I awoke around 7:00 am. I found that everyone was still sleeping. I wept. My wife and I have a king size bed so there is a "side" that is all Jan. It is difficult looking in that direction. I found out yesterday that my wife shared with my mother that she purchased a gift for me for Christmas. I love my wife and it is yet another example of how I feel I failed as a husband. You see, I am very hard on my shoes. They normally go from new to old in about 6-8 months. I have had a difficult time 1.) finding someone who caries my size 2.) finding a style in my size 3.) finding one that won't fall apart. I shared with my wife that Red Wing shoes apparently can withstand me. I'm not a small person by any stretch of the imagination. I'm about 6'3" and not that thin. Suffice it to say my shoes take a beating. My wife had a favorite pair of my Red Wing shoes resoled and then purchased a gift certificate for me to purchase another pair. I normally try to save money by buying my shoes on eBay or some online source to save the $$ but my wife was thoughtful enough to do this for me. And all I got her was cash. Do you see my frustration at myself? I have to go through her purse to find the gift certificate and receipts. I am not looking forward to this.
Anyways - I forgot that today was an alternate trash day so I took out what amounted to about a 4' x 4' x 4' cube of garbage from pre-Christmas, to Christmas, to Funeral trash. The recycle bin is overflowing and it will be good to get it removed.
My wife has been writing in journals on and off for most of our marriage. I feel like I am invading privacy by looking in them and yet I miss looking at her handwriting. To know she wrote those words bring both comfort and sadness.
I have published my talk I wrote for her funeral here.
Well I am off to the kitchen. People are up and moving. I suppose I should get breakfast going.
9:34 pm -
I barked at my sister because she was making eggs wrong. I mean who does that, right? I realized that the method of egg making was one of a few that Jan taught me. Funny how I reacted and sad at the same time.
I was able to visit Claire tonight. She is not doing too well. The doctor's believe there is brain damage but they do not know how much. They will run additional tests probably on Monday or Tuesday to see exactly. They took her off the ventilator and she was able to breathe on her own; however, her breaths were shallow and they had to put her on a CPAP machine to assist. While I was there, this was also not good enough and they had to put an additional forced breath to assist with the oxygen levels. That addressed the oxygen but not the carbon dioxide which is collecting because she is not exhaling enough. It was tough getting the ins and outs to breathing as it relates to long-term solutions. They may have to put the ventilator back in tonight. Claire did kind of open her eyes a bit. She also sucked a little on a pacifier. The doctors removed a tube they put into her umbilical so I could hold her. I enjoyed holding her and had an enlightened thought. If she doesn't make it she will be with her Mom and me if she does. I don't know if making it is good in that case. I use sarcasm a lot but in all seriousness I am happy knowing that there is a parent on either side to help her.
All of the kids are with me tonight. I think I may need to get two king beds in my room to hold them all. We are all shoulder to shoulder.
