3:45 am -
I believe we have identified one source of the gas pains. The nipple we were using was releasing too much volume for Claire and she was gulping air. We used a more restrictive nipple and it appears to have helped.
I've had mixed emotions all yesterday into today. A lot of anger and frustration. I consider myself a patient person but apparently not when I am grieving. I'm not angry at Jan... just angry at the situation. I never thought I would be a widower at 37 with 4 kids. That is just nuts. That phrase "hindsight is 20/20" is beyond true when dealing with a tragedy. All of the pointless reflection on how things transpired do nothing to ease the pain and everything to assist in making it worse. So what if I had a flux capacitor and could go back in time? What would I do? As much as I miss Jan and as much as I would want things to work out differently, I don't know if I would change anything. I believe that hard times even times that seriously stretch you well beyond your comfort zone are for your good and the desire to avoid them is childish. These events have the potential to help you be a better you. I could be bitter at the world and piss and moan about the situation or I can learn from it and help others. I find my kids are sponges and how I react will be remembered and may (and probably will) affect them as well. I just try to keep in mind that this life isn't just for the here and now... there is much more after this life. The question I try to ask myself is what am I doing to be a better me today than yesterday and how can this event help me to be better.
8:39 pm -
So Jan had purchased a wrap for holding Claire. I was not too anxious to even try it because I used a Baby Bjorn for our other three. Anyway, with my back hurting and Claire having gas pains I was told the wrap helps both. I got some instructions from one of our friends and held Claire in it. She LOVED it. She stopped crying once she was in it. I was so accustomed to carrying our kids in a Baby Bjorn that I didn't think a wrap could be better. Well, it is. My back doesn't hurt near as much. This one has flowers but oh well. It will be a good memory of Jan.
I'm just exhausted from everything. I forgot how much a newborn can zap your energy. She isn't even a toddler yet! I think I am also just exhausted mentally/spiritually/emotionally. I find myself looking at objects in our home and recalling a memory with Jan. Seeing her putting on makeup... watching as she used various makeup brushes. Seeing her sit at the family computer writing email. Seeing her close the door after me as I leave to go back to work after lunch. Seeing her pull into the driveway. I suppose I just miss her looking into my eyes. I guess it was the look that needed no words that said a million. I just miss that more than anything else.
