At 5:30 am I awoke to the sound of the shower running. Madilyn was tossing and turning in the bed beside me. My alarm went off at 6:00 and by the time 7:00 hit we were all sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast.
Ammon was crying this morning. He hasn't shown a lot of emotion so far but he opened up to me and we wept together. He was wondering if mom would look the same when we see her again in Heaven. I said she would look better. My wife was dealing with a lot of life challenges and my son recalls many days and nights when my wife would just barricade herself in the bedroom. He shared how he wanted to see her today and I had to explain how she doesn't look like she normally did and that we were not going to open the casket. After some good tears he said.. "I think I am done and ready to go now". So, we hugged and he scampered off to breakfast.
We have to leave in an hour in a half and I'm dreading this day. We have had an absolute outpouring of love for our little family and today I will be putting my best friend and mother to our children in the ground. This was not part of the plan. I just don't understand how everything will work out. I just want the pain to stop and so far everyone I have spoken to that has experienced this type of loss tells me the pain never leaves but you get stronger. I cannot visualize living into my 80's without her; however, I can visualize living this week. Perhaps I just take this one step at a time. From weeks to months to years. I just hurt and I now understand why people contemplate suicide. I told my mom that my kiddos are keeping me strong and physically here. They are my reason to live. After all a portion of my wife and me is what made my kids physically so looking at them at times I see my wife. My mom is and has always been a huge supporter of me. I don't know how to adequately repay the service she is rendering to my family. I know she hurts to see me in pain and I hurt knowing I'm causing her pain. She has gone through so much. We all miss Jan after all... it is not just me. I owe her so much. Anyways... I suppose I should start the day.
9:51 PM
The crowds have left.... the kids are in bed... the house is quiet. I have picked up the empty cups and attempted to tidy up a bit. What a horrific day. I believe that takes the cake for bad days I have experienced. I had a lot of support for today which is good. I don't know if I will have such support in the future and that is what is concerning.
I arrived about an hour early and had a moment with my wife. Her physical condition had deteriorated and I was convinced further that the casket needed to be closed during the entire ceremony. I forbid my kids from seeing her. There was a large crowd that had come to pay their respects. I was shocked to see people had traveled long distances from Houston as well as towns in Oklahoma. I saw some of my staff, various managers, and my boss. I also saw my old boss who now lives in the DFW area. All had come to support me. I was extremely touched. I had on my "I'll deal with my emotions later" face and was able to get through it. It was not easy as my kids were struggling. My brother-in-law played the piano beautifully and I also played a secret recording of my wife playing the piano. Both were beautiful. The talk I wrote was OK but then again I don't think I would ever be happy with it. Jan taught me a lesson during funerals. She always stood during the last song to pay tribute to the dead. A way of showing respect. I decided I should do the same for her. I stood and my family joined me.
Once at the cemetery we were able to have a quick service and the casket was put into a burial vault. That was tough to see that occur. I did not stay to see the vault lowered into the ground. We journeyed back to the house probably close to 2-3 pm. There was gobs of people and food. It was chaos until about 9:30 pm. Now that it is quiet I am beginning to feel again.
Claire is having a tough go. She has had a bunch more seizures and the neurologist says this is normal and should show down once the bad cells in the brain are flushed out in about 24-48 hrs. Her ventilator has been increased as well so suffice it to say that I am worried.
For a short moment tonight I felt like my wife was standing beside me in the kitchen. It was a calming feeling. I don't know how to describe it other than I felt she was there.
