Before retiring last night we took down the tree and cleaned up. All the reminders I thought would be put away and we all could begin anew. I walked into the dark living room only to realize that I will always have reminders. I swear this pain doesn't stop. The whirlwind of activity over the last 11 days has left little time for feeling. Today I am working on decking my attic for additional storage to offset the shortage we have with grandma moving in for a while. I welcome these projects and at the same time I find myself sitting and staring into nothing. Sitting catatonic in a chair seems to be more of a normal thing these days. I easily snap out when my kids come around or some activity demands my attention. I wonder how this new normal will look. All the activity has given me a little amnesia on Jan which has helped. I reflected on the title of a book Jan has called "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die". I spoke with her in detail about this concept prior to her passing and feel it is my turn to experience this awful truth first hand. I can put on a poker face as good as the next guy but no matter how good the reality is I have a raw unhealed wound that I have neglected to address. I suppose in life we all put on our "happy faces" and when someone asks "How you doin'?" the appropriate reply is "Good, and you?" or perhaps just a head nod. Some people really don't want to know because most people are without resources to assist. How do you lift someone up when you are not above them? Some people are genuinely caring and their desire for your welfare is self-evident in their normal day-to-day interactions. Others my really care but not know how to help leading to awkward interactions. How do you begin to process this pain? I know... I know... Counseling. Perhaps that is a good start. This blog has been healing for me. I get tickled to find out people are actively reading this stuff. I never thought I would have a following for this type of venting. Perhaps everyone relates a little to my tirades. I did not think this would be my shtick but it has brought more healing than anything else.
Well - it is 8:00 and the house is still dark. I suppose now is a good enough time to start the process of getting breakfast going.
8:27 pm
Got my attic decked.... partially. Went to see Claire and she is doing so well! The NICU is moving her to a less critical area of NICU. How fun! Below is a pic of Emma holding Claire. We are just waiting on her to improve her eating volume and she will be home! Thank you for everyone's prayers!
My kids convinced me to stay up to 12:00 to see in the new year. I completely forgot what day it was. This is just a nice change to all the horrific events of the last few days.
