked if I would be open to anti-depressants. I said I would be open to counseling more than just popping a pill to bury my feelings. Perhaps I am opinionated on the subject but I think it is OK to have feelings. To feel. To feel angry, happy, sad, depressed, grief, elation, etc... these are OK. To force yourself to not feel one of these seems a greater ill. So I feel angry... or depressed. It is a season and it will end. I will have gone through it and be able to help those that haven't. I know from past experience I have lived through events that have tested my mental/spiritual/emotional strength and I have emerged the stronger. I have no reason to believe this will be any different. Is it tough? Is it unpleasant? Yes, but so what? Nobody said life was without growth. It is like we pray to be like Christ but then shirk at the time when we have to stretch and grow. We may even pray to not have those hard times. Just like working out... you may be sore for a couple of days but your body grows to be stronger than before. It is life and it is high time that I feel and heal. After all the end-result is the effect of the journey. The journey is what matters. It all begins with a single point of time. A decision.
11:19 pm -
Well, Claire and I worked on our bonding this evening. She is determined not to take more than two oz at the 11 pm feeding. So, she is back to sleep and I'm sure she will be ready at 3:00 am for grandma. Having Claire back is tough. I never realized how tough it would be. Not the duties of fatherhood but the absence of motherhood. I just flat out miss Jan. There is no grand phrase or words to use. I just miss her.
11:37 pm -
I've had multiple people share with me how this blog has helped them. I never imagined that it would be helpful to others but I am glad it is. I suppose we all can appreciate another person's trials and see a little of ourselves in them. All in all - I'm sure everything with my family will work out in the end... the journey though is the toughest I have ever traveled. It brings new meaning to the poem of footprints in the sand. If you haven't read it, Google it. The feeling of isolation and being alone is huge. My sister used the phrase bittersweet. I do not believe that is a good word to capture how I am feeling. The extreme is not captured in that phrase. It is the extreme sorrow/sadness mixed with extreme happiness and joy that is so difficult to capture. As a friend stated earlier today "joy and pain at the same time". What is missing from the phrase bittersweet is the word pain. I find myself continually telling Jan that this isn't the way it was supposed to work. When I'm feeding Claire... when I am going from Emma/Madilyn's room, to Ammon's, to mine... back and forth like a ball in a pinball machine. How does a single parent do this? I asked my mom who raised me and my other 2 sisters alone. She just said what I feel. You just do it. You don't think about how you will do it... you just take one day/moment at a time. As it was with her so it is with me.
I'm going to try to get some sleep so I can function tomorrow.
