So a strange thing happened to me today. It started like another day. Got up, got the kids fed and off to school. Went to work and so forth. Everything was a normal day. Then I came home for the day. I realized that Jan was gone. Isn't that weird? I just realized that she will not be coming back and that I am alone. I was hit with sudden sadness. Yes, she was my companion and wife but more than that she was my best friend. I just realized my best friend is gone. The isolation I thought I was beginning to move through just came back and hit me full force in the chest. It is sobering to think of. I honestly have been thinking her absence is just for a moment and she will be back but I just realized that she won't. That realization is so painful that I can barely type my feelings. I suppose that is my body's way of coping with these emotions. I realize it is bad and then I get busy and forget for a moment... then I not only remember but I am cast back into the furnace and relive the hell I went through. I have pain for sure and I have suffering but then it goes away. I really do know everything will work out but I just really miss my best friend. I miss being able to confide in her and she in me. We would talk things out and share our dreams. We would laugh together and just comfort each other through life's challenges. I know this stuff comes in waves and every time I end up typing the same entry about being sad. Then stable... then sad... then stable.. then perhaps happy then sad and so forth. What a mess.
So, I read my son a book tonight and am sitting outside his room on the floor as he falls asleep. With him on my mind I will continue my list.
61.) I am thankful for my kids creativity. My son has no electronic games/tv/ipad/etc.. in his room so he has colored events on paper and taped them to his bookcase to look like TV channels. He and my daughters act out what is drawn. It is entertaining for sure.
62.) I am thankful for nightlights. They light the way enough in the dark to illuminate legos on the floor. My feet thank you.
63.) I am thankful for Ammon's love of legos. He and I have played building all types of vehicles and planes. Lots of good memories.
64.) I am thankful for the night. Darkness for me brings rest.
65.) I am thankful for the stars. They help me realize how insignificant I am in the wonders God has created yet also help me realize the love he has for all his kids. I think that if the universe is that amazing why would little old me matter.... and yet, I feel I do.
66.) I am thankful for people who misspell names. I always laughed that people couldn't spell Jan's name. Seriously three letters! But nearly all she said her name to would spell it "Jane". I'm not making that up. We were members at the Houston Museum of Natural Science and when our membership card came it said "Mr. Jane Weezer". I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I keep it today as a good bookmark.
67.) I am thankful for drivers on the road who are cautious. They help me to just chill out. Jan said I was too aggressive as a driver because I would drive with my thumb on the horn. I told her... I'm still driving like I am in Houston.
68.) I am thankful for kind strangers. Jan signed up with a pest control company years ago and after Jan's death I had to address an outstanding bill. Today I received a sympathy card hand-signed by tons of people from the company. Who does that these days? I was deeply touched.
69.) I am thankful for the sounds of the dishwasher / AC/Furnace. They offer a bit of white noise and calm my troubles.
70.) I am thankful for paper plates and disposable forks/spoons/knives. I never realized how beneficial they were until just after Jan passed. I don't think we ran the dishwasher once in a week. It sounds like a weird thing to be thankful for but honestly I couldn't think straight that week and not doing dishes was very helpful to me.
Claire's tummy is beginning to settle a little. I'm thankful that she is sleeping more and that is beneficial to both Grandma and me.
