So I read today that I still am exhibiting some of the attributes of being in shock. I also realized that I am also trying to not share my feelings which is not helping my healing process. As uncomfortable as this is I understand that I need to be honest with myself and others. If I neglect to do this I understand that this grieving process can go on for a very long time. I know I mentioned it before but the title of a book Jan has is so very true. Feelings buried alive never die. I just need to acknowledge this and keep it in front of me.
I had a heart-to-heart discussion with Emma today and it was the first time I put words to a feeling that has plagued me since Jan's departure. You see, Jan and I are on the same page with order and discipline in our home. We have chores for our kids to do and we have appropriate ways for our kids to share their feelings without shouting. Since Jan's departure I have been a one-man-band with this edict. I never realized how much I depended on Jan and I'm sure how much she depended on me so that we could support each other to enforce this standard. Today Emma and I had some conflicts that had to be resolved. She needed some time to calm down and once she did we were able to talk openly. I realized in our conversation that I was alone in my quest for establishing this standard. Grandma isn't really aware of what Jan and I had established and my kids are well.... kids. They will challenge any standard and that is ok. I just never realized how alone I felt until today when I was talking with Emma. As odd as it sounds with me feeling a portion of me died with Jan I think it is also safe to say a portion of Jan is still alive in me. With that being said I think I am able to think about how she would respond to some of these challenges and adjust accordingly. Overall it is a lonely feeling.
My sleeping quality seems to be decreasing. I was accustomed to going to sleep at 12-1 and getting up at 6. Now I go to sleep around 9, get up to feed Claire sometime between 1-3 and then get back to sleep around 5 and wake up around 7. I feel like I haven't slept at all. When I try to sleep it is a joke. My mind is going a million miles an hour and being able to relax is not easy. I really have a very difficult time staying awake after 9. It is like I am 80 or something. It isn't like I yawn and say "I'm tired... I'm going to bed". It is more like complete exhaustion. Hmmm... ok, like if you have ever taken a large exam you had to study hard for... some final exam... You know how you feel after the exam? You know how you feel like your mind is Jello? Well, imagine that with running a long distance where your body is equally tired. That is about where I am at. Just exhausted. One day at a time. I'm still trying to find something I enjoy that is just me that will work for my energy level. I just don't have the energy to pull out my horn and play anything.... I just have no desire. It is a bummer because when I listen to songs like Dave Brubeck's Take Five I can imagine playing along and that brings a bit of happiness but like all playing it takes work to get something sounding halfway decent. I'm still thinking on what I can do.
