Today was another therapy day. A day that I realized again how I need to be taking time for myself to process all of this. I don't know the future so I need to use every moment to the fullest that I can. I believe this will help me to move forward and at the same time it is difficult. It is like trying to convince yourself to eat a manure pie. Mmmmmm. Tasty. So I just bury the feelings and they end up running my life. I see the end of this pattern and am deciding now to take a big bite. Yum. I am facing this and it is tough.
There has been a lot of stuff going on at work that has my mind preoccupied. While I like this I also realize it is not helping long-term. I feel like Bo Jackson after his hip replacement. There are glimpses of how I used to be able to tear through problems but now my mind is so focused elsewhere that just focusing on the current problem at hand can be draining because it requires so much energy.
So... on to deep thoughts by Rob. -
I've been pondering how in the scriptures we are taught to follow the commandments. We are taught that we will be blessed if we do and receive punishments if we don't. I've wondered a lot about this carrot and stick mentality to life actions. Is it better to be good reluctantly or to be bad honestly? I suppose this is where my thoughts have focused. While doing what is right is important - I think what is more important is the desire to do good from inside ourselves. The inward core change that desires what God wants and not for a reward or out of fear of punishment. The desire to do God's will because it is your own as well. To become one with God. I believe that is our ultimate goal. It is funny but this chaotic moment in my life with my father, wife, and best friend all dying within a few months of each other coupled with unknown outcomes of my daughter's life has led me down the path of "did I do something to deserve this?" which I would say "I don't think so" I believe bad things happen to both the good and the bad. Do we say someone "deserved it" if they were bad and then left speechless if they were good? I think God gives many these horrific life experiences to grow from. We can become bitter or sweet depending on our perspective. If we really will live forever and I really will see Jan again then the only thing I can do now is to focus on my life and be the very best I can be. Not through actions directly but through inward growth. Through asking the hard questions. Asking questions to the man in the mirror because he's the one who knows me. On that note, I'm off to bed.
