So today was like another day. The difference came at dinner tonight. Ammon is sick and asleep on the couch. Claire is sleeping. Emma and Madilyn were watching a show in grandma's room and grandma and I were sitting and eating. It was quiet. The quiet at the dinner table was too much for me. I've heard that people can go about their lives like normal after events like this. Everything is "normal" until a change occurs. So when kids move out of the house and there is a switch from "normal" to something else the person who has been so controlled seems to fall apart. I found myself doing this at the table. Nothing changed. Nothing was different other than no kids were with me at the dinner table. I suppose it was the first time I sat at the dinner table with just my mom for dinner. Without the kids to bring a bit of chaos it was silent. The silence was cutting. I couldn't stay seated once this hit and got up to do anything I could.
I keep thinking that the time between now and when I see Jan will be short because it always has been. I went overseas for two weeks at a time and have had constant trips taking a handful of days and I always return to her. It is like I am waiting for her to return... or for me to return to her. It is weird. If I knew I would see Jan tomorrow or a few days or even in a month or year it would be so much easier to take than just not knowing when we will see each other again. I don't like not knowing. This not knowing is the very essence of the pain that I am filled with. What if it isn't tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year? What if it is in 50 years. What if I live to 110? What if old age or time makes me forget? I don't want to forget and yet I do. I don't want to be in pain any more and the only solution I know of is to be back with Jan but that is only a half-baked view of life. True happiness would be having all my family together again. So how does one be happy without the very thing that brings happiness?
Tonight I am filled with exhaustion. I am so very thankful for my mom being here to assist me. I honestly do not know what I would do without her. I am a mess.
