Grandma is back. I will go to a memorial tomorrow in Lubbock, TX and I am both looking forward to it and dreading it. Today was another whirlwind. I feel like a broken record when I say that. It is as if I said "I got out of bed today". It seems so normal that not running around with my hair on fire is abnormal.
My kids seem to have super-human powers. I'm crumbling and they just step up and give me a hug. I snap at them and they give me a hug. I can't remember what is going on in the day and they remind me with kindness. I can learn a lot from my kids. They really are vessels of love.
I'm going to sleep tonight sad. Sad seems to have a selfish ring to it. I'm filled with sorrow and I just miss Jan. I'm going to Lubbock and that will have many memories for me. I will take a stroll around campus and take in the memories. It has been many moons since I was there. I don't know how I will do there. Some parts of the campus remind me of my classes there while other places just remind me of Jan. I still remember when Jan would sing O Fortuna from Carmina Burana. I would tease her that the Latin words she would sing in the choir sounded a lot like "some crackers and cheese". I still recall how Jan would laugh in the choir when she would spot me in the audience. She would sing and I would mouth "some crackers and cheese" and her poker face just melted away. I'm surprised she didn't get more upset with me but we both giggled at it. Just typing this brings back a smile.
On that note, I will retire for the evening.
