30 April 2015 (131 days after The Day)

I just picked up my two older girls from a Shakespeare play rehearsal at 9:00pm.  The performance is tomorrow and Saturday.  My girls have worked so hard on this play.  I'm sure they will be glad when it is over. 

I have had the opportunity to hear stories of others that are going through the same situation that I am.  It is sooooo healing to hear from their perspective all that they are going through.  It sounds crazy but I honestly started to think I was a little insane because of the roller-coaster of emotion I was experiencing.  I have found that honesty in these moments brings much healing.

These past few months I have been in a total fog.  I am just doing good day to day to remember all that is going on.  I've been thinking how the creation of a diamond starts with a lump of coal with heat, pressure, and time.  I suppose that is what God does with many of us.  He uses all three to help us be all we can.  I am grateful for the life lessons and I sure am tired.

29 April 2015 (130 days after The Day)

Today I am facing the monotony of this new normal.  As I sit here typing I am just numb to the entire situation.  I work.  I manage my kids schedules.  I get dinner, chores, and bedtime routines down.  I sleep.  I start it all over.  I just wonder how this new normal will become less draining.

28 April 2015 (129 days after The Day)

I decided to go on a walk today and listen to music.  I figured I would walk until my mind relaxed enough to feel a little.  I walked about 3 miles and I think I was able to relax some but I don't think I processed much.

Sine Jan's passing my reading has slipped.  I was reading at least a book a month.  My family and I have read a couple of books but I personally am still reading the one I purchased right after Jan's death.  I still have not finished it.  My bedroom is overflowing with stuff.  If someone met me today they would probably think I have some issues with hoarding but that isn't the case.  It just takes energy to process everything and so my first instinct is to just make a pile and deal with it later.  Perhaps this is a visual to what is going on in my head with my emotions. 

Claire smiles at me when she sees me and that brightens my day.  It is amazing how the simple act of smiling can be contagious.  I wonder how much I smile during the day.  I have found that love, service, smiling, and laughter are all healing to my soul.

Until tomorrow -

27 April 2015 (128 days after The Day)

Today was another therapy day.  A day that I realized again how I need to be taking time for myself to process all of this.  I don't know the future so I need to use every moment to the fullest that I can.  I believe this will help me to move forward and at the same time it is difficult.  It is like trying to convince yourself to eat a manure pie.   Mmmmmm.  Tasty.  So I just bury the feelings and they end up running my life.  I see the end of this pattern and am deciding now to take a big bite.  Yum.   I am facing this and it is tough. 

There has been a lot of stuff going on at work that has my mind preoccupied.  While I like this I also realize it is not helping long-term.  I feel like Bo Jackson after his hip replacement.  There are glimpses of how I used to be able to tear through problems but now my mind is so focused elsewhere that just focusing on the current problem at hand can be draining because it requires so much energy.

So... on to deep thoughts by Rob. -

I've been pondering how in the scriptures we are taught to follow the commandments.  We are taught that we will be blessed if we do and receive punishments if we don't.  I've wondered a lot about this carrot and stick mentality to life actions.  Is it better to be good reluctantly or to be bad honestly?  I suppose this is where my thoughts have focused.  While doing what is right is important - I think what is more important is the desire to do good from inside ourselves.  The inward core change that desires what God wants and not for a reward or out of fear of punishment.  The desire to do God's will because it is your own as well.  To become one with God.  I believe that is our ultimate goal.  It is funny but this chaotic moment in my life with my father, wife, and best friend all dying within a few months of each other coupled with unknown outcomes of my daughter's life has led me down the path of "did I do something to deserve this?" which  I would say "I don't think so"  I believe bad things happen to both the good and the bad.  Do we say someone "deserved it" if they were bad and then left speechless if they were good?  I think God gives many these horrific life experiences to grow from.  We can become bitter or sweet depending on our perspective.  If we really will live forever and I really will see Jan again then the only thing I can do now is to focus on my life and be the very best I can be.  Not through actions directly but through inward growth.  Through asking the hard questions.  Asking questions to the man in the mirror because he's the one who knows me.  On that note, I'm off to bed.

26 April 2015 (127 days after The Day)

Well, the emotional weekend is coming to a close.  I confirmed Madilyn and gave Claire a blessing today.  It was good and sad at the same time.  Have you ever been so filled with emotion that you cannot summarize your feelings adequately?  This is exactly how I feel.  I got a family picture after church today.  Ammon had already put on his play clothes and was not wanting to take a photo.  Suffice it to say I had my hands full and we all got a good laugh trying to get Ammon to laugh when he was determined to be in a bad mood.

More stormy weather is passing through tonight so Ammon is sleeping in my bed.  We will see how long that lasts.  Everyone has been missing Jan this weekend.  It is tough on everyone.

25 April 2015 (126 days after The Day)

What a whirlwind.  I baptized Madilyn today.  That was an emotional moment.  I just wept as the song was playing just before.  It was a song Madilyn picked out.  It also was played at Jan's funeral.  I could barely get the words out to baptize her.  I just wish Jan was there.  Tomorrow will be big as well.  Tomorrow I have the confirmation for Madilyn along with the blessing of Claire.  Jan's brother is in town with his wife and my sister is in town too.  It is good having them here.  I just wish Jan were here.  This is one of the "first's" that I have to go through I guess.  :-(

24 April 2015 (125 days after The Day)

So, through all the turmoil that my little family has gone through I have some good news.  Claire had her EEG this morning and the results are in.  Her brain is showing normal activity.  For those that have never seen an EEG it looks something like a gob of wires connected to your scalp.  You can read about it here.  So luckily Claire was hungry so I was laying beside her and fed her as she had these sensors attached to her scalp with tape.  Then her head was wrapped with a stretchable cloth.  She was a really good sport.  She was blowing bubbles and eating.  We even gave her her meds during this time and she took them.  Yay!  I had never sat through an EEG before and I didn't realize what they do.  In an EEG they try to stimulate different brain waves and they do this with changing the light in the room from dark to light and back again.  I'm laying in a bed with Claire and they bring over a light that is probably a few feet from her face.  What kind of light?  A strobe light.  After all this the test finally ended and she was untethered from all the wires.  They removed the wrapping and started to soak her head with a wet washcloth.  Eventually one by one all the tape was removed with the sensors.  She was back in my arms and glad to be there.  We journeyed to the waiting room to await our meeting with her neurologist.  She was in a good mood there.  She ate and played a bit and then went to sleep.  Below is a pic as we waited for the doctor.

  The neurologist explained that the EEG was normal.  Yay!!  She is going to be weaned off the meds and Grandma and I are so happy.  There may still be challenges ahead but this is some good news.  We sure needed it.

I went to work and afterwards Grandma needed to run to the store.  She got caught there during a tornado scare.  The sirens went off here and I had my entire family in the tub (except for me).  Forced family bonding has provided some of the funnier memories in my life.

 Did I mention that I had dinner on the stove when this happened?  The storm passed, we ate dinner, Grandma got home safely, and we are all tired.

I think I will sleep well tonight.

23 April 2015 (124 days after The Day)

Have you ever had a day that was so packed full of activity that you lost track of time?  That was today for me.  I went beyond multitasking for me.  I had multiple projects going simultaneously and was a machine.  By the time the day ended I still had a ton more to do but I felt good about what I had accomplished.  Someone made us dinner tonight that totally saved the day for me.  Everyone ate and was filled.

After dinner I took Emma to get some dress shoes.  I'm not a fan of shopping and Emma's shoe size makes it difficult.  Put the two together and Jan would have been laughing.  My solution?  Tell the shoe salesmen to bring me every shoe he sells that is white and in her size.  The first store had 3 pairs of shoes.  3  This is like me shopping for shoes.  So when we went to the second store I was not expecting what he brought.  At least 20 pairs.  We tore through the different styles and narrowed it down to a few shoes.  After much deliberation she settled on a pair and we purchased them just as the mall was closing.  Phew.

 I found my mind wandering as I drove today.  I thought of Jan and how empty life has been since her passing.  I thought of how long I have to live before I can see her again.  I thought of how life is turning out different from how I thought it would be.  I think my focus on life is different.  I suppose everyone changes that goes through something like this.  I wonder what Jan is doing and if she deals with the same pains I go through with missing her.  It is the simple quiet times that I just wish I was able to have a discussion with her.

Tomorrow is Claire's EEG and another log day.  I'm off to bed to get ready for the morning.

22 April 2015 (123 days after The Day)

Today was overall ok.  I am looking forward to when Claire goes in for another EEG.  That is scheduled for this Friday.  I am hopeful that she is on the mend.  She definitely recognizes my voice and looks for me when she hears me.  When she and I make eye contact sometimes it takes a moment of me talking but then it "clicks" and she gives a bashful smile.  She is so very cute.

Tonight I was dancing in the kitchen with Madilyn and trying to show her normal slow dance positions with your hands and feet.  Anyway, Ammon came in and did something I forgot all about.  When Jan and I would say goodby after lunch or any other time she would normally walk me to the door and give me a hug and a kiss.  During this moment Ammon would run up and wedge himself between us.  It became a comical expectation that we would have company every time we hugged.  This same situation occurred tonight but instead of my wife and I hugging it was Madilyn and me dancing.  That one moment brought back a flood of memories that I had forgotten.  I felt both happy and sad.  I suppose a lot of my memories are happy and sad.

Here it is again ... past 10 pm and I just now have a quiet moment.  I think I will have to do something early during the day if I want some 'me' time.

Well, I am off to bed.  I'm missing Jan and her company.  I'm missing our conversations. 

21 April 2015 (122 days after The Day)

Today was a better day.  There was a lot of activity at work that kept me busy.  There was a lot of activity at home that also kept me busy.  It is 10 pm and I am just now getting the kids to bed.  That doesn't leave a lot of 'me' time but it does ensure that every minute of the day is packed. 

Group counseling went well tonight too.  I thought about what decisions I have made since Jan's death that have been good.  I realized that when Jan was here I was paralyzed in decision making.  I was so focused on ensuring that the decision was 'ok' with everyone that by the time the decision was made it often was done by my wife who was tired of waiting.  Since her departure I have just made decisions to move forward with a variety of things.  Overall this part of me has changed and I have found it has made me better.  I am also striving to keep humor in this home.  In a sad way a lot of joking around stopped when my wife passed.  I'm making a concerted effort to keep humor and witty commentary a normal part of our lives.  I believe this has helped as well.  I am trying to always focus on what I have control over and not on what I don't.  This above all has helped me.  One day at a time.

20 April 2015 (121 days after The Day)

Today was rough.  It seems the cycle of good to bad to good again was moving at such a pace that made today almost completely useless.  I have a lot of work and was able to bury myself in it but it was difficult nonetheless.  Suffice it to say that today was a day best spent alone in my office and not interacting with others.  This is not always possible and for those moments I had to dig deep to get composure.  I delegated some things out today and that helped a ton.

All my kids are fighting some kind of cold.  Yay!  I suppose I should look at the positive side.  All my kids are working on becoming immune to every sickness kids pass around.

I went for a walk today.  I was not able to "process" anything.  I just listened to the birds and watched/listened to the squirrels.  I even saw a rabbit.  I enjoy seeing them.  They are cute.  I don't really feel like I can relax when I am out probably because I feel guilty for being out.  I think this will change with time.  I may need to do something that is more engaging than just strolling down a trail.

I'm going to sleep to try to get some energy.  I just felt a lot of emotions today that just zapped my energy.  I don't know how people heal while trying to live their "normal" lives.  Healing takes so much attention that I have not figured out how to focus on healing AND live my life.  It is like removing splinters in your hand while on a roller coaster.  It just seems pointless.  It seems easier to just hold on and endure the ride and then after focus on removing the splinter which at this point is festered and infected.  Yay!  Well, sleep is healing, right?  So... off I go.

19 April 2015 (120 days after The Day)

Today I took Emma, Madilyn, and Ammon to Jan's grave.  We clipped some roses from our rose bush and made a little bouquet.  Apparently Sunday is the day to go to the cemetery.  It seemed there were at least 4 other families there when we were there.  I just stood there and wept.  My kids were off looking at other tombstones and I just stood there and wept.  This is just not how our lives were supposed to work out.  We were to grow old together.  One thing I feel has happened since her departure.  I feel stronger.  Stronger in the areas that I felt weak before.  It seems odd to me that an event that tears you in two pieces has the ability of strengthening you.

18 April 2015 (119 days after The Day)

11:12 am -

So today I made an interesting observation.  I am forgetting about Jan.  I really am.  It is like a dream.  I think it was real but I just don't remember.  I think that is God's way of helping me get through this.  Perhaps I will have memories return later but now I just cannot take them.  It is just too painful.

9:33 pm -

I went for a walk today.  Actually it was more like wandering around the neighborhood.  I didn't even put on exercise clothing.  I just had on my jeans, long-sleeve shirt, ball cap, and RedWing shoes.  I'm sure I looked a bit out of place but I was comfortable so that worked for me.  I felt like I was on the edge of breaking down as I walked.  I was able to go through the walking trails to clear my head a bit.  It was calming but it was also just a moment of peace.  I suppose I should just appreciate the moment.

Claire decided to wake up as it was time for her to sleep.  Here is a pic as I attempted to get her to sleep.

She is finally asleep.  I really like that she smiles at me all the time.  I need that more than anything right now.  It is healing.  I'm going to watch a show and head to bed.

17 April 2015 (118 days after The Day)

Today I have had more of a roller coaster of feelings from being normal to being sad.  There was a lot of running around after work and finally got everyone settled.  Ammon was sick to his stomach for some reason and was vomiting.  I don't know what brought that on other than he shared with me that he ate a few too many sweets behind my back.  Sneaky boy.  Anyway... nobody else is sick so I'm crossing my fingers that it is just bad case of an upset stomach based on an overload of sweets.  With that as a background I don't know if Ammon will go to Tae Kwon Do tomorrow so we will see.  Madilyn and Emma need to work on the set decorations for a play they are going to perform in and Madilyn has a soccer game.  This busy schedule has helped me not think.  I think I get overwhelmed when I pause to think.

Oh... on another note, we started using the big bottles (8oz) for Claire at night.  She nearly drained it.  I hope she sleeps through the night tonight.

Claire is funny.  She does not talk as much as my other kids did but she definitely is aware of what is going on.  She just looks or follows people and when you talk to her you can get her to smile real big but she is not a huge vocal kid.  She will laugh and make baby sounds but it is not all that often so when she does do them we all gather around to hear and witness it.  She is cute.  That is for sure.  I do wish Jan could hold her.  It pains me that she cannot.  I think on that often.

I'm off to bed.

16 April 2015 (117 days after The Day)

Today I was able to go on a walk with my son.  It was nice to just get out with just the two of us.  Yesterday I went on a walk with Madilyn so I got double the blessings.  The mosquitoes were out so we fed them a bit but overall it was a good experience. 

I think I am entering a new phase in my grief.  I have been trying to think of what to call it.  So far the only thing that comes to mind is "sad acceptance".  It really is sad.  Some who have gone through this say they have come to a place of peace.  For me it isn't that peaceful.  It is just painful.  I feel like I could sleep for a long time and I don't know if that is due to the grief or all that is going on.  Either way I am just really tired.  As I type this I listen to the dishwasher and the white noise is just putting me to sleep.  My older girls are at a play tonight so I need to stay up for them but nobody is going to have to rock me to sleep tonight.  That is certain.

15 April 2015 (116 days after The Day)

I had a very rough night last night.  A friend of mine had a flat and I went to help then back to bed by 11.  Little Claire decided to wake up at 2:30.  I fed her 8 oz.  8!  She filled her pants and wanted to play at 3:30.  I finally got to bed around 4:30 and then she was back up at 6:30.  By the time I got to work I was just worn out.  Today was productive though.  Lots of tasks off my list so that brings a little comfort.

When I took my girls to their church activities tonight I worked in the car and just had the radio on.  I stumbled across a recording of Jan singing Christmas songs and played it via Bluetooth through the car speakers.  It brought back some memories and my kids both enjoyed it and made them sad.  Made me sad too to be honest.

I have a gob of emotion and processing it seems to be very difficult.  It is very difficult to put it into words.  Overall I am thankful for my kids and the time I had with my wife.

 

14 April 2015 (115 days after The Day)

Today I am dealing with anger.  I am angry because I don't want this to be the new reality.  I realize it is and I am pissed.  It is childish, I know, and I have no other words to describe my feelings.  I'm two steps away from a temper tantrum.  This reminds me of something my kids would do when they were three.  Nothing like having that as a feeling when you are nearly forty years old.  I'm snapping at my kids and just irritated.

I find myself wanting to do something to take my mind off of things.  Watch TV?  Nope.  Aimlessly surf the net?  Nope.  Play the saxophone?  Nope.  Program the Arduino?  Nope.  Nothing seems to fit.  The closest thing I found was just walking by myself.  I just feel lost and alone.

On that note, I'm going to bed.

13 April 2015 (114 days after The Day)

Another whirlwind of a day.  Tons of projects moving concurrently at work, grandma gets Ammon to Tae Kwon Do, and then get the lawn mowed.  After getting cleaned up and eating dinner my kids notice a neighbors cat in a tree.  I guess I am a sucker for my kids pleading.  We head over to the neighbors to coordinate getting the cat and luckily the neighbor indicated that the cat in the tree is a normal thing and he comes down at night.  So we watch a few short videos as a family and then get everyone in bed.  Claire decides to wake up and grandma and I take turns getting her asleep.  So, here it is at 10 pm and I am just now sitting alone in the living room.

I've been thinking about life after death.  If our loved ones are really hanging out with us after death I wonder what they do.  The thought of Jan hanging out with me and the kids brings a bit of comfort and also sadness.  I miss her terribly.  What will I say when I see her again?  I have a feeling that there is nothing I can say that will be news to her.

12 April 2015 (113 days after The Day)

Well, today I set a date for Madilyn's baptism and Claire's baby blessing.  It will be April 25 and 26th.  At church we believe a child can be baptized at the age of 8 and older.  This is because we believe they need to know the difference between right and wrong and make that decision on their own.  With Madilyn, Jan and I took time and wanted to ensure she understood what she was doing.  I can honestly say I believe she is making this decision on her own and not out of any other outside influence.  I'm sure Jan will also be in attendance with such a happy day.

Today I did something I have never done.  I took time to do something just for me.  I went on a walk.. alone.  I walked about 3 miles and just took my time.  I thought my mind would swirl in the memories of Jan.  They didn't.  I did think of her when I got to a park we would take the kids to.  I recall some of the fun memories we made racing each other on the track.  I smiled as I walked by those areas.  I've been thinking on my friend's death and how tragic the entire situation is.  It is a bit difficult for me because again I reflect on those I have been really close with in my life and find myself alone.  I anticipated this may occur in my life but I assumed I would be in my 80's.  I am left to think "now what?"  I am at a crossroads so to speak and working out how to move forward. 

Tomorrow is therapy.  I want to heal and at the same time it is a bitter cup to drink.    

11 April 2015 (112 days after The Day)

The drive back was tiring.  I forgot about the wind-farm that is on the way.  There seemed to be hundreds of wind turbines.  They are so incredibly huge!

I finally got back and stopped by Jan's grave to have a chat.  All this death has really had me reflecting much internally and I needed to stop by and chat with her.  After getting a haircut I came home and am finally sitting down.  Madilyn has a soccer game we will leave for in 15 min so this day just keeps going strong.

Madilyn's game ended and grandma ordered pizza for everyone to eat.  It was a nice break not to have to fix dinner and I am so thankful for all the support. 

After dinner I took Ammon to get a haircut and now that everyone is settled down, I'm going to bed. 

10 April 2015 (111 days after The Day)

I forgot how long of a drive it was to Lubbock.  Phew.  I then drove by my old homes.  The first home Jan and I purchased that was a foreclosure and fixed up and the very first home we ever lived in which was a 816 sq/ft rental home.  The neighborhoods looked very similar.  It was very tough seeing these homes.  Lots of memories.  Lots of emotion.  I probably looked like a stalker taking pictures of these homes but they just brought back a gob of music.

I then went on campus and walked to all the main areas where Jan and I would be.  That was really really tough.  I took a detour and stopped by the advising center where I worked when I went there.  The entire staff had turned over so nobody knew who I was.  I asked if they were still using the AXIS software system I wrote and they were!  The was able to speak with the director there about AXIS and before I knew it I ended up talking to a few different people about it.  I was just blown away that it is still being used.  How cool is that!?!

I tracked down some of my old work associates that had moved jobs and popped in on them.  It was very good catching up.

I went to the memorial and that was very hard on me.  I saw everyone from both sides of his family and it was very good to see everyone.  It was both happy and sad.  I went to dinner afterwards with my friend's wife and a couple of her friends.  By the time the night ended I was completely exhausted.

I don't think I really stopped to feel much.

09 April 2015 (110 days after The Day)

Grandma is back.  I will go to a memorial tomorrow in Lubbock, TX and I am both looking forward to it and dreading it.  Today was another whirlwind.  I feel like a broken record when I say that.  It is as if I said "I got out of bed today".  It seems so normal that not running around with my hair on fire is abnormal. 

My kids seem to have super-human powers.  I'm crumbling and they just step up and give me a hug.  I snap at them and they give me a hug.  I can't remember what is going on in the day and they remind me with kindness.  I can learn a lot from my kids.  They really are vessels of love.

I'm going to sleep tonight sad.  Sad seems to have a selfish ring to it.  I'm filled with sorrow and I just miss Jan.  I'm going to Lubbock and that will have many memories for me.  I will take a stroll around campus and take in the memories.  It has been many moons since I was there.  I don't know how I will do there.  Some parts of the campus remind me of my classes there while other places just remind me of Jan.   I still remember when Jan would sing O Fortuna from Carmina Burana.  I would tease her that the Latin words she would sing in the choir sounded a lot like "some crackers and cheese".  I still recall how Jan would laugh in the choir when she would spot me in the audience.  She would sing and I would mouth "some crackers and cheese" and her poker face just melted away.  I'm surprised she didn't get more upset with me but we both giggled at it.  Just typing this brings back a smile.

On that note, I will retire for the evening.    



 

08 April 2015 (109 days after The Day)

Exhaustion.  I don't know how I keep going.  I think on my childhood friend and Jan.  I wonder what else life has in store.  I seriously feel stretched thin.  So. Very. Thin.

My therapist mentioned that me having some time for myself would be good.  I honestly think that a time will come when I have a moment and I just fall apart.  I just don't have any time to feel.  Is that not the strangest comment?  It is so very true.  Feeling is essential for healing but it takes so much time, energy, and effort.  It is like someone said to gain wisdom you need to learn to catch a fish with your bare hands but you are hungry and it is so much easier to just use a fishing pole.

Claire has been fighting congestion.  She is fighting it so badly that she vomited again tonight.  I feel bad for her.  She is breathing easier tonight so I'm hoping for the best.  I hope she is able to get some sleep!  And on that note, I'll write more tomorrow.  Goodnight.

07 April 2015 (108 days after The Day)

We all went to group counseling tonight.  I was able to get someone to watch Claire so this was the first time I was able to really participate in the group.  It was really good to hear from others the very challenges I am facing.  I didn't feel so alone.  Everyone there had a spouse that had passed away.  All different types of ways but the reality of what that means resonated with everyone.  It was good to be able to go.

So, again I find myself sitting in this rocking chair typing away.  Tonight we discussed forgiveness as it relates to grief.  One of the epiphanies I had was that often it is difficult to grieve if you feel justified to not forgive.  I went through this with the death of my father and it took a while before I was ready to really let go.  I don't believe I have any grudges with Jan.  Sure, I am frustrated that she is not here but I am very glad she is in a place of healing.  I would much rather her be whole there than shattered here.

I'm off to do some schedule planning so until tomorrow -

06 April 2015 (107 days after The Day)

Well another "how did I get through that?" type of day is drawing to a close.  Claire has started sleeping more during the day.  Tonight she started her big feed schedule as normal around 6 and just flat refused to burp.  By 8:00 I had to give her medicine and around 8:15 after taking more milk... the gurgle started.  That infamous gas bubble that only ends in an eruption.  I didn't have time to get to the sink so I just tried to aim it more on me so I could easily clean it up rather than have it all over the furniture.  My kids were like "ewwwww! That's Gross!!"  I told them they all had done this.  Madilyn cleaned up the milk that she emptied from her stomach and I got her changed.  Claire had this silly grin on her face when I was changing her.  She just felt better.  Who wouldn't?!  The life of a parent.  Memories that just make you smile later on.  I'm sure my kids will never let Claire forget the time she puked all over me.  As I type this I smile.

My mom is heading back up to my home.  Her lung collapsed a few weeks ago and she got patched up.  She is now heading North again towards the end of this week.  It will be good to see her again.

I have felt like Jan is close these days.  No way to explain it other than a feeling like if I had my eyes closed I would swear she was in the room but when I open them it is just me and my kids.  Anyways.... it is a good feeling.

I'm off to do some laundry and then to bed.  More adventures to come tomorrow I am sure.     

05 April 2015 (106 days after The Day)

Happy Easter!

The day was yet another day I stumbled through.  I completely spaced getting any kind of Easter basket of goodies.  No.  That was something Jan did and something I just completely forgot.  So, I suppose my kids had a real lesson on Easter.  They awoke to find nothing.  I know that is a lame excuse to not have baskets and in all honesty I just completely forgot.  I am working to improve that but it is further down in queue.  I'm still working on smaller but normal issues ... like shopping for food.  I found I can knock that out during my lunch hour but it takes a bit of planning.  I found that Amazon is my friend for some products allowing me to ship it to an address that will be safe until I can pick it up later.   I am still trying to figure out how to juggle the kids activities.  I really just need to clone myself.

So, today I watched the second half of the semi-annual general conference that my church broadcasts.  I have a Roku at my home and picked up the right channel to stream it live.  That is convenience.  I found that I was bitter during the broadcast.  I think maybe that this was one of the "firsts" that I have to go through.  First Easter.  First General Conference.  I snapped at my kids again and ended up apologizing.  I guess I am getting good at that.  I am striving to just calm myself and today proved difficult in that area.  I just feel a bit cheated with how things turned out.  I keep reminding myself that those feelings and frustrations are not helpful to my kids and they are in pain too.

Madilyn and I took a moment and went through a tutorial on the Arduino.  For those that don't know the Arduino is like adult Legos but using electrical circuits.  We both read the tutorial and followed the instructions.  I think this will be a great learning tool for her.  I am excited for her.  She and Ammon have gobs of ideas.  The first is creating a misting tool to spray the cats so they don't meow at the door.  One cat has a bad habit since she was first born of just meowing ALL THE TIME.  Much of this has been addressed with getting her spayed and then medication later.  She has an over active thyroid making her constantly hungry.  I think it is funny the things that inspire my kids to learn.  Apparently a cat that meows all the time is doing the trick.

I recall Jan feeling like she didn't want to go to sleep because tomorrow would come faster.  I thought that was odd at the time but I totally get it now.  More challenges and trials.  This is the first time today that the house is quiet and I need that.  I was able to clean up the mountain of papers in my kitchen and so far I have the living room and kitchen somewhat in order.  That is progress.

I am tired.  I'm going to bed.

04 April 2015 (105 days after The Day)

Today was a bit calmer than most Saturdays.  I took Ammon to Tae Kwon Do.  Took the kids to hunt Easter eggs with the neighbor.  Watched a church conference on TV and that was about it.  Claire is having a tough time going to sleep tonight and I am spent mentally.  I don't know what triggered me today but I just really really miss Jan.  I'm struggling more than normal and I am just wanting this struggle to end.  I suppose it is the culmination of a lot of pain but regardless this is a rough place to be.  I snapped at my kids tonight over the smallest things.  That led to them snapping at each other more than they normally do.  I sent everyone to bed.  After they were in bed I went and I apologized.  That helped everyone feel a bit better.  I find myself exhausted these days.  I don't know why.  I'm off to check on all the kids and go to sleep myself.

03 April 2015 (104 days after The Day)

I found out late last night that the memorial service for my childhood friend would be this morning.  I just didn't know how to get there having to juggle my kids.  I went to sleep last night sad and frustrated.  This morning I awoke to find out that there is also a viewing going on five hours away from where I was.  I just miss my friend and I wish I could have seen him one last time.  I guess I feel like my kids do not being able to see their mother at the funeral.  It sucks.

I went by Jan's grave this afternoon.  Some of the dirt looked turned over.  I don't know what that was about.  I plucked a couple of budding roses from our rose bush and placed it on her mound of dirt.  I wept as I had a conversation.  I just really want this "lesson" to be over.  I miss her terribly. 

Tomorrow is another packed day of activities.  I'm tired.

02 April 2015 (103 days after The Day)

I am getting better at planning.  Today I had so many activities one after another that by the time I got home I realized I will have to reassess the activities my kids are involved in.  I just cannot physically be in all places at all time.  I forgot how traveling just to pick up the kids and then take them to wherever consumes time.  Lots of time. 

My mind has been on my childhood friend who passed away.  I think how lonely my home is when the kids are asleep.  I think on things I have no control over.  That is a problem.  I should focus on what I do have control over.  I'm tired of death.

I watched a good TED talk on work-life balance and it opened my eyes.  I wish  I could discuss these insights with Jan.  I miss that so much.  I have the routine down for my daily preparation for the next day.  I just don't know how I will keep going day after day after day without Jan.  She really is a missing puzzle piece for me.  I just feel empty.

01 April 2015 (102 days after The Day)

I think with death surrounding me these days I have come to a place of peace.  Peace in that I have to accept that the ones I love and care for are gone and I have no control over it.  I also have thought on the finality of death as it relates to our time here. 

My father's father died of leukemia when my father was 14.  One thought my grandfather shared with my dad at the end of his struggle was and is so very true.  At the time my grandfather was a minister for a church and there were many well-wishers that stopped by to express their love for him and sorrow for the situation that my grandfather was in.  One day during a period of peace with no visitors my grandfather called in my dad and spoke to him.  He said, "Son, there are a lot of people that have expressed sorrow because I am terminally ill but what they don't realize is they are too.  We are all mortal and will all die."  I have thought on this council given to my father and then later relayed to me.  I have thought that we all to often focus on others and their death thinking that our death is far off or nonexistent.  The truth is we don't know when our death will come.  The Good Lord could call us home tomorrow for all we know.  All we have to do is live the best we can and do the best we know how.  This will lead us to become the best we can. 

I heard the quote that as we "become converted" as Christ charged Peter - the part of us that desires anything contrary to the will of God actually dies.  I thought on how Peter was given this council during the last moments he had with Christ.  I have thought on how we all struggle to be a better person.  Some do it because of guilt.  Some because it is the right thing to do.  I believe it is essential that we be true to ourselves and God.  In the first Harry Potter book there is a mirror called "The Mirror of Erised" which shows people what they desire.  The father-figure in the book "Professor Dumbledore" said that "The happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is."  This mirror had the ability to show the person looking into it whatever they desired.  If you are true to yourself and God I suppose you would see only yourself because you would be truly happy.  True happiness seems far off right now.  I still am numb from all the activity but nonetheless I am thinking that being true is the first step to happiness.  Being true is to be honest with oneself.