I awoke many times during the night with a knee in my back. I just didn't sleep well. I suppose it is a mixture of knees and elbows jabbing me along with the fact that I am struggling with Claire. All information shared yesterday about Claire was tough to hear.
My wife spent significant effort on being genuine. She didn't want to do or be something because it was expected. The term she used was "following a pattern". There were gobs of patterns that could get you to do something that you really didn't want to do. For example, you could have friends running the "war pattern" where you were either supporting them or an enemy. So if you disagreed with them but didn't want them to believe you were an enemy you could feel obligated to agree with them. Another pattern could be religion. Doing things because you are supposed to do them regardless of your personal testimony. Another could be family patterns where certain people act a certain way and it was customary to accept their actions and interact with them even though your personal feelings were 180 degrees off. Jan's desire was to be genuine. To do, act, and believe as she wished without influence of some outward expectation. I admire her for taking a stand on this. Often she would ask herself how she was feeling about going or doing something. She strived to be genuine. Shakespeare, speaking through Polonius in Hamlet, said,
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
(act 1, scene 3, lines 78–80)
I feel I am asking myself the same questions. Why am I acting how I am acting. What is driving those actions. Is it me or some obligation to something else. While I am not as good at looking at that aspect I find myself doing this more and more to ensure I am doing what is needed. Today is Sunday. To go or not go to Church. While I know everyone is loving and supportive I really feel there are only a handful of people (in comparison to everyone) who really get it. They have lost either a child or spouse and can understand. There are only a handful of children who have lost either a sibling or a parent who can understand. Everyone else just strives to be supportive. It is this shock and disbelief that makes it difficult for me to go to Church. I might as well be 10 feet tall wearing a purple leisure suit.
My son awoke and is cuddling with me. He had dreams of his mother. They brought both comfort and sadness. Well... we are going to put on a movie and spend some time together.
6:47 pm
I went to Jan's grave this evening to dedicate the grave - which is essentially a short prayer using the priesthood. One of the flower arrangements was lying on top of the dirt mound. I have no idea what happened to the flower arrangement that was sitting on top of her casket. They moved it on top of the burial vault the last time I saw it but I don't know if it was buried with her or what. My daughter wrote a note from all of us and placed it on the grave by the flowers that were left on top. I need to start the process of getting a grave marker.
My daughter Claire's health is improving. She is now breathing with only a small oxygen tube in her nose. The NICU will attempt feeding with a bottle tonight if she is awake. She has a battery of tests on her brain tomorrow to give better insights to what all is going on. My thoughts are on her constantly. The doctors said a week ago they didn't think she was going to make it but today the outlook is much more positive. That is encouraging.
I'm watching the BYU TV show called "Studio C" tonight with my family to try to get some laughs. We need em'. My kids emotions have been on edge and I play with them and spend time with them to help them through this tragic event. This blog is the only time I am not directly on the floor with Legos or holding one of them.
Tonight is Madilyn and Ammon. Maybe a bit more room in the bed. My sister got me (and each of my kids) a journal to write some thoughts on Jan for future memory refection. I will start writing tonight.
