Well... opening presents is over. I'm ready to take down the tree. I completed writing a talk to be read at Jan's funeral. I swear nothing I write is going to be good enough. How do you describe someone you love? You can share stories and attributes but the feelings themselves are so very difficult to describe. I received a note from a friend about some challenges he faced when his son died. I related so much to this. I'm trying to figure out how to live and not just survive. It is a new chapter in my life and a new chapter of life... not just survival. I don't know how I am going to do tomorrow. I had to bury my father in July and that was one of the hardest things I have experienced. I didn't even get along with him very well and it was hard. I was a pallbearer and I wouldn't wish that upon any family member. It is cruel. I am still dealing with issues on this when my wife died and now I feel like a complete mess. My kids are keeping me going. I love their smiles and laughter. I love their hugs and compassion for me. We are helping each other during this time. It is a tough road. For those that have not experienced this I suggest likening it to a severely injured arm/leg/etc... You just don't realize how much you depend on it until you cannot... except this injury just doesn't go away. From what I understand you just get stronger.
4:10 pm -
I just returned from seeing Claire. She is so precious. Her little body is completely warmed back up. She is having seizures and the doctors are monitoring this. They expected more activity once her body was back up to temp so the seizures are not unexpected. With all that being said the next 24 hours is when most of any new activity is expected to occur. I told the doctors that I would probably not be able to make it tomorrow because of the funeral. They are understanding and told me that they are available 24/7 by phone anytime I would like an update and that they would call me if something bad occurred. Previously they gave me a piece of cloth to keep on me or by me so my scent would get on the cloth. They wanted me to return this to Claire so she could become accustomed to what I smell like. I was able to return this today. They also mentioned that in the near future they will be removing the IV in her umbilical cord and I could hold her. It will be a little bit of healing when I can. My daughter noticed that my wife's newborn picture and Claire look nearly identical. When she showed me I had to agree. It is a little odd that they share the same birthday. Perhaps that will help me get through that tough time of the year.
9:52 pm -
I am finally in bed. This night is Madilyn's night. She is kinda a magnet to anyone sleeping so good luck to me having any room. Anyways, I completed the talk and sent it to Kurt who will be reading it for me. I don't feel it expresses my feelings but then again how do you express all of your feelings for someone in 4 pages of text. Try it sometime. It is not that easy. I am dreading tomorrow. I am reliving my father's funeral in July in my mind and just want it to be over. Our family got to a place of peace over the last few days. My kids were playing with the cousins who came over. There was the normal chaos of kids running and screaming. There were still tears but it was better. I am ready to keep going on this path and I believe the funeral tomorrow will thrust us directly back to the 22nd. There were heartfelt gifts given by my sister which I know will also trigger a huge emotional reaction. I don't know. I'm just trying to do what is right for my kiddos. I have asked my brother-in-law to play a piano piece for Jan's funeral. He has been a huge support for her and I am so very grateful for his willingness to play. I told him he didn't need to but he said he wanted to do this for Jan. I told him I don't believe any text or speech can describe Jan better than Music from his fingers. Being an emotionally charged piano piece coupled with an emotionally charged environment is sure to get the buckets of tears flowing. That was not the intention. The song (Clair de lune by Debussy) is one of Jan's favorites and one she played beautifully. To hear that song played again by her brother would represent what we lost. I suppose I should try to get some sleep before the big day.... until tomorrow.
