Last night my older girls slept in my bed. I had forgotten about their sleeping habits. Our oldest would rotate in the bed when she was an infant and needless to say it was entertaining last night. She didn't rotate but there was a bit of a cover war. I don't fault them though. I would want to sleep with my parent if the other had died.
Yesterday I worked with getting the funeral arrangements done. We had to collect pictures and organize a slide-show for the funeral. Because my wife had gobs of fluids pumped into her in attempts of saving her life she really doesn't resemble who she looked like so I will be doing a closed casket funeral. My kids are torn on this but I honestly believe it is for the best. I don't want them to be scared. We also collected music to play during the slideshow and at the funeral. This was most difficult because music is a huge part of our family. My wife and I are band nerds. In HS she was the drum major and I was the president. In college she majored in music and while I didn't I did enjoy playing in the jazz bands there. So I had collected a few pieces of music that were representative of her. One was a piano piece I recorded in secret when she was practicing. The other was of her singing a children's song about how families are to be together forever. Needless to say I wept when hearing both songs. I swear the few days after the death of a loved one is pure torture to those that have to arrange this stuff.
Right before we retired for the eventing last night the doorbell rang with a family friend bringing gifts for our kids from their children. Our girls received necklaces with sweet messages about mothers and my son received a stuffed animal and some flashlights with a note about how "No matter how dark the days may be, whenever you play with this flashlight it will remind you that the light of your mother's love will forever shine in your life, until you meet again." This was paid for by their children's jar money. We all wept at the love that has been extended.
I awoke this morning like any morning and came into the living room. I'm getting email notifications of amazon recommendations for items I purchased for my wife. I have not begun to work though the Christmas situation. My wife and I had purchased gifts in advance but as Jeff Foxworthy accurately stated in one of his comedic routines if our wife's were not involved we would be in serious trouble. "As gifts are being passed out he panics and whispers to his wife.. 'Did you get something for my mother this year?!'" I have a closet that has gifts unwrapped still in boxes from the shipper. Who got what? What was this thing for? Well, good job Rob. I guess you will figure it out and nobody will know how much it is screwed up other than Jan who will be looking down on me and asking for heavenly assistance in giving me a prompting for who got what. I never realized how much I took my wife for granted. She just did so much. Her departure still seems like a dream. It is easier for me to think of her on vacation without a cell phone than actually gone. I found her purse in the living room. I didn't think much of it until I realized that she will not be back to tend to it. It is organized just like she wanted and left just as she had last used it. I hate to disturb what she last did. Part of me wants to keep everything the same. Another wants to completely remove all reminders of her.
I finally got the funeral details set. For any who wish to attend it is as follows:
Friends are invited to a visitation with the family at 10:00 AM on December 26, 2014 at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 3809 Curt Drive, Arlington, TX 76016. The funeral service will follow at 11:00 AM. Internment will be at Emerald Hills Memorial Park, 500 W. Sublett Road, Kennedale, TX 76060, for family, pallbearers, and their families only.
So I spent the better part of the day getting the funeral details on paper for who would be giving prayers, who would be talking, musical numbers, etc... I realized that I really wanted to share my thoughts and spent time putting something together that would be representative of Jan.
Claire is doing better. She has had a seizure and meds were given to counteract this but nonetheless her status is much improved over the last time. She is urinating and her process of reheating after the hypothermia treatment is nearly complete. She isn't out of the woods yet but the fact that she is barely on a respirator is music to my ears. I am anxious to hold her. I am very concerned that she cannot be held. My oldest daughter was in the NICU for about a month and after she got home we were unable to hold her to help calm her down if she was distraught. We would put her in her bed and 5 min later she would be calm (and in the process of going to sleep). Today she is similar in that she is not a cuddlebug like my other kiddos. Perhaps this is related to the NICU or perhaps it is something else entirely. I just know if I were in the NICU I would want someone to hold me.
I finally finished the Christmas package wrapping with my mom and sister and I learned one lesson. I suck. I realized all my wife did. All her planning... all her preparation was shown tonight. Her gifts were easy and completely planned and thoughtful while mine were... not. I found my wife was thoughtful of me as she got me a gift I didn't know about. I realized my idea of cash for a gift to buy new clothing was good but not thoughtful. It was more like... "here is some cash because you are not a priority for me to attempt getting you something you would like". There is nothing personal about cash. It is almost shown as an obligation. I wish I could go back in time and correct this dreadful error. I suppose I never realized the impact it had until she was gone and I saw the gift for what it was. Just impersonal one size fits all approach to avoid the complexities of caring.
My emotions have been all over the map recently and my inability to accept my wife's departure is issue #1. My kids are having a very tough time. I'm staying strong as I can and I don't believe it is good enough. My heart breaks for them. I don't have a solution other than to hug them and let them know we will get through this together and that they are not alone.
Off to bed. I'm sure there will be tears tomorrow.
