12:25 pm -
So last night was a very tough night for me. I wept going to sleep and then once I was awake with Claire this morning I was weeping again. I get the feeling Jan is around but I wish I could talk with her. You know, I carry around an iPhone. I receive calls and make calls but overall the phone to me represents the ability to make and receive calls more than it actually is used for calls. I received gobs of calls from Jan and made calls to her using that phone. My phone would ring and I would see it was from her. If I was in a meeting I would mute the phone and continue with the meeting. If she called again and again I knew it was an emergency and would answer the phone. I had a bad habit of not returning text messages, emails, and phone calls from Jan. I figured I would just talk to her during lunch or dinner and it wasn't a big deal. I thought yesterday about how much I would pay to just have a conversation with Jan. To just hear her voice. I scoured the voice-mail, text, and email messages in search of any personal note to me. I found very little. Most of our conversations were done in person and when I want to reflect on a personal note to me the most I am left with nothing. I have the holiday note with a short message but seriously, how often do married people write letters to each other? So, that is another thing I would do differently. I suppose I am just going through another wave of sadness. It takes a lot of energy to feel. A lot is not an adequate description. It takes nearly all my energy to feel. If I feel I am unable to function. If I don't feel I can function but then I end up falling apart when something triggers me. I swear - I am beginning to understand why Jan was so exhausted as she was working through her challenges. I understand why she chose to just watch TV. I just don't want to feel but I do. It is a real conflict.
8:09 pm -
So I smoked a brisket and two pork shoulders. The pork did not turn out like I wanted but the brisket is passable. The roof was completed yesterday and I have small remnants of roofing material everywhere. I am a perfectionist when paint is involved and normally that means I don't enjoy painting because it takes me so long to do. The roofers painted a portion of material that is like metal siding or something. Anyway, there was some overspray on the house and it looks like someone did it in the dark... which they probably did. Note to any roofer - don't use black spray paint in the dark. I was going to get my home repainted but now it is a must.
So I am mentally done. There was one thing after another today and Jan has been on my mind every moment of the day. I got one of the medical bills in the mail today. Apparently they charge for every time they administered CPR. Over 1K for every time. It appears they did this 4 times. Every freaking bill pulls me right back into the thick of things. I just want this to be over.
To quote J.R.R. Tolkien's character Bilbo Baggins from The Lord of the Rings - "I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread". As odd as it sounds I understand why stories are so very important. My ability to capture how I am feeling is so limited. A story helps build the foundation that is similar enough so when events happen the reader has a framework to understand the depth of emotion that the event carries. Perhaps that is why some books bring us to tears or drive us to action.
Tonight is ice cream night. You know this reminds me of a quote from the director of the movie "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead"... Joe Cross. He said "Sugar never let me down". I get that. As an introvert I don't feed off of people. I feed off of silence and reflection. That is my recharge; however, silence and reflection of late is more painful than recharging. Sugar seems to give me a happy feeling that takes the cares of the world away for a time. It is unhealthy, yes, but as a weekly family treat we embrace it as a good memory builder. I have to be careful because with all that has been going on I feel I could just sit down with a 1/2 gallon of Blue Bell and eat my cares away. So I teeter between keeping busy and full exhaustion. This helps me not have to reflect and feel. I feel lame that I am trying to avoid feeling. Lame but realistic to what I am able to do. I realize this is a new normal I am working to get to. I am just trying to accept that the old normal is no more. That is the hardest.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
30 Jan 2015 (41 days after The Day)
6:42 am -
Claire is having gas pains again. I think we are just getting the feeding thing down to what works for her. Emma is reading gobs of Shakespeare plays and it is fun discussing them with her. When I asked about what she likes about Shakespeare's plays she says "he has a lot of tangled up plots and it makes reading it fun".
10:12 pm -
Today was another tough day. Lots of emotions. I expressed the word endure to someone today like the ice cube experiment I had during our birthing class when I had to squeeze an ice cube and Jan had to comfort me without removing the ice cube. I also said after Jan's death endurance is like a treadmill set at a constant pace that is manageable. You cannot get off and the treadmill backs up to the grand canyon. People can cheer you on but cannot do it for you. I can and do get support from others as they cheer me on but ultimately I must have the inward drive to continue forward or I will die. Endurance really is telling yourself to go forward but with every part of you telling (or screaming at) yourself to give up. I have a new appreciation for those that have endured hard times in life. This process will probably make me stronger and it still sucks. My kids give me strength and that is worth everything to me.
Claire is having gas pains again. I think we are just getting the feeding thing down to what works for her. Emma is reading gobs of Shakespeare plays and it is fun discussing them with her. When I asked about what she likes about Shakespeare's plays she says "he has a lot of tangled up plots and it makes reading it fun".
10:12 pm -
Today was another tough day. Lots of emotions. I expressed the word endure to someone today like the ice cube experiment I had during our birthing class when I had to squeeze an ice cube and Jan had to comfort me without removing the ice cube. I also said after Jan's death endurance is like a treadmill set at a constant pace that is manageable. You cannot get off and the treadmill backs up to the grand canyon. People can cheer you on but cannot do it for you. I can and do get support from others as they cheer me on but ultimately I must have the inward drive to continue forward or I will die. Endurance really is telling yourself to go forward but with every part of you telling (or screaming at) yourself to give up. I have a new appreciation for those that have endured hard times in life. This process will probably make me stronger and it still sucks. My kids give me strength and that is worth everything to me.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
29 Jan 2015 (40 days after The Day)
Forty days. Wow. Seems like yesterday. Forty days of pain and sorrow. Wow. How is that for an opening line? So cheery. I'm tired and getting busy with work again. That is healing. I am also busy here at the house. New roof is being put on tomorrow. Nothing like a new roof being installed with a newborn in the home. I think I will have Grandma take Claire somewhere tomorrow to get out of the house. I just laughed at myself yesterday when I had to pick the color for my roof. I mean, I'm a grown man and I struggled with picking a color. I never realized how dependent I was on Jan. How embarrassing! Well, I haven't purchased clothing for myself yet so that will be fun.
A common feeling I am having is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like there is something that has yet to happen. So, regarding all that has transpired with Jan, I feel like something will happen soon that will be just as big. I don't know what or if anything would happen but it is a looming feeling that I cannot shake. It is weird. I suppose with the events of late (my dad and Jan passing, Claire's medical stuff, my car battery) I just feel like this run of events is not yet over. You know... my watch battery died on 12/15/2014. I haven't gone to get it repaired yet and the watch reminds me of Jan so it is a little difficult to get it repaired. Before she passed I told her the watch died and she mentioned that I needed to just take it in. So, every day I look at my bedside table and see this watch that has stopped working. I guess it just represents me in a way. Looks normal on the outside but fails to function on the inside.
I have another wave of exhaustion I'm dealing with. Claire is eating more and that is good. I'm excited that she is getting better.
A common feeling I am having is waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like there is something that has yet to happen. So, regarding all that has transpired with Jan, I feel like something will happen soon that will be just as big. I don't know what or if anything would happen but it is a looming feeling that I cannot shake. It is weird. I suppose with the events of late (my dad and Jan passing, Claire's medical stuff, my car battery) I just feel like this run of events is not yet over. You know... my watch battery died on 12/15/2014. I haven't gone to get it repaired yet and the watch reminds me of Jan so it is a little difficult to get it repaired. Before she passed I told her the watch died and she mentioned that I needed to just take it in. So, every day I look at my bedside table and see this watch that has stopped working. I guess it just represents me in a way. Looks normal on the outside but fails to function on the inside.
I have another wave of exhaustion I'm dealing with. Claire is eating more and that is good. I'm excited that she is getting better.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
28 Jan 2015 (39 days after The Day)
So I've been thinking on triggers that make me sad. There are many but mainly songs. I feel like I can be composed enough to function in public these days. I am still tired but it is not as bad.
I had a daddy-daughter date with Madilyn tonight. We went to Sonic and got hot fudge sundaes. We talked and visited. It was good. We put gas in the car and Madilyn practiced cleaning the windows with the squeegee. We talked about fond memories of Jan and I asked her to write them in a Journal so she will always remember them.
When I got home Ammon shared that he got to hold Claire and that she smiled at him. I believe it was a healing/bonding moment for him. This made me smile. So, what is it with infants and their smiles. They are so very innocent and just touch your soul. I'm hoping Claire has a good night. I'm not looking forward to giving her the medicine in a few minutes. Grandma shared with me that it was a chore getting her to calm down and go to sleep.
I was amazed when my kids were born at how different their personalities were. Emma was very high energy. Madilyn was a lot less. Ammon was a little more than Madilyn but still very relaxed. They all have different interests and talents. They all are so very unique. I am finding that this uniqueness extends to how they mourn. They each go about it differently.
My battery died in my car and I have to get it replaced. You know, I am looking forward to when this barrage of "bad" events comes to an end. I know there is a positive in everything. I shared today with a good friend that there is good that has come from losing Jan. I now realize how much I love her. It is hard to know how good ice cream is if all you eat is ice cream. Having a lemon can expand your understanding of something you experience. So it is with pain and suffering with the loss of a loved one. I feel the depth of my love and appreciation for her is all the more. I know the lessons I have learned I can apply now. I can express my appreciation more. I can say thank you more. I can smile more. All things I wish I did more of when she was here. I suppose it is yet another chapter of just trying to improve myself.
I had a daddy-daughter date with Madilyn tonight. We went to Sonic and got hot fudge sundaes. We talked and visited. It was good. We put gas in the car and Madilyn practiced cleaning the windows with the squeegee. We talked about fond memories of Jan and I asked her to write them in a Journal so she will always remember them.
When I got home Ammon shared that he got to hold Claire and that she smiled at him. I believe it was a healing/bonding moment for him. This made me smile. So, what is it with infants and their smiles. They are so very innocent and just touch your soul. I'm hoping Claire has a good night. I'm not looking forward to giving her the medicine in a few minutes. Grandma shared with me that it was a chore getting her to calm down and go to sleep.
I was amazed when my kids were born at how different their personalities were. Emma was very high energy. Madilyn was a lot less. Ammon was a little more than Madilyn but still very relaxed. They all have different interests and talents. They all are so very unique. I am finding that this uniqueness extends to how they mourn. They each go about it differently.
My battery died in my car and I have to get it replaced. You know, I am looking forward to when this barrage of "bad" events comes to an end. I know there is a positive in everything. I shared today with a good friend that there is good that has come from losing Jan. I now realize how much I love her. It is hard to know how good ice cream is if all you eat is ice cream. Having a lemon can expand your understanding of something you experience. So it is with pain and suffering with the loss of a loved one. I feel the depth of my love and appreciation for her is all the more. I know the lessons I have learned I can apply now. I can express my appreciation more. I can say thank you more. I can smile more. All things I wish I did more of when she was here. I suppose it is yet another chapter of just trying to improve myself.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
27 Jan 2015 (38 days after The Day)
It is almost February. For the better part of January I had the belief that Jan was somehow still alive. Now that time is slowly passing it seems more of a reality to me. It really is the bitter pill.
My family and I are watching Studio C and getting a few laughs. It is healing. It is interesting how humor helps.
Humor helps for a moment... and then the moment passes. I suppose this will get easier with time.
One thing is weird... my wife and my memories of my wife seem to be a dream. It is hard to describe but it is almost like she isn't real but I know she is. My feelings are somewhat numb. I don't know if that is from the lack of sleep or the inability to process things "correctly" or what but that feeling does make it easier to cope with. Maybe I'm just loosing my mind. Who knows. I had someone today mention my wife and a flood of feelings came back. I know I try to bottle this up when I'm in public but sometimes it is a joke. It was mentioned getting a hug from my wife and I lost it. I think that is because if I was standing somewhere and Jan was beside me she would just have her hand on the my back just giving me a slight pat/rub. A silly memory that just had a "Release the river!" effect on me (as they say in Lord of the Rings). It felt like a cleansing. I suppose it will take a while to get to someplace everyone else feels is "stable". I try to use comedy to change the subject or make light of a situation that is intense but sometimes there is no comedic relief and I try to keep some tissues handy.
We switched Claire to a bigger nipple yesterday and she is taking much more milk. This worked for a while but now she is unsettled. I feel there is a fine line between the nipple volume and Claire's endurance/ability to swallow.
My mother's bed was delivered today and it also looks like I am getting a new roof. Nothing like having a new roof put on with a newborn in the home. Yay! It is good to get these things checked off the list. When I was given color choices I found myself paralyzed. I'm picking a color that will be nailed to the top of my home. I'm doing good to match clothes I wear for a day and I thought... I wish Jan were here to look at this. I can barely tell the difference between black and blue and I'm given a choice of asphalt that all looks the same. I'm sure it won't matter once it is up there but my goodness... it seems silly but it is a little daunting. I guess Jan would probably do the same thing for something she normally consults with me on. Oh well. I'm just trying to get the list down to something manageable. Right now it is overwhelming.
So another day is coming to a close. Another day that seems like any day. All days seem to be the same.
My family and I are watching Studio C and getting a few laughs. It is healing. It is interesting how humor helps.
Humor helps for a moment... and then the moment passes. I suppose this will get easier with time.
One thing is weird... my wife and my memories of my wife seem to be a dream. It is hard to describe but it is almost like she isn't real but I know she is. My feelings are somewhat numb. I don't know if that is from the lack of sleep or the inability to process things "correctly" or what but that feeling does make it easier to cope with. Maybe I'm just loosing my mind. Who knows. I had someone today mention my wife and a flood of feelings came back. I know I try to bottle this up when I'm in public but sometimes it is a joke. It was mentioned getting a hug from my wife and I lost it. I think that is because if I was standing somewhere and Jan was beside me she would just have her hand on the my back just giving me a slight pat/rub. A silly memory that just had a "Release the river!" effect on me (as they say in Lord of the Rings). It felt like a cleansing. I suppose it will take a while to get to someplace everyone else feels is "stable". I try to use comedy to change the subject or make light of a situation that is intense but sometimes there is no comedic relief and I try to keep some tissues handy.
We switched Claire to a bigger nipple yesterday and she is taking much more milk. This worked for a while but now she is unsettled. I feel there is a fine line between the nipple volume and Claire's endurance/ability to swallow.
My mother's bed was delivered today and it also looks like I am getting a new roof. Nothing like having a new roof put on with a newborn in the home. Yay! It is good to get these things checked off the list. When I was given color choices I found myself paralyzed. I'm picking a color that will be nailed to the top of my home. I'm doing good to match clothes I wear for a day and I thought... I wish Jan were here to look at this. I can barely tell the difference between black and blue and I'm given a choice of asphalt that all looks the same. I'm sure it won't matter once it is up there but my goodness... it seems silly but it is a little daunting. I guess Jan would probably do the same thing for something she normally consults with me on. Oh well. I'm just trying to get the list down to something manageable. Right now it is overwhelming.
So another day is coming to a close. Another day that seems like any day. All days seem to be the same.
Monday, January 26, 2015
26 Jan 2015 (37 days after The Day)
7:21 am -
So Claire is doing well with her feedings. Her 11 pm and 6:30 am feeding she did while she was asleep. I heard grandma get up around 3 to do her feeding so I need to ask how that went. Anyway, I received a message on Facebook where someone I went to high school with sent me a link to an article about grief. The article seemed to speak for me in what I was feeling. Here is the link if you wish to read. Anyway, the article spoke of a woman who lost her child under a year of age and how she was trying to cope with it. A lot of self diagnosis and the belief that when people said "you are handling this well" translated to "put your game face on and get back to normal". I have that same belief and in the article when the lady begins to release her pent up feelings she asks what is wrong and the doctor's comment was very healing. He says "The depth of her sadness was simply a measure of the love she had for her daughter." In essence the grief she was burying was an attempt to fit-in and move on but her sadness was completely justified due to the love she had for her child. I feel I have to put on my game face as well. I have such deep sadness that it is difficult to even write about. How do you summarize deep love and friendship. Every time I try to capture this feeling it falls short. It ends up being more of a disservice to the description than just not saying anything. I'm a quirky person and finding someone that could connect with me was a miracle in itself. It wasn't just the connection but it was at the same time. Our first date we just talked straight for about 4 hours. Who does that?? It was like a connection that filled another missing half of the other. A missing half we didn't even know was missing. So, perhaps that is why I feel a part of me died with Jan. This journey of healing is a difficult one. It is difficult because it does not conform with normal "get over it and get back to work" mentality that exists for mainstream America. It has been 38 days since this journey began and all I want to do is get over it and at the same time not move an inch. Not moving seems to keep Jan closer but it doesn't help me heal. I understand why people write stories to capture and share what love is. I envy old people holding hands and sharing their lives together. That is all I ever wanted to do was to grow old with Jan by my side. To go through all the fun, sad, tough, easy, etc... times together. To experience life together. It is sad that I just now seem to get that. I have priorities of growing old together but put it aside.
Before Jan died I was so focused on Corporate America. I was so focused on work and all that it entailed. Don't get me wrong. I think work has great value. I think it can shape you into a better person. I recall how when I worked for the entertainment industry I would often work very long hours. I had an hour commute and I would see my oldest daughter just as she was waking up and get home after they were asleep. I recall how Jan and I would argue about me missing out on their lives and for me it was a great pain to part with what I considered a dream job. It was a job working for a company that had memories of my Grandfather. I left to work for the company I work for now. It was a very good switch for me. I was able to see my family more. The commute was worse but the hours were much less. Over time additional responsibilities came to me and required more of my time. I relocated to Arlington Texas and my commute was cut by 90%. This allowed me to spend more time with my family. I just believed that my family would always be there. I just believed that all I needed to do was focus on work to help prepare for the future with my family. I never would have imagined that my time would be cut short. As weird as it sounds I don't know if I will ever retire or stop working. I will always be doing something but I just have a deeper appreciation for my family. I only wish I could have been there more when Jan was here.
9:14 pm -
I find myself in meetings. I can concentrate for a moment and then I find my mind wandering. I catch myself doing this and snap back into reality. Back and forth. Back and forth. I have found that if I am involved in process improvement work my mind doesn't wonder as much. I've been trying to keep myself involved in that as much as possible.
So what is the price of childhood? What is the price of a good memory? We have them and we could say they are worth millions especially if time has moved on and some in the memory are no longer around. So why then did I put memory making moments behind watching TV or some other mindless activity that only served me? I suppose it is because memory making activities take effort and sacrifice on everyone's part. Being asked to give just a little more when you feel like there is nothing left in the tank to give. I think about what I can do today to make every moment count. After all we only live in today......in the present.
So Claire is doing well with her feedings. Her 11 pm and 6:30 am feeding she did while she was asleep. I heard grandma get up around 3 to do her feeding so I need to ask how that went. Anyway, I received a message on Facebook where someone I went to high school with sent me a link to an article about grief. The article seemed to speak for me in what I was feeling. Here is the link if you wish to read. Anyway, the article spoke of a woman who lost her child under a year of age and how she was trying to cope with it. A lot of self diagnosis and the belief that when people said "you are handling this well" translated to "put your game face on and get back to normal". I have that same belief and in the article when the lady begins to release her pent up feelings she asks what is wrong and the doctor's comment was very healing. He says "The depth of her sadness was simply a measure of the love she had for her daughter." In essence the grief she was burying was an attempt to fit-in and move on but her sadness was completely justified due to the love she had for her child. I feel I have to put on my game face as well. I have such deep sadness that it is difficult to even write about. How do you summarize deep love and friendship. Every time I try to capture this feeling it falls short. It ends up being more of a disservice to the description than just not saying anything. I'm a quirky person and finding someone that could connect with me was a miracle in itself. It wasn't just the connection but it was at the same time. Our first date we just talked straight for about 4 hours. Who does that?? It was like a connection that filled another missing half of the other. A missing half we didn't even know was missing. So, perhaps that is why I feel a part of me died with Jan. This journey of healing is a difficult one. It is difficult because it does not conform with normal "get over it and get back to work" mentality that exists for mainstream America. It has been 38 days since this journey began and all I want to do is get over it and at the same time not move an inch. Not moving seems to keep Jan closer but it doesn't help me heal. I understand why people write stories to capture and share what love is. I envy old people holding hands and sharing their lives together. That is all I ever wanted to do was to grow old with Jan by my side. To go through all the fun, sad, tough, easy, etc... times together. To experience life together. It is sad that I just now seem to get that. I have priorities of growing old together but put it aside.
Before Jan died I was so focused on Corporate America. I was so focused on work and all that it entailed. Don't get me wrong. I think work has great value. I think it can shape you into a better person. I recall how when I worked for the entertainment industry I would often work very long hours. I had an hour commute and I would see my oldest daughter just as she was waking up and get home after they were asleep. I recall how Jan and I would argue about me missing out on their lives and for me it was a great pain to part with what I considered a dream job. It was a job working for a company that had memories of my Grandfather. I left to work for the company I work for now. It was a very good switch for me. I was able to see my family more. The commute was worse but the hours were much less. Over time additional responsibilities came to me and required more of my time. I relocated to Arlington Texas and my commute was cut by 90%. This allowed me to spend more time with my family. I just believed that my family would always be there. I just believed that all I needed to do was focus on work to help prepare for the future with my family. I never would have imagined that my time would be cut short. As weird as it sounds I don't know if I will ever retire or stop working. I will always be doing something but I just have a deeper appreciation for my family. I only wish I could have been there more when Jan was here.
9:14 pm -
I find myself in meetings. I can concentrate for a moment and then I find my mind wandering. I catch myself doing this and snap back into reality. Back and forth. Back and forth. I have found that if I am involved in process improvement work my mind doesn't wonder as much. I've been trying to keep myself involved in that as much as possible.
So what is the price of childhood? What is the price of a good memory? We have them and we could say they are worth millions especially if time has moved on and some in the memory are no longer around. So why then did I put memory making moments behind watching TV or some other mindless activity that only served me? I suppose it is because memory making activities take effort and sacrifice on everyone's part. Being asked to give just a little more when you feel like there is nothing left in the tank to give. I think about what I can do today to make every moment count. After all we only live in today......in the present.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
25 Jan 2015 (36 days after The Day)
Last night I slept. I don't know what changed but I slept. I never heard Claire stir and when my mom awoke I asked if she fed Claire during the night. She said she had twice. I think I just didn't feel like I had the weight of everything on my back. I suppose that may be why my back has been hurting. Anyway, my sister organized my kitchen and it is much more functional. I started going through some papers and came across a note Jan wrote to me in 1995. Just a note to say she loved me. It made me smile. After all the activity of late I have found many pictures and many things I value. I found that I really value things written to me by Jan. I think of all the things I wrote to Jan. I just didn't. I would write little things on cards on holidays but not really many letters or notes. I found that she saved them. Jan wrote the occasional note to me and those I cherish. I suppose our love for each other was built before we came into being all of who we are today. We lived through each others challenges and helped each other through them. I think back to when I was in High School and I think I was just a big dork. I can't imagine why someone would want to hang out with me. I suppose we are our own worst critics and I'm glad Jan was able to look past some of the weirdness. As I start to go through all of the mountains of documents and gifts I am reminded again and again of all that my family has lived through over the past month. I am happy to see our home look more like a normal home but I am saddened with the emptiness that exists now especially as I relieve the moments. I'm sure I will look back on this time and wonder how I made it. I know one thing for sure. I have learned what the word Charity means from my mom. I know we all have a fond place in our hearts for our mothers but I really think God prepared her to be my mom with all that I have gone through. She has been a great support and I only hope I can be that for my kids one day. I am humbled by her love for me and my family. We all love her dearly and I guess that is what this life is all about. To have life experiences that help teach you how to love.
8:53pm -
Tonight my kids and I had a lot of reflection on Jan. Lots of tears and lots of discussion. This bitter pill is just difficult to swallow for everyone. I find it difficult to be their rock when I myself feel like a sandy shore. Perhaps that is when I will find my own testimony on this subject. I recall Stephen Covey (Author of 7 Habits of Highly Successful People) has said those who teach once learn twice. Perhaps that is what I am doing. Quick learning. I hope it leads to quick healing. At times I feel like I am speeding down a dark unknown street at night with my low-beams on. I'm on the edge of my seat trying to prepare for everything.
I think if Jan were here I would do many things differently. I have found the value in the written word and I believe I would just write her notes to tell her how much I care for her. Just small ones. I think I would put them in places she would frequent. I also think I would randomly take her out on a date to breakfast or something and arrange child care. I think I would be much more involved in our kids lives as far as planning. I think I would write in my journal specifically about activities we did together and how I felt. It is hard when someone you love passes because if all you have is the spoken word and it isn't recorded that person's voice and memories begin to fade. I don't want that to occur to me or my kids. I'm trying to gather all we have so our memories of her can always be close.
8:53pm -
Tonight my kids and I had a lot of reflection on Jan. Lots of tears and lots of discussion. This bitter pill is just difficult to swallow for everyone. I find it difficult to be their rock when I myself feel like a sandy shore. Perhaps that is when I will find my own testimony on this subject. I recall Stephen Covey (Author of 7 Habits of Highly Successful People) has said those who teach once learn twice. Perhaps that is what I am doing. Quick learning. I hope it leads to quick healing. At times I feel like I am speeding down a dark unknown street at night with my low-beams on. I'm on the edge of my seat trying to prepare for everything.
I think if Jan were here I would do many things differently. I have found the value in the written word and I believe I would just write her notes to tell her how much I care for her. Just small ones. I think I would put them in places she would frequent. I also think I would randomly take her out on a date to breakfast or something and arrange child care. I think I would be much more involved in our kids lives as far as planning. I think I would write in my journal specifically about activities we did together and how I felt. It is hard when someone you love passes because if all you have is the spoken word and it isn't recorded that person's voice and memories begin to fade. I don't want that to occur to me or my kids. I'm trying to gather all we have so our memories of her can always be close.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
24 Jan 2015 (35 days after The Day)
2:00 am -
I awoke to Claire whimpering and starting to stir. At 2:30 she was being fed. Grandma woke up and fed her. I did not feed her at 11 so she is starting to go longer between feedings at night. Yay! I told my mom that I needed to go back to bed. I felt no change physically and was just flat exhausted. I told her something was wrong because I feel like I do when you wake up from a Sunday afternoon nap when the sun is still high. I'm groggy and lethargic and you may expect that at 3 am but not at 7:49 am when I'm writing this. Sadness hit me last night and Ammon came into my room probably around 3 because of a nightmare. I haven't had the kids in my bed for about two weeks now and having him sleeping next to me was a bit healing. I just am amazed at the power of the sadness that hits. It really is overwhelming at times and for me debilitating. I have been able to push through it to function but if my kids weren't here or I didn't have other responsibilities I would probably just stay in bed all day. So today starts and my gusto for life is weak. I'm just a robot going through the motions.
8:35 pm -
My sister came up to visit and brought the baby bed that she used with her kids. We set it up and it is ready to go for tonight. This should help my back some. Claire is eating more and more and that is good. My kids are really enjoying being able to spend time with my sister and that is good. I'm exhausted again and can say I don't know of anything I really accomplished today. I did rearrange my bedroom which consisted of moving a dresser and setting up a baby bed but really that is about it. I think Ammon is going to sleep in my bed tonight. That is ok. We will see how it goes. Claire is crying and I feel extremely guilty for going to bed with my mom and sister taking care of Claire. When Claire cries I just feel like joining her. I know that sounds silly but lately that seems to be the trend.
I awoke to Claire whimpering and starting to stir. At 2:30 she was being fed. Grandma woke up and fed her. I did not feed her at 11 so she is starting to go longer between feedings at night. Yay! I told my mom that I needed to go back to bed. I felt no change physically and was just flat exhausted. I told her something was wrong because I feel like I do when you wake up from a Sunday afternoon nap when the sun is still high. I'm groggy and lethargic and you may expect that at 3 am but not at 7:49 am when I'm writing this. Sadness hit me last night and Ammon came into my room probably around 3 because of a nightmare. I haven't had the kids in my bed for about two weeks now and having him sleeping next to me was a bit healing. I just am amazed at the power of the sadness that hits. It really is overwhelming at times and for me debilitating. I have been able to push through it to function but if my kids weren't here or I didn't have other responsibilities I would probably just stay in bed all day. So today starts and my gusto for life is weak. I'm just a robot going through the motions.
8:35 pm -
My sister came up to visit and brought the baby bed that she used with her kids. We set it up and it is ready to go for tonight. This should help my back some. Claire is eating more and more and that is good. My kids are really enjoying being able to spend time with my sister and that is good. I'm exhausted again and can say I don't know of anything I really accomplished today. I did rearrange my bedroom which consisted of moving a dresser and setting up a baby bed but really that is about it. I think Ammon is going to sleep in my bed tonight. That is ok. We will see how it goes. Claire is crying and I feel extremely guilty for going to bed with my mom and sister taking care of Claire. When Claire cries I just feel like joining her. I know that sounds silly but lately that seems to be the trend.
Friday, January 23, 2015
23 Jan 2015 (34 days after The Day)
So Claire's doctor appointment went well but she isn't putting on much weight. She seems to be the only person in our family with that problem. :-) Anyway everything else looks good. She slept a lot last night and missed one of her feedings. I hope she keeps this schedule. It is something that I believe is doable long-term.
I find myself bombarded with work and that has helped a ton in keeping my mind busy. I also get a refresher in what is going on at home when I walk through the doors. I still have paper piled high and lots of projects that have spun off of Jan's death to deal with. All will be done but it will probably take some time. Every day seems to be the same. It is Friday but it could just as well be Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, or any other day. My ability to get back in the swing of schedules is just not there. I make appointments and meetings but it is a little different. I don't know how to explain it.
8:06 pm -
I am completely exhausted. I have some thoughts I would like go jot down before I retire for the evening but don't have the energy to write them so I will end this entry and write more tomorrow.
I find myself bombarded with work and that has helped a ton in keeping my mind busy. I also get a refresher in what is going on at home when I walk through the doors. I still have paper piled high and lots of projects that have spun off of Jan's death to deal with. All will be done but it will probably take some time. Every day seems to be the same. It is Friday but it could just as well be Monday, Wednesday, Saturday, or any other day. My ability to get back in the swing of schedules is just not there. I make appointments and meetings but it is a little different. I don't know how to explain it.
8:06 pm -
I am completely exhausted. I have some thoughts I would like go jot down before I retire for the evening but don't have the energy to write them so I will end this entry and write more tomorrow.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
22 Jan 2015 (33 days after The Day)
Well, I went to sleep last night absolutely exhausted. I thought I would sleep for an hour and get up to tend Claire. I woke up with my second alarm for the 3:00 am feeding and fed Claire. At 7:00 I asked my mom if she fed Claire at 11:00 and she said she had not. When I fed her at 3 she was asleep and eating so if this trend continues she may just sleep through the night.
I spoke with a good friend of mine yesterday about the feeling I have of being marooned on an island. For those that feel alone through a situation I don't know a better way of describing it. It is a forced loneliness. A loneliness forced by some event or action of another. Back in the day when a pirate was marooned on an island they gave him a gun with a single bullet to commit suicide. I always read about those that were stranded or isolated and felt bad for them but then this was just a story and didn't relate to my life so I didn't think much on it and I moved on. Going through this situation is not making it easy to move on. During a phase in my life I felt like I was on this island and very alone. When Jan and I married there was a feeling of leaving this isolated mental environment. There was great relief when I left that place 15 years ago and it was mainly because Jan and I clicked on so many levels. It was as if a new chapter in my life was started and that isolated island was in the past. When Jan passed I felt like I was thrust back on the island but this time with kids. I realize I am the one who decides how I am going to feel and I have control over this. I suppose I am just trying to make sense of it all. I still catch myself saying "if I can just get this one question answered by Jan I will know what I need to do". At the time I say it I actually believe I can get the answer. That moment is followed by feelings of sadness and isolation when reality kicks in. Perhaps this inward struggle is why I am so absolutely exhausted. I have never in my life had to purposely keep myself awake. It is somewhat like driving after long periods when all you want to do is pull over and take a nap only on this trip I have been driving for 33 days straight. Each day is a struggle and each day there are mental gymnastics to keep my game face on to get work done. But... getting these thoughts out is good and has been giving me a bit of healing. I'll take what I can get.
9:16 pm -
Today were a few tears from my kiddos. As the waves come in I'm glad I can be there for them. Claire's feeding schedule is all over the place. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow so we will see how things go. I think she is doing much better. She is losing hair around her head as she looks around. That is always a good sign! In the process I found that she has a birthmark on her head. We never could see because her hair is so dark and fine that it completely covers her scalp. She is getting accustomed to the wrap. She fights it at first but then calms down and goes to sleep. My mom put it on but could not get her to calm down. I put it on and she calmed down. Perhaps she is getting to know me a bit.
I asked yesterday to be released from a calling I had in church. In my church everyone volunteers and my Bishop had asked that I teach the 12-13 yr old Sunday school. It has been one of my most favorite activities. Perhaps that is because I am mentally right there with them. Anyways, with everything going on with Claire I thought it wise to ask to be released for the time being. I had a sub filling in for me since all of this happened and I didn't think it was fair to have a permanent sub so I'm being released and the Bishop will call someone else to be the teacher. This is both happy and sad. Once the dust settles I'll pick back up with something else I am sure.
My kids are all asleep so I am going to do the same while I can. Oh how I miss this time of the night with Jan. I would get to talk with Jan and review all that is going on. I may just turn on one of those shows she would watch just to feel a bit closer..... that also makes me feel worse afterward so perhaps I'll just skip that and go straight to sleep.
I spoke with a good friend of mine yesterday about the feeling I have of being marooned on an island. For those that feel alone through a situation I don't know a better way of describing it. It is a forced loneliness. A loneliness forced by some event or action of another. Back in the day when a pirate was marooned on an island they gave him a gun with a single bullet to commit suicide. I always read about those that were stranded or isolated and felt bad for them but then this was just a story and didn't relate to my life so I didn't think much on it and I moved on. Going through this situation is not making it easy to move on. During a phase in my life I felt like I was on this island and very alone. When Jan and I married there was a feeling of leaving this isolated mental environment. There was great relief when I left that place 15 years ago and it was mainly because Jan and I clicked on so many levels. It was as if a new chapter in my life was started and that isolated island was in the past. When Jan passed I felt like I was thrust back on the island but this time with kids. I realize I am the one who decides how I am going to feel and I have control over this. I suppose I am just trying to make sense of it all. I still catch myself saying "if I can just get this one question answered by Jan I will know what I need to do". At the time I say it I actually believe I can get the answer. That moment is followed by feelings of sadness and isolation when reality kicks in. Perhaps this inward struggle is why I am so absolutely exhausted. I have never in my life had to purposely keep myself awake. It is somewhat like driving after long periods when all you want to do is pull over and take a nap only on this trip I have been driving for 33 days straight. Each day is a struggle and each day there are mental gymnastics to keep my game face on to get work done. But... getting these thoughts out is good and has been giving me a bit of healing. I'll take what I can get.
9:16 pm -
Today were a few tears from my kiddos. As the waves come in I'm glad I can be there for them. Claire's feeding schedule is all over the place. She has a doctor's appointment tomorrow so we will see how things go. I think she is doing much better. She is losing hair around her head as she looks around. That is always a good sign! In the process I found that she has a birthmark on her head. We never could see because her hair is so dark and fine that it completely covers her scalp. She is getting accustomed to the wrap. She fights it at first but then calms down and goes to sleep. My mom put it on but could not get her to calm down. I put it on and she calmed down. Perhaps she is getting to know me a bit.
I asked yesterday to be released from a calling I had in church. In my church everyone volunteers and my Bishop had asked that I teach the 12-13 yr old Sunday school. It has been one of my most favorite activities. Perhaps that is because I am mentally right there with them. Anyways, with everything going on with Claire I thought it wise to ask to be released for the time being. I had a sub filling in for me since all of this happened and I didn't think it was fair to have a permanent sub so I'm being released and the Bishop will call someone else to be the teacher. This is both happy and sad. Once the dust settles I'll pick back up with something else I am sure.
My kids are all asleep so I am going to do the same while I can. Oh how I miss this time of the night with Jan. I would get to talk with Jan and review all that is going on. I may just turn on one of those shows she would watch just to feel a bit closer..... that also makes me feel worse afterward so perhaps I'll just skip that and go straight to sleep.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
21 Jan 2015 (32 days after The Day)
So I've been thinking on a poem called the The Guy in the Glass by Dale Wimbrow (c) 1934. It goes like this:
I think on this poem as it relates to my healing. I am constantly asking myself if I am being true and honest with myself. When it comes to healing I hope I can help my kids heal and more importantly give them resources to help themselves. I also hope I am a friend to the Guy in the Glass. I think all to often we can get pulled into being or doing things to please others. I suppose this relates back to my wife's desire to be authentic and not respond to patterns that people carry. It is funny how her life has been a huge help to me in my personal growth. It is like we seek out companions that can strengthen us. I have seen this in companions of my friends and associates. We jokingly refer to our spouse/companion as "our better half" when in reality each of us has both good and bad attributes. Both make us who we are. Not just one. Not just the other. We all have potential that is limitless and it is on this that I ponder and hope I can be all that I can be.
6:00 pm -
Tonight I have a daddy-son date with Ammon. I think we are going out for an ice-cream at Sonic. We normally pretend we are in a spaceship as we sit and eat our treat. Emma and Madilyn have a church activity tonight so after Sonic I will go and pick them up.
I have thought a lot on Jan today and the companionship she offered. She and I would just talk and I suppose I am just realizing how much that meant to me. Even if we didn't talk much we would just sit together on the couch and watch a show. I miss that. She would call me a "big dork" because the kids and I would laugh at silly things and Jan wouldn't. I swear that still makes me smile today. That to me takes more control to not laugh when everyone else is! Ah... anyway, fun memories.
When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,And the world makes you King for a day,Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,Who judgement upon you must pass.The feller whose verdict counts most in your lifeIs the guy staring back from the glass.
He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,For he's with you clear up to the end,And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult testIf the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,And think you're a wonderful guy,But the man in the glass says you're only a bumIf you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,And get pats on the back as you pass,But your final reward will be heartaches and tearsIf you've cheated the guy in the glass.
I think on this poem as it relates to my healing. I am constantly asking myself if I am being true and honest with myself. When it comes to healing I hope I can help my kids heal and more importantly give them resources to help themselves. I also hope I am a friend to the Guy in the Glass. I think all to often we can get pulled into being or doing things to please others. I suppose this relates back to my wife's desire to be authentic and not respond to patterns that people carry. It is funny how her life has been a huge help to me in my personal growth. It is like we seek out companions that can strengthen us. I have seen this in companions of my friends and associates. We jokingly refer to our spouse/companion as "our better half" when in reality each of us has both good and bad attributes. Both make us who we are. Not just one. Not just the other. We all have potential that is limitless and it is on this that I ponder and hope I can be all that I can be.
6:00 pm -
Tonight I have a daddy-son date with Ammon. I think we are going out for an ice-cream at Sonic. We normally pretend we are in a spaceship as we sit and eat our treat. Emma and Madilyn have a church activity tonight so after Sonic I will go and pick them up.
I have thought a lot on Jan today and the companionship she offered. She and I would just talk and I suppose I am just realizing how much that meant to me. Even if we didn't talk much we would just sit together on the couch and watch a show. I miss that. She would call me a "big dork" because the kids and I would laugh at silly things and Jan wouldn't. I swear that still makes me smile today. That to me takes more control to not laugh when everyone else is! Ah... anyway, fun memories.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
20 Jan 2015 (31 days after The Day)
7:43 am
So today marks Claire's one month birthday. I swear all of this still seems like a dream. I have a bunch of stuff that is Jan's and I feel like I am invading her privacy by going through it but I have to. I need to start cleaning up. I found a book in her bedside table called "A Wife's Little Red Book" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. that gave tips on being a better wife, friend, companion, etc... It has silly suggestions and advice like:
This morning Claire started talking to me in her sweet baby talk mixed in with a few smiles as she looked me in the eyes. I know it sounds silly but that brought a bit of comfort. I've been thinking on the word comfort and realize that much of it will be received by others desire for your welfare. I think of the things that bring real comfort. I suppose it is friendship and family. I may get joy by going to the batting cages but that doesn't have sustained comfort. Sustained comfort seems to be received when one connects with another. I've read how animals can comfort people and how people can comfort people. Who knows... perhaps this is just the beginning of a larger discovery time for me to understand what that word really means. I know there is the phrase "comfort food" which I can agree does bring a bit of comfort but it is not sustained thus driving you to ingest more. So what is it that never runs out of supply and keeps you filled? So far there is only one word. Love. The one word that can cause both joy and sorrow. The one healing tonic. So, that is something I am seeking more of. More love to not only help me but so I can learn to help others too. Not help them out of obligation or out of personal need but just because it is the right thing to do.
9:22 pm -
So, I am in the rocking chair with this wrap on. Claire has been sleeping in this thing for a few hours now. She has drooled all over my shirt and I'm sure if Jan can see her is getting a good laugh. So, as a family we read more of the book "Out of my mind" and it was good to read more as a family. My kids finally got off to bed and I flipped on the tube to watch the end of the State of the Union address where most presidents promise things and it sounds more like another campaign speech. I tried to remove Claire from the wrap about an hour ago and she started crying. I didn't want to repeat her crying spell so I just covered her back up. My mom asked if she was going to sleep in this thing and I just laughed. I have to remove her to feed her so she will have to adjust to being out of this thing eventually.
I had the opportunity to speak with a counselor this evening and found that my feelings are normal and the actions I'm taking with the blog is good. It was good to talk to someone. Just having validation on my feelings was good. This was yet another thing that I would have discussed with my wife but wasn't able to.
So today marks Claire's one month birthday. I swear all of this still seems like a dream. I have a bunch of stuff that is Jan's and I feel like I am invading her privacy by going through it but I have to. I need to start cleaning up. I found a book in her bedside table called "A Wife's Little Red Book" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. that gave tips on being a better wife, friend, companion, etc... It has silly suggestions and advice like:
- Get his car washed
- When you are wondering what he does with all those tools, remember he may be wondering what you do with all that makeup.
- Find a compromise when you disagree on parenting techniques
- Ask his advice when you have a problem
- etc...
This morning Claire started talking to me in her sweet baby talk mixed in with a few smiles as she looked me in the eyes. I know it sounds silly but that brought a bit of comfort. I've been thinking on the word comfort and realize that much of it will be received by others desire for your welfare. I think of the things that bring real comfort. I suppose it is friendship and family. I may get joy by going to the batting cages but that doesn't have sustained comfort. Sustained comfort seems to be received when one connects with another. I've read how animals can comfort people and how people can comfort people. Who knows... perhaps this is just the beginning of a larger discovery time for me to understand what that word really means. I know there is the phrase "comfort food" which I can agree does bring a bit of comfort but it is not sustained thus driving you to ingest more. So what is it that never runs out of supply and keeps you filled? So far there is only one word. Love. The one word that can cause both joy and sorrow. The one healing tonic. So, that is something I am seeking more of. More love to not only help me but so I can learn to help others too. Not help them out of obligation or out of personal need but just because it is the right thing to do.
9:22 pm -
So, I am in the rocking chair with this wrap on. Claire has been sleeping in this thing for a few hours now. She has drooled all over my shirt and I'm sure if Jan can see her is getting a good laugh. So, as a family we read more of the book "Out of my mind" and it was good to read more as a family. My kids finally got off to bed and I flipped on the tube to watch the end of the State of the Union address where most presidents promise things and it sounds more like another campaign speech. I tried to remove Claire from the wrap about an hour ago and she started crying. I didn't want to repeat her crying spell so I just covered her back up. My mom asked if she was going to sleep in this thing and I just laughed. I have to remove her to feed her so she will have to adjust to being out of this thing eventually.
I had the opportunity to speak with a counselor this evening and found that my feelings are normal and the actions I'm taking with the blog is good. It was good to talk to someone. Just having validation on my feelings was good. This was yet another thing that I would have discussed with my wife but wasn't able to.
Monday, January 19, 2015
19 Jan 2015 (30 days after The Day)
So after a couple of dirty diapers there is a happy little girl in my home. I decided to get my hair cut during lunch. I'm trying to get someone I normally don't because I can't to small talk about Christmas. Sleeping was a joke last night. I just had a large wave of sadness hit. It sucked.
9:30 pm
So we were invited to a family night with another friend's family. We all went to dinner and then bowling. I haven't gone bowling in years and needless to say it was great fun with the family. It was a lot of laughs that we all needed. Ammon did his stereotypical hand/arm gestures to get the ball to move or change direction down the lane. We all had a good laugh. With the bumpers in place he did quite well!
I'm dreading going to sleep. Jan was dealing with a lot prior to her passing and she used TV to make her numb or not think. I don't want to do that and since her passing I have watched very little TV. I just see it as postponing what I need to deal with. I suppose it is like going to the dentist. Postponing doesn't help but does give you the false impression that your issue can wait. So I am not flipping out at work or going into some tirade but I still know when I am not firing on all cylinders. I feel like some days I am working like there is no issue and then a comment or thought changes that to where I feel like a house of cards just trying to avoid a strong breeze. For example, today I was perfectly fine until I mentioned one of the things I cannot yet deal with... Jan's shoes. They are exactly where she last took them off. I feel like I am making headway on some parts and not much on others. Last night as I was mulling over my loneliness trying to go to sleep I glanced over on Jan's side and noticed her stuffed rabbit that has a botched sewing job from when she was a kid and her dog ripped it up. It was one of her most memorable child toys given to her by her sister and she would keep it near her bed even before her passing. So there it was, lying on her pillow. I reached for it and once my hand took hold of it I just wept. Is that not the strangest thing? A stuffed animal for goodness sake. But, there I was in the dark holding this stuffed animal just feeling all the emotions of loneliness and abandonment that I felt at her departure. I suppose it is good to identify all the triggers that make it a struggle for me but yet here I am dreading going to sleep. I am fine when I am awake or asleep but the quiet transition to sleep is almost unbearable. Jan used to give me such a hard time about how quickly I could go to sleep. I believe it was because I was relaxed in her presence. Her mind was going a million miles an hour trying to plan everything. Now that my relaxation is no more I find myself with the same struggle. I need to sleep though at least try to. Claire's feeding is in a little over an hour and last night I didn't get to sleep until after 2. I have much more appreciation for Jan now than I had when she was here with our kids when they were nursing. I do believe I will be a much better person/husband/father/brother/son/friend when this trial is over than before it began. It is just a very difficult journey.
So we were invited to a family night with another friend's family. We all went to dinner and then bowling. I haven't gone bowling in years and needless to say it was great fun with the family. It was a lot of laughs that we all needed. Ammon did his stereotypical hand/arm gestures to get the ball to move or change direction down the lane. We all had a good laugh. With the bumpers in place he did quite well!
I'm dreading going to sleep. Jan was dealing with a lot prior to her passing and she used TV to make her numb or not think. I don't want to do that and since her passing I have watched very little TV. I just see it as postponing what I need to deal with. I suppose it is like going to the dentist. Postponing doesn't help but does give you the false impression that your issue can wait. So I am not flipping out at work or going into some tirade but I still know when I am not firing on all cylinders. I feel like some days I am working like there is no issue and then a comment or thought changes that to where I feel like a house of cards just trying to avoid a strong breeze. For example, today I was perfectly fine until I mentioned one of the things I cannot yet deal with... Jan's shoes. They are exactly where she last took them off. I feel like I am making headway on some parts and not much on others. Last night as I was mulling over my loneliness trying to go to sleep I glanced over on Jan's side and noticed her stuffed rabbit that has a botched sewing job from when she was a kid and her dog ripped it up. It was one of her most memorable child toys given to her by her sister and she would keep it near her bed even before her passing. So there it was, lying on her pillow. I reached for it and once my hand took hold of it I just wept. Is that not the strangest thing? A stuffed animal for goodness sake. But, there I was in the dark holding this stuffed animal just feeling all the emotions of loneliness and abandonment that I felt at her departure. I suppose it is good to identify all the triggers that make it a struggle for me but yet here I am dreading going to sleep. I am fine when I am awake or asleep but the quiet transition to sleep is almost unbearable. Jan used to give me such a hard time about how quickly I could go to sleep. I believe it was because I was relaxed in her presence. Her mind was going a million miles an hour trying to plan everything. Now that my relaxation is no more I find myself with the same struggle. I need to sleep though at least try to. Claire's feeding is in a little over an hour and last night I didn't get to sleep until after 2. I have much more appreciation for Jan now than I had when she was here with our kids when they were nursing. I do believe I will be a much better person/husband/father/brother/son/friend when this trial is over than before it began. It is just a very difficult journey.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
18 Jan 2015 (29 days after The Day)
3:01 pm -
So I'm sleep, but it is not effective. I don't know how to explain it more than that. I do actually sleep but I awake as if I have not slept much at all. The wrap seems to be from God as it helps Claire settle down immediately. Right now I am typing this sitting on the couch and she is snuggled up against me in the wrap. It is a win/win.
I'm been thinking over all the well wishers and concerned people who have spoken with me or my family over the last few weeks. I know everyone is without words or what they do say comes out wrong. For example, there was one person who expressed sympathies and then said "but you are ok now, right?" I know they didn't realize how that came across but it summarizes how I feel personally. Like, alright, my wife died, I have kids to raise, now onto the next chapter. I should be "ok" now. I don't know what the normal grieving process looks like for anyone much less for losing a spouse. I have stuff to do at work and with the kids. It is difficult being "normal" in public. Everyone seems to catch themselves mid-sentence when they say "Hi Rob, How are you....doing?" Because to answer that really is not something I would really do in public and to not ask is a bit rude. So, on to how I heal quickly. This is a process I realize I must go through and like any process I am a bit reluctant to dive right in on some parts.
I've been pondering the same instruction I gave the Sunday school kids I would teach and say "You never know what life is going to throw your direction so start by packing your spiritual toolbox so when life throws a curve ball at you and you feel you are without resources you can open up this toolbox and have some" Sometimes I hear the lesson of
I have heard this over and over. Believing this lesson is an unfortunate disservice to anyone who accepts this as truth. It is true, for example, if you don't drink it is not likely that you will suffer the pains of someone who is an alcoholic or if you don't do drugs you won't face the repercussions of dealing with the consequences of that lifestyle; however, it is not true that if you don't drink or do drugs that your wife won't die in childbirth or that you won't be struck by a drunk driver and have a family member killed. I believe the thought of "if you do what is right nothing bad will ever happen to you" can be changed to say "if you do what is right your personal belief in God or in righteousness will increase thus giving you faith that you can put in your spiritual toolbox for later use". The truth is life is as it has always been called "the school of hard knocks" and like any school you can learn from it or become bitter blaming others that you had a bad hand dealt. I learned early on that there is a lot of things I don't have control over and there is no use spending energy on that since I can't do anything about it; however, there is a small amount I do have control over - mainly my own actions and thoughts. If I alter this I can begin to change how I see the world and thus improve my relationship with others as well as with myself.
8:54 pm -
My kids and I watched a portion of "Rio" the cartoon movie. I enjoyed cuddling with them on the couch. Claire needs her meds and I will try to grab some sleep before the 11:00 pm feeding.
So I'm sleep, but it is not effective. I don't know how to explain it more than that. I do actually sleep but I awake as if I have not slept much at all. The wrap seems to be from God as it helps Claire settle down immediately. Right now I am typing this sitting on the couch and she is snuggled up against me in the wrap. It is a win/win.
I'm been thinking over all the well wishers and concerned people who have spoken with me or my family over the last few weeks. I know everyone is without words or what they do say comes out wrong. For example, there was one person who expressed sympathies and then said "but you are ok now, right?" I know they didn't realize how that came across but it summarizes how I feel personally. Like, alright, my wife died, I have kids to raise, now onto the next chapter. I should be "ok" now. I don't know what the normal grieving process looks like for anyone much less for losing a spouse. I have stuff to do at work and with the kids. It is difficult being "normal" in public. Everyone seems to catch themselves mid-sentence when they say "Hi Rob, How are you....doing?" Because to answer that really is not something I would really do in public and to not ask is a bit rude. So, on to how I heal quickly. This is a process I realize I must go through and like any process I am a bit reluctant to dive right in on some parts.
I've been pondering the same instruction I gave the Sunday school kids I would teach and say "You never know what life is going to throw your direction so start by packing your spiritual toolbox so when life throws a curve ball at you and you feel you are without resources you can open up this toolbox and have some" Sometimes I hear the lesson of
"if you do what is right nothing bad will ever happen to you".
I have heard this over and over. Believing this lesson is an unfortunate disservice to anyone who accepts this as truth. It is true, for example, if you don't drink it is not likely that you will suffer the pains of someone who is an alcoholic or if you don't do drugs you won't face the repercussions of dealing with the consequences of that lifestyle; however, it is not true that if you don't drink or do drugs that your wife won't die in childbirth or that you won't be struck by a drunk driver and have a family member killed. I believe the thought of "if you do what is right nothing bad will ever happen to you" can be changed to say "if you do what is right your personal belief in God or in righteousness will increase thus giving you faith that you can put in your spiritual toolbox for later use". The truth is life is as it has always been called "the school of hard knocks" and like any school you can learn from it or become bitter blaming others that you had a bad hand dealt. I learned early on that there is a lot of things I don't have control over and there is no use spending energy on that since I can't do anything about it; however, there is a small amount I do have control over - mainly my own actions and thoughts. If I alter this I can begin to change how I see the world and thus improve my relationship with others as well as with myself.
8:54 pm -
My kids and I watched a portion of "Rio" the cartoon movie. I enjoyed cuddling with them on the couch. Claire needs her meds and I will try to grab some sleep before the 11:00 pm feeding.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
17 Jan 2015 (28 days after The Day)
3:45 am -
I believe we have identified one source of the gas pains. The nipple we were using was releasing too much volume for Claire and she was gulping air. We used a more restrictive nipple and it appears to have helped.
I've had mixed emotions all yesterday into today. A lot of anger and frustration. I consider myself a patient person but apparently not when I am grieving. I'm not angry at Jan... just angry at the situation. I never thought I would be a widower at 37 with 4 kids. That is just nuts. That phrase "hindsight is 20/20" is beyond true when dealing with a tragedy. All of the pointless reflection on how things transpired do nothing to ease the pain and everything to assist in making it worse. So what if I had a flux capacitor and could go back in time? What would I do? As much as I miss Jan and as much as I would want things to work out differently, I don't know if I would change anything. I believe that hard times even times that seriously stretch you well beyond your comfort zone are for your good and the desire to avoid them is childish. These events have the potential to help you be a better you. I could be bitter at the world and piss and moan about the situation or I can learn from it and help others. I find my kids are sponges and how I react will be remembered and may (and probably will) affect them as well. I just try to keep in mind that this life isn't just for the here and now... there is much more after this life. The question I try to ask myself is what am I doing to be a better me today than yesterday and how can this event help me to be better.
8:39 pm -
So Jan had purchased a wrap for holding Claire. I was not too anxious to even try it because I used a Baby Bjorn for our other three. Anyway, with my back hurting and Claire having gas pains I was told the wrap helps both. I got some instructions from one of our friends and held Claire in it. She LOVED it. She stopped crying once she was in it. I was so accustomed to carrying our kids in a Baby Bjorn that I didn't think a wrap could be better. Well, it is. My back doesn't hurt near as much. This one has flowers but oh well. It will be a good memory of Jan.
I'm just exhausted from everything. I forgot how much a newborn can zap your energy. She isn't even a toddler yet! I think I am also just exhausted mentally/spiritually/emotionally. I find myself looking at objects in our home and recalling a memory with Jan. Seeing her putting on makeup... watching as she used various makeup brushes. Seeing her sit at the family computer writing email. Seeing her close the door after me as I leave to go back to work after lunch. Seeing her pull into the driveway. I suppose I just miss her looking into my eyes. I guess it was the look that needed no words that said a million. I just miss that more than anything else.
I believe we have identified one source of the gas pains. The nipple we were using was releasing too much volume for Claire and she was gulping air. We used a more restrictive nipple and it appears to have helped.
I've had mixed emotions all yesterday into today. A lot of anger and frustration. I consider myself a patient person but apparently not when I am grieving. I'm not angry at Jan... just angry at the situation. I never thought I would be a widower at 37 with 4 kids. That is just nuts. That phrase "hindsight is 20/20" is beyond true when dealing with a tragedy. All of the pointless reflection on how things transpired do nothing to ease the pain and everything to assist in making it worse. So what if I had a flux capacitor and could go back in time? What would I do? As much as I miss Jan and as much as I would want things to work out differently, I don't know if I would change anything. I believe that hard times even times that seriously stretch you well beyond your comfort zone are for your good and the desire to avoid them is childish. These events have the potential to help you be a better you. I could be bitter at the world and piss and moan about the situation or I can learn from it and help others. I find my kids are sponges and how I react will be remembered and may (and probably will) affect them as well. I just try to keep in mind that this life isn't just for the here and now... there is much more after this life. The question I try to ask myself is what am I doing to be a better me today than yesterday and how can this event help me to be better.
8:39 pm -
So Jan had purchased a wrap for holding Claire. I was not too anxious to even try it because I used a Baby Bjorn for our other three. Anyway, with my back hurting and Claire having gas pains I was told the wrap helps both. I got some instructions from one of our friends and held Claire in it. She LOVED it. She stopped crying once she was in it. I was so accustomed to carrying our kids in a Baby Bjorn that I didn't think a wrap could be better. Well, it is. My back doesn't hurt near as much. This one has flowers but oh well. It will be a good memory of Jan.
I'm just exhausted from everything. I forgot how much a newborn can zap your energy. She isn't even a toddler yet! I think I am also just exhausted mentally/spiritually/emotionally. I find myself looking at objects in our home and recalling a memory with Jan. Seeing her putting on makeup... watching as she used various makeup brushes. Seeing her sit at the family computer writing email. Seeing her close the door after me as I leave to go back to work after lunch. Seeing her pull into the driveway. I suppose I just miss her looking into my eyes. I guess it was the look that needed no words that said a million. I just miss that more than anything else.
Friday, January 16, 2015
16 Jan 2015 (27 days after The Day)
3:00 am -
Day starts with Claire's feeding time. She eats but is plagued with gas pains. We take her to her neurology appointment. Like most hospitals they were designed by incompetent architects. I say that because the one place you need to find a place fast and you can't. After parking in the incorrect parking lot we hiked a half mile through loading docks only to be directed eventually to the building that was not located on the map we were using. Once inside the overhead instructions were better than normal but it still took 4-5 different people directing us or walking with us to get us where we need to go. We would hoof it down a hallway for about 50 yards and have to check to see if we were on the right one or not. For goodness sake, it is a freakin' hospital! What would happen if I was inept at finding my way around or if I just collapsed. I suppose I would eventually be found and transported somewhere. It is just frustrating when you get directions like "Take the second right to a bank of elevators. Take those to the blue floor. Exit the elevator and make a right and take the cross walk to the John Doe towers. There you will take your second bank of elevators to the 2nd floor and take three right turns until you reach a receptionist. They can direct you to the clinic that I have never heard of" No idea on how long you walk or if the turns are only a few clicks away. Ever traveled to Atlanta's airport? Think of walking on the international terminal? I recall once thinking ... "It doesn't look that far". Luckily I had someone yell at me and ask what in the **** I was doing trying to walk there. Today I managed to find the clinic and when we finally got there and asked for a map they didn't include the entire medical complex. Seriously. So, we lucked out and they called security to give us a ride back to our parking garage. What a mess. Did I mention I was holding Claire the entire time? That was our ticket for politeness I believe. It is hard to get pissed at someone when they are holding a newborn walking fast in a hospital. Here is a tip for hospital design. Make it a rectangle or square like every other building in the city. They have predictable elevators either in the middle or on the edges and rooms correspond with the floor. Fourth floor = suite 4**. That isn't rocket science or in this case brain surgery. There is a book you should read called The Design of Everyday Things by Don Norman. Architects will get an epiphany if you think current hospitals are designed great.
ok... I'm off my soap box... for now
I went to a family counseling center to evaluate it for my family. That was very very hard. Then to the grave of my wife to discuss things. This was the first time I had been there by myself. I think those that care for the property thought I was a little bonkers. I just sat on my future plot and had a chat with Jan. Like I said, it was hard and the experience made it real since I was talking to a pile of dirt. The flowers are gone except for a few wilted ones and there is no marker yet. This is yet another thing I need to do. The list goes on.
-more later-
Day starts with Claire's feeding time. She eats but is plagued with gas pains. We take her to her neurology appointment. Like most hospitals they were designed by incompetent architects. I say that because the one place you need to find a place fast and you can't. After parking in the incorrect parking lot we hiked a half mile through loading docks only to be directed eventually to the building that was not located on the map we were using. Once inside the overhead instructions were better than normal but it still took 4-5 different people directing us or walking with us to get us where we need to go. We would hoof it down a hallway for about 50 yards and have to check to see if we were on the right one or not. For goodness sake, it is a freakin' hospital! What would happen if I was inept at finding my way around or if I just collapsed. I suppose I would eventually be found and transported somewhere. It is just frustrating when you get directions like "Take the second right to a bank of elevators. Take those to the blue floor. Exit the elevator and make a right and take the cross walk to the John Doe towers. There you will take your second bank of elevators to the 2nd floor and take three right turns until you reach a receptionist. They can direct you to the clinic that I have never heard of" No idea on how long you walk or if the turns are only a few clicks away. Ever traveled to Atlanta's airport? Think of walking on the international terminal? I recall once thinking ... "It doesn't look that far". Luckily I had someone yell at me and ask what in the **** I was doing trying to walk there. Today I managed to find the clinic and when we finally got there and asked for a map they didn't include the entire medical complex. Seriously. So, we lucked out and they called security to give us a ride back to our parking garage. What a mess. Did I mention I was holding Claire the entire time? That was our ticket for politeness I believe. It is hard to get pissed at someone when they are holding a newborn walking fast in a hospital. Here is a tip for hospital design. Make it a rectangle or square like every other building in the city. They have predictable elevators either in the middle or on the edges and rooms correspond with the floor. Fourth floor = suite 4**. That isn't rocket science or in this case brain surgery. There is a book you should read called The Design of Everyday Things by Don Norman. Architects will get an epiphany if you think current hospitals are designed great.
ok... I'm off my soap box... for now
I went to a family counseling center to evaluate it for my family. That was very very hard. Then to the grave of my wife to discuss things. This was the first time I had been there by myself. I think those that care for the property thought I was a little bonkers. I just sat on my future plot and had a chat with Jan. Like I said, it was hard and the experience made it real since I was talking to a pile of dirt. The flowers are gone except for a few wilted ones and there is no marker yet. This is yet another thing I need to do. The list goes on.
-more later-
Thursday, January 15, 2015
15 Jan 2015 (26 days after The Day)
7:00 am -
Well, the Gripe Water works! Halleluiah. Claire takes her sweet time eating but no more gas pains! Yay! Happy day! I was reminded this morning that being tongue-tied runs in the family and I totally forgot that this could be a cause. I have this issue and so does my son. I don't know if Claire has this or not.. I need to look closely. Anyway, poor Ammon has been stuck in his room all day for this entire week. He has been sick and we didn't want to run the risk of getting Claire sick. Today was the first day he asked to play with some of his toys. I'm so glad he is on the mend and he is such a trooper being in his room all day. He has been sleeping a lot so it isn't like he is just staring at the wall.
I was talking to my mom about just getting a different baby bed that would be higher off the ground. My back is better this morning and I hope I don't have to repeat this much!
I will begin the process of going through letters, cards, and PayPal notices. I have put this off because of the pain that comes from this but all of this is piling up and I don't want to be ungrateful for all the kindness that has been poured out on my family. Going through all of this is like opening a wound and I just needed to heal a little before processing all of this. If any have given and wondered why there was no response... that is why.
5:59 pm -
Today has been a tough day. I ended up relating much of what happened in detail with multiple people. You would think that after a while just relating details could be done without much turmoil. That isn't the case. I ended up reliving everything. I didn't share everything but what was shared triggered other memories. Seeing CPR being performed on my wife and realizing her time is up. Realizing I had 3 kids at home in bed that I would have to wake up and share this with. Trying to come to grips with the loneliness that enveloped me. All tough memories. All raw memories. It is like I take 2 steps forward and 1 back.
9:19 pm -
So with everything that has been going on I have neglected to clean up. Yet another thing my wife did. So I have boxes and stuff that is everywhere. None of it is stuff I can just throw out. I have to determine what is ok to go and what isn't. What a mess. Today I was talking with someone about the Kubler-Ross model of coping with grief. You may have heard of this but it goes like this. There are five stages of grief that everyone goes through
1.) Denial
2.) Anger
3.) Bargaining
4.) Depression
5.) Acceptance
This may vary based on the grief that someone goes through but the pattern exists. I feel like I have gone through 1, 2, and 4. I suppose the sooner I go through all of this the sooner I can heal but I cannot imagine my life without my wife and sometimes "acceptance" is difficult because like the clothes in her closet.... when I removed them it was like reliving everything. I haven't touched her shoes yet and they are in the same place where she last kicked them off. It is silly stuff like that that makes #5 difficult. Oh well... one day at a time.
-more later-
Well, the Gripe Water works! Halleluiah. Claire takes her sweet time eating but no more gas pains! Yay! Happy day! I was reminded this morning that being tongue-tied runs in the family and I totally forgot that this could be a cause. I have this issue and so does my son. I don't know if Claire has this or not.. I need to look closely. Anyway, poor Ammon has been stuck in his room all day for this entire week. He has been sick and we didn't want to run the risk of getting Claire sick. Today was the first day he asked to play with some of his toys. I'm so glad he is on the mend and he is such a trooper being in his room all day. He has been sleeping a lot so it isn't like he is just staring at the wall.
I was talking to my mom about just getting a different baby bed that would be higher off the ground. My back is better this morning and I hope I don't have to repeat this much!
I will begin the process of going through letters, cards, and PayPal notices. I have put this off because of the pain that comes from this but all of this is piling up and I don't want to be ungrateful for all the kindness that has been poured out on my family. Going through all of this is like opening a wound and I just needed to heal a little before processing all of this. If any have given and wondered why there was no response... that is why.
5:59 pm -
Today has been a tough day. I ended up relating much of what happened in detail with multiple people. You would think that after a while just relating details could be done without much turmoil. That isn't the case. I ended up reliving everything. I didn't share everything but what was shared triggered other memories. Seeing CPR being performed on my wife and realizing her time is up. Realizing I had 3 kids at home in bed that I would have to wake up and share this with. Trying to come to grips with the loneliness that enveloped me. All tough memories. All raw memories. It is like I take 2 steps forward and 1 back.
9:19 pm -
So with everything that has been going on I have neglected to clean up. Yet another thing my wife did. So I have boxes and stuff that is everywhere. None of it is stuff I can just throw out. I have to determine what is ok to go and what isn't. What a mess. Today I was talking with someone about the Kubler-Ross model of coping with grief. You may have heard of this but it goes like this. There are five stages of grief that everyone goes through
1.) Denial
2.) Anger
3.) Bargaining
4.) Depression
5.) Acceptance
This may vary based on the grief that someone goes through but the pattern exists. I feel like I have gone through 1, 2, and 4. I suppose the sooner I go through all of this the sooner I can heal but I cannot imagine my life without my wife and sometimes "acceptance" is difficult because like the clothes in her closet.... when I removed them it was like reliving everything. I haven't touched her shoes yet and they are in the same place where she last kicked them off. It is silly stuff like that that makes #5 difficult. Oh well... one day at a time.
-more later-
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
14 Jan 2015 (25 days after The Day)
6:51 am -
Claire is finally back to sleep. She decided to wake up at 4:30. She seems to have some tummy problems in the morning. I don't know why but sometimes it is a chore getting her settled. I'm awake and working. It is weird how life moves on. You may see some horrible accident on the way to work and honestly care about their welfare; however, once the traffic begins to flow again it may be out of sight and out of mind. The people in the accident get to deal with the fallout from the event. It doesn't end for them. If we were in the accident then insurance can get involved and we get our cars fixed. We relive the situation on how the accident occurred again and again. Our broken car is a daily reminder of the event. Once the car is fixed we can move on. We don't have something staring us in the face on a daily basis. We may only have reminders come when we have to pay our insurance premium and remember why our rates are higher. With death it is almost a moment by moment reminder. Claire is crying. Jan will tend to her needs... oh wait, that's not going to happen. On my way home I see the van in the driveway. Oh good, Jan is home... oh wait, she isn't. Looking at a pile of her stuff on the dresser... I need to ask her about that... oh wait.. I guess I will just decide. Should Madilyn register for indoor soccer? I need to talk with Jan about that... oh wait I forgot. Every moment I seem to relive. Every moment comes with sadness and pain. It isn't so much pain of missing a mother... it is pain of missing my companion. My best friend. I swear.... feeling takes a lot of energy. It is worse than going to a party for me.
8:39 pm -
I'm experiencing physical pain. I just need to not stand. Sitting is fine. Tending Claire is fine but holding her and walking or bending over is not working. My back is on fire. I recall when we moved to our old home it was our first 2 story home. We were doing our normal routine and both Jan and I mentioned that our legs were hurting after about 2 weeks. We didn't know why. It wasn't until I had to go down the stairs that it registered that the stairs in our home, while insignificant in my mind, played a huge role in our legs being sore. This is the same with Claire. Most things in our home are made for the average height person so when I have to bend over to tend Claire it is just taxing. I never realized how much until tonight when I am doing good to just sit. Both my older sisters played the flute and they mentioned how difficult it was for long periods when first playing to keep their arm up to hold the instrument. I mean, Claire is only about 10 lbs. 10 lbs! How small of a weight is that and yet my back is throwing in the towel. I suppose I had just forgotten... I mean this is kiddo number 4.
Claire is dealing with gas pains and we got some Gripe Water to assist. We will see how that fares.
Claire is finally back to sleep. She decided to wake up at 4:30. She seems to have some tummy problems in the morning. I don't know why but sometimes it is a chore getting her settled. I'm awake and working. It is weird how life moves on. You may see some horrible accident on the way to work and honestly care about their welfare; however, once the traffic begins to flow again it may be out of sight and out of mind. The people in the accident get to deal with the fallout from the event. It doesn't end for them. If we were in the accident then insurance can get involved and we get our cars fixed. We relive the situation on how the accident occurred again and again. Our broken car is a daily reminder of the event. Once the car is fixed we can move on. We don't have something staring us in the face on a daily basis. We may only have reminders come when we have to pay our insurance premium and remember why our rates are higher. With death it is almost a moment by moment reminder. Claire is crying. Jan will tend to her needs... oh wait, that's not going to happen. On my way home I see the van in the driveway. Oh good, Jan is home... oh wait, she isn't. Looking at a pile of her stuff on the dresser... I need to ask her about that... oh wait.. I guess I will just decide. Should Madilyn register for indoor soccer? I need to talk with Jan about that... oh wait I forgot. Every moment I seem to relive. Every moment comes with sadness and pain. It isn't so much pain of missing a mother... it is pain of missing my companion. My best friend. I swear.... feeling takes a lot of energy. It is worse than going to a party for me.
8:39 pm -
I'm experiencing physical pain. I just need to not stand. Sitting is fine. Tending Claire is fine but holding her and walking or bending over is not working. My back is on fire. I recall when we moved to our old home it was our first 2 story home. We were doing our normal routine and both Jan and I mentioned that our legs were hurting after about 2 weeks. We didn't know why. It wasn't until I had to go down the stairs that it registered that the stairs in our home, while insignificant in my mind, played a huge role in our legs being sore. This is the same with Claire. Most things in our home are made for the average height person so when I have to bend over to tend Claire it is just taxing. I never realized how much until tonight when I am doing good to just sit. Both my older sisters played the flute and they mentioned how difficult it was for long periods when first playing to keep their arm up to hold the instrument. I mean, Claire is only about 10 lbs. 10 lbs! How small of a weight is that and yet my back is throwing in the towel. I suppose I had just forgotten... I mean this is kiddo number 4.
Claire is dealing with gas pains and we got some Gripe Water to assist. We will see how that fares.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
13 Jan 2015 (24 days after The Day)
12:57 pm -
After juggling some things at work I took Claire to her first Dr. appointment. All went well. We will see a neurologist in the near future (2 weeks). We have another appointment with the doctor in about 10 days. He said she looks good and there are no apparent issues. That is good news.
I then had a call from my medical insurance company asking if I wanted to have a case worker for my claims. Um... yes. She asked if I have any financial difficulties. I asked if she was referring to before or after this incident. She asked if I was feeling depressed. hmm... I wonder. I never thought bringing Claire home would result in another wave of depression. She asked if I would be open to anti-depressants. I said I would be open to counseling more than just popping a pill to bury my feelings. Perhaps I am opinionated on the subject but I think it is OK to have feelings. To feel. To feel angry, happy, sad, depressed, grief, elation, etc... these are OK. To force yourself to not feel one of these seems a greater ill. So I feel angry... or depressed. It is a season and it will end. I will have gone through it and be able to help those that haven't. I know from past experience I have lived through events that have tested my mental/spiritual/emotional strength and I have emerged the stronger. I have no reason to believe this will be any different. Is it tough? Is it unpleasant? Yes, but so what? Nobody said life was without growth. It is like we pray to be like Christ but then shirk at the time when we have to stretch and grow. We may even pray to not have those hard times. Just like working out... you may be sore for a couple of days but your body grows to be stronger than before. It is life and it is high time that I feel and heal. After all the end-result is the effect of the journey. The journey is what matters. It all begins with a single point of time. A decision.
11:19 pm -
Well, Claire and I worked on our bonding this evening. She is determined not to take more than two oz at the 11 pm feeding. So, she is back to sleep and I'm sure she will be ready at 3:00 am for grandma. Having Claire back is tough. I never realized how tough it would be. Not the duties of fatherhood but the absence of motherhood. I just flat out miss Jan. There is no grand phrase or words to use. I just miss her.
11:37 pm -
I've had multiple people share with me how this blog has helped them. I never imagined that it would be helpful to others but I am glad it is. I suppose we all can appreciate another person's trials and see a little of ourselves in them. All in all - I'm sure everything with my family will work out in the end... the journey though is the toughest I have ever traveled. It brings new meaning to the poem of footprints in the sand. If you haven't read it, Google it. The feeling of isolation and being alone is huge. My sister used the phrase bittersweet. I do not believe that is a good word to capture how I am feeling. The extreme is not captured in that phrase. It is the extreme sorrow/sadness mixed with extreme happiness and joy that is so difficult to capture. As a friend stated earlier today "joy and pain at the same time". What is missing from the phrase bittersweet is the word pain. I find myself continually telling Jan that this isn't the way it was supposed to work. When I'm feeding Claire... when I am going from Emma/Madilyn's room, to Ammon's, to mine... back and forth like a ball in a pinball machine. How does a single parent do this? I asked my mom who raised me and my other 2 sisters alone. She just said what I feel. You just do it. You don't think about how you will do it... you just take one day/moment at a time. As it was with her so it is with me.
I'm going to try to get some sleep so I can function tomorrow.
After juggling some things at work I took Claire to her first Dr. appointment. All went well. We will see a neurologist in the near future (2 weeks). We have another appointment with the doctor in about 10 days. He said she looks good and there are no apparent issues. That is good news.
I then had a call from my medical insurance company asking if I wanted to have a case worker for my claims. Um... yes. She asked if I have any financial difficulties. I asked if she was referring to before or after this incident. She asked if I was feeling depressed. hmm... I wonder. I never thought bringing Claire home would result in another wave of depression. She asked if I would be open to anti-depressants. I said I would be open to counseling more than just popping a pill to bury my feelings. Perhaps I am opinionated on the subject but I think it is OK to have feelings. To feel. To feel angry, happy, sad, depressed, grief, elation, etc... these are OK. To force yourself to not feel one of these seems a greater ill. So I feel angry... or depressed. It is a season and it will end. I will have gone through it and be able to help those that haven't. I know from past experience I have lived through events that have tested my mental/spiritual/emotional strength and I have emerged the stronger. I have no reason to believe this will be any different. Is it tough? Is it unpleasant? Yes, but so what? Nobody said life was without growth. It is like we pray to be like Christ but then shirk at the time when we have to stretch and grow. We may even pray to not have those hard times. Just like working out... you may be sore for a couple of days but your body grows to be stronger than before. It is life and it is high time that I feel and heal. After all the end-result is the effect of the journey. The journey is what matters. It all begins with a single point of time. A decision.
11:19 pm -
Well, Claire and I worked on our bonding this evening. She is determined not to take more than two oz at the 11 pm feeding. So, she is back to sleep and I'm sure she will be ready at 3:00 am for grandma. Having Claire back is tough. I never realized how tough it would be. Not the duties of fatherhood but the absence of motherhood. I just flat out miss Jan. There is no grand phrase or words to use. I just miss her.
11:37 pm -
I've had multiple people share with me how this blog has helped them. I never imagined that it would be helpful to others but I am glad it is. I suppose we all can appreciate another person's trials and see a little of ourselves in them. All in all - I'm sure everything with my family will work out in the end... the journey though is the toughest I have ever traveled. It brings new meaning to the poem of footprints in the sand. If you haven't read it, Google it. The feeling of isolation and being alone is huge. My sister used the phrase bittersweet. I do not believe that is a good word to capture how I am feeling. The extreme is not captured in that phrase. It is the extreme sorrow/sadness mixed with extreme happiness and joy that is so difficult to capture. As a friend stated earlier today "joy and pain at the same time". What is missing from the phrase bittersweet is the word pain. I find myself continually telling Jan that this isn't the way it was supposed to work. When I'm feeding Claire... when I am going from Emma/Madilyn's room, to Ammon's, to mine... back and forth like a ball in a pinball machine. How does a single parent do this? I asked my mom who raised me and my other 2 sisters alone. She just said what I feel. You just do it. You don't think about how you will do it... you just take one day/moment at a time. As it was with her so it is with me.
I'm going to try to get some sleep so I can function tomorrow.
Monday, January 12, 2015
12 Jan 2015 (23 days after The Day)
7:54 am -
Well, Emma awoke without fever. Ammon still has fever. Madilyn is still sleeping and grandma and I are up. We are excited to get Claire and bring her home. We have quarantined our kids in their rooms until they are symptom free.
I'm on my way to work and will attempt getting some things accomplished. It is different now. My priorities in life seem to have shifted. Don't get me wrong, I still love my job.... I just have a different viewpoint. As Robin Williams taught his class in the movie Dead Poets Society to stand on their desktop... so it is with my life. Different perspectives shift your actions.
Gone are the rote actions of a then robotic Rob. I desire to improve my relationships with people. After all... people are what matter.
5:50 pm -
Well, we went and got Claire. She is sleeping in her new bed! :-) She slept the entire way home. I'm getting everything organized on where the diapers and wipes need to be. I know... I know... a little late. My wife would just laugh at me. Claire is sleeping and I am enjoying her being at home. I'm sure there will me more updates later in the day. Yay!!
10:53 pm -
So I fed her and gave her the medicine she is on. She took the meds once we got going but getting there left a portion on her and not in her. Oh well... she is good. I played some Debussy for her on my phone and wept. I then played some Dave Brubeck (Take 5). I figured she could get a little of both mom and dad's music. She enjoyed both. She slept. I slept and now I'm up for the 11:00 pm feeding. Grandma is taking the 3 am slot.
More tomorrow. :-)
Well, Emma awoke without fever. Ammon still has fever. Madilyn is still sleeping and grandma and I are up. We are excited to get Claire and bring her home. We have quarantined our kids in their rooms until they are symptom free.
I'm on my way to work and will attempt getting some things accomplished. It is different now. My priorities in life seem to have shifted. Don't get me wrong, I still love my job.... I just have a different viewpoint. As Robin Williams taught his class in the movie Dead Poets Society to stand on their desktop... so it is with my life. Different perspectives shift your actions.
Gone are the rote actions of a then robotic Rob. I desire to improve my relationships with people. After all... people are what matter.
5:50 pm -
Well, we went and got Claire. She is sleeping in her new bed! :-) She slept the entire way home. I'm getting everything organized on where the diapers and wipes need to be. I know... I know... a little late. My wife would just laugh at me. Claire is sleeping and I am enjoying her being at home. I'm sure there will me more updates later in the day. Yay!!
10:53 pm -
So I fed her and gave her the medicine she is on. She took the meds once we got going but getting there left a portion on her and not in her. Oh well... she is good. I played some Debussy for her on my phone and wept. I then played some Dave Brubeck (Take 5). I figured she could get a little of both mom and dad's music. She enjoyed both. She slept. I slept and now I'm up for the 11:00 pm feeding. Grandma is taking the 3 am slot.
More tomorrow. :-)
Sunday, January 11, 2015
11 Jan 2015 (22 days after The Day)
7:55 am -
So today is the day. Claire is coming home. I'm trying to prep the house and get things in order. I'm trying to figure out how to get things in order and as I look around my room I am a little overwhelmed. I will go through and get things cleaned up today. Madilyn and Ammon slept in my bed last night. I'm probably going to go to church for the first hour and then come home.
I spoke with Jan about 4 months ago about Pinterest. She started using it a long time ago and loves it. It is funny. As an IT professional you would think I would be into all the new things but I am not. I learn about them and wait for the dust to settle to see if the technology will be sustainable. Well, yesterday, I signed up with Pinterest and found another side to my wife. I found little notes she had written on the posts and I felt a little closer to her.
I logged into Facebook and found there were about 15 friend requests. Some were from people I know and others were not. I started using Facebook to just track those with whom I am close but with all that has happened my use of Facebook has changed. The same thing for Google Plus.
2:30 pm-
I just got back from taking Emma to the doctor. She has some sort of stomach bug and we needed to ensure it wasn't the flu. The doctor believes it is either food poisoning or some kind of stomach bug. Either way Claire's discharge is being delayed. :-( I'm sad that Claire isn't coming home today but thankful that she won't be sick. I have quarantined Emma to her room just to be safe.
When I called the NICU I found out that Claire has eaten 130 ml today (about 4.4 oz) at one feeding. She was a happy girl once she ate and was getting a bath. I'm so excited to have her come home.
3:15 pm -
Ammon has a fever and is super cranky. Great. He got some medicine and is lying down in his bed in his room. I'm on the floor by his bed. He doesn't want to be alone. If this continues I may just get Claire and go stay in a hotel or somewhere away from sick people! NICU makes the Ritz-Carlton look like the Days Inn. In 20 years I'm sure there will be some laughter about all of this.
7:29 pm -
So, Ammon finally went to sleep. I believe for the night. His fever broke and that is good. Emma is also feeling much better. Let's hope this trend continues!! While I was waiting for him to go to sleep I read the majority of a book called "What's on the other side" by Brent L. Top. It was mailed to me directly after my wife passed. I am always fascinated by those who have glimpsed the other side and I suppose this book just gives another viewpoint to this. There is a scripture that is referenced in the book that reads like this
The author and I both have thought the same thing... who are these "angels" that would bear you up? Some random stranger angel? No. To me it makes sense that it is our family that has departed this life. Those good souls that are striving to do what is right. Angels of God. Yes, it sounds silly perhaps, but to me it connects some dots that after this life we have the opportunity to help our kids/family and strengthen them to help them through tough times. When I have said at times I feel like Jan is near... well, this helped confirm feelings that are hard to verbalize or write. I should be a basket case with all that has occurred but I feel like I have had support. Support from those that are keeping us in our thoughts and prayers as well as support from God. I believes this includes those that support God's will or angels.. or perhaps better stated... kindred dead that are humble followers of righteousness.
I have thought how death or some tragic event can turn a person to God. I am probably like all of God's children... I act like a stubborn teenager who knows best. Events like this help humble those to better hear God's voice. I know I have grown closer to the things that really matter. I suppose that is what tragic events are all about. To help a person focus on what is really important. In the grand scheme of things I really do believe I will see Jan and others that have departed this life again; however, it is just hard parting for a time.
I have a babysitter lined up for tomorrow. I'll be picking up Claire in the afternoon assuming everyone here is OK. Ammon woke up and I am back in his room. I may end up sleeping in this chair. I don't know which is worse... sleeping upright in a chair or being kicked during the night by Madilyn. Oh well... I'm sure I'll sleep regardless. I'm looking at my son as he is sleeping and realizing how fortunate I am to be his father. He has a good heart. That is what matters. I hope I can help him to be his very best. I hope I can do that for all my kids.
So today is the day. Claire is coming home. I'm trying to prep the house and get things in order. I'm trying to figure out how to get things in order and as I look around my room I am a little overwhelmed. I will go through and get things cleaned up today. Madilyn and Ammon slept in my bed last night. I'm probably going to go to church for the first hour and then come home.
I spoke with Jan about 4 months ago about Pinterest. She started using it a long time ago and loves it. It is funny. As an IT professional you would think I would be into all the new things but I am not. I learn about them and wait for the dust to settle to see if the technology will be sustainable. Well, yesterday, I signed up with Pinterest and found another side to my wife. I found little notes she had written on the posts and I felt a little closer to her.
I logged into Facebook and found there were about 15 friend requests. Some were from people I know and others were not. I started using Facebook to just track those with whom I am close but with all that has happened my use of Facebook has changed. The same thing for Google Plus.
2:30 pm-
I just got back from taking Emma to the doctor. She has some sort of stomach bug and we needed to ensure it wasn't the flu. The doctor believes it is either food poisoning or some kind of stomach bug. Either way Claire's discharge is being delayed. :-( I'm sad that Claire isn't coming home today but thankful that she won't be sick. I have quarantined Emma to her room just to be safe.
When I called the NICU I found out that Claire has eaten 130 ml today (about 4.4 oz) at one feeding. She was a happy girl once she ate and was getting a bath. I'm so excited to have her come home.
3:15 pm -
Ammon has a fever and is super cranky. Great. He got some medicine and is lying down in his bed in his room. I'm on the floor by his bed. He doesn't want to be alone. If this continues I may just get Claire and go stay in a hotel or somewhere away from sick people! NICU makes the Ritz-Carlton look like the Days Inn. In 20 years I'm sure there will be some laughter about all of this.
7:29 pm -
So, Ammon finally went to sleep. I believe for the night. His fever broke and that is good. Emma is also feeling much better. Let's hope this trend continues!! While I was waiting for him to go to sleep I read the majority of a book called "What's on the other side" by Brent L. Top. It was mailed to me directly after my wife passed. I am always fascinated by those who have glimpsed the other side and I suppose this book just gives another viewpoint to this. There is a scripture that is referenced in the book that reads like this
I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you to bear you up.
The author and I both have thought the same thing... who are these "angels" that would bear you up? Some random stranger angel? No. To me it makes sense that it is our family that has departed this life. Those good souls that are striving to do what is right. Angels of God. Yes, it sounds silly perhaps, but to me it connects some dots that after this life we have the opportunity to help our kids/family and strengthen them to help them through tough times. When I have said at times I feel like Jan is near... well, this helped confirm feelings that are hard to verbalize or write. I should be a basket case with all that has occurred but I feel like I have had support. Support from those that are keeping us in our thoughts and prayers as well as support from God. I believes this includes those that support God's will or angels.. or perhaps better stated... kindred dead that are humble followers of righteousness.
I have thought how death or some tragic event can turn a person to God. I am probably like all of God's children... I act like a stubborn teenager who knows best. Events like this help humble those to better hear God's voice. I know I have grown closer to the things that really matter. I suppose that is what tragic events are all about. To help a person focus on what is really important. In the grand scheme of things I really do believe I will see Jan and others that have departed this life again; however, it is just hard parting for a time.
I have a babysitter lined up for tomorrow. I'll be picking up Claire in the afternoon assuming everyone here is OK. Ammon woke up and I am back in his room. I may end up sleeping in this chair. I don't know which is worse... sleeping upright in a chair or being kicked during the night by Madilyn. Oh well... I'm sure I'll sleep regardless. I'm looking at my son as he is sleeping and realizing how fortunate I am to be his father. He has a good heart. That is what matters. I hope I can help him to be his very best. I hope I can do that for all my kids.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
10 Jan 2015 (21 days after The Day)
12:13 pm -
So I'm holding Claire while she is going to sleep. I'm staying in a sleeping room with her today here at the Plano NICU and she has been awake most of my visit. I believe we are on schedule to bring her home tomorrow! What a blessing!!
12:43 pm -
She is officially asleep. I've held her since about 7:45 this morning and that was some very good bonding time. I went through the Plano NICU CPR training and now it is just Claire and me in this room. She is sleeping and I am typing. I got up early this morning for the 40 mile drive up here. I just couldn't sleep much. I awoke with anticipation that I will be able to spend the day here. I both value and dislike alone time. I had more conversations with Jan on the way up to see Claire. I know communication is a two-way street but suffice it to say I felt like I was not alone.... but yet I was. It is difficult to describe. Anyway, it was a teary 40 mile trip. I arrived and the day began. I feel so much better to have her coming home and at the same time a bit of panic has set in as I question if everything is in order. My wife was so good at looking at the entire picture. She was getting everything in order prior to Claire's birth. Here I am about to bring her home and I'm asking... "do we have all we need for her crib?". I'm sure Jan is shaking her head as she pats my back to say.... "You will get there eventually dear". So I have four kids and yet every time we have an infant in our home my mind goes blank with some of the duties and it takes a moment to get back up to speed. It is good that as infants they just eat, sleep, poop and pee. It is like God's natural plan to help kids and parents get up to speed together.
I've been thinking of all that Jan did as a parent to our kids. I just took for granted all that she did. I can recall Jan asking me to watch our oldest daughter when she was about a year old so Jan could go take a nap. I said, "Sure, no problem". It started out going well. Then I fell asleep. Jan said afterwards that Emma was screaming not 6 inches from my face and I was completely out. Those days are gone. I was just selfish. I thought of me alone and while my wife and I differed on what was an acceptable amount of time to allow Emma to cry I could have taken Emma out of the house so Jan could sleep. I would like to say that was an isolated incident. It isn't. Over the years I have improved at being less selfish. I just wish I could have been a better husband while she was here. I did implement some good habits on my own. I mean, I would wash the dishes, take out the trash, do laundry, clean up, etc... without being asked. This was the new normal for some time. This was really done by me asking myself "What would I want someone to do for me?" I would tell Jan I loved her on a daily basis. She often looked at me and asked "Why do you keep saying that?". My response has not changed. "I just want you to know it". Jan's "love language" was not by expressing love through words but by deeds. I found that when I picked up around the house, went shopping for food, did laundry and the dishes, etc... it was a way for her to receive that I cared for her. I still told her though. That was important for me. She had a difficult time accepting love from others. She had some major trust violations in her life and while she worked through all of those I felt she was on the road to recovery prior to her passing. As I said earlier - I hope she has healing now. So, what would I have done differently? I suppose I would have taken more ownership with the kids in all they do. I left so much up to her. I would have taken more ownership during activity planning or holiday trips. I know people say you have the equivalent of beer goggles on when someone passes and you look at them as a saint. I know Jan had normal issues as most people do. I'm not trying to act like she was perfect. I only wish I could share another moment with her and just hold her hand and express how much I care for her. It is silly but a reality when I think of where I am mentally with all of this. I don't even think it has really clicked yet. I mean really really clicked. I think it will come with time.
10:06 pm -
I had to leave my car seat with the NICU to do a study of Claire in it. Our car seat was special ordered for Ammon since he was big and outgrew the normal one we had when we was about 2. Anyways, the lady in the NICU thought I was nuts bringing in this huge seat but it can accommodate an infant so I think we are good to go.
I had a couple of discussions with the NICU staff today. They are heartbroken about the situation and feel bad that all has occurred. One of them purchased some gifts for my family since Claire is leaving tomorrow. They want us to stay in touch and that is heartwarming.
After the drive there, spending all day there, and then driving home - I am exhausted. More tomorrow. One parting thought... below is a pic of Claire smiling at me before I left. I absolutely needed it.
So I'm holding Claire while she is going to sleep. I'm staying in a sleeping room with her today here at the Plano NICU and she has been awake most of my visit. I believe we are on schedule to bring her home tomorrow! What a blessing!!
12:43 pm -
She is officially asleep. I've held her since about 7:45 this morning and that was some very good bonding time. I went through the Plano NICU CPR training and now it is just Claire and me in this room. She is sleeping and I am typing. I got up early this morning for the 40 mile drive up here. I just couldn't sleep much. I awoke with anticipation that I will be able to spend the day here. I both value and dislike alone time. I had more conversations with Jan on the way up to see Claire. I know communication is a two-way street but suffice it to say I felt like I was not alone.... but yet I was. It is difficult to describe. Anyway, it was a teary 40 mile trip. I arrived and the day began. I feel so much better to have her coming home and at the same time a bit of panic has set in as I question if everything is in order. My wife was so good at looking at the entire picture. She was getting everything in order prior to Claire's birth. Here I am about to bring her home and I'm asking... "do we have all we need for her crib?". I'm sure Jan is shaking her head as she pats my back to say.... "You will get there eventually dear". So I have four kids and yet every time we have an infant in our home my mind goes blank with some of the duties and it takes a moment to get back up to speed. It is good that as infants they just eat, sleep, poop and pee. It is like God's natural plan to help kids and parents get up to speed together.
I've been thinking of all that Jan did as a parent to our kids. I just took for granted all that she did. I can recall Jan asking me to watch our oldest daughter when she was about a year old so Jan could go take a nap. I said, "Sure, no problem". It started out going well. Then I fell asleep. Jan said afterwards that Emma was screaming not 6 inches from my face and I was completely out. Those days are gone. I was just selfish. I thought of me alone and while my wife and I differed on what was an acceptable amount of time to allow Emma to cry I could have taken Emma out of the house so Jan could sleep. I would like to say that was an isolated incident. It isn't. Over the years I have improved at being less selfish. I just wish I could have been a better husband while she was here. I did implement some good habits on my own. I mean, I would wash the dishes, take out the trash, do laundry, clean up, etc... without being asked. This was the new normal for some time. This was really done by me asking myself "What would I want someone to do for me?" I would tell Jan I loved her on a daily basis. She often looked at me and asked "Why do you keep saying that?". My response has not changed. "I just want you to know it". Jan's "love language" was not by expressing love through words but by deeds. I found that when I picked up around the house, went shopping for food, did laundry and the dishes, etc... it was a way for her to receive that I cared for her. I still told her though. That was important for me. She had a difficult time accepting love from others. She had some major trust violations in her life and while she worked through all of those I felt she was on the road to recovery prior to her passing. As I said earlier - I hope she has healing now. So, what would I have done differently? I suppose I would have taken more ownership with the kids in all they do. I left so much up to her. I would have taken more ownership during activity planning or holiday trips. I know people say you have the equivalent of beer goggles on when someone passes and you look at them as a saint. I know Jan had normal issues as most people do. I'm not trying to act like she was perfect. I only wish I could share another moment with her and just hold her hand and express how much I care for her. It is silly but a reality when I think of where I am mentally with all of this. I don't even think it has really clicked yet. I mean really really clicked. I think it will come with time.
10:06 pm -
I had to leave my car seat with the NICU to do a study of Claire in it. Our car seat was special ordered for Ammon since he was big and outgrew the normal one we had when we was about 2. Anyways, the lady in the NICU thought I was nuts bringing in this huge seat but it can accommodate an infant so I think we are good to go.
I had a couple of discussions with the NICU staff today. They are heartbroken about the situation and feel bad that all has occurred. One of them purchased some gifts for my family since Claire is leaving tomorrow. They want us to stay in touch and that is heartwarming.
After the drive there, spending all day there, and then driving home - I am exhausted. More tomorrow. One parting thought... below is a pic of Claire smiling at me before I left. I absolutely needed it.
Friday, January 9, 2015
9 Jan 2015 (20 days after The Day)
Well, the night started off with Emma and Madilyn in my bed... Emma left in the middle of the night and Madilyn had to be relocated. She was absolutely sideways on the bed. She asked "Where did Emma go?" I wonder. Once Madilyn was straightened out all seemed to go well. The hospital wants me to do a sleep study or stay over with Claire. They want to make sure I know how to handle a new born. Um... did I mention Claire is my fourth child? Well, apparently they have issues with this and wonder if I know how to change a diaper. I wonder if they would do this if Jan was still here. Anyway, I will do this whenever they want me to. I used to see how quickly I could change a diaper when the kids were about 2. It was a race because.... well... the smell mandated that it needed to be fast. My sense of smell has diminished over the years but I knew if I could smell it - it was bad. So, I found myself as a rodeo cowboy changing diapers. I always kept it entertaining for my kids. We always used the plastic bags from Wal-Mart, Target, Kroger, etc... for the diaper disposal. We tried the diaper pail bit but when both Jan and I almost passed out because of the smell when changing it we both thought the same thing.... marketing did a good job at selling this. Now that these bags are selling in Dallas for 5 cents I am getting cheap again. 5 cents to throw away a diaper? Maybe that is a good investment!
I was reading in the scriptures about the flood. How Noah lived for hundreds of years. I often think of the grief I am going through and how I would like it to end quickly. Back in those days it is written that people normally lived hundreds of years. I would imagine that death in childbirth was not that uncommon. I think about how the husbands felt afterward having to live for another 400 years. When I think of living another 50 years I just get depressed and I cannot imagine living another 400. I never realized how much of a friend Jan was. I have very few close friends. Sure, I'm as social as the next guy.... well... maybe not. Ok, so I'm not that social. I am an introvert and would gladly choose a night watching TV over a party. Going to a party for me is like connecting a vacuum to my energy. (All together now.... ) "Let it go.. let it go... " I'm a private person (this blog is the only thing that says otherwise) and don't have a lot of close friends. I just don't. I never have. Jan's loss is very impactful to me because she really was my best friend. She was just as introverted and when the door closed to our home we were like "Phew.... now we can relax". We would share daily experiences and we grew closer. We always ate dinner together except on the occasion that I had to work late. We talked and discussed things. Building that level of trust with someone is not easy for me and I feel myself turning into Tom Hanks from Cast Away when he started talking to Wilson (the volleyball). I suppose time will heal these wounds. And while I joke about developing schizophrenic traits during my grieving period it is really just the painful realization that Jan is gone and my way of working through the pain. I have always found humor to be healing. I strive to help my kids laugh and smile again. I think it helps everyone.
8:27 pm -
Kids are hyper tonight. Generally that normally ends with tears. My kids have chores for morning, afternoon, and evening and I'm attempting to ensure we get these done before everyone is ready for bed. My wife and I read the book "A House United" by Nicholeen Peck which was a long read but we really tested the contents and it works. It helped get our kids from being wild animals to being contributing members of our family. Some people looked at us as crazy when we deal with our kids a certain way but all I know is it works. Anyway, our kids doing chores helps our home be more manageable. Jan and I were working to implement Nicholeen's system fully and we haven't yet; however, what we have implemented has worked. It is just hard. Anyway... Kids are doing chores. I'm thankful that they are learning life skills early. Luckily our system in our home wasn't like normal society so with my wife's departure there isn't a panic of how to run the house as some might expect. The kids all take turns with laundry, dishes, trash, cleaning the bathrooms, etc... so the trick I have is snapping out of this funk to actually follow-up with them to ensure this stuff is getting done.
Tonight my daughter expressed concern about Ammon and his grieving process with Jan's death. I have been so bombarded with all of the to-dos surrounding Jan's death that counseling for my kids was shelved. How absolutely asinine. I mean... I'm more worried to ensure bills get paid then real issues staring me in the face. Sometimes it is difficult to see the forest from the trees. I'm setting up an appointment for all of us.
I've been battling complete exhaustion during the day. Not the "Oh, I'm tired because I just ate Mexican food"... it is the "Holy cow I think I've been drugged or something and I'm going ..... (snore)" When I finished work today I slept like I hadn't in a long time. I awoke lethargic and getting moving again was a chore. I don't know what this is all about but it is new. I don't think I will have a problem sleeping tonight.
I have a sleep study moment with Claire starting tomorrow morning. I am supposed to be there for 3 feedings. Once that is done I believe she will be released on Sunday. I have a Doctor's appointment scheduled for Tuesday so these are absolute blessings lining up that will allow Claire to come home.
With that being said, I'm off to bed. Here is hoping that Ammon and I test well tomorrow. He's going for his blue belt (with grandma taking pictures) and I will be doing the sleep study. One day at a time.
I was reading in the scriptures about the flood. How Noah lived for hundreds of years. I often think of the grief I am going through and how I would like it to end quickly. Back in those days it is written that people normally lived hundreds of years. I would imagine that death in childbirth was not that uncommon. I think about how the husbands felt afterward having to live for another 400 years. When I think of living another 50 years I just get depressed and I cannot imagine living another 400. I never realized how much of a friend Jan was. I have very few close friends. Sure, I'm as social as the next guy.... well... maybe not. Ok, so I'm not that social. I am an introvert and would gladly choose a night watching TV over a party. Going to a party for me is like connecting a vacuum to my energy. (All together now.... ) "Let it go.. let it go... " I'm a private person (this blog is the only thing that says otherwise) and don't have a lot of close friends. I just don't. I never have. Jan's loss is very impactful to me because she really was my best friend. She was just as introverted and when the door closed to our home we were like "Phew.... now we can relax". We would share daily experiences and we grew closer. We always ate dinner together except on the occasion that I had to work late. We talked and discussed things. Building that level of trust with someone is not easy for me and I feel myself turning into Tom Hanks from Cast Away when he started talking to Wilson (the volleyball). I suppose time will heal these wounds. And while I joke about developing schizophrenic traits during my grieving period it is really just the painful realization that Jan is gone and my way of working through the pain. I have always found humor to be healing. I strive to help my kids laugh and smile again. I think it helps everyone.
8:27 pm -
Kids are hyper tonight. Generally that normally ends with tears. My kids have chores for morning, afternoon, and evening and I'm attempting to ensure we get these done before everyone is ready for bed. My wife and I read the book "A House United" by Nicholeen Peck which was a long read but we really tested the contents and it works. It helped get our kids from being wild animals to being contributing members of our family. Some people looked at us as crazy when we deal with our kids a certain way but all I know is it works. Anyway, our kids doing chores helps our home be more manageable. Jan and I were working to implement Nicholeen's system fully and we haven't yet; however, what we have implemented has worked. It is just hard. Anyway... Kids are doing chores. I'm thankful that they are learning life skills early. Luckily our system in our home wasn't like normal society so with my wife's departure there isn't a panic of how to run the house as some might expect. The kids all take turns with laundry, dishes, trash, cleaning the bathrooms, etc... so the trick I have is snapping out of this funk to actually follow-up with them to ensure this stuff is getting done.
Tonight my daughter expressed concern about Ammon and his grieving process with Jan's death. I have been so bombarded with all of the to-dos surrounding Jan's death that counseling for my kids was shelved. How absolutely asinine. I mean... I'm more worried to ensure bills get paid then real issues staring me in the face. Sometimes it is difficult to see the forest from the trees. I'm setting up an appointment for all of us.
I've been battling complete exhaustion during the day. Not the "Oh, I'm tired because I just ate Mexican food"... it is the "Holy cow I think I've been drugged or something and I'm going ..... (snore)" When I finished work today I slept like I hadn't in a long time. I awoke lethargic and getting moving again was a chore. I don't know what this is all about but it is new. I don't think I will have a problem sleeping tonight.
I have a sleep study moment with Claire starting tomorrow morning. I am supposed to be there for 3 feedings. Once that is done I believe she will be released on Sunday. I have a Doctor's appointment scheduled for Tuesday so these are absolute blessings lining up that will allow Claire to come home.
With that being said, I'm off to bed. Here is hoping that Ammon and I test well tomorrow. He's going for his blue belt (with grandma taking pictures) and I will be doing the sleep study. One day at a time.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
8 Jan 2015 (19 days after The Day)
6:43 am -
Madilyn slept in my bed last night. I didn't have to relocate her to her side of the bed or anything. It was very odd. Anyway, amidst all of this our family computer is infected with a virus. I'm sure it was something simple my daughter accidentally did as the machine is used 99% of the time by the kids but nonetheless I am in the process of rebuilding it. It is giving me an opportunity to search for images/movies that may have my wife in them. Chances are she is in videos that my kids recorded while using her phone or something. Nothing like a homemade video 4 feet off the ground. We have pictures of toys (mainly dolls), funny faces, and theatrical performances in our home. We have homemade videos using some software on my wife's iPad singing "It's raining tacos" and "Space Unicorns". For those that have lived through this you understand what I mean. Those songs rival the "Let it Go" song from Disney's Frozen. A catchy tune that you find singing at work. Yes, I've had my moments at the copier humming Space Unicorns. Anyway.... lots of videos and fun memories. My wife may be in the background of these videos.
Today my kids will go back to a school my wife founded. Management has shifted in this school and it will continue forward. We had many homeschooling families register and while it isn't a school they go to daily it does provide homeschooling kids opportunities to meet other children that are taught at home. They build strong relationships and get opportunities to participate in group activities around a myriad of topics (science, math, history, languages, etc..). Since Jan founded this school the new management team will pay tribute to her for a short moment this morning. I hope my kids can handle this. For most it is an opportunity to reflect, cry, and move on. For my kids it is reliving a nightmare that won't end. I told my children that if it is too much to seek out one the new torchbearer or leader/president of the school. I shared my concerns with both this new leader as well my kids. I hope all goes well.
My son asked if we could go visit mom's grave. I said we could. That was yesterday and with all the activities in the eventing we didn't get to go. Today I will take him if he is up to it.
Claire's health is getting better and better. Yesterday she took about 3.3 oz in one feeding. I'm so happy for her continued improvement.
6:01 pm-
Claire had her feeding tube removed. I am interviewing a doctor tomorrow about being her new pediatrician. How do you determine competency? The school? The years of practice? Reviews from customers? I looked at the reviews and many are all over the place. I swear reviews are almost worthless. Think I am kidding? Look up an expensive Rolex on Amazon and read the reviews. Get some popcorn ready. It is entertaining. It is encouraging that Claire is almost ready to come home. I am very ready. It is almost a dream with her being so far away. I cannot wait to hold her in my own home.
Ammon is testing for his blue belt on Saturday. He has been working on his forms and he is improving daily it seems. He is working one on one with his instructor to prepare him for the test. I'm impressed that he is so focused despite all of the hardships he is facing.
Speaking of dealing with hardships I had to pick up the death certificates today from the funeral home. They had errors on some other paperwork which frustrated me. Born in 1928? Died in January? Um... No. So I corrected this and then wanted to review the certificates. They were fine but I felt short changed. I get a piece of paper in place of my wife. The cause of death was there and I just relived it all over again. The Funeral home was playing some sappy love songs which just infuriated me. I would rather it be elevator music. So I picked up the stuff and had a chat with my invisible wife all the way home. Tears and frustration. Those are two words that capture my feelings today.
9:40pm -
We went by my wife's grave. Being that it is winter and is dark early the graveyard was empty of visitors. We used my son's flashlights to light the way. We went directly from Tae Kwon Do so he still had his uniform on plus his little blue jacket. It was a special moment. Just Ammon and me standing there by my wife's grave. The cold night air cut like a knife through our clothing. My son was wanting to stay because of his mom as well as wanting to leave because of the cold. We made a couple of attempts at walking back to the car only to turn around and walk back to the grave. It was a tough time for Ammon. He opened up and mourned his mom. Like I said, it was a special moment.
We started another book called "out of my mind" by Sharon M. Draper. Emma had read it before and said it was good. We read about 25 pages and it established a good stopping point.
I received a message on my wife's phone from the Redwing shoe store. They are not able to resole my shoes. I'm not shocked but I am disappointed because that would have been the last material gift from my wife. I know it is silly but I'm going through a lot of "lasts" and each time I find myself pausing in reflection. I recall when my grandfather died I had to mow his lawn. My grandfather (mother's father) was really like my dad and when I was steering his riding mower around the lawn I could see the previous tire tracks from when he mowed. It is silly stuff like that that makes me pause to reflect. It is the past that nobody wants to let go of.... at least when you love that person. My wife's true last gift she gave to both of us was.... Claire. You see my wife and I balanced each other out. She was the serious one and I was... not. I was the one cracking up when my son made farting sounds on my arm while my wife was straight faced. I don't know which was more funny. The same thing occurred when watching movies. I'd be cracking up and she would be stone faced. I would laugh so hard I would cry and my wife would just look at me and smile.
My wife enjoyed movies that would put me to sleep. British shows with bad endings and with a dark storyline seemed to fill her Netflix queue. She would get irritated with me when after a few moments of watching the show I would call out who the guilty party was. I don't think I'm Chief Inspector Hercule Poirot. I just think most shows are unfortunately predictable. I also poked fun at some of the actors. This brought out a smile with Jan and I always enjoyed that. While I wouldn't have watched these shows on my own I began to enjoy some of them as we watched them together. An example of this is Foyle's War.
Well, reflecting on my wife's smile is where I will close this entry. Until tomorrow. Also - here is the latest with Claire - no feeding tube! :-)
Madilyn slept in my bed last night. I didn't have to relocate her to her side of the bed or anything. It was very odd. Anyway, amidst all of this our family computer is infected with a virus. I'm sure it was something simple my daughter accidentally did as the machine is used 99% of the time by the kids but nonetheless I am in the process of rebuilding it. It is giving me an opportunity to search for images/movies that may have my wife in them. Chances are she is in videos that my kids recorded while using her phone or something. Nothing like a homemade video 4 feet off the ground. We have pictures of toys (mainly dolls), funny faces, and theatrical performances in our home. We have homemade videos using some software on my wife's iPad singing "It's raining tacos" and "Space Unicorns". For those that have lived through this you understand what I mean. Those songs rival the "Let it Go" song from Disney's Frozen. A catchy tune that you find singing at work. Yes, I've had my moments at the copier humming Space Unicorns. Anyway.... lots of videos and fun memories. My wife may be in the background of these videos.
Today my kids will go back to a school my wife founded. Management has shifted in this school and it will continue forward. We had many homeschooling families register and while it isn't a school they go to daily it does provide homeschooling kids opportunities to meet other children that are taught at home. They build strong relationships and get opportunities to participate in group activities around a myriad of topics (science, math, history, languages, etc..). Since Jan founded this school the new management team will pay tribute to her for a short moment this morning. I hope my kids can handle this. For most it is an opportunity to reflect, cry, and move on. For my kids it is reliving a nightmare that won't end. I told my children that if it is too much to seek out one the new torchbearer or leader/president of the school. I shared my concerns with both this new leader as well my kids. I hope all goes well.
My son asked if we could go visit mom's grave. I said we could. That was yesterday and with all the activities in the eventing we didn't get to go. Today I will take him if he is up to it.
Claire's health is getting better and better. Yesterday she took about 3.3 oz in one feeding. I'm so happy for her continued improvement.
6:01 pm-
Claire had her feeding tube removed. I am interviewing a doctor tomorrow about being her new pediatrician. How do you determine competency? The school? The years of practice? Reviews from customers? I looked at the reviews and many are all over the place. I swear reviews are almost worthless. Think I am kidding? Look up an expensive Rolex on Amazon and read the reviews. Get some popcorn ready. It is entertaining. It is encouraging that Claire is almost ready to come home. I am very ready. It is almost a dream with her being so far away. I cannot wait to hold her in my own home.
Ammon is testing for his blue belt on Saturday. He has been working on his forms and he is improving daily it seems. He is working one on one with his instructor to prepare him for the test. I'm impressed that he is so focused despite all of the hardships he is facing.
Speaking of dealing with hardships I had to pick up the death certificates today from the funeral home. They had errors on some other paperwork which frustrated me. Born in 1928? Died in January? Um... No. So I corrected this and then wanted to review the certificates. They were fine but I felt short changed. I get a piece of paper in place of my wife. The cause of death was there and I just relived it all over again. The Funeral home was playing some sappy love songs which just infuriated me. I would rather it be elevator music. So I picked up the stuff and had a chat with my invisible wife all the way home. Tears and frustration. Those are two words that capture my feelings today.
9:40pm -
We went by my wife's grave. Being that it is winter and is dark early the graveyard was empty of visitors. We used my son's flashlights to light the way. We went directly from Tae Kwon Do so he still had his uniform on plus his little blue jacket. It was a special moment. Just Ammon and me standing there by my wife's grave. The cold night air cut like a knife through our clothing. My son was wanting to stay because of his mom as well as wanting to leave because of the cold. We made a couple of attempts at walking back to the car only to turn around and walk back to the grave. It was a tough time for Ammon. He opened up and mourned his mom. Like I said, it was a special moment.
We started another book called "out of my mind" by Sharon M. Draper. Emma had read it before and said it was good. We read about 25 pages and it established a good stopping point.
I received a message on my wife's phone from the Redwing shoe store. They are not able to resole my shoes. I'm not shocked but I am disappointed because that would have been the last material gift from my wife. I know it is silly but I'm going through a lot of "lasts" and each time I find myself pausing in reflection. I recall when my grandfather died I had to mow his lawn. My grandfather (mother's father) was really like my dad and when I was steering his riding mower around the lawn I could see the previous tire tracks from when he mowed. It is silly stuff like that that makes me pause to reflect. It is the past that nobody wants to let go of.... at least when you love that person. My wife's true last gift she gave to both of us was.... Claire. You see my wife and I balanced each other out. She was the serious one and I was... not. I was the one cracking up when my son made farting sounds on my arm while my wife was straight faced. I don't know which was more funny. The same thing occurred when watching movies. I'd be cracking up and she would be stone faced. I would laugh so hard I would cry and my wife would just look at me and smile.
My wife enjoyed movies that would put me to sleep. British shows with bad endings and with a dark storyline seemed to fill her Netflix queue. She would get irritated with me when after a few moments of watching the show I would call out who the guilty party was. I don't think I'm Chief Inspector Hercule Poirot. I just think most shows are unfortunately predictable. I also poked fun at some of the actors. This brought out a smile with Jan and I always enjoyed that. While I wouldn't have watched these shows on my own I began to enjoy some of them as we watched them together. An example of this is Foyle's War.
Well, reflecting on my wife's smile is where I will close this entry. Until tomorrow. Also - here is the latest with Claire - no feeding tube! :-)
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
7 Jan 2015 (18 days after The Day)
7:30 am -
Second verse.. same as the first. I feel the days all bleed together. I've read a lot of near death experiences (NDE) where people describe a place of peace directly after their event (horrible accident, botched surgery, drowning, etc...) when they can see their body and then they are surrounded by darkness and it is peaceful. I've reflected on these NDE stories and I suppose I hope that what is written is true. Prior to my wife's departure she was in some turmoil and felt ostracized by her family because of events that occurred in her life. Events very few in her family supported her through. The one comfort I have is you cannot hide things from God. I reflect on the scripture of Isaiah 2: 19, 21 where people will attempt to hide themselves when the Lord comes again. I think that regardless if the Lord makes his 2nd coming or the good Lord calls you home your probation is over. The time of judgement will commence. People who seek to look good in the eyes of the crowd to justify their actions are only fooling themselves. There was a sermon given by Neil A. Maxwell in which he says
For those that wish to read the entire sermon, I encourage you to. It is one that I hold close to my heart. In all this reflection I think on Jan's turmoil and how she felt. The thought that she is at peace is comforting. I also reflected on the fact that she honestly wished for healing for all. Especially those at fault. She had forgiven and sought healing for all. She grew a lot through this event and I suppose I should learn from her to apply the same principles in my own life.
8:25 am -
After reading this entry it is a little out of character for me. I don't know if it describes how I feel other than I saw Jan struggle with being isolated. She felt she was alone standing for truth. I take comfort that she is no longer alone and hope that I can apply the same principles of forgiveness in my own life. Like most hard things in life it is easier said than done. Those who walk this path have my respect. To quote my mom "Talk is cheap". That quote is something that I believe Jan held close. So, the talk from Neil A. Maxwell is as much for me as anyone else. To get off the fence and be a better person. I value that council. It is tough to swallow but nobody said life is easy.
7:26 pm -
I have my kids at church activities tonight. It is not odd being here as I took over as Mr. Mom while my wife was pregnant. I enjoy taking them and enjoying time either sitting in the car with a book or like today I'm in the foyer with my laptop. Before my wife passed I would take my son with me and he and I would make believe we were in a spaceship flying around the solar system. We had all types of adventures and built many fond memories. Tonight my son is with grandma. I don't know how it will be for my girls as this is the first time back for activities since my wife's passing. I told them where I was so if they felt weird at all they could come to me and we could leave.
Second verse.. same as the first. I feel the days all bleed together. I've read a lot of near death experiences (NDE) where people describe a place of peace directly after their event (horrible accident, botched surgery, drowning, etc...) when they can see their body and then they are surrounded by darkness and it is peaceful. I've reflected on these NDE stories and I suppose I hope that what is written is true. Prior to my wife's departure she was in some turmoil and felt ostracized by her family because of events that occurred in her life. Events very few in her family supported her through. The one comfort I have is you cannot hide things from God. I reflect on the scripture of Isaiah 2: 19, 21 where people will attempt to hide themselves when the Lord comes again. I think that regardless if the Lord makes his 2nd coming or the good Lord calls you home your probation is over. The time of judgement will commence. People who seek to look good in the eyes of the crowd to justify their actions are only fooling themselves. There was a sermon given by Neil A. Maxwell in which he says
If you feel that one day every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is the Lord, why not do so now? For in the coming of that collective confession it will mean much less to kneel down when it is no longer possible to stand up!he also stated that
However, Joshua didn’t say choose you next year whom you will serve; he spoke of “this day,” while there is still daylight and before the darkness becomes more and more normal.
For those that wish to read the entire sermon, I encourage you to. It is one that I hold close to my heart. In all this reflection I think on Jan's turmoil and how she felt. The thought that she is at peace is comforting. I also reflected on the fact that she honestly wished for healing for all. Especially those at fault. She had forgiven and sought healing for all. She grew a lot through this event and I suppose I should learn from her to apply the same principles in my own life.
8:25 am -
After reading this entry it is a little out of character for me. I don't know if it describes how I feel other than I saw Jan struggle with being isolated. She felt she was alone standing for truth. I take comfort that she is no longer alone and hope that I can apply the same principles of forgiveness in my own life. Like most hard things in life it is easier said than done. Those who walk this path have my respect. To quote my mom "Talk is cheap". That quote is something that I believe Jan held close. So, the talk from Neil A. Maxwell is as much for me as anyone else. To get off the fence and be a better person. I value that council. It is tough to swallow but nobody said life is easy.
7:26 pm -
I have my kids at church activities tonight. It is not odd being here as I took over as Mr. Mom while my wife was pregnant. I enjoy taking them and enjoying time either sitting in the car with a book or like today I'm in the foyer with my laptop. Before my wife passed I would take my son with me and he and I would make believe we were in a spaceship flying around the solar system. We had all types of adventures and built many fond memories. Tonight my son is with grandma. I don't know how it will be for my girls as this is the first time back for activities since my wife's passing. I told them where I was so if they felt weird at all they could come to me and we could leave.
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