Where to start. Well, my mom needed to leave the house by 5:00 to make a doctors appointment in Houston. She overslept and I woke her up around 6:15. She got it together and left by 6:45. A family friend came over to watch Claire and that was a huge help. With the kids in school and Claire being watched I was able to go to work. It started to snow and the snow started to stick. About 10:30 people at work were worried that they would be stuck at work so they left to go fight the traffic home. I stayed through lunch and worked. I came home and paid some medical bills and got a txt from my mom that she made it to her appointment. After lunch I picked up my kids from school and worked from home the rest of the day. I got a call after dinner from my sister who informed me that the doctor wanted my mom to stay for a while based on her visit and that leaves me pondering. I just really am striving to keep things as "normal" as it was before Jan's passing. I realize that with my mother gone this old "normal" will need to change. I have so depended on my mom to help me that I have taken for granted the help that was given. I wonder how many hits over the head it will take to help to humble me to realize the sacrifice people make for me to enjoy "normalcy".
I think I have it figured out with my three older kiddos. Claire is giving me a run for the money. She just requires a lot of attention and I completely forgot about this. Isn't that silly? Kiddo number 4 and I feel I am learning things for the first time. I'm shaking my head as I type this. Anyways - I have been upset with Jan today. It sounds silly but I'm upset that she decided to check out and leave me with "four hungry children and a crop in the field" Sorry... just popped into my head. That Kenny Rogers song "Lucille" is not a good song to reflect on Jan as the character in the song, "Lucille", decides to abandon her kids and husband to meet guys at a bar. I don't have the hatred of the father in the song as I don't look at Jan as abandoning her role as Mother but I do feel like things are a real challenge right now. I don't see the entire picture so the path of least resistance for my thought process is to be angry at my wife for starting the journey with Claire and then leaving it.
Another problem I have is with me. I find myself focusing on the negative. I have been focusing on things that are entirely outside of my control. My wife died. I have no control over that. My mom is in the hospital. I have no control over that. My father died. I have no control over that. The weather cut a potentially productive day dreadfully short and most of the week has been severely impacted by the weather. I have no control over that. Yet... I give large amounts of my energy (which is scarce) to these events in my life. Energy that is just wasted. I need to focus on what I can do. Focus on what can be done to be better organized. Do you recall the first time you went to school? It was a public school for me and I recall being glued to my mom's leg. I did NOT want to stay there. I recall feeling very alone. At the same time, I recall my last days in elementary school were fun. I had a few close friends and enjoyed their company. It took a few years for me to build up the confidence of what the school was all about. Then it started all over again with middle-school. Ug. Very few good memories there. I suppose these feelings of not knowing what to do in elementary, middle school, high school, and college are overcome when I surrender to the new environment and begin to learn how it works. I just feel myself digging in my heels unwilling to surrender.
Have you ever been pinned when wrestling? There was a guy I knew that was about my height/weight and we wrestled. It was the first time ever that I wrestled someone my size. He put me in a full nelson and it was so frustrating. I had pinned many people like this but never had it done to myself. I was helpless to the pin. I could fight it but doing so made the pain so much more. That is how I feel. Pinned yet unwilling to tap out. I just want to attempt every way I can to confirm that I really do have to tap out. That is why I ask about how many hits over the head will it take to humble me. I just need to stop fighting and surrender to the fact that this new chapter will require me to ask for help. To do the one thing I don't like to do. Wonderful.
Well that is food for thought as I go to sleep. Here is hoping that Claire sleeps through the night.
