I slept about as good as a person could with my daughter jabbing me with her elbow through the night. Her sadness is great and I welcome them sleeping in my bed if it brings comfort. It seems every day I awake like a normal day only to have a wave of sadness hit me as I realize this nightmare won't end. I just don't understand how Heaven can be a happy place without your entire family there. I have heard that our loved ones watch over us here and I have had enough personal experiences to believe that; however, that does not stop the pain and anguish that is felt. It seems it would be torture to see my family saddened at my loss if the situation was reversed. Perhaps there is much more support for her. There was a Native American right of passage that was shared at Jan's funeral that I have reflected on again and again. The right of passage goes like this -
A father takes his son into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone sitting on a stump. He is required to do three things to pass this test.
- Not remove the blindfold until the morning sun's rays cut through
- Not move from the stump
- Not cry out
Once he survives the night, he is a Man. He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own. The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. As the night moves on he can hear wild beasts of the forest. The wind howls and his fear increases, but he sits stoically. Finally, after a horrific night the morning sun's rays cut through the blindfold. As he removes the blindfold and his eyes adjust to the brightness his first view is of his father sitting on an adjacent stump with his bow drawn protecting him through the night.
I have been thinking on this right of passage. The need for us to feel alone. The test of courage and steadfastness. The love of our Father for our personal safety but yet our feeling as if our personal safety relies entirely on us. The fear and challenges that we must overcome through the darkness with our Father watching over us. A right of passage indeed. When I reflect on the life events of 2014 I can honestly say I have grown. There are few experiences I can count that have impacted me as much as this one. I jokingly said to someone after the funeral that the only thing missing was a house fire to complete the picture. Life events can be cruel and painful. As I reflect on this Indian right of passage I know that I am not alone. This brings comfort more than anything else.
10:15 am -
I received multiple requests for the link to PayPal and went ahead and posted it on the main page. I am humbled by the financial support I have received and appreciate it. Regardless of the financial support I appreciate the prayers more than anything. Thank you.
9:46 pm -
Well, today was an action-packed day. One of Jan's friends lives in Southlake and I ended up dropping my kids off there to play while grandma and I went to see Claire. Claire's health is just improving. The doctors are very pleased with her progress. She is drinking from a bottle and doing what all of my kids did when feeding - she fell asleep. I just smiled. It was the first time in a while that I found myself genuinely smiling.
It was only a few days ago that the outcome was grim. The complete turn-around is not only pleasing but healing. During the day I felt like Jan was pleased with some of the decisions that were made with Claire. Even the NICU head nurse commented that Jan would be proud of me for standing up for Jan's desires. That felt good.
Tomorrow I am out to buy plywood to start decking our attic so we can move some stuff up there to give us more room in the house for Claire and grandma. I am so grateful for the support of my family and friends. I am especially grateful for the prayers that have been sent Claire's direction.
Madilyn and Ammon are with me tonight. We will see if I get any sleep. I enjoy their company so I'm not complaining.
